when do i give up on the dead beat dad?

Brittany - posted on 09/19/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

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im 23 weeks pregnant and i have been with the father on and off for 3 years. he has left me 7 different times since ive become pregnant. how do i find the strength to not let him come back after leaving me again? i for some reason cant accept defeat with him and im afraid of doing it alone. more so scared of my baby seeing mommy and daddy fighting. how can i move on and know im going to be ok?

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Bobbie - posted on 10/26/2009

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YOU WILL BE OK!! there are a lot of single mothers in this world long for computers and support. Stay motivated, find out what you want to do whether it is go back to school. Just get determined. you do not want to raise your child in an unhealthy invironment. you dont want to have your son or gaughter growing up seeing how his or her daddy miss treats you. you have to set the example.

Niamh - posted on 10/26/2009

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ni im niamh i have a 9 month old and just broke up wit mi boyfriend after 4 years it was a very rocky relationship he was always fighting around mi son and was violent and had drugs ect around him mi advice is to get out now befor the baby comes it will just get harder trust me you dont want your baby in a bad environment and if you still wit him wen you have him all the thoughts of your future together and first christmas an all just makes it all harder so trust me for your baby i wud end it you will be fine on your own im only 19 and we are fine we have our own place and mi family are always around to help

Jackie - posted on 10/23/2009

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My daughter is 4month..n i am a single parent...yea it is hard but im doin things by myself because i love her..she is my strength...u just have to stop this for ur baby's own good...it will b more hard on ur child if the baby grows up seeing u 2 fighting all the time..it will affect the baby's development..its not about you orwat u want no more its about wats good 4 the baby...im doing my best to raise my daughter bymyself...he comes around once n a while but is not always der..if i dont do everythin 4 her no 1 will...i kno its hard 2 leave some1 but sometimes u have 2 put ur foot down n stop things b4 they get worse...hope everythin works out 4 u...best wishes 4 u n ur baby

Jessie - posted on 10/23/2009

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The father of my daughter, who is now 3, almost 4, has been in prison since she was 10 months old. Over the years I have made sure to keep his picture around the house and I take her to visit him once or twice a year just so she doesn't forget who he is or what he looks like when he gets out in March 2010. I know my situation is completely different from yours, but I will never give up on him-I think that will only make him go back to the only thing he knows and go back to prison. Of course, my family totally disagrees with my decision, but he's her father and that's forever, and I will always have love for him no matter what. I would wait and see if he shows up for the birth and then make your decision. Bur, you will do just fine on your own, if that's what it comes to-if I can do it alone, anyone can! :) Keep your head up, you and your baby will be just fine-with OR without him. It's his loss if he doesn't step up-not yours or your baby's. :)

Marta - posted on 10/22/2009

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Brittany you are going to be okay doing it alone, there are so many woman out there that are doing the same and will support you, remember that. If you continue this relationship chances are your child will suffer. Try to end the relationship you have with him now and forever. If you're okay with him being a father and he wants to be involved then by all means let him, but that doesn't mean you have to be with him. Once your child is born you will see that you will do everything in your power to protect him/her, and that may be what you need to end the relationship permanently. Keep your head up and remember you're not alone.

[deleted account]

Brittany I have done the same thing I fell pregnant to a guy that said he was happy and then just in the middle of my preg he told me to get rid of it then told me he changed his mind my son is 11 months old and he still hasnt seen his dad, Leaving him was the best thing i could do because everytime i believed his lies i got depressed when it turned out crap. You will be fine be strong and do what you think is right for you and your child.

Angela - posted on 10/20/2009

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I gave birth to my kids without there father i had alot support from my family and my friends that what matters the most. If you want him in the child life i would set up time for him see the kid and if does not make there then dont bother with it kids are pretty smart they will figure it out whos the preson who is number one in there life is u

Michelle - posted on 10/18/2009

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well all u have to do is ask ur self do u want to see fear on ur childs face and have them yell NO NO NO NO! to their father because of his tone! to have you 9 mo old clutching at you bawling becasue DADDY wont quit screaming! come on its an easy choice ! and thats exactly what it is a choice you are choosing to let him do these things to you and his shit will stop the moment you stop it ! sorry to be so mean ive just been bitterly dealing with the same crap so let me save you the trouble

Jennifer - posted on 10/17/2009

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hun ive been chasing my dead beat dad of three of my kids for five yrs.hes left me many differant times while i wa and wasnt pregnant.the men are not worth it they come and go and never have a care in the world. the best thing to do is let him go.after five lousy yrs ive finally let him go. i still think about him of course ur never going to be able to forget him u have his child but its just not worth all the pain and sorrow that they put us through.it will be very hard in the beginning but always remember when he tries to come crawling back that he left u and ur child alone and he probably wwent to get some from someone else and u never know what they might give to u and ur unborn child so there is always something to remind u of what kind of a father he would be if he is leaving before the baby even arrives. but in the end it just isnt worth the pain to even remember the good times u had with him b/c it just makes it that much harder to let them go and then u end up letting them come back and getting hurt once more.

