Visiting with Daddy...advice

Julie - posted on 01/20/2010

Cynthia,

I completely agree with you that the Daddy does not have to be the biological father. I always say, the father is not the one that made you, it's the one that raised you. I have a great example in my life where my older brother is my Mom's son from the first marriage. Whenever I look at him and my father together, they couldn't be more different yet more similar.

CYNTHIA - posted on 01/20/2010

OMG!!!! I know exactly what you are going through. My baby's father through me and my daughter out when she was 10 months old after we had lived together for nearly three years. I too was supporting him bc he jus couldn't keep a job due to his bad attitude. During my pregnancy i would walk to my job while he joy rode around in my vehicle. While he was home he only played video games and nothing else. i had my daughter at 35 weeks due to several problems. While I was sick and still in the hospital with my baby,he claimed to have been looking for a job but the truth was he was out frivolously spending my saved money focusing me to go back to work although i was not ready. I promised my daughter the first time that i held her, one month after her brith that i would raise her with her dad bc i wasn't raised with my dad, but guess what he took all that away from me. He has since moved a lady and three children in the same home which i lived. She don't work --therefore he has to take care of her children while i have to go through court for him to help out with his blood daughter while these children are of no relation to him. Lord I could write you book on my life with the baby father for the last two years. Since she was 10 months old the first time he kept her was xmas eve past and she came home with a busted finger. ----Listen the daddy of ur child don't have to be their biological parent and i had to learn that. Some real man will come ur way and love you for u as well as ur child. Stay strong and im here if you ever need to talk. Keep ur head up

Tahlia - posted on 01/19/2010

Wow kayla sounds a lot like my life... My daughter's father has seen her but a few times in her life and she will be 1 on the 29th. He was there for the birth, but he was out of it. I don't know how much of it he remembers. I had driven 100 miles across the state we live in each way for her to see him. Once his behavior started to be more explosive June was the last time I drove out there. It's now January and he got a bus to come here for 1 day to see her and it was very awkward foe him to be here. We had a long 3 1/2 yr relationship we lived together, I worked while pregnant and he didn't. I moved out when I was about 5 months pregnant feeling the same about maybe I should have tried harder... I think putting up with a lazy, liar, cheater while pregnant and having to wrok and be the adult responsible one still driving 200 miles to see the father is more than most would do.
Keep your head up.

Julie - posted on 01/18/2010

My ex husband would not come and see my son after we first split up. I filed for divorce 2 years after we were separated and only when I filed, he became interested in his son's life and education and well being. He even tried to bring in to court that I have bad living environment for my son and he would have it better. Not to come off wrong but my son has his own room, I don't have anyone sleeping over in my house, living room is always available to his friends to come and hang out if they want. So basically my son occupied both his room and the living room :-)
Thank God, the Court did not allow even joint custody and my ex did not get what he wanted. But now he claims that he's been raising him...LOL very funny since he hasn't seen him for 2 years at all.

Kathy - posted on 01/18/2010

I have a similar situation except my daughter doesn't see her father as he isn't allowed contact with minors as he supposedly did some nasty things to a few others. Whether it is all true or not is beyond my understanding. I am worried how she will respond to him when he does become involved with her as she has only called her uncle daddy. I really do not want him around anymore but the State says I must allow him some contact with her after probation is finished. Just a word of advice, when it comes to fixing something, it sometimes makes it worse instead of better. I gave up trying after a while.

Julie - posted on 01/18/2010

Kayla,

My son's father and I split up when he was 2 years old. Now he is 6 and when he goes off to see his father based on the court order, I still have a hard time. I am nervous all the time and very quite. With my head I understand that it's supposed to happen but I just can't help myself. On one of their night visitation (my son was spending a night in his father's house), I called to wish him a good night and my son told me that they are in "Girl's house where Daddy and I will sleep". I thought that my heart was going to explode. My thing is, I understand we all have or must have our personal lives but do not drag kids into it. Until she is a wife, she is just another girl and should not be around my child telling him what and how to do things. (At least that was my situation, this girl wasn't bad but she had this thing where she would tell my son what to do in front of me).
I used to wonder what it would be like because it seemed like my ex husband changed at one point but then I decided to sit back and just watch what happens. Things hardly changed and he hardly changed and everything was back where we started/ended.

