Who's My Daddy?

Ashlie - posted on 06/20/2011

I agree that you are lucky to have it just be the two of you! I've been in a similar situation when my son was a small baby (is only almost 3 now) of not having his dad around and i allowed his dad into his life when he was a little over one needless to say his is a deadbeat dad as i feared, now i have all new questions to answer. I think it is easier to not have a dad around than have one around who is disapointing, so my advice to you is be honest, you don't want your daughter ever thinking it was your fault her dad wasn't around. When and if she starts asking questions tell her the situation that you were in, but only tell her enough information that she can handle at her age. Also never talk bad about her dad in front or to her. Let he make up her own mind when the time comes. I hope this helps!

Nikki - posted on 06/18/2011

I loved Mandy's post. I thought what a great idea as my son is almost five now and is asking me soooo many questions about his father . He remembers his father very clearly even though he has not seen him since he was 2. It pains me to have him ask me questions such as "Mommy, why does my daddy not see me?" and "Does he not like me Momma?" It kills me ...... my son just started t-ball and of course noticed he was the only child on the team without a "Dad" and he asked me "WHy MOMMY?" then when he said "What did I do?" I cried . I told him he has not done anything wrong at all and his Dad works and lives in another state so then he asked me if he could call him so I allowed him to after speaking with his counselor to ensure it was "ok" for him to do so and he knows now his father NEVER answers for him and it's heartbreaking but I always tell him it's not his fault. I never say a bad word about his father to him as I know when he gets older he will realize on his own and I know that will hurt him too. I would tell your child the same thing the counselor told me and that is the truth (age appropriate) to them and always add "it's not your fault" at the end of anything you say to your child. As a mother , I get angry with my husband (we have been parted for years) for ignoring his son but I can't MAKE him speak to him yet I ensure he does not forget he has a son he is hurting on a daily basis but that is just ME. MY choice. I will never understand how a person could be so cold as to ignore their own flesh and blood child, it baffles me . I pray for my son and I pray for your child and all children with Absent father's . God Bless

Aimee - posted on 08/22/2009

Quoting Tawni:

im a single mom to a 2 year old and ive decided that when the time comes im going to tell him that mommy and daddy at one point really loved each other, but daddy wasnt ready for the responsibility and mommy was.

i absolutly agree with this above reply frm tawni... my sons fathers name is on the birth cirt but duznt give two shits bout the beautiful little boy we made together.. i grew up with out a father that wanted nothing to do with me it was hard but i hardly ever thought about it!!! the only time it played on my mind was one christmas my grandpa was trying to help me to urs my surf board and he was so fraile and kepped getting smashed by the waves and all the other girls had there daddies teaching them.. but other than that my mother had more than enought love for me i didnt need that father figure around mum worked two jobs to send me to a private school.. my mum is my hero :) i beliveve that we as women can survive absolutly anything life throws at

good luck ; )

Annmarie - posted on 08/21/2009

i love this idea, i think i will start one myself, it will help answer all the questions

Annmarie - posted on 08/21/2009

sadly you are right there are a lot of us out there. my ex husbands name is sadly on the birth certificate. but he has not seen her since she was 14 months old, she does not remember him and never asks, i am with someone else now and he has accepted her as his daughter, but we have agreed to tell her the truth whens she is old enough to deal with it. my situation was one of violence and abuse and i was happy when he left. does he want any contact with your daughter at all, and if so how do you feel about that. it is a tough situation to be in, but you can only deal with it at the time when it feels right, there is no right time, and to be honest i doubt there is any right way to deal with it and tell her. personally it is one conversation i am dreading, but one that will be dealt with when the time is right. good luck,

Mandy - posted on 08/21/2009

I have read most of the posts and just want to share an idea that is really working for my son!!



THE DADDY BOX!!!

Bascially what it is, is a shoe box my son (aged 2) and i decerated together. In it i have put things about his daddy, photos of his dad, cards his dad sent me (nice ones only!). If u weren't in a relationship with the dad it doesn't matter, you can just write on a peace of card daddys name, what job he was doing when you knew him. How u met. You don't have to lie just put what u know that is postive in it. After doing this (it looked pretty empty) i told my son it was called a daddy box and if he ever wants to talk about dad we can. I put it in his room so he can see it but its not in his face and then left it.



I didn't avoid subject of dad or bring it up. When my son mentioned dad and wanted to we looked through the box even if not much there. My son adds to it now and again. Other children at nursery make cards for their dads at christmas or for fathers dad. If my son ever did this ( i never asked him to) we would put it in the daddy box.



My son doesn't really mention dad much but he knows his name, what he looks like and likes being able to put things in it or look at it when its arround fathers day and there are lots of mention of dad on tv and everywhere. It has been great for my son and can be started at any time.



