recently had a meltdown that lead to husband being home more

Yvonne - posted on 11/11/2008 ( 18 moms have responded )

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its not the method id choose to go about it. lol. i kinda cracked under all the pressure. anyone ever go though this? i just couldnt do it all on my own anymore. it was all just too much. he changed company locations and took a smaller rig. he'll be gone but not every day but 4-7 a month. i have an almost 2 & 3 year old with no family support and im a stay at home mom. in 3 years i had never had 1 afternoon to myself. when he took the job we thought he'd be out of state/area a week a month. but soon it was every day. 3 years and 2 kids later i felt like a single mom who happen to be able to stay home.

i went though my pregnancy with my son without him. i was on bedrest for almost 3 months, had pre-e, went into early labor, had my daughter who couldnt walk yet, i had kidney stones, one blew out my kidney and i had to go under to get a stint, was on pain killers, and had to go to the dr every 2 weeks. and had no support. maybe thats when it all started being too much. but 2 years later i was literally pulling out my hair. sounds mental right? but i twirl my hair, when stressed i guess. i was exausted all day and he loved his job. the respect, responsibility, the return customers just because of him, etc.

the original job lead to opportunities, he moved up fast. he's 25 and a pusher. made enough money that we could live comfortably but to me it wasnt worth it. after i had the brake down he took a 1/3 pay cut. we're making it work and even though i only see him in the late evenings its way better then never. of course there are drawbacks. he's used to hotel rooms being cleaned daily and perfect, and eating out, and such. so not me. lmao. that will take some time to figure out.

i just feel completely guilty that he had to change locations because i couldnt handle it all. but i couldnt. kids arent hard. its not labor work like his job. heck im on the computer right now! but over time the stress of them just became too much. is there anyone else who has been though this? i just dont want him to resent me for all this.

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Sabrina - posted on 04/18/2009

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i know how this goes! i felt selfish until i found this group. my daughter has been very sick lately and i have been put on bedrest practially with my pregnancy. my doctor told me "dont lift anything over 15lbs and dont stress about anything" HAHAHA all i could do is laugh at him and the very idea. jacob (my husband) is gone all the time and im just going to have to repeat some of what everyone else has said, family and remembering to take time for yourself is key. everyone needs help from time to time and it doesnt make you a bad mom because you need help. its hard and its tough thats why god gave mothering to women cause we can handle it lol. just breath and when he comes home make him do everything lol.

Brandy - posted on 04/17/2009

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i don't know you

but I will pray for you and your family if that is ok with you

Bronwen - posted on 03/23/2009

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All I can say is family, family, family, My mum is my rock and my brother is my pressure valve. I think if I didn't live near them I would fly them to me or go see them... for an extended period of time. Sometimes removing yourself from the front lines puts everything in perspective and gives you strength. And Angela you please read your own words and find that woman in them, I can see her and she's probably pissed that you're drinking away your pain!

[deleted account]

Yvonne,

I have a 3 year old and a 1 1/2 yr old. I see my husband for 12 minutes a ay. At first he had to be gone and work a lot so we can make ends meet with me stayinhg home but now it feels he doesn't even want to be home anymore. Sometimes he stays out at night and says: " I figured you were tired and fell asleep early so what's the point of me being home when no one is awake." Well if I ha any help through the day with the kids and the house I would'n be dead tired and pass out at 9:30....But when I want to ask him for help I figure he works hard enough and I'm home all day so the house should be my responsibilty...I used to be a world traveler, a professional woman, an adventurist, an athlete and people who knew me considered me to be "solid as a rock" and "so unperturbed". I am now 40 lbs overweight, deeply depressed, have nightmares every night about the house burning down because I was too tired and fell asleep and the heater blew out....Nightmares about something happening to the kids...It is a true effort to even put on makeup or wash my hair and when I do, my husband is insinuating I'm going out to see someone. I love my two boys more than anything but sometimes I wonder if it was worth giving up everything I loved and losing myself. I will be no good as a parent either because I started drinking to cope. Just like you, I blame myself and think that I should be able to handle this and try to be unerstaning and empathetic...and then have another beer just to survive another day with a screaming, picky toddler or a sick, vomiting baby.

