What do you tell your child about his father not wanting to be involved?

Staci - posted on 04/08/2011 ( 35 moms have responded )

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When I got pregnant my boyfriend left and went back to his ex-wife and now has nothing to do with my son. This bothers me very much because I don't want my son suffering from his stupidity. Due to the father's actions and lack of maturity, it is beset that he isn't around, however, I don't want my son to go through life not having a dad. My ex's parents are very much involved so he will know of him when he is older. How do you break it to your child that their father doesn't want to be involved with them even though he is with his other child? So many questions I will have to be answering...

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[deleted account]

I know a little boy who was forced, by the court, to meet his bio dad, spend time with him, and forced to get to know him. He refuses to use the word "dad", he refuses to discuss the issue. He wishes the man would leave him alone. It's been traumatic for years.
Maturity of the father of your child, your wishes or what is best all may seem to clash in this issue.
A "DAD" is the person who shows up for you -
Loves you every day of your existence.
Cares for you and about you.
Is nice and respectful toward your mother.
Not everyone has someone biologically connected that wants, accepts or can fill the position. I'd rather see the little boy I know have his wish granted: to be left alone. It stresses him out, he gets very upset and tells his friends at school about "the mean man."
I don't think you "break it to your child that their father doesn't want to be involved" - you break that to yourself. Then, maybe, consider if you really think he is a good idea to be in your son's life at all. You can explain to a child that people in our lives who care about our happiness always show up - just because some people get a label or a name tag doesn't mean they've earned it or know how to care, truly care. For me, it doesn't mean it's any different. A label as powerful as "DAD" or "MOM" is earned. Some folks aren't up for it, and that's okay. People who truly care about him will be there.

Cassie - posted on 03/18/2013

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Not trying to be unhelpful but I can't help notice from the other comments that yours is not a unique situation. I wish we women would be more careful before we choose sexual partners; we could be choosing the father of our child! I am sorry that your son's father has chosen to behave this way. On the bright side, your child has grandparents who do love and care for him. Try to emphasize what your son has, not what's missing. Be truthful but do not tell him more than he needs to know or more than he can understand. And, please, don't forget that his father has legal and financial obligations, regardless of whether or not he wishes to be a father in every sense of the word. Take care!

[deleted account]

You will need to explain to your son in an age appropriate way. It will be a long time before your son start's wondering where "daddy" is. Especially if daddy isn't even a part of hte equation. My son is 3, and it hasn't occured to him yet that he doesn't have a "daddy" and other kids do. He does call other kids' dad's "daddy" - and no one makes a big deal out of it. Just like the handful of times he refers to other mom's as a "mommy". My son doesn't know that living with me, and my aunt and uncle is "unusual". what my son does know is that he is fed, clothed, safe, loved and happy. All his needs are met.

One day soon my son will ask about his dad, and I will say that he lives far away. That will suffice for quite some time. fortunatly for me his dad is far away both physically and metaphorically. but even if the dad of your son isn't far away physically, the metaphorical answer will suffice for quite some time.

Ask your pediatrician for age appropriate answers to your son's questions, or ask for a referral to a child pyschologist who can help you answer these questions. you will not have to answer all of the questions at once, or anytime soon, or by yourself. :)

Sarah - posted on 03/21/2013

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im in a simular situation. the difference is he cheated on me with escorts and his ex and im 3 months pregnant. Do whats best for you and your unborn thats what im gonna do. Im not even going to have him in my babys life. I feel like he doesnt even deserve to be. I know you are really hurt god knows i am and im so sick of crying. But you are a strong women and its not easy going threw what you are. take some time for yourself if u can pampering yourself is a must you are going to be very busy soon.. hope everything works out for you..

Ellen - posted on 10/09/2012

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After Over 5 years my ex boyfriend said that he doesn't want his daughter and that he has never wanted her. He had said this before but it has been more clear when I see him with her. he doesn't acknowage her or praise her. He has little or no patience with her. We don't live together My daughter lives with me as well I have sole custody of her. I don't want her to not have a relationship with the consins and grandparents(they are close by). What do you say "oh yes you can see everyone else but your dad. How did you handle still having your ex's parents involved not the father wasn't that confusing for the child?

