Why can't I meet my dad?

Melaura - posted on 12/17/2011

You're going to have to tell him the truth without the goring details .. I have had to talk to my 3 year old a bit about this and I just say Daddy doesn't love Mommy anymore. but I know when she gets older she is going to want to know more. Well I'm prepared to give her the answers she wants. Her father is scum but I'm not going to poison her against him but I won't lie to her. There has to be a happy medium.

Trisha - posted on 07/18/2009

just sit him down and do not going into too much detail and just basely tell him that his daddy not a very nice person to be around and that he gone to hospital (far away frm wherree you live)to get help r that he has a new family sumthing like that

Lora - posted on 07/13/2009

I am in the same situation so at least your not alone. I told my daughter that he wasn't ready to be a father and I make sure she knows that she is not missing anything due to the fact her father is not in the picture. We try to focus on all the people in her life that do love her and that seems to help some.

Dacia - posted on 07/11/2009

I am in the same position, except my child's doner doesnt want our little girl at all. She is only 2 and hasnt started asking?'s yet, but i know she will. It is sad because I don't want to hurt her, but I feel it is best to tell her the truth (to an extent), he is not dangerous, he is actually a nice guy, just not to us. I have decided that my daughter needs to know that when she is older, but what do I say when she is little? I don't want to lie to her and then have to be honest later.

Sarah Lynn - posted on 07/09/2009

That's exactly what I told my then four year old. Now that he's five he's beginning to seperate that his daddy's not a "bad guy" but a person that was too sick to make good decisions. Maybe when he heals (a long time from now) he'll be able to see him. Unfortunately he was old enough to vaguely remember him, so I go through pictures of him and relate stories of the good side of his father.

Summer - posted on 07/08/2009

My daughter is also six. It's a tough age. Not only do they see other kids with their dads, but the other kids ask where her dad is. She tells them "in ____" where we assume he lives, but sometimes they ask her why and she just ignores them. I've told her that he wasn't ready to be a family, but he loves her. She hasn't questioned that yet. I agree with the other poster who said not to let your feelings get involved in what you tell your child. To a kid, that is their dad, so don't just trash talk him.

Candice - posted on 07/08/2009

i suggest keeping your "emotional hate" and the truth separate. age appropriate honesty. find bits and pieces of the truth of why he is dangerous to use as explanations. preferably not anything that will give your kid nightmares, but enough to understand. if he was physically violent, talk to your son about how you teach him not to hit other people but that his daddy never learned that, so he's not safe to be around until he does. (just an example).

Kirsty - posted on 07/05/2009

im wondering the same thing. my son is only 2 but the q's r gonna come 1 day. my x has kids he sees and kids he doesnt. so how do i explain that 2 my son? coz sayin he isnt ready or in a good place 2 be a dad atm isnt right seein as him n his gf hva 4mnth old n he sees his 5yr old every school hols.
my son and another child just dnt exist. he is the scum of the earth n i wouldnt let him near my son ever bcoz hes unstable and not safe but yea i dnt no how im gonna explain any of this 2 my son ever....

Sharon - posted on 07/04/2009

you could say that he is sick that the sickness makes him unsafe for children to be around him that you don't know if he will get better that he might not that you are sorry but that thats the way it has to be. that you love him and that he is lucky to have three uncles and a grandad and a mom of course that some of his friends would love to have those things, find him some single parent family mates so he doesn't feel alone

Patti - posted on 07/02/2009

I have two kids, but fortunatlly only my oldest remmebers thir father. He asks about him a few times a year, usually because he sees all of his friends fathers are around. Their father can't be around them due to substance abuse problems and constantly being in and out of jail. I have explained to my son that his father is not at a good place in his life to be around him right now. I have explained that he is on drugs because my son is old enough to understand what that means. He still asks about him and when will he see him, it is unfortunatly something you are going to have to get use to as I have. As a child they are always going to have the curiosity about who it is and why they cant see them. I have told my son that when he is old enough to understand, I will give him more information. I also told him that when he is older and I will personally take him to meet him if he wants. They will never stop asking till they get answers, it is something you have to live with. Just tell him that he will get the information he is looking as he can understand it. It will be your job to support your child when they are older even if that means introducing him to his father.

Jane - posted on 07/01/2009

Why can't you tell him he's dangerous? It's like talking to strangers or approaching a new dog etc. You can (in the right context) explain anything to kids.. There are always going to be things that your son doesn't want to hear, and that he'll probably get angry over.. but he is only 6. And I honestly think that (if the father is not around whatsoever) you either drop it, and tell him he's too young to understand or explain that he is dangerous and not safe to be around, because he can't make good choices, and you care too much about your son for him to be exposed to that. One thing that I've noticed is that kids of single moms are (typically) more mature and understanding than those who have 2 parents. (general statement..) So you need to figure out the path that his life is going to take.. or if his father is ever going to be around.

Angie - posted on 07/01/2009

Thanks to everyone. He has three uncles who are very involved and also spends at least one day a week with my father, his grandfather. The questions stemmed more from classmates asking about his father. I have coached the teachers on how to help address the issue, but they can't intervene all the time.

Recently I have started addressing the issue by relating it to my adoption. That my bio parents couldn't care for me and gave me to people that could, who he knows as my parents, and also that his dad couldn't care for him and gave him to me. But even after that explanation, he still really wants to meet his father.

I am at my wits end. I can't tell my six year old that his father is dangerous, what can I say?

Jane - posted on 06/30/2009

I don't know what issues you have that endanger your son.. but my son's dad has horrible mental health issues and substance abuse etc. He just recently got out of a mental hospital for being suicidal. SO.. My advice would be just to tell him that his daddy is in a spot in life where he's not ready to be a daddy. (I've been rehearsing this in my mind for when my kids are older but I haven't actually had to use it yet) and it's not that his daddy doesn't love him, but that he just wasn't ready to be a daddy. And I agree with the previous post about doing "boy" stuff. The big brother program is really good (depending on where you live I guess). If you need help finding something like that send me a message and I'd be happy to help!!

Melinda - posted on 06/26/2009

I feel your pain I have a 8yr old daughter and she asks about her donor from time to time. She knows he is (was) in jail and has seen him once just to get a face for her visions. But I will not allow him in her life to keep her from being hurt. When she talks about him i make sure i listen to her questions and answer them approprietly. I never answer her with anger in my tone, but i do give honest answers. I'm hoping when the day comes she does go to meet him she wont go in rebailon and will understand his issues.

Michelle - posted on 06/25/2009

Just keep it simple until your child is able to understand. It's not safe right now to visit your daddy." I don't know when it will be safe. I love you very much. I will always be here for you". Maybe contact Big brother's Big sister's and get them enrolled. Or ask a trusted male to take and do something fun with your child every so often. Such as fishing or camping just boy stuff! Children look for a male figure in their lives. It's natural to expect the dad to fill that roll. Unfortunately some father's can't fill that roll for various reasons.

Shameeka - posted on 06/25/2009

I would love to know too my 7 year old is starting the same thing, and his father is scum of the earth is the nicest way to put it.