Lori - posted on 10/17/2009

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how helpful is he really going to be towards you and the baby? From the sounds of it, he may be more detrimental to your child's well being if you take him back again. Maybe try other alternatives, as in not living together and he can come over to see the baby once its here. Or try to remain friends and set boundaries with him, but set them with yourself first. If you decide to move on without him, know you'll be fine. You're better off without him and getting the help elsewhere.

Michelle - posted on 10/16/2009

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i am a single mom of 3 i know it is scary but u can do bad by yourself your baby doesnt need to be born into a hostile enviornment have faith in yourself that u can do it and be strong not only for u but for your baby the dad obviously doesnt car about u or he wouldnt keep leaving add me as friend and sny time you need to talk ill listen and give advice when i can im going through alot of stuff right now too but i know i have to stay strong for my kids if i dont who will SINGLE MOMS ROCK

Teresa - posted on 10/16/2009

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It's not easy and until you've had that epiphany, it doesn't matter what anyone else tells you. You know what you need to do and if he can't get it together now, it won't get any easier after the baby is here. You need to put that baby first, his time is over. You and that baby are worth more!



We all want the storybook family, but we have not all made the decisions to get us that result. We need to stop the bad decisions and get ourselves on the right path to lead us where we need to be by making good decisions. Everyone make mistakes, but what I'm saying is it's not too late to alter what the future holds for you. You have to know that you will not be alone. Your friends and family will be there for you. You can do it! Have some faith :-)

Misty - posted on 10/15/2009

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well if he has left you 7 times sounds like he is using you more then wanting you. I was with a man for 9 yrs fighting with him in front of the kids just damaged then and they still remember...If he really cared about you he would'nt have kept leaving you expecially when you are carrying his baby, fighting will cause you or that baby stress and preterm labor believe me i went through that too. You are a beautiful girl you can find a much better guy to treat you right and there are guys out there that don't care if you have a baby with someone else they will be there for you AND your baby if they really care for you! Good Luck and move on to bigger and better things!

Lauren - posted on 10/15/2009

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For me I stuck around until it did some to that point, and it was not a option to be with someone who faught in front of my son. You will have to want to do it and one day you will come to your breaking point. Good luck- I undertand!!

Ashley - posted on 10/14/2009

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It's hard to give up on the dead beat dad.. but you have to do it for yourself and for your baby. You can't stress out about him anymore. Your priorities are you and that baby. It wouldn't be defeat, it would be being the bigger and better person and showing him that you don't need him, even though you dont want to do it alone.

Mia - posted on 10/13/2009

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same situation.... 20 weeks pregnant and he's only come to see me once... doesn't call to see how the baby is... how i am... I gave up on him the first month that he wouldn't pick up the phone or respond to my text messages... now he is dating a girl i used to call my bestfriend.... you have to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that he hasnt been doing right for 3 yrs... he isn't going to change because of the baby... I've decided not to have him around at all because I'm having a boy and do not want him as an influence to my child... once he gets his life together, maybe.. but not right now... girl... i dont know if i'm going to be okay financially... but i kNOW i will be okay with it just being me and the baby... and there are so many other men out there who will take care of your child and love you as well... but it isn't going to happen until you have had enough... My pregnancy was my breaking point for my ex... I wasted 3 yrs with him but now have this blessing and I wont let him take it from me.... you gotta know that your child will see how this man is.. and it hurts... my father is a deadbeat.. and now my baby's father is the same... practically the same person... dont let that cycle continue with you.. be a conqueror not a victim

Savannah - posted on 10/06/2009

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I'm still dealing with this and my daughter is 20 months. We haven't broken up, but it's constant fighting, and he does NOT provide for her in the least. It's really hard to let him go, mainly because we've been together for awhile and I'm honestly scared of doing everything alone (even though I basically already do)....I wish you the best of luck in everything. Just stay strong =)

Dehlia - posted on 10/06/2009

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ok i am a 20 year old mother of two and my baby daddy and i have been together for 3years and we have spilt up once and he came back..... i am going to tell you now we fight all the time and when we r fighting my 2.5 year old start screaming over us so we will stop fighting and i see that it hurts me and my kids i wish he would leave !