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Lindsay - posted on 11/05/2013

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My situation is a horrible one. But it didn't start out that way. I was a young18 yr old new woman moved out got an apartment and after a year feel in love. I was with the man of my dreams for a year and then we decided to get married. We wanted children so we tried for six months. At month seven we got pregnant,but with twins. We were thrilled. But then something went horribly wrong at week 27 my girls Hafez twin to twin transfusion and were struggling to survive. I had a c-section and then the fight for there life had began. After 3 long months in the nicu with every day not knowing if they would live or die my sweet babies came home. A month or so later I found out I was expecting again. My pregnancy with my son was a very normal one and then I had him by repeated c-section. He was a beautiful10 pound baby. For the first 3 years of our twins life twas a very hard road. Then i found that my son was.showing some signs of some issues. And then i found out i was expecting again. We ended up losing my baby at 18 weeks. I was heart broken shortly after we tried one more time. Even though after losing my baby almost killed me. I was in and out of surgerys for nearly a week. We got got pregnant with my youngest son and it was the happiest day of my life. Six months after he was born I left my x husband for reasons I wont share. We separated for 3 years I begged him at times to change but the ultimately we divorced. As soon as we divorced he stopped calling ,paying child support and seeing his children. My children love there dad sooo much and now he says he just wants to start over somewhere new with his new woman. He went through everything with his children and now he is just done!?what am I going to say to them? My oldest son who was ththe perfect pregnancy has now been diagnosed with M.R. he is 6but has the mentality of a 4year old. So 3 out of four of my beautiful loving children are disabled. What am i going to tell them?

Denise - posted on 07/12/2013

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I have a special needs daughter, who is profoundly deaf, and who turned 30 yrs. old; I had her when I was 20 yrs. old. She has lived with my mom and her husband since she was 5. When she was about 2 years old, my mother started talking about taking care of her, to help me out. She had a lot of problems, and was going to Easter Seals for one type of therapy, and another place for a different type of therapy, plus testing, etc. I was holding my own, trying to be a responsible mother, trying to be a young adult, and still trying to be me-I won't go into all the details, but wanted to give you an idea of what I went through. I never told her father he was in fact, her father. He has seen her when she was a baby, and he looked at her with adoration, but still I did not tell him. He was a young man who was trying so hard to become somebody, struggling, a good guy. I did not want to bother him, and went forward alone. When my daughter was around 3, we had Easter at his parents house. They loved her, and his sister even commented on how much they looked alike-but still, I never said anything.
My daughter went to live with my mom and her father was never mentioned. Part of the condition that I allow her to go, was that I sign over Guardianship to her. As she was growing up, she went through a period of wanting to know who her father is. I told my mother that maybe it was a good idea-she said "No". She preferred that he stay out of the picture, as not to confuse anything. Many years have gone bye, and I feel that my daughter should be able to meet her father if she wants to. My daughter is asking again, and again my mother is saying no-...I told my mom that my daughter should talk to her counselor about this and even her. I told my mom that this decision was hers to make, not my mother's. My mother got very upset and does not want her dad around or involved with her and is making all kinds of excuses to squash it. Her father owns his own painting company, owns his own home, has never been in prison, etc. He's a good guy-
Do you think she should meet her dad?

Cassi - posted on 05/02/2013

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I hear you there I cant even get my sons dad to acknowledge he needs to be a dad & not knock up every woman hes with then leave his kids like they dont exzist but my situation might be a little different cause my ex tryed to kill me & took our son hostage & even though I explained that to my 7 year old he wants to have his dad care about him & it breaks my heart that he doesnt want anything to do with him but I am thankful he does have my fiance as his dad & has been there since he was a baby its not easy on anyone that has to go through that I grew up with my parents not together but I did have a somewhat ok childhood just keep your son so busy in sports or activities he doesnt think about him cause sometimes just keeping their minds off of that situation helps alot & reassure him that he is loved by everyone around him it worked for me & sometimes just letting go of the father all together is the best thing you can do. Dont be so hard on yourself.....

