What do you do for Father's Day?

Kristi - posted on 06/14/2012

Thanks for all the suggestions ladies. My daughter will be 13 in a couple of months so almost anything can send her into a tailspin or at the very least piss her off. Up until this last 14 months, her dad's presence in one way, shape, form, or another, has always been tangled into our lives. And even though she has had other Father's Days without him, he was still there, lurking around the next corner. But now he's gone. We are 1400 miles away. He is not allowed to contact her without my permission, not that he would now anyways and because of who he is that's a good thing.

However, she, like most other children still wants their daddy to love them and be there for them and she knows that will never happen for her. Unfortunately, I lived 1400 miles away from my family and had only 1 true friend and a few aquaintances for her whole life. I did remarry, and thought we had a good thing going there. To this day, he would still give his life for hers but with all the turmoil her dad was causing she never really had a chance to bond with my second husband. So as for positive male role models, we've gone from -1 to the possibility of a +1 back to 0. Aside from the Dads on the Disney Channel and my dad, who she saw maybe 2x a year, her 4th grade teacher was probably the 1st positive male role model she had for any amount of time. She loves my dad very much and my Papa even more, but seeing them 3-5x/year combined doesn't quite cover the dad area. Since we moved, we live near my sister and her husband. He's a pretty good guy and he's always a hit with the kids so we'll see. But it just breaks my heart and makes me want to scream when I know she's wondering "what's wrong with me?" She knows in her brain it's all him but in heart she still wonders because he moved on to 3 more famililies since we left him. Anytime there was a choice to be made, he chose them over her everytime. I just know that FD is a harsh reminder of all that for her. I don't want to make a huge deal out of it but I don't want her to think her feelings aren't valid and ok.

That's the slightly longer version of why I was wondering what to do for this Father's Day. So, as you all have advised, since my dad will be in town this weekend, we are going to get him a gift and make him a card. She is very creative, so will enjoy that. I am not sure if I will "remind" her that she, of course, has the option to contact her father or not, if the opportunity presents itself and it feels like the right thing, I probably will but...idk....but that is one big IF. Thank you all again!

Lynn - posted on 06/14/2012

Do you have a grandfather, uncle, great uncle, or family friend who can kind of step in? If not, then you are every bit her "dad" and you can fill that role at school functions, and on Father's Day. My husband is a great father to our kids, but they don't have much in the "grandfather dept." My FIL passed away a few yesra ago, and my kids barely knew him. My dad lives in another state and they haven't seen him in years and probably won't for a long time. My mom and step dad live an hour away, and we see them every month or so. My aunt and uncle (my mom's oldest brother) live right near her, and they're always here for holidays and school functions.

My step dad and uncle are the only two grandfathers my kids know. When my husband was in Afghanistan, my uncle drove an hour to her school (by 8 am!) to go to her class' Father's Day breakfast and singing performance. He was not the only "grandfather" there.

My point is that sometimes, you just have to make do with what you have, and think outside the "typical" family unit. I heard on the radio about a girl who nominated her mom in a "Father's Day" radio contest. As long as a child is loved, it doesn't matter.

You don't say how old your daughter is, but you should ask her, and see how upsetting this really is to her. It might be more of an issue during Father's Day, Father/daughter dances at school, things like that.

Nicole - posted on 06/14/2012

We celebrate Grandpa. We have always talked about the difference between a "father" and a "daddy figure". (that is the way I have distinguished things). A daddy it's someone who loves you no matter what, he plays with you, etc. Our daddy figures are grandpa, Uncles, etc. She makes things for her Grandpa at school. My daughter is turning 8 later this month. I never say bad things about her father because that is part of her identity. We celebrate Grandpa. Hope this helps.

Beth - posted on 06/13/2012

I run two groups where I live in the community (Guiding) and the girls have a choice of who they would like to do a card for - Mother's Day is for Mothers (bio and/or step), Grandmas, aunts or other significant females in their life. Father's Day is for Dads (bio and/or step), Grandpas, uncles or other significant males in their life.

Found that the girls really liked the fact that they could chose who they do the cards for. Certainly most if not all children have a significant woman and significant man in their lives, regardless of whether it's their biological parents, step family, other family members or someone on the community, someone who they can look up to and respect.

Kristi - posted on 06/12/2012

That is a great idea! It could actually work well this year because my parents will be here for Father's Day. She had a step dad for 7 years but that ended last year & was hell for me. Even though we tried to keep things away from the kids, they would over hear me crying or wonder why he wasn't home in the morning & things like that. So between her bio dad & her step dad she is pretty disenchanted with the whole "dad's are great" idea. But she does love my dad a lot! So celebrating with him is perfect! Thank you!

Beth - posted on 06/12/2012

My ex barely registers in my girls' lives - currently he isn't in their lives, no contact/child support.

My girls do something for their Grandpa for Fathers' Day. If possible, your daughter could do it for a suitable male in her life (Grandpa, uncle etc.) who is a good male role model in her life. Certainly my girls have the choice of either doing something for their Grandpa or another suitable role model in their lives.

Jen - posted on 06/12/2012

Go out to lunch, you and her. Take her to a movie, go to the park. Do something special with her. No reason you can't celebrate Father's day as her mother. Lord knows I did.