Julie

ALEXIS - posted on 01/18/2010

SO MY STORY IS A LITTLE LIKE YOURS,MY SON'S FATHER HASN'T REALLY HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY SON JUST UP UNTIL A FEW MOTHS AGO,IT WASN'T BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO IT WAS THE SITUATION AS TO WHEN I GOT PREGNAT AND ALL OF THIS,SO WE TOOK A DNA TEST AND HE IS SON,AND IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL MY SON IS TWO,AND HE IS JUST NOW COMING INTO HIS LIFE AND I HAVE TO SHARE HIM NOW.BUT WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FRIENDS AND ALWAYS HUNG OUT AFTER WE SPLIT UP AND NOW THAT WE KNO WE HAVE A KID TOGETHER WE DON'T HANG OUT IT'S THE WHOLE DROP HIM OFF AT FIVE ON FRIDAY AND PICK HIM UP AT SIX ON SUNDAY,AND HE RECENTLY HAD THIS GIRLFRIEND WHO WOULD BE OVER THERE THE WHOLE TIME MY SON WAS OVER THERE AND I WOULD ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THINGS WOULD BE LIKE IF WE WERE JUST TOGETHER,BUT THEN AT TIMES I DON'T QUESTON WHY WE'RE NOT TOGTHER AND ALTHOUGH I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM,I HATE KNOWING ANOTHER GIRL IS OVER THERE WITH MY KID. IT'S NORMAL..

Kelly - posted on 01/17/2010

I can relate with some of the things you mentioned. Everybody always wonders what if, but you have to accept that you did the right thing. I too wonder what it would have been like if things were different, but I know they aren't going back to the way they were.

Meredith - posted on 01/17/2010

My baby-daddy and I were never together as a couple. Once I had my son, he started pressuring me for "alone" time with my son, overnight visits, etc. He lives 1 1/2 hours away from our home. I am still adamant that HE comes to our home for visits (where Nathan is most comfortable) - my son is now 9 mos old and I will not change my mind on this until he is at least one year, perhaps longer. I say have the father come to you and your child, without the girlfriend, for as long as you are able to. Your baby-daddy needs to build up his relationship with your child so that both you and your baby have a sufficient amount of trust in his abilities and their bond. The new girlfriend has no need to be present. That's just my two cents. Good luck!!!

Jessica - posted on 01/16/2010

Keep doing what your doing! Stay with him on all visits until you can trust him alone, which may never happen. Stand your ground. Learn to become enjoy Mommy and Son lifestyle. My son's father was in and out until over a year and a half ago. He was high almost all the time and after he got his own place with 'some chick' when he wouldn't with me, I had to give up the battle for my son. I thought it was best until he stopped letting me say good-night to our son the one night a week he had him while I worked overnight. The visits stopped during my first tattoo. I had him watch him. Dropped him off right after nap time, drove 1.5 hrs out of my way before my sitting, he was still in his pull up. dirty. I advised his dad of that. 7 hours later when I picked him up, he was still in it. I asked him why. He said he didn't know he was in one. Apparently the blue fabric didn't stick out far enough, nor did he hear my words. The fact he was a 2.5 and 'didn't ask to go potty' should have been more than a red flag. That was the last visit. Only contact from his father was to cus me out for sending him school and christmas photos of his son. Nothing since.

Don't let him be an in and out dad. Tell him its forever. We can't choose to be in and out and neither can they. It's too rewarding of a job to step away from. in and outs hurt more than him being absent.

Good luck in your wonderful journey of motherhood!