Temperance - posted on 04/10/2013

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I recently found out that my sons dad has more kids then he mentioned and he denies my kid cause he says all babies look alike so I'm doing this solo and I love it I hate him for what he did to this sweet lil boy

Me Me - posted on 02/07/2013

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I was with this guy for ever we planned a baby I got pregnant, I found out hed been cheating on me the ENTIRe pregnancy, then he dumped me then u found out he has anther girl pregnant who was 2 weeks behind me.... down the road around my 7th month of pregnancy he was ANOTHER (he had a bunch of gfs) girl, they were together a few weeks an he got her pregnant, then left her an went a married a girl hed been dating for a week.... now me an the one mom are like befriends an out daughters are going to know eachother, an he told us that he hated our daughters an us, an hes a completely different person all he does is drugs an drinks now... an idk what to do any, ore I am at my breaiing point.

Tali - posted on 10/17/2012

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My ex-husband left (for a 19 year old fat girl) when I was pregnant with number 2. (Theyre 1.5 years apart) My older one is over 3 now, and is asking where is Daddy. Sometimes I say he is a soldier is another country, something I say hes an effing ahole... I try to keep it simple and honest. You cant hide anything from your kids. I dont really think it matters how you communicate it, they will know. Just make sure they know it has nothing to do with them- which is tough. My older recognizes picture of his father, my baby doesnt. My older calls him his Dad. I try to teach him what a father is suposed to be like, and I hope we can find a good one soon.

[deleted account]

when your son is old enough, the simple answer is that your relationship broke down and that your ex decided to have another go at another relationship with his ex wife. Also explain that it was your ex's choice on the level of contact that he had/has with your son. If you've tried to encourage the contact, then it at least show's that you've tried.



Your son will probably ask questions about his Dad - only natural. The best thing you can do is say 'well the best person to answer that is your Dad, but at the current time he is choosing not to play an active part in your life, why I don't know', also 'why don't you ask your grandparents, as they know your Dad better'. At least acknowledge the question and answer it as best as you can.



Thankfully my girls don't ask much about their Dad. With my eldest I'm now making sure that any expectations of long term contact with her Dad are low to nonexistent. I know that seems a bad thing to do, but at least then it doesn't get her hopes up as her Dad seems to like drifting in and out of her and her sisters' lives.

Heather - posted on 09/30/2012

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Hello everyone my name is heather and im in a touge situation! I feel horrible ... Im 24 years old and i have a 6 year old boy, his father left us when my son was about 3 months and its just been us ever since! I have a boyfriend for 4 years now and he has a son and my son sees the relationship they have so my son starts calling my boyfriend dad, daddy father and i tell him he isnt your dad i tell him he ur step dad so he asks me who my dad where is he why he not with us uuuggghhhhj i feel soo bad i dont know what to say or how to say it ! What should i do ! Ive been ready some of your stories but i just wish things would just be okay not so much stress smh! My other problem is what happens if me and my boyfriend break up what am i suppose to do than ! Motherrrsss help meeee please

Dorienne - posted on 03/04/2012

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i always tell my 3 year old girl who her dad is but when she asks for her dad she is asking for my brother becuase growing up with my neice around calling or talking to her dad .....so thats what she calls him too and i am grateful for that...



my daughters father was never in her life before the dna test and even after he barely is in her life but i always tell her who her dad is but she dont really understand since she is 3 ...



but telling them who their dad is is a great idea even if the dad dont want to be involved in their life, children have a right to know who dad is.



how to break it to them depends on the age i would explian it the way you just did above but without negativity



and hope that the father grows up and wants to be in his life that would be a plus

Luvmia - posted on 03/03/2012

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The best thing you can tell him is that daddy is busy right now. It will break his little heart if he knew the truth.

Lisa - posted on 02/29/2012

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Thats a hard call..You have to try to try to come across not angry with the father.Kids pick up on so much.My little ones dad is in the picture but i cant say he is great, but what i tell her is that we used to be boyfriend and girlfriend and we broke up when i was pregnant.Mummy just like different people now and so does Daddy..She see her dad with his family and i just say thats his life and he doesnt understand our life.Its very hard at times especially when she wants a family life and she sees what he has.Even harder for me not trying to be nasty about it.Your child will see you have got on with life with out him, youve done a good job.Just remind your son how much he is loved by his grandparents and maybe his dad just doesnt know yet how to be a father to him.Its not his fault, point out as well how diverse other families are i find that helps with me..Good Luck