I hope this helps some of u because it has helped my family sooo much x x x

Kimmy - posted on 08/21/2009

That's a good wa to tell a young kid Chrissy. I might use that when my son gets older and starts to ask about his dad

Chrissy - posted on 08/21/2009

my daughter just turned 4 and im in the same boat. i went back and forth the whole court thing for child support and because he didnt want to pay he signed over his rights.Right now she doesnt ask and i know telling her the truth will hurt her. So i sat and thaught about it and i came up with this.mommy loves you and i'll always be there. Every family is different and your father wasnt ready to be a father when mommy had you.but its ok he loved you the only way he knew how.he's not on her birth certificate and he never was.When she old enough and mature enough she'll probably learn the whole story

Robyn - posted on 08/21/2009

Google for a book about single parent homes. I have one ordered about "where is my dad" or something like that....a childrens book that helps explain this situation....I plan to read it to her when she is older. Good luck! :)

Amanda - posted on 08/20/2009

I am in the same boat and trying to decide if I want to go for support but I don't want to go through all the court stuff...It's hard but I am glad that it is just me and my daughter as well

Amanda - posted on 08/20/2009

im in the same boat my son is 4 months old and his father split the day he found out i was pregnant and i have no idea wht im goin to tell him ive been thinking about this such before i even had him

Carissa - posted on 08/19/2009

My son is now 8 months. and his dad hasnt even came around to see him once. my mom always asks me what i am going to say when he asks me why his dad isn't around like other kid's dads are. Honestly i have no idea. Every time i think about how he is not around i feel so bad, not for me but for my son i wonder if he will ever know his father. But then there other times i am so glad that it is just me and him with the help and support of family. We have a great bond, and best of all i dont have to deal with the drama that also comes along with a "baby daddy".

Cassie - posted on 08/19/2009

Quoting Kelly:

Im going through the same thing my daughters father left when i was 7months pregnant, and there is no name on the birth certificate. my little girl is only 11 months but her older cousins (ages 2 and 4) have asked why she doesnt have a father and i really dont have an answer for them... To me i dont want to tell my daughter the truth about her father cause he isnt such an amazing guy, but i also dont want to lie to her... So i guess all i can tell you is honesty is the best policy...

Honesty is the best however you don't have to tell her everything. You can just tell her that "mommy and daddy didnt get along very well anymore and decided that they wanted to do different things", also the best thing you can do is not talk bad about her dad. She doesnt need to know everything about why you guys aren't together anymore but she also doesn't need to hear bad things about her dad. I've been told over and over again not to talk bad about my daugthers father b/c then she might think that she's got his bad qualities and that she will turn out like him and tat's not what any of us want.  Just think about things that are age appropriate to tell them. As for the cousins that are asking question I would just tell them that you guys don't get along anymore and have decided to go seperate ways. Hope that everything goes well with you and telling the couins and your daughter.

Kelly - posted on 08/19/2009

Im going through the same thing my daughters father left when i was 7months pregnant, and there is no name on the birth certificate. my little girl is only 11 months but her older cousins (ages 2 and 4) have asked why she doesnt have a father and i really dont have an answer for them... To me i dont want to tell my daughter the truth about her father cause he isnt such an amazing guy, but i also dont want to lie to her... So i guess all i can tell you is honesty is the best policy...

Cassie - posted on 08/18/2009

I'm in the same boat that you are my daughter is only 4 months old but she doesnt have a dad either. and to be honest I've thought long and hard about this since i first found out that i was pregnant. my duughters father is not in her life b/c i choose not to have him in her life, he has major anger issues and i don't think that my daughter needs to be around that nor is he a good father to the child he already has so i dnt want him in and out of my daughters life. I have thought about this for a long long time and let me tell you the only thing that I have come is that when she does start to ask about her dad I will tell her in the age apporiate way that her daddy and I did not get along very well and that we decided not to be together before we even knew that she was coming. Also that if she wants to know her dad and she wants to see him when she gets at the age that I feel is approaite i will give her all the information and then she can go from there on what she wants to do.

Sarah - posted on 08/17/2009

Thankyou so much for the help. You've given me some good ideas. I guess the hardest part for me is that to protect myself and baby, I never told her father I was pregnant. I wish I could tell her that long ago mummy and daddy loved each other, but that is not true. And I agree that it is the most important thing to be honest.
Anyway, I am so excited to hear that you guys are out there! I really felt surrounded by conventional families. Thanks again for the posts!
Sarah

Stephanie - posted on 08/17/2009

i am in the same boat. no fathers name. my daughter is now 7 years old and has started to ask more. when she asks who he is, i tell her his name. when she asks where he lives i tell her where he lives.in Va.(we are in germany) when she just now started to ask why he doesnt live with us. i tell her because we dont love each other anymore but i am sure that he will always love you. it is soo age appro. and i am not lying to her. but i surly will not tell her what really happend between us. only answer exactly what she asks. dont make a big thing about it until she has gotten more into it herself. whatever she doesnt know will NOT hurt her

Victoria - posted on 08/17/2009

Quoting Sarah:

Who's My Daddy?

It seems there are a lot of mums out there having troubles with their babies daddies.
I am a young single mum to my almost 8 month old girl. She doesn't have a dad... no name on the birth certificate. I think we are so lucky that it is just the two of us, but I want to know if anyone else is in the same boat. Maybe further down the track? Any advice on what to tell her when she wants to know "who's my daddy?"

