Anyone's hubbys/partners seem to not care that you lost a baby?

Krystal - posted on 11/25/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I think about my first baby whom i miscarried at 13 weeks all the time. I mentioned to hubby tonight if he ever thought about our first baby and he goes "What baby? Oh the first one. Nup". Is that weird? It hurts me to think he has just forgotten about him/her when it affects me still. I realise i carried the baby but still???

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Brittany - posted on 10/05/2010

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I never asked my husband, but every time I would bring it up or have a bad day because I was thinking about it he would get mad at me- he'd say "there's nothing you could have done & it's over with" and it would just upset me even more because it seemed like he didn't care. But one night he ended up telling me that it does hurt him, a LOT, he just hates to see me upset so he wasn't showing that it upset him too. And like you said, I think it's a little harder for the woman, too, because you're the one carrying the baby and you have a bond & connection as soon as you find out that no one can describe and that Daddy will never have.
Keep your chin up ♥

User - posted on 08/18/2010

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i think men have a different way of getting through things then we have. i am sure he thinks about it more than he leads on.sometimes i feel that my husband never felt pain when our daughter passed because i never seen him show emotions over it but when we talked to someone about it he said he felt he had to be strong because i didnt handle it very well

Candy - posted on 05/26/2010

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I have to agree with men greive differently then women. I also read on pregnancy.org that most men dont consider the fetus a baby til later like when you find out what you are having and picking out names and such. I was 5 1/2 weeks when i misscarried and I was soo devistated but my husband was just like dont worry baby dont cry. And didnt really show he was grieving. He did leave me a few times in the hospital to smoke and I do bet he was grieving then but just wanted to be strong for me. We did get pregnant a few weeks afterwards as I did accept it and just think of our little Leo in heaven with my daddy but someone got me to think about Leo the other day and I was sad. My goofy husband just tired to cheer me up just the same. I dont think the lost of a child is something us women ever forget about or anything. I know Leo will always have a place in my heart along with all my other children born and still yet to be born.

Michelle - posted on 05/17/2010

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When you look at different situations at hand, men do seem completely wired differently than women emotionally. Many do the out of sight , out of mind thought . I think deep down they still carry the sadness, but are taught at an early age to hide their feelings .

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2010

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Hi! I think that it is a little weird but most guys dont want to show their true feelings so maybe he is acting like he "forgot" but honestly i dont think he has forgot, I mean i miscarried at 4 1/2 months and i will never forget and the father of my "angel baby" always thinks about him, we are not together but anytime anyone talks to him he says something about our baby. so i truly dont think your husband has forgot i think its his way of dealing with it without having to talk about it if that makes sense.

Kim - posted on 01/29/2010

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I've had quite a few miscarriages and I did talk to my Husband about how he felt about it. While he felt bad, he felt that there was nothing he could do about it so he moved on to what to do next. With us it was to try again as our Dr suggested. A few wks ago was the 5th anniversary of our twins miscarriage and I brought them up and he said What twins :( I also think that they don't dwell on it like we do, it was our body, we carried them, we went thru the actual loss. and I wonder if they don't bring it up because they don't want to remind us and make us sad, just like I don't bring it up a lot because I dont' want to make him sad.

Amanda - posted on 01/22/2010

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It took my husband almost 6 years to talk to me about our baby. My BIL and SIL lost one and I guess it just hit him! He said to me he was sorry for it, and he wished it had been. We got pregnant so quickly after, at my two week post-m/c app. my doc told us I was pregnant again! We were shocked and I guess we really didn't take time to grieve. He told me, after we found out about their baby, that he believed our baby was a twin and we just lost one of them instead of it being a full m/c. I was so shocked he spoke about it after all these years. I think men just take longer and a different approch to grief. Just give him time. Praying for you!

Jocelyn - posted on 01/20/2010

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As the others have said, men do grieve very differently from women. Some fathers bond with their children as soon as they find out their partners are pregnant, but some do not. My husband grieved for a while after our daughter was born at 24 weeks and died a week later; he had to watch her go downhill just like I did, and I had never seen him cry before. It's been 5 years, though, and we are now on totally different pages when it comes to our grief. I have the feeling he's buried some of his and it will come out someday. But please know you're not alone in this. Someday maybe you will know if he's just trying to be strong or if he just never really bonded within the 13 weeks. As for you, you have the right to grieve any way you want to...look to us other moms for support. (((HUGS)))

Karie - posted on 01/14/2010

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Maybe he just tries not to let himself think about it to make things easier for him. But, I bet from time to time he does, it's just not something he likes to keep in mind long.

Heather - posted on 01/06/2010

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Men grieve differently than women. They think that they have to be strong for us, I know its hard, but try not to let it bother you.

Regina - posted on 12/16/2009

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Dont be discouraged..Men dont greive like we dont and they dont seem to carry things with them for long periods of time.. He will never remember like you, becuase for him it was a promise of something that just didnt pan out. Us on the other hand grew that life inside of us for no matter how long it was. We cherished that baby as if we held it in our arms every day.. I am sure that it affected him but that is what makes it so hard for us.. We carry it with ourselves all of our lives remembering all the time the baby we once had...

Amie - posted on 12/15/2009

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Our baby Darcie was stillborn at 29 weeks and as tough as it is for me i swear my husband took it harder, he has really struggled and visiting her grave or mention of her he find upsetting, people grieve in very different ways

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I felt the same way for a long time...then I just asked him. He started crying. I think men feel they have to be the strong one in this situation for the fact that we do carry the baby(ies). And, experience a physical as well as an emotional loss. Don't let him fool you...his heart is breaking as well. ~With Love & Blessings, Lena

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