Liese - posted on 02/28/2012

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my daughter is 5. her father decided when i told him i was pregnant that he wanted no part. courts have not been able to track him down for the dna test. he knows she exists. he has made a choice. i struggled with what to do for a long time. i could hate him. i could hunt him down. i could bash him. but this is what it comes down to. he made a choice. i will not force my child into a relationship with someone who wants no part. i would never do that to this beautiful little girl. she has been asking about him frequently since she was 3. it broke my heart. still does. she wakes up crying some nights cuz she wants her daddy. but this is what i tell her....i don't know why your daddy is not here. he made a choice. he is missing out on a wonderful child. but i can't make him be here. then i start telling her all of the people who are in her life who love and care about her. it's not the same. i know it's not the same, and she tells me so sometimes. so i just say, yes i know, and hug her. i know she loves me. i know she wants a dad. everyone around her has a dad. but i also know i will not lie to her. there's no point. i may not tell her all the details, but i will not lie to her about her dad. as she grows, she will have to make up her own mind about her father. but for now, i just love her and tell her that i will always be here.

Bonnie - posted on 02/27/2012

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I was told you never bring it up, but answer questions your child has. The answers you give depend on their age and understanding. I plan on telling my 2-year-old if it does ever come up that he is a wonderful child and his father wasn't ready to be a parent. His father does have another child that is older and he wasn't there for that son until he passed 10 years old.

I was told that while a boy should have a male role model there is nothing wrong with parenting by yourself. I have plans to get my sons involved in things like big brother and other support programs so that they get some positive male influence.

Anna - posted on 02/22/2012

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I am in the same boat as you are hun... My ex husband has nothing to do with our son either. Not a damn thing... pays his child support and that's it. If that wasn't court ordered I wouldn't even get that. I say screw it all. I.... I mean we don't need him. I gladly take his money though because I don't feel it's right for him to get off that easy... get up and walk away. I can't do that, I could never. So why can he? It's tough for me sometimes.... because I do everything myself. (working full time, bills, rent, groceries - and NO I'm not on welfare or any type of state assistance) When my son is older he will see the truth... until then I don't ask, don't tell. He never talks about his father and I never mention him.

Jessica - posted on 02/17/2012

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My daughters father broke off our engagement and relationship when she was 3 months, he saw her a couple of times the first year and then disappeared... She first was aware of the whole dad thing when she was 4, she said she had a mummy and a daddy, I asked who her mummy was and she said obviously me, then I asked who her daddy was, she pointed to my then boyfriend, I got a couple of pictures of her father and sat down with her and showed them her and explained that, the man in the picture who was holding her, was and is her daddy but it was ok to see "john doe" as her daddy too.

