Does anyone have any adopted children? Questions are starting to arise and I am starting to panic.

Samantha - posted on 08/28/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

6

22

1

My son is adopted. I got him when he was 4 months old and met my now husband when he was 6 months old so he has never known any different. He is starting to ask a lot of questions. He is the oldest grandchild on my husbands side but my nephew was born before I was introduced to my husbands family so some comments have slipped out about Jake (my nephew) being the first born grandchild but my son knows he is the oldest (not good). Then he has the lovely realization that me, my husband and my daughter(bio) all have blonde hair and blue eyes and my son has brown hair and brown eyes and is half hispanic. He has been going around making a big deal about the fact that he is "mexican". Here's the kicker....my son is biologically my nephew. This will be good in the sense that he won't have to hunt down his herritage but bad in the sense that I have all the answers to the questions I am so dreading. My sister was/is a drug addict and I will have nothing to do with her but what happens when he's old enough and wants to meet her. I have bought all kinds of books on talking with children about adoption but nothing prepares you and I need to have "the talk" soon. Can anyone relate, has anyone been down this road (or is going down right now). Support is the key!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

6 Comments

View replies by

Shawn - posted on 02/27/2010

26

13

0

I have not had the joy of adopting a child (we are starting the beginning stages of a home study) but I do have 4 bio children (ages 4 thru 14). Your sons questions are probably not the same as the "hard questions" I've definitely had to answer from my kids, but I vowed when my oldest was born that I would never lie to my children. I never give more info than they can handle at their age level, but I always answer the question with answers they understand and that are completely true...and sometimes there are 15 more questions about the same subject right after that, but you just do your best. Sometimes your best is not very helpful at the moment and that happens, but you won't always "know". I think you have to just take baby steps and reveal a little info at a time...it probably will be hard for you to explain and for him to accept or understand but I think (after personally spending a lot of years being kept in the dark about a lot of things in life) that most of all, answer the questions and always tell him the truth. So far it has worked for my family. When I don't know how to explain something, I give it to my husband and vice versa. Also, there's nothing wrong with letting your son know that you aren't sure about an answer to his question but will think about it and tell him what you've come up with soon/at dinner/at bed time/after you talk to grandma, etc. I've learned to really accept that I am not going to have all of the answers a lot of the time and may have to admit that to my kid(s). I've joked with other adults that my oldest might have the most issues of all of the kids b/c she was my first experiment and I can only get better with each one...not funny to some, but it really is true even if I don't want it to be.

As for your in-laws - there is nothing you can do about them folk - if they say something stupid, and your little boy asks about their statement (even in front of them) you should try your hardest to be honest and explain to him what you think he can understand...I dunno, I can't imagine what you're going through b/c I know how hard people can make life when they aren't sensitive to your "blended" family...been there, done that. You won't always be the one with the answers but know that you are one of trillions over thousands of years trying to figure out the best way for your kid...most of us just throw something out there and hope it works...especially for "firsts". God bless and good luck!!

Ruth - posted on 02/26/2010

1

34

0

I wish i could help you cuz when i was 19 i had a son and gave him up so he would have a better lifecuz i felt i was to young and was'nt ready.well in 2009 i found him and it's hard on me cuz i want more but it's strange for him we talk on the computer and phone sometimes.i have 2 grandchildren,the only thing is i have to wait til i have some time to go meet them in person cuz he lives in another state then me.the only thing i is the love you have for him will out weigh anything when he gets older.your friend ruth

Wendy - posted on 11/11/2009

1

27

0

I am adopted and I believe the truth is good! The younger they are when you tell them the better. That way they won't feel betrayed or lied to......I don't know why everyone thinks things about someone you love should be kept a sercet. They deserve to know the truth AND you will no longer carry any guilt about keeping it a secret.

Denise - posted on 10/03/2009

2

19

1

This is how I've always felt, but feeling the opposite of how my husband feels is nothing new. We're totally different people.Thanks for the insight. I sincerely hope that you resolve your issue with your child.

[deleted account]

I am adopted and my parents were always very open with me about my story and I believe it was the best thing to do. Sure I felt bad that my biological mom didn't want me but to have an adoptive family that loved me with all the heart and soul made up for that. I have friends who didn't find out the truth of things until later and they always resented being lied to. Your child is going to want to know his story, no matter how hard it might be for you to tell it. You can skip over some of the details until you feel he is old enough to handle it, but the key is to be open and honest with his questions so he doesn't feel like he should be ashamed of how he came into the world.

Denise - posted on 10/02/2009

2

19

1

My son is my husband's biological child, and I adopted him when he was 2. His mother isn't a drug addict, but she is very manipulative, and she handed my son to my husband the minute they left the hospital. He's 12 now, and my husband won't let me decide when to tell him (I figure the sooner the better so that it's just a natural part of his life) because my husband is the one who has to tell him why his mom didn't want him. So I can relate a tiny bit with your situation. How old is your son now?

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms