whats best for baby----- a flaky dad or no dad at all?

Shahela - posted on 02/24/2010

u r right.just kick him out.ur child and u deserve a better life.u will be at peace

Deb - posted on 02/24/2010

Absolutely not! If he really wants to be a part of her life, he can sober up and come see her. Do NOT take her to see him. If he is not making a financial contribution and not paying for gas an d the time you spend taking her there, then he doesn't really care about her. Do NOT let him be around her if he is still drinking. My ex boyfriend was just like that with his kids from other relationships. I met quite a few of his kids while we were together and I can honestly tell you that every single one of those children would have been better off without him in their lives! He would make promises to them and then get wasted and never pick them up or keep the promise. All he cared about was where his next drunk or high came from. The children still keep in touch with me as I am the only "girlfriend" of his that even made him pretend to care about them. It is so sad! Do your child a favor and hopefully some day you will find her a father that really truly cares!

Rose - posted on 02/23/2010

No it is natural for you to want to protect your child. Don't let anyone tell you different. If he is a danger to your child, he should stay away. It doesn't seem like he can take care of himself, much less your child.

Susie - posted on 02/22/2010

i feel that you as the responsible parent (this is also me) want's to do what you feel is best for your child. i would agree with a child so young it is best to keep her away from dangerous situations. i also know that the relationship a CHILD has between his or her parents has NOTHING to do with YOUR relationship (with your childs father). i think in the future (and every kid grows at their own pace) your child will develop a relationship with her father whether it's good or bad and then choose if she wants to have him in her life. as responsible parents i believe that we will do what we think is best, but in time we will have to give up our hatred for the non participating parent and let out kids decide what is right for them. if you don't let your child see her dad she will grow to resent you. this doesn't mean if he's a drunk he should have one on one time. children will grow and see the difference, learn what is right, what is wrong, who's a good/bad person. and with your guidance you will make her become even more aware. for now, do what's in her best interest and safety. in the future, monitor and let her decide. and as for your drunk ex, WHAT A JERK! get some child support set up, promises from drunks are like cars with no engines. they aren't reliable and they won't run.

Holly - posted on 02/22/2010

My son hasn't seen his father since he was 7 months old because of the same issues... drugs, alcohol, abuse. And now that he is just a couple months shy of 3, I can say without a doubt that no dad at all is better for our situation. It definitely has to be a case by case ruling but I walk away from the child support to not have to open my sweet child's life up to those influences. When he asks where his daddy is, all I can tell him is that his daddy loved him but needed to take care of himself more right now. I point out the ways they are alike and really let him only know the positive things. He will find out all that crap soon enough... right now I enjoy every moment of not having to worry about him. Isn't it easier to not worry that the money won't come in when you don't count on it? And to not have to stress about him not showing up for visitation? I had to put my child's safety above all else and I don't want him to grow up thinking that those things are okay. It isn't wrong to wish the father gone... I spent a LONG time wishing that and now I don't even miss it. And like I say with Toby... he can't miss what he doesn't know!

Shelly - posted on 02/22/2010

i say no dad is better then some crappy dad, my daughter went to her dads and within 4 hrs under his so called supervision she ended up in the hospital with an overdose she nearly died.. so i definitely think giving the boot is the right idea

Maegan - posted on 02/22/2010

my sons dad isnt in the picture at all except for the court ordered child support or i wouldnt be getting anything at all.he hasnt called to check up on or ask about my son in 8 weeks.he was 45 minutes late to the court ordered appointment if that tells you anything.i would rather have him not come around at all then be a flaky dad.my son doesnt need to know a jerk for a dad cause then hes more apt to belike that later in life.and idont want that.but thats my choice. i would take my son over there to his dads house and he didnt really interact with him at all.so i would send text messages saying do you not care about your son cause you dont act like you do.it just pushed him further away.hope this helps

Danielle - posted on 02/21/2010

It is better to not have him around in my opinion. My daughter's father left when I was 7months pregnant and came around when she was born, we had an argument at the hospital about her last name, he walked out and I haven't seen him since. He said that he would be there for her and all that crap.... my daughter is almost 16months now and to this day, I haven't seen or heard a word from him. I have since then moved across the country to be with family and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know she is taken care of and I never have to worry about anything to do with him. You can do it, I know you can and you have to do what is best for you child. It hurts sometimes and you are going to wish you had help and its going to be hard, but I know you can do it.