she made a decision that she did not want to call "john doe' dad and kept calling him by his name, when she was 5 and in school she asked me about her dad and I told her he lived far away.. hey for a 5 year old 40 minute travel is far away! and she was fine with this, as she got to 8 she asked me why he and I was not together, I explained we just did not get along anymore, some couples fall out of love, she took this fine.. at 11 she asked again why her father was not around, I bent down to her level and explained he was 17, and at 17 having a brand new baby in your care is really scary, to be responsible to making sure the baby was fed properly, changed properley washed properly is terrifying and because babys are so tiny some get really scared they will hurt the baby and that is what her daddy did, he was really scared he would hurt her and he thought he was doing the right thing by leaving to prevent any harm being done that it does not mean he didn't and doesn't love her, it just means he was yound and scared and that he may not have come back because he MIGHT be feeling a little silly for running or he MIGHT think she will hate him. She actually took this one much better and she started changing into a more confident girl, before this she was really low self esteemed, she would not allow you to call her pretty, if you pointed out any of the wonderful things about her as a person or looks she cried.. now though, although she has a far way to go she is more accepting, also she has to come to me in the morning and say "i'm not ugly I am pretty!" I pretend i can't hear her until she says it... all in fun, I smile and she giggles then we both hug, we go through photopgraphs of her and she points out the photo's where she thinks she looks really nice and i reaffirm every little detail on the photo is the same as what she has now, she is not plain looking, she doesn't need make up, her eyes are deep blue and black long eye lashes that look like perminant eye liner and mascara, her lips are a nice vibrant red and she ha sa strawberry shaped face, her eye brows are formed with not a single stray hair.. but the problem is, when she is in front of a camera, when she stands in the mirror she puts her head into her shoulders and her face becomes found and an extra chin comes out of no where and her smile is tight and that is the girl she sees every time she looks in the mirror, I showed her the photographs where i took them before she was aware, she loves those photographs and i told her that is HER, the true real her, there is one where she is smiling naturally because to get a photo of her properly i have to do stupid things so she forgets to "pose" and she loves them to, so now I tell her every time, the girl in the mirror is your creation, this *holds natural photo" is the real you, and she smiles so much she complains her cheeks are hurting, i love it when she naturally smiles but it's constant reminding, boys ask her out and she says no, she says she thinks they are joking, she has had 6 boys ask her out 4 last year alone, I asked why and she says because she's ugly, it's so heart breaking but i went through this most of my life and I met myself in the mirror a couple of years ago and i have now accepted me, I have the tools to help her and it's helping :D anyways....... I think her father not being here has made her feel she was not good enough for him, explaining to her that it is not her fault it is solely his, but without being negative about him because no child needs to hear anything negative about their father, they were created 50/50 and therefore some of their fathers traits would be in them, they could possibley start thinking if their father was "blah' they could also be "blah" it is up to them to decide what they think of their father when they are mature enough to make a mature character judgement. if her father is a horrible man, she will come to see it herself should he ever sees her. I know where he lives, I have contacted his wife due to not being able to speak directly to him and she claimed he did not want to be a dad yet, and asked if I would not tell him should I ever see him that she and I had talked, they have a baby girl now who is 5 months old, my daughter is determined to see him when she is 18, she wanted me to take her to him now but I said I would she waited until I was no longer the primary carer of her just incase her father feels strange about dealing with an ex, I know he use to have a problem talking to ex's when we were together simply because we were together, his married so he might be that way still, I explained it could be me and if she seems him now, things might go wrong due to me being there so if she waits until she's 18 I am not longer her guardian and she can do as she wishes... I also explained that I knew her father 14 years ago that 14 years is a long time he may have changed and I would rather run ahead and get a feel at what his response will be before she goes in there herself, I told her I love her more than life it's self and the last thing i want is for her to get her, I explained that i do not mean he WILL reject her because i just can't speak for him, that i can tell her what the man 14 years would have done but 14 years can change a person many times... she seems to be fine with that, I suggested she write him letters like a dear diary telling him things she would like him to know when they happen that should the day come when she sees him she can hand them all to him and then he can go home and read them and have a real good idea of who his daughter is and what she's thought about and done all these teenage years. she started writting him letters, some are very quirky and funny. she loves hearing about her father and every bit fo information i give about him brightens her just that little bit more, i think children who know about their biological father needs to know as much good stuff as possible because they get a feel of who their biological father is or was, i can only imagine what it must be like not knowing anything about the man who created you, if he was funny, smart or funny, how tall he was, what he liked doing. I have gone off topic a little i think it all nessary though, because it's the impact of the reasons we give that matters as well as the impact of their reaction at the time the reason when we gave them the reason wy.

Becky - posted on 06/12/2011

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I am living my DREAM, seriously. Ever since I was a little girl I have always said that I wanted my babies and NO MAN around because they are just too much headache. Well, I have two children and their father stopped being a big boy when I was three months pregnant with the second. The last time he saw our first was when he was 18 months old. The ONLY time he seen our second was at the health department getting the court ordered DNA test that I could shove in his mother and sister's faces. I don't hear from any of them and I don't try to contact any of them. When the kids ask questions about their "Dad". I tell them his name and I pull out the pictures of him and his family to show them. It hasn't gotten any deeper then that yet, they are only 6 and 4. The only thing I can tell them when the ask me "Where is daddy?", is the truth. "I don't know sweetheart. But Mommy is here and loves you more then anything in this world."

