What to do with baby's father drama? How do you handle it? and how do you get passed the resentment?

Ashley - posted on 08/10/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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Alright, As most women know when you break up with an ex. their tends to be some sort of drama, even the slightest, but i need to know how to cope with the resentment. civily not want to rip him a new one, and understand why he does the things he does to get under my skin. We loved(and in my case i still love him-not the point-but lol) and been apart for6 months now. were off and on for 9 yrs(sincce we were 14 yrs old. and now all it seems to be is a fight. Everything thing that i say comes out negative when it never is. and we cant even talk to each other. he gets really mean and seems manipulative over an internet convo(such as email and im) but when he picks her up or drops her off...his demeanor is quite different. Im lost. I try to say or do al the right things to make it civil between us, but nothing seems to work with him because in his point of view i am always in the wrong. Can anyone help???????

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Eronne - posted on 08/11/2010

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You aren't over him and living the way you are is hell. Get him into your life or out - this half way stuff will never let you heal. He is the farther of your child not your husband. You do not need to talk to him, so don't. Messages can be left for pickup and dropoff. Try to go a week without hearing his voice, and then a month. Right now you are the cause of your anger and resentment. Accept your new life and get away from the old. This has nothing to do with him, it's all about you. He can be as mean, manipulative, getting under-your-skin, and negative as he wishes - you need to stop hearing it.

Tamika - posted on 08/14/2010

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OMG, i've been where you are babes! the first thing you have to do is figure out what you want and what is important. i agree that you may need to get to a place where there is no communication outside of pick up's and drop offs. so often we put so much into the baby mama/daddy drama; and nowhere in the bible is either one of those terms so why do put so much energy into it? one thing you have to consider with most guys(i say guys because a MAN wouldn't act like that) the more you try to keep it civil and make it about your child the more they will resist and pick unecessary fights. WHY? to keep you emotionally involved, if he has your mind then you can't move forward, and sadly that's what a lot of them want. i suggest stop playing into his mood swings and you both need to find a way to accept that you are no longer together and certain things are no longer for the two of you. when you talk to him make it about the baby and when you feel that he is starting to segway into something that has nothing to do with your daughter and will potentially cause drama, wrap the convo up politely and get off the phone. if the email or IM has nothing to do with her don't respond. Ex's are like a drug and you have to find a way to ween yourself off! don't concern yourself with his insults, you know what you do all day and you know you are a good mother so nothing he says should even get to you, you know your worth. he's just hasn't truly come to terms with the break up, but that's his issue not yours. i really hope this helps, it helped me and nothing Taylor's dad says or does even bothers me, and he finally sees that.

Dana - posted on 08/11/2010

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His resentment, being civil? It has been three years on this end and still trying to work that one out. He can change at a drop of a hat. It even leaves the attorney's scratching their head at his behavior. What I have figured out is he hates being accountable and responsible. He takes it out on me. Not much I can do about that, but at least I figured it out and know when something goes wrong or is not right in his life, he displays another "Drama Craze". I smile and ask, "Bad day again?" More times than not, I just smile and say nothing. The silence KILLS him as he is looking to get a rise out of me, an excuse to cause trouble. He has to look to others to entertain him as he cannot think of thinks on his own. I let the sleeping dog lie. He no longer bites and I know how to put the muzzle on now. Experience and time does wonders.....

Jaime - posted on 08/10/2010

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ok, I know how upsetting "baby daddy drama" can be. I am dealing with it too (plus his manipulative wife) and the best way that you can deal with it is to let him know that you will not have contact with him if he cannot act civilly. I have sought legal counsel and the advice that I have been given is to not have any contact with him. This may not work for you but then it just might let him know that you are past being a child (which is how he is behaving.) You not only have your daughter to think about, but also yourself. This situation is only going to bring you undue stress. Do not allow for him to get you riled up and stand up for yourself and your baby, no one else can do it for you. You know yourself and how capable of a mother that you are, forget him, he will NEVER change, guys always revert back to their old ways, despite how wonderful they are acting. I hope that my post was at least a little helpful. Just remember to keep your head up and keep moving forward and eventually he will see that his temper tantrums do not have an effect on you and he will give it up and go find some drama elsewhere.

