Katrina - posted on 08/18/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )
I have two girls ages 8 and 9 but I have always wanted a little boy, though after my second daughter I was told any more kids would be unlikely because of a medical mistake and an emergency Cesarean. I got pregnant again in May and I felt that this would be my miracle baby. I had miscarried 4 time previously, but only once where I was past 3-4 weeks and I was 8 weeks with that one, but not as attached. Everything was going great, baby's heart beat was great at the three month check-up and he was perfect and healthy. At the four month check-up Aug. 13, Friday at 330 the Dr. couldn't get a heart beat so she did an ultrasound and still nothing so she ordered a normal ultrasound for me and I could see the techs lips lip and her face become grave and worried. I saw that I was having a boy and became excited, but wary of the results. After my Dr.s last patient left she brought me back an broke the news that my baby's heart had stopped. She could see no reason why and everything else looked okay, but I would still have to give birth because my cervix was soft, but not dilating and my body was clinging to that little body. I felt shocked, here I had finally had my son and he was...dead. Just like that here and then gone. I screamed inside and yelled at God blaming him and saying awful things to him and the next day I entered the hospital to begin the process of being induced, the next morning, Sunday the 15 at 7:35 my son was born and I held him, tears streaming down my face. His body was so tiny and soft, his bones hadn't completely hardened and I was afraid I would hurt him, after four months he fit into the palm of my hand. I stroke his soft head and pressed a kiss to it and gave him over to be autopsied to see what had happened. I was numb, and dead inside. Its been 3 days and I only want to numb myself with alcohol, pretend its a bad dream and al the while I'm slowly losing it inside, I feel empty, like a piece of me is missing and it hit me that I had a son, a SON, but I would never see him take his first step, never hear him say his first word, never hear him say I love you Mommy and I am beginning to fall apart, to lose myself to the depression. I don't know what to do or where to turn and I feel lost and terrified. I am trying to be strong, but I just can't be and I feel like nothing will ever be okay again. PLEASE, someone, anyone, please help me. I can barely function and I can't eat or sleep, I have nightmares and my body is exhausted and I hurt so bad inside its ripping me apart. I need help, and I don't knwo where to turn, PLease please someone Help me! I miss my son so much and I am so messed up inside, nothing will ever be the same again. I can seem to cry and haven't on teh outside since I left the hospital and I just feel numb, dead, and the pain is so intense I want to scream and rip my own heart out so it stops, if anyone can help me, please please do...I am begging here, I don't knwo what else to do...