Beverley - posted on 02/21/2010

hi, i got rid of my ex to due to drink and not paying towards household bills, i made the decision to stop him from seeing them as i didnt want them growing up around that sort of enviroment. plus there was other reasons aswell. he kept sayin that he will change and hes sorry but it never changed. i do agree that a child needs both parents in their life but i am sure you can give enough love for both. if he isnt going to change, then its his loss. i dont think your wrong in how you feel as i understand that you feel emotional, angry as how can drink be more important than your child. would you ever consider him having visitations were he gets to see his daughter in a supervised enviroment, if he arrives drunk then he doesnt get to see her. thats how it was for me but he still turned up drunk and thats how i ended up stopping him from seeing my 2 daughters. it is hard but i does get easier.hope tospeak to u soon. im here if you need to talk.

Carmen - posted on 02/19/2010

you are completely justified! this story also sounds familiar to me. my son is 13 and hasn't seen his father in years. I chose not to pursue child support bc the father really is that bad. he can't even take care of himself. when he attemped to appear that he cared he would consistently disappoint my son. it was horrible enough that he disappoined me in our failed relationship, but my son didn't/doesn't deserve to put up with him. it killed me to see him repeatedly disappointed and I refuse to expose my son to unnecessary trauma. my son is being taught what it means to be a man. I am so proud of him :)

Jennifer - posted on 02/19/2010

Id stay no father at all. I booted my son father for being alcohlic an a drug dealing. My son is almost 8 months old now an he doing do wonderful an he so happy all the time. Ur child goin grow up 2 see him drinkin all the time an there goin think it ok 2 do it just like daddy. Think of the child future. It the best for the child an any child to satay away from anyone thats an alcoholic.

Amanda - posted on 02/19/2010

You are not wrong. you made effort and he didnt. She's better off with out him, I learned the hard way, let him go.

Tara - posted on 02/19/2010

No father.. The sooner the better, U don't want UR child 2 pick up on issues and honestly I wish I had banned my sons father out sooner, britton was 5 N he has NO problem yet but I feel it would had been better sooner N if U know hes not GOOD 4 the child say LATER!!

Samantha - posted on 02/18/2010

Having no dad is better than having a part time dad all you can do is focus on your precious daughter and hope he will come around if not it is better for her in the long run i have two kids by two different dads it took my first sons father a year and a half to get his shit strait and now he is the best dad ever my second sons father is the biggest piece of shit ever and i don't think he will ever change take it to court for child support but order supervised visit which from the sounds of things he will not attend or pay for (because the courts do make the dad pay for those) and maybe one day he will change and if not it is better for you and your daughter not to have the stress of worrying about whether he will be sober tomorrow and able to take care of her. i wish you the best of luck

Felicia - posted on 02/18/2010

u a not wrong u are jus tired i think my kids father is n n out never eally been fully ere jus wants to say he a dad i guess. i feel the same way bout him because i want him around for them but cant force him to do right n b a positive ole model and influence. God will handle it all for us. Jus b patience

Gemma - posted on 02/18/2010

thats lyk my babys daddy. i left him but took her 2 c him every couple off days but now i figured it ou his not worth it. he has brouhgt her 2 packs of nappies & only has 2 pay $30AU a month. no daddy i better than a dead beat.

Meged - posted on 02/17/2010

You're not wrong. You're protecting your child. If he throws himself out of the car, there's no telling what else could happen.

I left my baby's dad because he had anger issues, he was always punching stuff. I know it's not the same thing. But, when I left him he said that I was being unreasonable, because he would never hit me or my son, but I wasn't gonna take that chance.

If you want them to have a relationship, you can always have someone supervise it. Like take someone with you and drop them and your little girl off. Just a thought.

Amber - posted on 02/17/2010

I would say no dad is the best choice, you need to keep your daughter safe and it does not sound like he is a very responsible person. He could possibly become a danger for your child. So in order to keep her safe from a drunk and protect her little heart getting broken in the future I would no longer associate with her daddy. I would leave the job up to him to come see her and it doesn't sound as though he is going to help you financially with your daughter anyway.