Teryl - posted on 01/16/2010

I can relate I have a little girl that is 26 1/2 months old her dad hasn't been around either. We were broke up when I found out that I was pregant after being together for 2 to 3 years, so it was a surprise. While carrying he talked all this crap that he was going to be different then the other two daughters of mine dad's, but that failed. He did come to the hospital once but he didn't come back to sign the birth certificate. I kept a journal through out her first year and half or so. He wouldn't help out getting anything for her until support started coming out of his check but that didn't last since he has been in and out of jail. I can count on my hands how many times he has come to see her. I figure this if he can't come to see her or ask for me to bring her around since she doesn't know him then he doesn't need to ask to keep her for a weekend. His family doesn't even have a part in her life never call or come by. They will regret it later I am sure of it and hopefully it won't be too late. Yeah I wonder sometimes what it would be like being together as a family but I believe it is best the way it is. Good luck in your decision. I know we want the best for our kids.

Jamie - posted on 01/16/2010

At first i had the same situation with the father of my son, i would not leave him alone and would stay the entire visitation. Not until my son was around 8 mo. did i feel comfortable enough to leave him at his fathers house. I just slowly began to leave. At first maybe an hour then two, until by about a year old then i let him stay all night with his dad. This worked really well for us. his father was fustrated at first because it took so long for the shift to take place, but now he does see that this was the best way to reintroduce father and son. As far as the family thing goes, it also passed through my mind on the occasion. I had to come to a realization that it is better for my child for the parents to get along whether that means the parents are together or seperate. Fighting and feuding is not healthy on a childs mental, emotional, or physical well being. The idea of a perfectly fuctioning family is a great one, it just doesn't exist. If ya think you can change someone with enough love, ya can't

Patrice - posted on 01/16/2010

tht'a right you are not alone these no good as men an't shit all they want to do is fuck and make babies you know you learn from your mistakes you can do it if you got support from your family if he not going to step up to the plate them fuck him then he don't need to see his chilld i feel you.

Patrice - posted on 01/16/2010

listen i went through the same thing and now my kids are older i still try to let my kids see him but my son just turned 16 and he don't really want to see his da my daughter is 11 and i am going through it with her dad don't let him tell you some off the wall shit because he will. i am about to go court for my daughter she lives with me i take care of her since day one. if you think that your son dad want's to be in his life telll him to start doing for him and as for the new bitch tell her she don't have no right to hold your son that is disrespect to you. for real don't let your son grow up without knowing his dad for real fuck him and do you and your son girl i am doing both parts mommie and dadddy you are not alone it's hard but you can do it. fuck him and the new chick

Elizabeth - posted on 01/16/2010

I feel your pain!! I have an 18 month daughter...her daddy left when she was six months old and went back to his "wife" that he had been separated from for over four years because he became a born again christian and said it is a sin to get divorced so he left us and went back to her! I also had divorced parents and always told him i never wanted my child to go through that hurt :0( The ONLY good thing about him is that he loves our daughter very much and wants to be a good father. One of my problems is that for whatever reason his wife is obviously jealous of me and the only reason i can think of is because we do have a child together that he loves dearly. But me and her dont get along. Up until my child was 14 months old i made her daddy come to my house to see her. But i now let him take her to his home two days a week but he has to bring her home every night! It is very hard to see my daughter around his wife and to know that people think that is their child together when they go into public with her. I am planning on taking him to court to get more child support but i'm scared that they are gonna give him more visitation and possibly let him keep her overnight :0( So to end this long story....your definately not alone!!

Jan - posted on 01/16/2010

I can definitely relate to your situation. My husband and I were married for almost 5 years when he decided that he was done with me and our marraige. He told me this 2 days after I found out I was pregnant with my second child. He was a great father to our first daughter but now with the newborn he is completely distant and really wants nothing to do with her. She is almost 6 weeks old and he has seen her for about an hour of her life. He had the nerve to ask me in the hospital if his new girlfriend could come see her in the hospital when I had her though. My advice to you is not to look back to the past. Even though you think (or know) that you are over him, things can still get to you if you let them. You need to focus on the future and making the best life you possibly can for you and your son. If your ex wants to be in the child's life then he has that right just like your son has the right to develop a relationship with his dad. All you can do is pray that the dad makes good decisions about who (such as girlfriends) he brings around the child. I am dealing with the girlfriend factor as well with my oldest who still sees her dad. When she gets home from her dad's I get to hear about all of the fun things she did with her dad's girlfriend. Basically you kinda just have to grin and bare it. It is hard but when you start to focus on the future and pray about the present and forget the past... life and motherhood will get easier even though you have this crazy situation to deal with! Good luck!