Nancy - posted on 03/04/2009

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I'm right there with you, I work, take care of a 10 year old & haven't seen my husband in 5 weeks. He's always moving from site to site & job to job in Alberta & I'm all the way back here in Ontario. As for a clean house...what's that, are they those things you see in magazines & furniture ads? LOL



I miss him terribly, but you just have to keep a chin up, it ain't easy, but small projects often take my mind off the lonliness; I'm 3/4 the way done re-doing my kitchen all by myself, though it has been a 3 month project! One cabinet door at a time after my son's in bed for the night.



When we married, he worked shift work in the area at one mill & got laid off, worked at the next mill & got laid off again. The oilfields seem to be the only place he can get employment, though he keeps getting layoffs there but is able to pick up at another site fairly quickly. He's a good man, he's doing what he needs to to keep our chins above water & food on the table.



I don't fare well with him being away all the time, but I'm fighting to keep up my end of the bargain, if he can endure being away from us, I can endure what life here has to throw at me.



It sucks, but he & my son are worth it.

Tammy - posted on 02/19/2009

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Reading this post makes me go to tears...YES!!! I relate!!! OMG!!! Heck, I'm still going through this. I had a very serious pnemonia...the docs wanted to hospitalize me....I just told them they had to mend me because I had absolutely NOBODY to help me with my girls. Then, when my husband would return, he'd be really mad at me because the house was a mess. I told him I couldn't physically clean the house because I was so sick. Then, I hired a house keeper to clean my house once a week and my hubby flipped out. I also work full-time out of the home so it would be nice having some help around the house.

At the moment, my husband is home almost every night but we only see him maybe 5 minutes in a day. My girls are very used of him not being home. He works 14-16 hours a day.....24 days in a row, 3 or 4 days off and then back at it.

It really sucks. I hate being a single parent. We didn't ask for this!!!!! It wasn't in my agreeement when I got married. I can totally understand having a breakdown because I was/am close to it sometimes. We can only do so much by ourselves!!!! You're not alone!!!

Terri - posted on 02/19/2009

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I completely feel for you! My man thinks that raising his 7 year daughter and me being pregnant for the first time is a breeze. I have a 7 year old who refuses to go to bed without daddy tucking her in and she is completely p.o.'d that I'm pregnant and she won't be the complete center of attraction all the time. Shaun was working 2 weeks out 1 week home until a few months ago when I just said enough is enough I need help at home. My pregnancy was unexpected but then again so was getting a 7 year old dropped on my doorstep when I work shiftwork and my boss was not too happy about me taking a family leave for the kids. Now Shaun's home all the time because his rig has been shut down for 4 weeks and I've been off work for 9 weeks and I'm still waiting for EI. We have no money but at least we all have each other.



 

Yvonne - posted on 02/17/2009

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hunting and fishing? he'd love my man. lol. he's the same way sometimes. ive realized that he needs his time away from both work and us. but that came after he figured out that i didnt have any time for just me. once i told him that (and had to get on meds, meaning i must be serious lol) enough he's finely seen it. now, i have to remind but im okay with that. i never did that before because felt guilty for leaving him with the kids. then i realized they are his kids too. lol. and it could be good for him - maybe he'd get it more. lol.

you are right, we dont get days off. weekends off. nights off. sick days off. vacations (cause well we are the caretakers on vacation). oh and no holidays. lol. it is easy to forget sometimes.