Cassie - posted on 02/17/2010

Okay, here's my input. I am in a similar situation, aside from the special needs. And what I would do if I were you is I wouldn't necessarily say he can't be in your baby's life, but I would not personally make any more efforts towards it yourself. If he cares enough to be your baby's life, then he will make the effort himself to come see your beautiful baby!! If not, then your baby is better off. And I would not let him see your baby if he is drunk or has been drinking, cause it's not too much to ask of him to be sober if he wants to be around her. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope I helped.

Heather - posted on 02/16/2010

you shouldn't have to put out the effort i think it would be great if he was there but i wouldn't go out of my way to make sure he is in the end he will be the one regretting he wasn't there

Ellie - posted on 02/16/2010

I wish my babyfather would just disappear too! think its probably quite common, We have the babies, bring up the babies, we shouldnt be made to feel responsible for there dads too!

Shawne - posted on 02/16/2010

I agree with you 100%. I have not had any contact with my sons father since i was pregnant and he is ok so far he knows that he is loved. He knows that it was not his doing that caused his dad to not be there. I think that as long as they know they are loved that is the important thing. If they are comming in and out of thier lives it opens those wounds again , and again.

Dahlia - posted on 02/15/2010

i dont think that u are wrong in any way. his family should have him sober up.he is a very bad influence on his daughter. and dangerous!and u as a mom should have your peace of mind, its not fair that he has u going thru this, u driving all the way. i dont think u should care about his family, they should have him sobered up. if he cared he would do that. but its a sickness, But thats not your problem.When he threw himself out of the car, he could have pulled her with him.

oh god i am really sorry that someone has to go thru this, bringing up a child is hard enuff. noone needs these hassles

Karina - posted on 02/15/2010

I have had problems with my child's father and he has a habit of wanting to accept her then turn around and call me a whore then not talk to me for months and denying she is his. I have not had a paternity test done because he does not want to pay child support and every time I bring up child support he threatens me saying he will make my life hell. I have decided for the sake of my daughter that it is best he is not there. To me I feel like I do not want her feeling that it is appropriate that a women be treated badly because she will grow up thinking it is normal. I also would rather meet someone later in life who is going to love her and accepter as their own then her have a father who keeps going back and forth between whether he wants the responsibility or not. Men who are going to be flaky about their children are just going to cause problems for them later in life. However, if my daughter decides later on she wants to meet her real father I will not deny her that because she deserves to know. Ultimately she will decide whether or not she wants him in her life once she can make that judgement on her own. Till then as a mother I do not see him as a good roll model for her.

Alicia - posted on 02/14/2010

Absolutely not! You are right for the choices you have made. When it comes to the well being of your child you are the mother. Your daughter doesn't know whats "bad" behavior when it comes to drinking and driving. You have to protect her even if it is from her father! Don't give in to his family. He has proven that he doesn't want anything to inconvience his life style including his daughter. My kids have never met their fathers because thier fathers were flaky during my pregnancies. I decided it would be best for my kids not to know a father than to have a flaky father. May the Lord lead you to do what is best for your baby girl.

Kendra - posted on 02/14/2010

You have every right to decide what's best for your baby. I choose to not get in contact with my baby's sperm donor because life with him would be much harder than life without him. If a man choose to abandon you- he has made it very clear where he wants to be. Document everything you buy (gas, diapers, formula, doctors ect.) in case he takes you to court. You KNOW what to do. It's okay to be scared to do it. You've got this!

Kendra

Christina - posted on 02/14/2010

Totally not wrong! I always knew I'd rather Emilee have no dad than a half-ass dad or a dad that was forced to be a part of her life because a judge told him to. They'll grow up just fine. My child is healthy and happy and I think bringing in her flaky and bad influence of a father would be detrimental to her well-being.

Kayla - posted on 02/14/2010

I have a lot of similar experience. I don't suggest encouraging an unhealthy enviroment. If it was okay for the kids you wouldn't have to leave. I would make your daughter available if he can come to see her. But I can tell by how you write that you know what the right thing in your heart to do is. Alcoholism is a disease. He is sick. And it can be contagious to your daughter if you don't take control of your lives. Best of luck. You got this sweetie. If she's got you, your daughter has all the love it takes to pull a little girl through. Single mom's raise great people every day. Remember you ARE strong!

