Why do father's try to get out of not paying child support?

Shannon - posted on 04/01/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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It has been over 10 years now since I was divorced, and my ex-husband quit his
full-time job to not pay child support. He jumps from job to job, and only pays for
things when he wants to show off to his family or friends...

He skips town everytime he needs to be a responsible
parent and buy school clothes or important things for my son even skips out
on health insurant or important events when my son needs him the most...

It is very sad, my son's father comes from a respectful family with a well off
family who has a large family nursery.. However, he does not want to pay
child support or be there for my son when he needs him the most.

I don't know what to do now, since it is starting to emotionally hurt my son
when he does not show up to school events or even boyscouts. I feel
like giving up on child support all together..

Please share any advice regarding dead beat dads...

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Kristi - posted on 04/17/2013

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My daughter's father literally asked to give up his rights to her directly after losing his ridiculous attempt to get full custody of her and being ordered to pay $500+/mo in child support. I didn't have to tell her, she figured it out all on her own. We were at a counseling appointment and she was afraid she was going to have to go back to his house for visitation, because he was granted liberal visitation (don't get me started) and I told her she didn't have to go back there. When she asked why, I just told her I made a deal. (which I had to do because the judge wouldn't let him sign off even though I said yes) She called me out on it and said, "No you didn't, he doesn't want to pay child support does he?" I just looked at her counselor and she nodded for me to be honest with her. So, I was.

We moved 1500 miles away. Part of the deal was no contact. No way was I going to let him use her like a yo-yo anymore and continue the abuse. She knows it is all on him. She has never been happier and more self confident in her life. When she asks about him, whatever it is, I answer honestly, good or bad. She is excelling. She does gymnastics year around, plays each sport offered seasonally, at school at the same time, so is usually doing 2 sports at a time and maintains a B+ average or better, my rule. She has a great group of friends. My parents have been the absolute biggest blessing and help. They are sponsoring her on an educational tour with 12 selected classmates to Japan and they pay for her to go to camps during the summer. She gets more genuine and sincere love and easily more financial support, from my family over the phone and through cards and quarterly visits than she ever saw or will see from that douche bag in her life.

My point here, and my opinion is, cut the ties that bind. Let the state take care of collecting child support, that's their job, not yours. Like Laura said, it will catch up to him eventually. It isn't fair to you or your son. It's BS but it's the best you can do about it really. Not knowing is what makes it most hard on kids, it makes them insecure and creates more self doubt. Seal the deal...kick his ass the rest of the out (of your lives) and move on. Your son needs to know who and what he count on and believe in. Kids need that kind of foundation and stability. I'm not saying he won't still wonder from time to time why or what if. But, it will be fleeting and you will be able to reassure him much easier and quicker every once in awhile instead of every time there is an actual incidence of dad making a promise and breaking it, over and over. Did that part make sense?

Anyways...something to think about.
Also, Sandra gave some excellent advice or words of wisdom in another thread awhile back, I can't remember it though...do you remember it Sandra? It is the first time we ever had interaction on here and I questioned your idea of a children's book for use with older kids. I think it was in Welcome to Circle of Moms Community...IDK, if you could find that old thread, there was some nice stuff in there.

I wish you and your son the best. I think it's great he's in scouts, hopefully he's got a good leader who will be a positive role model for him. xo

Laura - posted on 04/09/2013

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When your son asks, be truthful....you don't know why he won't be there for his child. Stress that its the dad's problem and responsibility, not your child's and that your child is in NO WAY responsible for what his dad does or doesn't do. And remind him often how much you love him.
If dad owes money, keep a record, open a claim with your local district attorney's office of child support enforcement and stay on it. At one point my ex owed $27,000 in back support (without interest; he didn't pay for 5 years)....I stayed on it and collected every nickel. For years he didn't get a tax return (it came to me), he was on unemployment for a while (25% came to me). In California child support is a nondischargable debt, so even when he filed bankruptcy the child support demand was enforced. He finally wised up and started paying the current amount plus a bit of the arrears....Our younger child was 23 (and 4 years past child suppot age) and the older 27, married and with a baby on the way when it was finally paid.
Exes think very weird thoughts. They seem to think that if they are giving your household money you are spending it on yourself and not the child. But scouts, swim lessons, school trips, clothes, groceries (10 year old boys can eat!) etc add up.
Consider "post-divorce couples counseling" where you can both air your grievances and find resolutions you can both live with...your clergyman or son's pediatrician can help you.

Sandra - posted on 04/03/2013

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Well it is hard for me to use the term "deadbeat dad" seeing as my daughter is a part of that man. So that one I certainly try to avoid. The one thing I know for sure...you can't make someone be something they are not. If it is not in your ex to be a "father" no amount of wishing will make it so. It is so unfortunate for all the children that get left behind wondering why they were not enough to make their "missing parent" stay. This is truly the heartbreak that I endure for my daughter because I think no matter how hard I try I can never truly heal that wound. I did write a childrens book for her that has done a great deal for her, but she goes through little spirts where she asks about her Dad and then quickly moves on. Sometimes I think it is the mothers that hurt the most because we want it to be different for our children, we don't want them to hurt and we would all take the pain gladly if we could make it alright. It sucks...sometimes! I have taken the high road when it comes to my ex, by writing this childrens book from the truest place in my heart. I do believe that there is a God and he hand picked my daughter for me, and I for her. I believe that her father was the vehicle through which this miracle arrived in my life, and if it were not for him it would have never happened. Our book explains that there are all different kinds of families, but the family you have is perfect for you. For my daughter I continue to reiterate that message and telling her constantly that God hand picked her espicially for me. In some ways I believe I am lucky that my daughters father totally withdrew because it seems even worse for the children that have that "off again, on again Dad". Perhaps you should order my book for your ex and let him see that children are broken hearted when their Dad fails to be a part of their life...but then again...maybe a book geared at a four to nine year old age level ...might be to sophisticated for him. LOL... Sorry this has been your experience and wish I could give you more advice. My book uses the metaphor of a giraffe being lost, and not being able to find its way back. Your ex is like that, if he cannot see the benefit of being a Dad to his child...he truly is lost. I hope things work out for you and your son. Feel free to look at our website at www.abovethetrees.ca
God Bless and I truly hope your son heals quickly from these hurts!!!
Love
Sandra

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