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Recently lost my son

Katrina - posted on 08/18/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I have two girls ages 8 and 9 but I have always wanted a little boy, though after my second daughter I was told any more kids would be unlikely because of a medical mistake and an emergency Cesarean. I got pregnant again in May and I felt that this would be my miracle baby. I had miscarried 4 time previously, but only once where I was past 3-4 weeks and I was 8 weeks with that one, but not as attached. Everything was going great, baby's heart beat was great at the three month check-up and he was perfect and healthy. At the four month check-up Aug. 13, Friday at 330 the Dr. couldn't get a heart beat so she did an ultrasound and still nothing so she ordered a normal ultrasound for me and I could see the techs lips lip and her face become grave and worried. I saw that I was having a boy and became excited, but wary of the results. After my Dr.s last patient left she brought me back an broke the news that my baby's heart had stopped. She could see no reason why and everything else looked okay, but I would still have to give birth because my cervix was soft, but not dilating and my body was clinging to that little body. I felt shocked, here I had finally had my son and he was...dead. Just like that here and then gone. I screamed inside and yelled at God blaming him and saying awful things to him and the next day I entered the hospital to begin the process of being induced, the next morning, Sunday the 15 at 7:35 my son was born and I held him, tears streaming down my face. His body was so tiny and soft, his bones hadn't completely hardened and I was afraid I would hurt him, after four months he fit into the palm of my hand. I stroke his soft head and pressed a kiss to it and gave him over to be autopsied to see what had happened. I was numb, and dead inside. Its been 3 days and I only want to numb myself with alcohol, pretend its a bad dream and al the while I'm slowly losing it inside, I feel empty, like a piece of me is missing and it hit me that I had a son, a SON, but I would never see him take his first step, never hear him say his first word, never hear him say I love you Mommy and I am beginning to fall apart, to lose myself to the depression. I don't know what to do or where to turn and I feel lost and terrified. I am trying to be strong, but I just can't be and I feel like nothing will ever be okay again. PLEASE, someone, anyone, please help me. I can barely function and I can't eat or sleep, I have nightmares and my body is exhausted and I hurt so bad inside its ripping me apart. I need help, and I don't knwo where to turn, PLease please someone Help me! I miss my son so much and I am so messed up inside, nothing will ever be the same again. I can seem to cry and haven't on teh outside since I left the hospital and I just feel numb, dead, and the pain is so intense I want to scream and rip my own heart out so it stops, if anyone can help me, please please do...I am begging here, I don't knwo what else to do...

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3 Comments

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Liz - posted on 09/14/2010

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Hi my name is liz and I lost my son kayden on March 19,2010. I am sorry to here about what happen. Everything your feeling i went through and i didn't know what to do or who to turn to. There are days where I miss my son so much that i don't know how to function. I am here for you if you need someone. I know its the hardest to go through but i know that in time it will get easier. But i am here if you need someone to lean on.

Larissa - posted on 08/30/2010

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hi katrina, my name is larissa.
i am very sorry to hear about your loss and i know hearing those words aren't easy after all right now you feel so alone like no one understands. i know this because i was 5 moths pregnant with my son ellis, i went for my 20 week scan i was so happy to find out what the sex was but this day was to be the worst day of my live. as i went in for the scan i got asked if it was just me and my partner but my mother was in the waiting room as soon as i saw the look on herr face i new it was bad news. Ellis's heartbeat had stopped all i could do was scream n cry. i know how u must be feeling. i had to go home for two days knowin my little boy was dead inside me then i went back to the hospital and ellis was born on 9/04/10. like your little boy ellis was tiny and his bones haddent hardened yet, i stayed with him all night and didnt want to leave him. me and my partner decided to get him blessed by the hospitals chapel but at the time it was of no comfort. i also want to scream and pull my own heart out and i still do it is the hardest thing ever. i also wanted to know why ellis died so he was sent off for an autopsie. when the results of the autopsie came bak it was good news but also bad...... the doctors couldnt find any cause of dealth in me or ellis. i suppose its good as i havent anything wrong with me but its bad cuz ill always want to kno why. Ellis was my first child and i miss him every day he is now buried in a lovely crematorium and me and his father have done it all nice with a little brown fence and litlle bits and bobs. i am here if you ever want to talk and i hope i have been of some use. xx you can add me on facebook for a more private chat about our two lovely gorgeous boys xxxx

Tracey - posted on 08/20/2010

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first im so sorry for you and youre family lossing you wee boy and youre girls lossing there brother i lost my beautiful daughter 21st of august 2008 like youre little angel her heart just stopped i was 37 weeks she was like the little girl i had longed for as i have a beautiful 6 year old son so i felt my family was complete like you i had to give birth it was awful knowing that i knew she be born dead i too went down the road of drinking not sleeping but looking at my little boy got me through he didnt know what had happened to his much wanted sister we been trying for a long time before i got pregnant all i can say to you its not going to a easy ride but you have to get up and keep active go for a walk it helps and talk to youre nearest and dearest dont bottle it up the pain dose ease my little girl would be 2 torromow and i celebrating her life and there is light at the end of tunnel we found out last year 3months after lossing her i was pregnant i was worried the whole time but i give birth to a beautiful little girl in august last year so please but the bottle away youre little boy wouldnt want his mummy been this way as i do hope you try again when youre ready as i think we are very luckly we have our wee angels looking after us from up in heavan i hope this helps you god bless

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