Emma - posted on 08/15/2010

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Maybe go see a mutal friend and talk it over between you two and just get your feelings aired in a healthy way coz its not good for you or your baby, kids pick up on this kind of stuff . Ihopeyou can work it out

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Kathryn - posted on 08/13/2010

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my daughters father (ex husband) used to do the same thing...always picking a fight telling me i was keeping our daughter from him when he knows that i don't and never have...he is always the one who says he is going to call or come see her and then never does...it got to the point that i just stopped telling her that he was going to call her...it finally got to the point that i told him that he could only call and talk to his daughter and if he had any questions about her health or school then we would talk other than that we had nothing to discuss...his life was his life and mine was mine...the only thing we have in common is our daughter...we did get to the point where we could talk and i even added him as a friend on myspace and facebook...although i have deleted him now because his new girlfriend started causing problems and telling me i was a bad mother...now we only talk over im and i like it that way because i have my computer set to save everything...he only ims me about once every 2-3 months and hasn't called to talk to his daughter since may...it may make him mad at first but i suggest telling him that you will only discuss your child and if/when he starts talking about anything else just hang up the phone...he will most likely call back ad when you answer tell him i told you i will only talk about our child...if he starts again hang up again and don't answer anymore phone calls for the rest of the day...i had a police officer tell me that there is no law that says you have to answer the phone...

Ashley - posted on 08/13/2010

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i have the same prob with my sons dad you just have to give it time really he was the same way but now we are trying to work on our relationship for our son and ourselves. really all you can do is ignore the negative things he says its hard but it worked for me i hope it will work for you to. lots of luck =)

Heidi - posted on 08/12/2010

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It was always suggested to me that whenever dealing with the ex, act as if your life is great and wonderful. That you are happier now. And Alicia is right, talk only about your baby. When he starts arguing about something else, hang up, walk away, whatever it takes. It may take a while for him to understand what you are doing, and once he does, he will stop with the fighting. My ex used to love to tell me how horrible of a parent I am, how I should just basically rot and die. It took over a year of just ignoring all his comments and walking away, but it finally worked. Best of luck to you tho!

Alicia - posted on 08/12/2010

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The best thing you can do is only speak to him about your child & nothing else. If he starts accusing you of anything ask him if he is done talking about your daughter & if he is than you are gong to let him go cause you don't want to fight with him. It will piss him off at first cause you a hiding something blah blah blah but my ex stated seeing that the kids were happier cause we werent fighting as much & we could talk (even if it was only about the kids) Good Luck!!!

Ashley - posted on 08/12/2010

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All of you gave great advice...and to tell ya the truth i do about 90% of what you all just said and it doesnt work. I ignore ims and when i do answer...i normally try to do a one word answer or in as short words as possible...and he makes it a fight...he says he wants to be friends, and if i were to do someone else doin the exchange he would freak and say im not "taking care of my responsibilities" i hold my tongue...i cant call him either cause "he doesnt want me too" but thats what i wanted from the beginning...if you have a question...call....ask it...and then be done with it. I have exhuasted myself to acting like a stepford wife...lol. and that doesnt work at all. and to Eronne just because i still love him...doesnt mean hes "in my life" i have pushed him out...it is very possible to still love someone dearly without being with them...we're just two different people who dont view life, value, and relationships the same way anymore. first loves never die as they say, but i will keep trying everything i can. i wonder if i try the perky happy go lucky route what that would do?! lol, prolly just make him even worse..but idk...somethings gotta give. thank you all again! i appreciate it mucho :)

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this is something i'm struggling with. My ex and i are going through a divorce...it's a really stressful, confusing, CRAPPY situation, considering I still love him and wish that we could have what we had before i got pregnant, but he's such an ass to me all the time right now. He claims he wants to be friends, but picks fights with me and then blames me...he does nothing but play emotional games with me, etc.
It's really hard to distance yourself when you have a child together. If you're in a position to, i would suggest to maybe have the child at your moms or a friends or family members and have him pick her up from there? maybe if you don't have to see him for a couple weeks, it will give you both a little bit to cool off.? I know my ex would just call CPS on me...and he thinks that I'm just at home all day having guys over and whoring around and sleeping around...ummm WAY far from the truth.
But maybe you could try something like that. Have someone do the exchange for you? I also agree with whoever said dont message, email or IM him if you dont absolutely have to. If you absolutely have to talk to him, try calling him that way you can make it clear that you're not trying to be mean or start a fight? And then you can also make it short too.
Hope it all works out!

Klarissa - posted on 08/11/2010

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Ashley,
I am currently going through the same situation as you, it is hard to stay civil sometimes but what you just have to do is think of your daughter and knowing that you are doing the best that you can, when he gets mean or rude i would suggest as one of the moms said don't say anything rude or mean to him back because he wants to see what you will do.

Ashley - posted on 08/10/2010

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i guess i could have elaborated a bit more. lol. I mean even talking about our daughter leads to fights. Im a stay at home mother and have been since day one, and im constantly accused of going out partying everyday...when im lucky if i even leave my house to go to the store once a week. I do all the right things a new parent should. i give my daughter all the attention she could possibly need. I dropped my whole life for her, and yet im still a bad mother somehow. Just because i speak a blunt opinion makes me a bad mother in his eyes. what can i do? any advice would help. you have no idea how lost and bittter ive become over this.

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