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/11/2011

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I'm in a simular situation. My older daughter's father divorced me before she was even a year old. She's almost 7 now and we will soon be living on opposite ends of the continent in different countries. He hardly calls and a few weeks ago when she called him he got mad at me for he telling him he hurts her by not calling! FML! He said he won't resume contact until I can stop telling her what to say.
The only advice I can give is to have some kind of positive male role model in your son's life. For my daughter that's been her pop (my dad), my younger brother and now her step dad as well.
When my daughter asks questions now about her dad it's very far between. She doesn't really talk about him since he doesn't want much to do with her. I feel real bad for your son, but he has you and as long as you don't get really negative it'll be fine.

Nikki - posted on 06/11/2011

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I am in the same situation Staci with my four year old son. His father ignores his existence and does not pay child support. I have tried several times to phone him upon my son's request yet he never answers for him. My son's counselor told me it was ok to do that so my son would realize his father does not answer for him. Sad but true, and children have questions and lots of them! I do get frustrated with the fact my son's father is so cold but I can't "change" him. I have left him messages explaining he does NOT have to have anything to do with ME yet he still ignores our son. In fact there is a book I am waiting to receive from my son's counselor which explains to kids their situation not having a Dad. I hurt FOR my son so much as it pains him greatly knowing his father ignores him. I know he will always suffer . I pray a lot for guidance as well and of course I am human so I have times I still get angry about this with his father! Only time helps and the older they get they will have to sort it out in their heart. I keep my son very busy with baseball and church :) It helps:) God bless you both and trust me I understand.
Nikki

Chelsa M - posted on 05/06/2011

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my son isn't old enough to realize it yet, but when the time comes, I'll tell him it's up to him if he wants to meet his dad, but I'm not gonna force him. I also plan on telling him that no matter what, he's got me and his grandpa and grandma.

but I will say this, I think it's pretty sad that his dad won't come around, but my son sees his sister (his dad's daughter) and her mom (his soon to be ex wife)more than he sees his dad and his grandparents over there.

Nompumelelo - posted on 04/14/2011

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Hi at list you have his family that are very much involved in your daughter's life most of us dont even have that, the father is not there so as his parents unlike in my case, she will know him. my daughter is almost five this year she last saw her father when she was almost three nothing after that only a phone call on chrismas night as if he was afraid to make that call so late past eleven at night and a short convesation with her that was it, and nothing from his family since we i left him when she was 9months old. gal be great his family is there.

Loren - posted on 04/12/2011

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Hello Staci,
My name is Loren and I know exactly what you are going through as my now 11 year old daughter went through this.

Firstly, don't be hard on yourself. We tend to feel guilty for the choices that WE make which we see later affect our children; but, understand that we are human and not infallible. My daughters' was a pleasant surprise and was not a planned pregnancy as I had two children that were 6 and 11 at the time I conceived. Her father quite a distance from me and had a son from a previous relationship that he cared for on his own with the support of his mother. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter he refused to believe that the child was his and wanted nothing to do with either of us. I was forced to serve him papers for custody and support but after the blood tests proved conclusively that she indeed was his he didn't contest much by way of support and simply wanted visitation...which he never exercised by the way. I didn't push the issue and never spoke to him after that until he contacted me by phone 6 years later to apologize for the way he handled things, spoke to our daughter briefly that day and then sent gifts for her at Christmas for a few years after that until I broke down while speaking to his mother who called me one year asking me what she needed for Christmas but never wanted to speak with her. After that I heard nothing from either of them until recently when he happened to come across my name on a Facebook friends list.

I never lied to my daughter when she asked about her father and I never said anything bad about him either (that's the worst thing you can do to a child). What I did do, however, was answer her questions based on what was appropriate for her age and understanding at that particular time.

Men are curious creatures and although they may come across at the best of times as arrogant, heartless, and cold (and please understand that I am not condoning the behavior) they ignore the results of their bad choices so as not to have to feel in any way diminished as the person they've come to believe they were. If they were to face up to all the bad choices they made and the people they hurt they would feel vulnerable and they HATE anything and anyone that makes them feel weak in anyway.

When my daughter was little and she would ask about her father I would tell her that her father lives far away (because he did at the time and still does). Young children are usually satisfied with very simple answers so don't complicate things for your self or your child. As they grow and mature they gain a better understanding of how relationships work by how you model them. There are many opportunities for children to develop relationships with male role models and we as single moms simply need to make sure that those role models are positive ones that will help them grow up to be the kind of men we wish for them to be. I have an older son who went through a similar situation with his own father and I've since learned from my mistakes and now help others to find the right kinds of supports in their own communities. If you wish you can inbox me and we can chat further about this and maybe I can help you find some supports in your own community.