Jennifer - posted on 10/06/2009

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the most important thing is your baby and you dont need the added stress of the fighting while you are pregnant. i wasnt with my babies father that long but i had a similiar problem with him wanting to be involved on again and off again through my pregnancy. i finally told him that there would be a time when to late would come and finally told him if you dont want to be involved than i will do it myself because i didnt want my child to suffer because of a dad that couldnt make up his mind in the long run by coming and going out of his life...he finally made the choice on his on to not be involved and me and my son are better off because of it. as long as you have a good support system from friends and family you can do anything. you are strong enough to not need a man who is not going to be dependable or reliable when it comes to your child.....Good Luck!!!! and congrats

Brittany - posted on 10/05/2009

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you ladies have been very helpful. im at the point now where i think i might be over reacting to everything due to the hormone craziness so im concidering taking one day at a time untill my son is born and see how i feel about him then.. any comments or suggestions on that?

Carrie - posted on 09/23/2009

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i agree with remembering the one thing that upset you or hurt the most.... i do the same thing... mine was the moment i confronted him about cheating on me... he laughed in my face and told me he never loved me and that he was never serious about me and a lot of other very hurtful things. but picturing him laughing as he was hurting me so badly... that does it for me every time. i can't stand him now, and that keeps me from going back.

Sara - posted on 09/23/2009

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If you are trying to find the strength to not let him come back, here is the easiest thing to do. Just find that one thing that he has done that made you so angry that you couldn't even see straight and every time he comes back, just remember that thing. It will help, trust me. Because no matter what he says or swears it will be different or he'll help with the baby or whatever, as long as you have that one memory to remind otherwise, you'll be okay. I had to do this with my two boys father and I wish I had done it earlier. They were 4 and 5 when we finally split so they could actually remember the fighting and the horrible parts. You do NOT want that for your child. I know it's kind of scary, doing things on your own, because the unknown is scarier than what you know, even if what you know sucks. Ultimately, it is your call, but if you keep in mind what is best for you and your baby I think you'll be okay.

Rawinia - posted on 09/22/2009

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love yourself - know who you are and feel your own strength. the daddy may come in and out of your life - that is HIS decision, your decision is to love who you are and be all that you can be. Women are awesome, you have a gift growing inside of you, don't let the father take your focus of that. all the very best - you're halfway there already :))

Renee - posted on 09/22/2009

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FOR THE RECORD "JUST CAUSE WE HAVE KIDS BY THEM DON'T MEAN WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THEM."

REMEMBER TO ALWAYS KEEP IT REAL WITH YOURSELF!!!

Renee - posted on 09/22/2009

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Ok.. You said it all, Don't want to bring a baby in this world Fighting it's all ready a hard place to live. I have five kids and I do it by myself. You sound like a strong woman so, don't let this man take it from you. You are all ready doing it alone, your pregnant!! Women are the ROCK of every relationship stay strong and you will know whats best for you and your child!!

I wouldn't keep putting up with him (myself), You all ready have alot of stress just being pregnant. Let him go and show him your a WOMAN!!!!! I WISH YOU THE BEST!!!

Amber - posted on 09/22/2009

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im in the same situation as you. im 35wks pregnant, have been with the father for 10months, and we've been fighting a lot since i got pregnant. plus hes been cheating on me, and for some reason i can't get myself to let him go bcz i love him way too much and i don't wnt our child to see mommy having a different family and daddy having a different family and being confused its whole life like i was when i was growing up. okay we've known ive been pregnant since february, you think the dead beat could havefound a job but apparently not. its rly yr call, if you love him enough to stay with him, try and make it work out for yr child. if you absoultley can't stand him anymore, kick him to the curb honey, i know coming from me the one whos baby daddy is cheating on her, but this is about you not me.

Jennifer - posted on 09/19/2009

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You won't know till you do it!

But if its what you wanna do then now will be easier then later.

My son's father and I had been on and off for 7 years when I got preg. During my preg he got together with someone else, left her and came back to us when he was 3 months old then left again when he was 2. Since then he has had nothing to do with his son. Not seeing him, not having his help, not having my best mate, my son not having a dad, have all been so so hard to deal with. But we are better for it. I know now I can do thins on my own (not that I am completely I have friends and family who are wonderful.) If he hadn't made the decision to leave for good I would have let him keep coming back and forth and it was killing me and god only knows what it was doing to my son.

Being a mom is hard.... but so worth it and not as hard as you think sometimes. I think instinct kicks in :)

Good luck, I hope my story has helped

Valleri - posted on 09/19/2009

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My daughter is 2.5 and I have been in the same situation. I called it quits with him when I was still pregnant...We tried once more when I had her but I couldn't stand him for everything he had already done. Now I feel like my daughter is the one suffering because he is not at all reliable for her. I think what has made me be strong enough to say forget him for real this time is the thought of her being hurt emotionally by him when she is even older. If I could go back and cut him out from the birth I would have. I know it is a lot easier said than done but just think of your baby, if he isn't there for you like he should be (and that's an option)then he more than likely won't be for the baby(which shouldn't be an option.

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