Valerie - posted on 02/14/2010

no your not wrong at all...maybe you not letting him in her life will give him some kind of initiative to straighten out his life...if you keep letting him with your daughter he could seriously hurt her or more devastating can kill her...this is a dangerous situation which your daughter shouldnt be in...and if he doesnt want to put in the effort to see or talk to her then he isnt worth being in her life...she needs people who love her and are there for her all the time...not this...be careful...i wish you the best and i hope u make the right decision.

Nicole (Nikkie) - posted on 02/14/2010

Jennifer I always say u can't make someone be if a parent if they don't want to be. It is very obvious that this man does not want to be a father to his child because he is not making any efforts to be, no excuses. I have two children and their father is a dead beat as well, but you know what he has to answer for that one day not me. I am doing my job as a mother and doing his job of playing the father role as well. NO you are not wrong. You provide the home the love the support the care for this child and he can't drag his sorry butt to see the child or send any money for the child o please. The only person wrong in this situation is him.

Kristina - posted on 02/14/2010

my babies father had every chance to be involved, but it would be inconvenient to his lifestyle... he threatened to beat me to "get rid of the baby", i have seen him one day since.. and he said he wanted to be involved... me wanting to be the best mum possible, said ok.. he flaked 5 times in a row... he will now not get another chance until she wants to see him! that is her call, i will not stand in her way. I have never asked for anything from him, no child support, medicals, he is not on the birth cert. I fully believe that she has everything she will ever need with me and my family. she is supported in so many ways, there may always be the daddy gap, but better to have uncles and grandparents who want to spend time with her, than a flake daddy who has to!!! Flakes need to learn. This is where i believe society is going wrong. kids need parents! not self-involved alcoholics who can think of nothing but themselves.

Kenyetta - posted on 02/13/2010

A drunk daddy is a terrible daddy. I kicked my daughter's father out 3 weeks ago. Since then he only visited once and calls once a week and it at midnight. I told him if he can't call when she's wake it don't make any sense for him to call. I told him he needs to do better. He hasn't been help financially since I found out I was pregnant in April 2009.

Michelle - posted on 02/12/2010

I'm a child of divorce and am divorced with a child. In my opinion it is better to have no father than to have a bad dad. After reading a lot of posts on the communities of the site it seems like a lot of women disagree. I know the courts think it is always better for a child to have as much contact as is safe with their fathers even if they are losers or flaky. I don't understand why people think it is better for a child to be around a father who will hurt them (maybe not physically but they get hurt emotionally, developmentally, etc) than to be only with a mother who loves and strengthens them. Makes me angry (I'm in that situation) but what can we do. In your case I'd say good riddance unless he proves over a good period of time that he has changed and is going to be a positive influence in your daughter's life.
Whatever you decide is best, good luck :-)

Laurie - posted on 02/12/2010

You are absolutely not wrong!!!! Reading your words was like a reflection in the mirror. My daughters father has been through rehab 3 times to get sober and still hasn't mastered it. He has learned the hard way that he may not come around until he has documented proof that he is sober and has been for a year. Also employed and taking care of himself. Which is why I nor my daughter have heard from him since October nearly 5 months ago. It is so hard. My daughter still thinks of her father as a hero, and I don't ask for support because that will put him back in our lives and it's just not worth it. I'd rather live in a box. Your little girl needs to come first and unfortunately you are at the point where you're going to have to act like a mother bear and protect your cub at all costs, because he will do this to you until you end it. For an alcoholic the drama never ends and it's always someone elses fault. For your daughters sake and for your own, until he is willing to truly man up.....keep her away. Use the police, get a restraining order, and if you're lucky enough to have a little cash, get custody papers drawn up. If not rely on the police. If he has a record, the police will be on your side. Go to your nearest crisis intervention and have them help you put an order in place. I realize they can walk right through them (mine did), but when they do, they will go straight to jail. Keep your door locked and make sure to tell her daycare (if she goes), that he can't pick her up. This is a long and hard road, I won't lie. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and they do eventually go away.

I hope this helps.

Laurie

l_mcnamar@yahoo.com