what do you say to a 4-year-old about her absent daddy?

Kristi - posted on 07/01/2012

Does she really think he's dead? If she's never seen him or had a dad in her life who gave her any idea of what having a dad is like? How long/when did she start inquiring about "a" dad or "her" dad? I'm not sure if that would change how I would handle things necessarily but I would definitely want to know where this was coming from. I'm struggling a bit here, because I'm not sure exactly what your daughter wants to know. If she thinks he's dead, what has she been asking you about specifically? If she thinks he's alive, then something simple is best. You can give her more information as she gets older, if she asks for it.

Tell her, her dad was scared and he didn't think he was going to make a very good daddy so he moved away so you and she could have a chance to maybe someday find a special daddy that could do the things he could not. Or just stick with the moved away part. Maybe, tell her he took the ultra-sound picture of her so he would always remember her. Let her know that you don't know where he is or how to get a hold of him, if she asks about anything like that, if/when is he coming back. Reassure her that none of this was her fault. Daddy made his choice (maybe give her an example so she can relate to that on her terms, like you know how you choose which dress you want to wear each day? Well that's what Daddy did, he chose, all by himself to go away.) and now he is missing out on all the fantastic things she has done/can do, like.... And as hard as it is, don't tell her he's a douche bag. One, she will figure that out for herself, they always do, well I'm 4 for 4 and Two, she won't know what you're talking about therefore unable to enjoy the comment for what it is meant to be! ; )

My last note on that would be, that if she thinks he's dead and you haven't seen or heard hide nor tail of him since you were prego, then for all you know he could be dead. Just leave it alone, don't offer any further explanation, just show her compassion and understanding and validate her feelings about what it is like for her to not have a dad.

Regardless of what you decide to tell her, don't ever tell her she should/shouldn't, does/doesn't can/can't feel that way. If she says I feel like it is my fault (just an example). And you tell her she shouldn't feel that way, you are telling her her feelings are wrong. That is confusing and hurtful to her. She won't understand what she needs to do to stop feeling that way or why it is wrong for her to feel that way. Acknowledge her feelings, let her know that you might feel that way too if it were you but here is why it is not your fault.... of course, a little TLC goes a long ways, too! Remember, if this doesn't go perfectly, just how you plan it (which they never do), try not to stress it too much. You're not going to send her to the nut hut just because you said it this way instead of that. Another good reason to keep it simple. You're her mom, you love her more than life. You'll figure it out and it'll go fine. (besides this is the easy part, wait till you have to tell her what a douche bag REALLY is! Just Kidding, have a laugh : )) I hope this helps, at least a little!

Ghada - posted on 06/29/2012

well maybe tell her that you and her daddy having a lot of differences & problems you two cant see each other or meet ,you don't know where he is now bcoz u haven't seen him for alot of years but he is somewhere loving her never tell her that he dont care or anything like that or she will have some issues ..good luck :)