What to say to my son about his absent father?

Chazmine - posted on 08/07/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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my son doesn't have his father in his life he provides childsupport but no emotional support for his son at all he doesn't even bother to call. It doesn't really bother me that he isn't around I know my son is better off without him unfortunately but I worry about the day when my son asks why doesn't his dad care about him but takes care of his other children I don't know what to say and I know that day is comming soon he already feels his dad doesn't care about him I've kinda blown off the situation anytime something of that category comes up to distract him from the situation but I know Ill have to come up with a response and since I know I can't make dad do right but I haven't the slightest idea of what to say to my son. If anyone has any suggestion please respond I'm at a lost what shoud I say to my son if he askes about his father's carelessness? I don't want my son to feel unloved but at the same time I don't know what I could say to put him at ease of the situation and I don't want to bad mouth his dad I know that will only come back to bite me in the butt so what should I say to my son?

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Barbara - posted on 08/21/2011

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The hardest thing for a mother to do is having to tell her child the truth, knowing it will hurt. The topic is very delicate considering the child's age at the time, however if ignored it will cause the child to have their own answers. These answers at times will be, blaming themselves for the other parent's absence. My son's father is not in his life. I tried my best to go around the topic until one day when my son was three years of age he expressed his sadness by telling me that his daddy didn't want to play with him anymore. I was crushed. I tried to reassure him that wasn't true and always told him that no matter what his father loves him. When my son began school the topic became even more difficult because he started to see fathers take their children to school and be involved. I started to notice now at the age of six my son developed behavioral problems. I had to reassure him that expressing his feelings would be okay and that I wouldn't get upset. He did tell me that he missed his father very much. I reassured him that he is special no matter what, because he is a child of God. I also told him that God is his real father and that me and his dad were chosen to be his parents. I told him that despite of his dad's choices it has nothing to do with who he is as his own person or what he is able to accomplish. It has been difficult, however I did have him see a child psychologist and I also have him involved in church. I think it is very important to have outside support. Despite all this my son is an intelligent and loving child. I am sure I will still have to have this conversation with him several times but I don't mind. I prefer for him to feel that he can come talk to me then to suppress his feelings. As mothers all we can do is be honest, loving and supportive. Children are observant little people and are very much aware of who is on their side.

Keja - posted on 08/11/2011

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Baby girl there is nothing you can do to stop that question from being asked. I know the feeling, even though my daughter's father is well in her life. I try to make him understand that just seeing her when convenient for him is not enough. I try to force him to understand that buying pampers, milk, clothes, etc. does not make you a father. It's more so the time that you spend with that child. Family is a very important thing in life to me which is the reason as to why you have to let go and move on sometimes. I tried for ever to get him to realize that we really needed him, esp. when she was first born and as a toddler to make sure she knows that her has both parents in her life. Even still, my daughter cries out for her father every night. It bothers me that we as black women have to go through this. I wish it was a way to make them understand that having a child is more than providing support to that child but to each other as parents. Nowadays, there is too much to risk. I believe that men come around when they feel needed. But in your case, be honest at all times, and when he does ask you those questions, tell him the truth. No need to get into details about wht happened with the two of you because that will make him not like him even more. The bad part is that in the end, the children will be the ones to suffer but if you believe in the Lord and His powers, you nore that son have nothing to worry about. I can promise you that. Pray for a man that will accept both you and your son and in the mean time, as the Lord to help you become a better candidate to be that perfect wife. Watch how things change. You will be okay. This, too, shall pass. Muah

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Father - posted on 05/15/2014

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family law is broken

You choose child support or father involvement. Not your fault as the law is flawed.

Child support is somehow interpreted as child best interests

Go to fatherlessgeneration.com for the results of family law

.

Tami - posted on 05/13/2014

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Hi Chazmine , this was a question I asked myself all the time - when he was an infant I would lay awake at night dreading the day he would ask about him. My son's dad has never seen him , he never wanted to. Today (now that my son is almost 8) I realize what a blessing it is that he is not in his life - he has nothing positive to impart on my sons life and I am happy that I never tried to force him to be around. Not everyone would agree with me on that and it's a very personal choice but I chose not to have my child damaged beyond repair by a man who is broken.

All that being said when my son did ask about him a few years ago , I told him that being a parent was a big big job and that his daddy wasn't able to be a dad because his heart wasn't able to fill up with love - its was the truth in my situation and I wanted to be honest in a way he could grasp. His reaction was "okay mom, that's too bad - I am happy to have grandpa with me".