Stephanie - posted on 01/16/2010

hey i know what you are going through my son father left me when i 6 month my son will be 3 month soon. and the father as only seen picturesof him and as not sent anything down to his son for x-mas. and when i was pergnant his father would push me round every time we got into a fight. and his father would leave me with his other son. and walk out and leave me at the house by my self. i would never get it. and right now am am leaving at home with my parents and they are lots of help. and i have tryed to work things out with his dad and his father would blamed everything on me. when half the time it was him.

Ashley - posted on 01/16/2010

I know exactly where you are coming from! Me and my sons dad were casually dating (more like f*** buddies that went on a date every once in awhile) and when i found out i was pregnant he and his mom told me to get an abortion which im personally against (for myself everyone else can choose what they want). So I was 3 months pregnant when we stopped talking, he told me that he would sign off his rights and leave us alone and i was perfectly fine with that. Well after i had my son child support contacted him to get the dna test done, he didnt even show up to the dna test so they had the dna from me and my son but had to wait another month to get his dads dna (my son was already 3 months by the time child support ordered the dna testing) well 2 months later my son was 5months and the dna test came back saying (obviously) that he is my sons dad. During the whole 5months he didnt contact me to ask for a picture or how he was doing or anything which i was fine with! well a few weeks after we got the results back he decides out of the blue that he wants to be involved in my sons life, since Nov. 13th he has seen my son 7 times, cancelled on seeing him 4 times, and i had to cancel 1time because my son was sick and i didnt want to take him out in the cold and make him even more sick. He got pissed at me the 1 time i had to cancel, he yelled at me because i wouldnt drive my son half hour away to see his dad for half an hour!
Now he is trying to get visitation set up saying that I wont let him see his son, which is a complete lie, he told his attorney that every time he tries to call me that i dont answer my phone, he has never tried to call me he only emails me to ask for visitation. I wont allow him to come to my house because i dont feel he deserves that so i make him meet us at a fast food restaurant like mcdonalds. The longest he has seen him was almost 2 hours and just recently i let him take my son for 4 hours (i cried the entire 4 hours) so that my son could meet the great grandpa, he gave my son the wrong formula so that made him have diarrhea the entire next day (15 liquidy diapers not fun!!!) and a few days ago he had him completely alone (as far as he would tell me, which he wont say where he goes or anything he says that that is none of my business, yea right!)
We have mediation coming up this next week and im hoping the mediator is smart and sees how much of an idiot he is!
So to answer your question YES it is VERY hard for me to take my son to go see his dad and see my son cry when i leave because he doesnt know his dad he has only met him a few times, the courts ordered joint custody (i still dont know why because he wasnt involved in my sons life until 5months old) if it werent for the court order i would never send my son with his dad alone, but i dont want to get in trouble for not sending him.
Good luck mama! I hope its easier on you and your son and hopefully your ex's gf breaks up with him, maybe thats the only reason he is "playing" dad right now is to try and show off to his new gf. My sons dad still hasnt even told any of his friends or his roommate about my son so i can pretty much guarentee he wont have any gf's around anytime soon!

Kristen - posted on 01/15/2010

I kind of know how you feel. I was pregnant with my now 7 month old daughter and my soon to be ex-husband abused me. As soon as I had her he immediately went to the courts and got visitation with her. She was not a 2 weeks old and she was already going to see him. That was very hard for me to do because he could have harmed her when he was abusing me. He was not supportive during either of my pregnancies ( I have 2 girls with him) and he had left me before and wanted nothing to do with his first daughter. It is very hard now because he does have a "girlfriend" but she isnt much of a worry because she is only 18. I do not get to stay with him when he gets to visit my girls so I have no idea how he treats them or what he does when they cry. But I know it will get easier with time and I hope it does for you also. In my opinion I do not think your son's father will be in the picture for much longer since he can not even handle the boy crying.