I have a non-profit organization that I started entitled "Women of Gideon". This is something that we are dealing with and other issues that single parents deal with. I too am a single parent mother that had to deal with abandonment. My son is now 4 years old. My answer as to letting her know  who her father is: tell her the truth!! She would be mad if you lie to her. Let her know that daddy can't be here right now he has some things that he is trying to deal with. Maybe in the future when he gets himself together he will have the ability to be here, but at this time he cant. This is the honest truth! A man who leaves has some kind of psychological or maturity problem that he has yet to cope with. He doesn't realize that you make a baby take care of it. So for those men you can only pray for them and that is it. You can't try to change them and you cant chase after them thinking they are going to change. You can't focus on she needs a dad. No she needs you the mother. She needs a healed, whole, loving mother. She may hurt a little because dad is not there. But she will hurt a whole lot worse if mommy is there physically but mentally absent. You focus on you getting whole and healed and God will do the rest.

Check out my website: www.womenofgideon.org and tell me what ya think.

Blessings on your life,

Victoria

Kimmy - posted on 08/17/2009

That is a great question I am havin te same problem. My son doesn't have a daddy and I am constanly worried about when he gets older and aske me who his daddy is

Tinisha - posted on 08/17/2009

As unfortunate as it is to have so many of us in the same boat I try to be as honest and age appropriate w/ my son as I can. He is 4 1/2 now. It was funny I had never thought about it before and one night we were at the dinner table and my nephew was over who is 8 and he was talking about his dad and what they had done over the weekend and he asked who my son's dad was and my son out of no where popped up w/ I don't have a daddy just a mommy. Needless to say I was a bit shocked w/ his reaction but I did sit him down later and talk to him. I just told him that yes he does have a dad but his dad doesn't visit like Zay's (my nephew) dad does. I don't really know that he understood the whole gist of it but the question hasn't come up since. As he gets older if he wants to meet his dad I won't stop that. I had the same deal growing up and wasn't given a chance to meet my dad until I was grown and ran into him on accident. I don't want that to happen to my son so when he gets a little older if he wants to meet his dad I will find a way to make that happen if possible. It's definitely not going to be an easy road for any of us, to many questions and not enough answers.

Cristen - posted on 08/16/2009

I'm in the exact same situation! My son is only 2 months old and I'm praying that in the next few years I will find a great husband that will be his real dad, but I'm not going to lie and tell my son thats his biological father. His father "sperm donor" actually went back to Mexico a week before I found out I was pregnant and he does know about my baby but I haven't talked to him since I was about 6 weeks pregnant. I thought about telling him when he's old enough that we didn't know each other long and broke up before I got the chance to tell him I was pregnant, but I don't think it would be right to lie. Soo I'm not exactly sure what I will end up telling him.

Sarah - posted on 08/16/2009

i am in the same life situation. my daughter is 9 now and has ask that question - i told her the truth as best she could handle it at her age. i told her he dosent live near us. i also told her we only knew each other a little while and had decided not to be together before we even knew she was coming. i think that having a dughter in this situation makes it easier than if it were a son.

Tawni - posted on 08/15/2009

im a single mom to a 2 year old and ive decided that when the time comes im going to tell him that mommy and daddy at one point really loved each other, but daddy wasnt ready for the responsibility and mommy was.

Eirini - posted on 08/15/2009

Quoting Cara:

my baby girl is only 3 months and we did the same exact thing hows it working for you
and when you figure out how to tell her about her father please let me know cause i dont wanna lie but i also dont wanna tell the truth

i know you might not want to tell the truth but the time will come when she will need the truth and you dont want her to be upset with you ... dont be afraid to hold back certain information until she is ready for it....but you dont want her to go looking for the information on her own either..she will get so many different stories that way.. you want to be the first person to tell her because you will be the one that has been there for her..and who she trusts and loves...

Eirini - posted on 08/15/2009

i was told that you have to aproach in an age appropriate way...someone I know told their son who the father was just not the situation.."i know you might not want to hear this but I dont think you are ready to know and I will tell you when you get older" my mother kept it from me till I was 13 and i resented her for it..she has told me that another man was my father..(after she got remarried) and I really rebelled..though she was trying to protect me from getting hurt she went about it the wrong way..I think the best way to go about it is let your child understand that they have a father but he is not in the picture even if you have to tell them the name..give out enough info as you feel comfortable with but you also have to be able to comfort your child in the process..and most important thing of all DO NOT down talk the father as tempting as it may seem..trust me I know..I will hurt you in the end esspecially if the child is not ready to hear what you have to say...they might resent you for it...I know this wasnt the best help on how to tell the child exactly..but as your child gets older you will understand what they are able to handle and what they are not...I think as long as you love them and make do the best for your children you will be ok...but if you do come up with answer that better tells you send it my way..lol because I think I might need it as well!!! Good luck

Cara - posted on 08/15/2009

my baby girl is only 3 months and we did the same exact thing hows it working for you

and when you figure out how to tell her about her father please let me know cause i dont wanna lie but i also dont wanna tell the truth

Candice - posted on 08/15/2009

the truth. in a loving and honest and age appropriate way. and yeah...sometimes it would be WAY easier without that dink around. enjoy your daughter :)