Wishing you lots of courage and to find joy in all that motherhood offers :)

Jaimie - posted on 05/09/2014

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I have a two year old and a four year old they are both boys. Their father and I have always been together until about a month ago. We have been separated since december but we still spent time together with the kids up until the first of april. My husband was always in and out of work all of the jobs he did have either myself or my father provided for him. He always found a way to lose every job he was given leaving me to be the soul provider for our entire relationship. Not only was I the financial provider but the emotional rock as well. My husband had a hard life as a child and depended on me for emotional and financial support. Things just got worse after having kids. He became heavy into drugs which led to our separation then landed himself in jail. He was physically and emotionally abusive. My four year old ended up telling a social worker that visited his day care about the abuse. I got a restraining order against him and got granted full custody. At first the kids didn't ask about him but now my four year old is acting out in school and at home when I ask why he says he is sad that he misses his dad. He is hitting his brother and lying about it saying that his brother hit him when I see it happen myself. Now he is saying his teacher hit him but I don't know what to believe with him anymore. When I try and talk to him he does everything he can to avoid it and says he doesn't like talking. I don't know what to do!

Robyn - posted on 09/15/2011

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All you can really try is just be honest with him, for example if u had gotten pregnant wit your son and Daddy wasn't ready to be a daddy and then explain to your son tht although daddy isnt alwasy around he still loves you and takes care of you ( with support money). I dunno if that will help you but i tried.

Jessica - posted on 08/21/2011

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I have am in the same situation except my son's father doesn't pay support. I have thought about this for a long time as far as what to tell him when he asks. I am very glad that his father ins't involved because he has three other children and his parents have custody of them. He sees them and pays for them. I am going to tell my son that his father was too involved in himself and other kids and even though he isn't around that he is loved more than anything and has plenty of people that love him. Hope this helps some.

Lora - posted on 08/18/2011

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My oldest son met his Dad when he was about 12 or 13. He had always paid child support but had no emotional ties to him. My husband was his father figure, not a great one at that. My Dad was a great father figure to my son. My son never really ask any questions about his biological father. I new that if he did what I would say. I have always told my oldest and now my youngest that children are gifts from God and some people do not recognize that. I knew that you are a gift and from the minute I found out I was pregnant, I wanted you. I wanted that gift. Your father didn't recognize the gift he has in you. That is his loss. You havn't lost anything. I love you, and your Dad not being around is a choice he made and it has nothing to do with you. I never bad mouthed his Dad because our children are 1/2 there Dad's. So we would be putting the child down also. God Bless you. He will give you the words to say when the timing is right. Just believe in him and all his wisdom and you can't go wrong.

Heather - posted on 08/14/2011

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My daughter has never met her father and I'm okay with that. Inevitably, questions do arise about her dad and I always try to give her an honest, age-appropriate answer. When she was 2, she asked me if her daddy was a good daddy or a bad daddy? I responded that her daddy was a lot like everyone else....a little bit good and a little bit bad....that was the end of the conversation for awhile. As she's gotten older (she's 9 now), the questions have gotten more detailed and more mature and I've always tried to be honest with her. My theory is that if they are old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to know at least the basic answer. I was wise enough to get a photo of my daughters' father and 1/2 siblings so that I could give her something to reference when we talk about him. I've never tried to sugar-coat who he is, but I don't always give too many details either. I just didn't want her to make up any fantasy father who lives in another country or is off fighting a war and that's the reason he can't come see her...I want her to know who her father is and that his choice is just that...HIS. He doesn't know her to know how wonderful and creative she is. He doesn't realize what he's missing and he's being selfish. If she wants to go find him when she's an adult, I'll help her with that after she's past her 26th birthday....but until then, I'll just answer her questions as best as I can.

Diana - posted on 08/14/2011

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My son hasn't seen or heard from his father in more than 9 years. His father is an alcoholic, and I was encouraged by some people to say, "he's sick, he can't come see you." when I was asked. But I felt like that was too weak.

I've given small pieces of the answer as he's gotten older, but I started with, "I don't know why he doesn't call. it doesn't make sense to me. You're a wonderful kid, and he'd love you so much if he knew you." and give him a big hug.

one day last year, when my son was 11 and I was having a little less patience, I said that his dad was in love with alcohol above all else. We had a very serious discussion about alcoholism and about the genetic components involved. my son needs to be aware of the fact that he's at a higher risk due to his father's (and grandfather's) problem.

Anyway, I guess this is just a long winded way of saying I don't know. I never feel like I had a good answer, and I refused to make something up or defend a man who didn't deserve it. My son has had some help from a counselor, and he understands that he is well loved by the rest of his family, and that has started to help. Love your son every day, and have good friends and family around. These things help.

Jennifer - posted on 08/07/2011

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Never be afraid to seek out professional advise or counseling. I kinda blew off the answer for my daughter about her father because I hoped he would magically appear on the white hourse and want her and I in his life it usually doesn't work that way unless you write for Disney, so consult a professional, everyone needs someone to talk to and thats ok! Good luck!

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