Khristina - posted on 01/15/2010

You said he is great with him- but you also said that he hands him over to you the 2nd he starts crying. That doesn't sound like he is doing his part. Us girls fall so far under there spells..men ughhh all our stories are way to similar. He is in your sons life now- just wait. They are all good in the beginning but it never seems to last long. You supported him and worked two jobs while YOU were the pregnant one?? Hun you deserve so much more then that man who you unfortunately still have feelings for. Did you leave him when you were 6 months? or did he go off with one of the women he cheated on you with. Your son deserves a dad who can respect his mom. All I see is a man who has used you. If he has cheated and lied..you don't want that influence around your son. It will take some time. You will look back at some of the things you are asking now and say how the hell could I have thought that. You are going to be a great single mom- sometimes we just have to go through these stages in our life. You will come out of this experience stronger and much wiser. Never settle for less then perfect do your best to find your son a father whom he deserves. Find a man who wants to be in his life every day! Don't pry or force him to see his son. Also the gf has no right to see him- if it hurts you then that's reason enough for it not to happen.

Mia - posted on 01/15/2010

Oh it is so hard. My daughters dad and I split when she one and we only stayed together that long bc I didn't want her growing up in a broken home, but if I am not happy she won't be happy so I left and since then her dad just sees her when he wants and drives me flipping crazy. It has been temp court ordered that he gets her every weekend and sometimes he just doesn't answer, he dresses her very poorly and doesn't seem to care, when she comes home she cries that she is hungry and so much more. I wish she didn't have to see him but she also does love him so much so it makes it hard. One day he wants me back and others he hates me, he is 31 and acts 13 and won't be civil. I get doors slammed in my face or him all over me asking for a hug and a kiss. But I tolerate it and make notes and everything else for my daughter, but it is soooooo hard.

Lysandra - posted on 01/15/2010

My situation is similar to yours I will admit that, my son's father left when I was around a month Pregnant with Lysander. We left on terms that we both decided that if he wasn't happy in our relationship he could go ahead and be with this other person he pined over. I was sick of dealing with the emotional heart ache nearing the end of our relationship. Then it turned sour and by sour I was a 19 year old pregnant, dealing with an enraged hispanic mother that turned it into a sour mess when I told her I was pregnant we went over to his new apartment where he had been with the other woman. I was never angry about the whole dilemma I talked to him and gave him the choice to make. I was quite adamant about the entirety of not wanting to keep him with me because I wouldn't want him to be tied to me because of my son. Drama ensued and well the mess was kind of a blur... right around when my son was born he started calling again. He was interested in my son genuinely... so I let him know the gender and what I was planning to name him and of my trials while I was pregnant and my woes when I found out I was having a boy. We became sort of friends and admittedly he kept this away from his newly wedded wife. That is when the mess began again and this time it was because the woman he was with was insecure about her position. It started with a letter a very nasty one by this woman passing off as him telling me he wanted nothing to do with our child after I sent him the child support papers and a photo of our son since he was interested in seeing what he looked like. The letter goes to the extremes of calling my son a bastard. I am enrange and he tells me he didn't write the letter I sent him a copy of it so he could read it. The mess starts anew I don't hear anything from him for a while until a few weeks later. With him personally calling my house and insulting me and saying he wants nothing to do with my precious baby boy but he will never considering Lysander his own son and that he wanted nothing to do with him but he will pay child support. That was four years ago, I was never angry until that very moment when we started being friends I told him I was willing to give him one single sole chance to redeem himself.



He lost it in a day. I never called him back, I burned that bridge and simply raised Lysander on my own as much as I could and didn't talk to Lysander about his father. Now four years later he had called on December to say he wanted to be part of Lysander's life as if out of whimsy and that pissed me off I will admit it I was as angry as a mother cub protecting it's young. I was considering that I didn't want Lysander to be the innocent casualty of heartache should his father choose to burn bridges with him. I sort of lost it for a minute there when that call came out of the blue. I really didn't want to go through all the emotional bat fuck (excuse the language) again much less deal with his psychologically messed up wife. In that moment, I was tempted to say no, but I didn't want to be one of those women while still angry to use her son as a means to hurt him. Or much less deny my son the chance to meet his father and make a sound judgement about him. So I thought alot about it and let off some steam of my own knowing that I had to bend some or else one day my son would likely berate me for my decision.