Kirstin - posted on 04/12/2011

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I have the same type of problem.....my daughter's bio father got back w/his wife....left us to fend for ourselves....He has 3 adult children w/her and 4 grand-children that he spends a LOT of time with.....he has been in and out of our lives (our DD is 5 now) & it has been over 6 weeks since he has seen her(even though he is supposed to have visitation every week)....All you can do is tell your child how very much YOU love them and show them they will never be alone! Children will respect you for all the hard work you do....they may have a different view on their father*aka sperm donor* but that is not something you have control of. Hang in there & good luck! *hugs* :)

Reeva - posted on 04/12/2011

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Personally I wouldnt break it to my kids that their father does not want to be in their life, I can just forsee more pain for them and pieces i will have to pick up. My Ex has another relationship and playing dad to her kid, I use to feel sorry for my kids and think how upsetting it must be to not have their dad in their life, I later realised those were my insecurities and feelings, it felt like a personal attack on me that he had zero to do with our children and was involved in the life of a child thats not his.

I explain to my daughter that daddy has his life and she will always be with her mummy because her mummy loves her to the moon and back. She is only 2 she doesnt need to know the reasons we are not together just the fact that he is not in the picture and I am. Sometimes I think its unfortunate that I am in this situation but I know this is the best solution and will produce the best results for myself and my kids :) Smiles all around

[deleted account]

i have been that child with no father, i grew up with a single mother,and soon became a single father later in life i was sad when i found out my father favored my four sisters and his niece's and nephews.
your child will never hate you for being that parent that you are today, my son is wondering where his mother is and i just say she went out. my partners kids thought he was just born and had no mother, however my partners one son ask where his jailbird father is and we just say he is working and when he is done he will be coming back.
don't worry to much as long as you take the age appropriate way to explain where the father is it won't be hard but what i suggest is going out and finding books on blended families where it shows different parents of diff cultures that make up families it should be easy to explain.

Kylie - posted on 04/12/2011

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I have the same situation with my son and the 'sperm donor'. I dont have anything to do with my ex's family though.I knew before my son was born that he didnt want to take on the responsibility of a child, and I wasnt going to push him, I know coming from a divorced house hold the stress of the fights in the courts were not worth the stress and worry on my child, and for my little boy to see that he doesnt want to stand up as a father. and i too worry about the day he starts asking about it all (he is only 18months old now). Im hoping that he does see it as every family is different, which is how im planing on steering the conversation. I have great family support, and my son does not go without anything, so I am hoping he doesnt hate me for the choices that ive made, and hopefully he understands that I have done it for him.
I agree that the father figure is someone who is there for the child, and helps raise the child, it does not have to be a blood connection. If you do find a father figure you can look into addoption so it is official if that concern of yours.
I know my son has everything he needs, and more than enough love, so im hoping it will all work out for the best

JuLeah - posted on 04/09/2011

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Not sure how old your child is now, but not sure why you would ever have that conversation. Why would you ever say that to him? All families look different. His family looks like .... why would you put judgement on that?
It sounds like this is way too far in the future to worry about now anyway. By the time he is old enough to ask, who knows what his life will look like, or what questions might occure to him.

Kelly - posted on 04/09/2011

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iv have the same problem my little boys 3 now and he's starting to ask where's dad and thinks that most blokes are called dad cause he hears other people saying it. it brakes my heart when he says things like that. his dads never met him and said from the start he never wants to be apart of his life.. i keep thinking about writing him a letter to see if after 3 years his feelings have changed but then i dont want to see him reject my son again

Serene - posted on 04/08/2011

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I'm going through the same thing with my daughters sperm donor. Mines a little different because I didn't want him there and I still don't want him in the picture. She is 10 months old and her sperm donor had seen pictures of her and still denies her, the courts tried to find him to take a dna test and he has not been found yet but, I don't care if he is there or not.... I know one day I'm going to have to tell her about her father but for now the only father she knows is my sons father... So i may just leave it at that, or one day I'll tell her and I know that she will not hate me for it..LOL she may appreciate me for it....

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