I called him back, told him it would all be under MY terms and I truly meant it. Once he talked about Lysander going to visit him I told him outright no and if he was truly interested to come here and he would be supervised by me. We had a big argument about it and I gave him all my logical decisions why. I had never parted with my son and there was no way I was going to leave him around a woman that hated my guts or could take out her hate on my defenseless little boy. There was one catch that he would never bring down that woman and I told him about my animosity against her coming down. I outright told him I wasn't comfortable with it. He accepted and knew where I came from considering the letter and there was a time that she had the gall to call my house and insult me. And I told him I would go where my son went with him since Lysander is shy and very uncomfortable with strangers. We talked alot, and we dealt with some issues we had like two adults mostly on my end. I bluntly told him why I was angry at him and enraged because it felt he had decided it out of whimsy. My son had gone through an eye surgery at one year old and was about to go into another. I had to go through that on my own. Image that a scared first time mother dealing with such trials at the age of 20. I had alot of pent up rage, I still do for all the things he's missed in my son's life. He understood why I would be angry and attempted to apologize.



He gave a lot of excuses and I took them with a grain of salt but gave him some benefit of doubt and decided to act like an adult about it. He looked to be interested but I had gone down this path again I wasn't fully trusting him because he loved to talk but never act upon what he said. He had decided to come down to see Lysander on the week of his birthday.



I made a list of places to go for that week he was down here. It helped sort of since he wasn't comfortable with dealing with some of Lysander's wants and needs and my son hadn't warmed up to him. I acted courteously and it made the transition easier on my son and himself while I was watching like a spectator making sure Lysander was fine with the situations.



I started them both on an activity that I was sure would Lysander would quickly warm up to him with. So they blew bubbles for the entirety of an afternoon and we made casual conversation. The next two days we took Lysander to the zoo and to the park where they could play with bubbles and have a wayward little picnic. It made it easier on him since he was a first time dad and he wouldn't know how to deal with certain situations dealing with Lysander. Maybe it won't work for you but... I we both decided that whatever animosity we had we would air it out and be friends for the sake of our son.



It's worked so far we are friends that are looking for Lysander's best interest at heart. Admittedly though I still think Lysander is unworthy of his presence and there is some anger reserved. There are times we butt heads when it comes to certain things. But he has been proving that he is interested in Lysander and loves him which is enough for me for now. He has a habit of calling daily to make sure he's doing fine or if he needs anything. Or what's he doing I tell him of all the mischief Lysander gets up to during the day. Or how well he does when we read during bedtime sessions or how quickly he's learning and progressing with my little study sessions. The thing I can tell you best is that while the man may have been an ass in the relationship if he truly wants to try don't let your anger get the best of you and ruin a potentially good relationship with his son/daughter.



Ultimately though I would say to sit down and talk to him truly ask him if he is genuinely interested what would be his goals and what are his dreams for his little boys/girls. You'll begin to notice if he's really interested that they are pretty much the same as yours. Hopefully this helped. Try to plan a day together where it is simply mommy and daddy to try to put your anger in the past. Or if you can talk about it, it may help giving you closure when you didn't have it.

Katie - posted on 01/15/2010

I know exactly how you feel. My son is nearly 5 and my daughter is 3 and they have started going to see their father every other weekend again (long story, much time spent in courts). I hate taking them because he doesnt feed them propery, his flat stinks and they hate it but they love him aswell. We were in hospital with my son recently and his father came up (after i had called him 3 times) with his girlfriend. When she was stroking my sons back as he lay asleep on me, it took all my strength not to knock her off the chair!!! I can deal with it most of the time but not when MY son is poorly. It is so hard and it hasn't gotten any easier i'm afraid. I've been split up from my ex for 2 years at the end of this month and its crap. They've stayed over a couple of times which is awful and the only way i get through it is with alcohol. You need to stay strong, you did the right thing, if he was any kind of dad he would have stuck by you from the beginning. Theres not point in thinking about what ifs, because if it didn't work the first time it never will. Someone once said to me, never go back and that is so true. Just stay strong you can do it, and hopefully one day the right man will come along. (hopefully one with loads of money and a nice car!!! lol) Its also really good to have good friends and people you can talk to that understand. It helps and i hope i helped a bit.

Yvonne - posted on 01/15/2010

The whole situation is hard. I have dealt with every situation you have been going thru. I did not regret leaving not one time. as far as the girlfriend thing goes yes I think every women has a hard time with the new girlfriend I wouldn't let them take my baby around the girlfriends until I knew they could take care of the baby themselves, then depending upon if they had been with the girl for awhile I might agree but I didn't want all kinds of girls in and out of my babies lives. as far as the dad not dealing with the crying. thats part of life you need to look out for your baby's safety so I stayed with my kids but in the other room and made him deal with the crying, he needs to get used to it one day right, might as well be now.

Tricia - posted on 01/15/2010

I'm kinda going through a similar situation. My son is 5 months old and we are waiting to receive results of a paternity test through CSA. His dad and I split around the time I found out I was pregnant. It was my choice I just wasn't "in love" with him anymore and didn't want to stay together just because of the baby. I've seen it and trust me it doesn't work!! If you truly love each other great but if not it only causes hell for you and your child! Anyway his dad has only seen him a hand full of times since he's been born he keeps saying he's waiting for DNA test to come back. My son will be close to 6 months old by the time we get the results and I absolutely will not let him take my son without a court order. I would let him come see him at MY home with me present and thats it!!!! My son is gonna have no clue who he is IF he decides to be part of his life..... I will not force my son to be with a stranger. He's old enough to reconize people.

Lisa - posted on 01/15/2010

Yes it is hard on me too.. My Daughters father isn't around much. But once in a while he wants to be with my daughter. and its hard. I have to admit I'm much older but its still hard on me, and Im much less mature than you are about it. When her Daddy starts dating someone else, however, he freaks out and doesn't want me in his life, or Emily at all, because I want to meet the newest woman first... before she goes over to his house with her there. My X has no custody or visitation either, he refused to be on the birth certificate for fear out of getting sued for child support, which he ended up getting anyway. But the thought of it actually happening, my daughter around another woman, it upsets me a lot. I am almost glad her dad is such a jerk that I don't have to allow her to be around other women.

Candice - posted on 01/15/2010

yup...totally get it. been there. and the longer we were apart, the more he reminded me EXACTLY WHY I LEFT.
here's your magic wand: if you had stayed it would have been like this:
"cheating, lying, I would be supporting him working 2 jobs while he stayed at home in my apt on the couch AND YOU WATCHED THE KID and made all the sacrifices!"

and what the hell? YOU take the child to HIM? you are a bigger woman than i.

Suzy - posted on 01/14/2010

Sounds like the only reason why he wants to see your son is because of the new girlfriend. I don't think it's genuine. I think he's being a show off. Honestly I would allow visitation unless there was a court order! Just what I've learned from personal experience! Is he paying child support? Is there a court order? If no don't allow visits....

Kelly - posted on 01/14/2010

I know exactly where u are coming from, my sons father left bout 7months pregnant and wanted nothing to do with him....then did at 6 weeks old!! I ws tuck pretending to be nice to him cos he couldn't deal with a baby, couldn't even give him a bottle!!! I tried to do the right thing by my son, but I hated him holding him I was so possesive!! He did appear to love him...but didnt want to pay for anything!! In the end i have sent in a claim to CSA and told him to go to the local parenting classes if he wanted to see him as I couldn't be 'there' if he wanted to see him!! He couldn't be bothere and hasn't seen him for last 6 months....no xmas card not calls...its like he doesn't care and just showed he did before cos he was in front of others. I am keeping a diary of all things that have happend with any paperwork etc of what he has sent or said, it will be filled and given to my son when he is mature enough and he can then decide for himself what sort of person his father is and if he wants to find him.