sometimes during the crazyness of the day, during the fits, the coloring on walls and window screens, nights of puke, the daily morning poppie diaper on my son's floor no matter what he wears to bed, and the list of to dos (and i want one more) i had forgotten what a good guy i landed. and now that he came home for me i totally see that he is a wonderful man and really he has always been. he's always gone the extra mile, i remember when he was 16 and every morning would pick me up at 6am for practice because no one would take me. it's not daily but enough for me to know that i'm lucky. honestly i took all the things he's done for me for granted until recently and wonder why he let me get away with it. but im not about to ask and let him know i was, what if he hadn't noticed....haha

he does like to escape the stress of home and it frustrates me too. but now that he lets me too i kinda dont feel so bothered by it. also, i have found that the dynamics of our relationship have changed these days. i didnt really show him the appreciation for what he did for me and the kids. he has worked weekends and holidays and months away in elements i wouldnt go into and working more physically than i would and taking risks id never take in order to give me a life i never experienced as a kid nor knew id have as an adult. once i realized i started working on changing that, its still a work in progress but i can see it has changed how he interacts with me. things seem to be easier. though my meds def help me put up with him sometimes. lol. he'll never be perfect but i'll just keep working on accepting that and keeping him in line. lol. after all he's come a long way in 10 years.

anyways, just thought id reply and post a bit of an update. ive really been trying to work on things. perspective. me. him. the kids. the things that are important and not letting those that arent get in the way. maybe one day i'll get there. cross your fingers for me. k? lol.

Emily - posted on 02/17/2009

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I completely know where you are coming from. I think it's only normal to finally come to the conclusion that enough is enough. I know we go through periods where my husband thinks that his days off are strictly for him and him only. He'll go hunting and fishing and "play" all of his days off. Sometimes they need a little reality check. WE DON'T GET DAYS OFF, we don't get an hour off.haha. I'm glad that your husband was willing to take the cut and help you out. That speaks volumes. My husband will start helping out some after I have a melt down and then a few months later he will be doing the same things they made me melt down to begin with. there are a lot of men who would run away from the stress of home, but it's so good for you that yours is really stepping in and helping you. Good luck with everything.

Cindy - posted on 01/11/2009

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You are kind. I get that often. People  think that my daughter and I are sisters or best friends and it makes her mad but makes me feel good. I also have had many anxiety attacks. I took meds for a long time for it and alot of it was the overload I was experiencing from having my youngest chlld and feeling like I was doing everything by myself. When I had him my husband left to go back to work two days later. I was overwhelmed. Within two months I was on anxiety medicine. It did help alot. I don't take it anymore but sometimes I think I need it again with these teenagers. I'm glad you are feeling better. Everything will work out in the end. Take care!!!!!

Yvonne - posted on 01/11/2009

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my husband loves what he does. loves it. funny cause id hate it. lol. but you are so right. he really has been a great help these days. it turns out i have an anxiety disorder, kinda always have id guess but just never knew, and was clinically depressed. i got on some meds soon after he came home because he recognized i wasnt myself and i agreed. im now no longer depressed though im still dealing with my anxiety. we're working on that and i hope to have that taken care of soon. its amazing what having him home more has done to my feeling of the load i was caring. your words are comforting and i really apreciate them. you, however, dont look old enough to have a 17 or 15 year old. lol. thank you so very much cindy.

Cindy - posted on 01/10/2009

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I can completely understand what you are going through. I have 4 children and my oldest is 17, 15, and 7. I have been living this life for 12 years since my husband and I married. It is hard to do it all on your own. It is almost like you have to be the mom and the dad. I find that the month my husband is gone everything goes wrong, like sick children, broken things in the house that need fixing, etc. Being a full time mom is more work and stress than any toolpusher job. My husband agrees too. He had to keep them alone for 4 days last year and about ppulled his hair out. Just try and hang in there. If your husband is like mine this is the only profession he knows and does well. If he had to take anything else would mean we would be in financial trouble. I am sure your husband will understand your feelings and try and make things easier on you. If it means a cut in pay then so be it, I am sure I would take less money for less stress. That is what marriage is all about helping each other in hard times. I hope things get less stressful for you. It will be better once the kids get a little older too. They will get used to him being gone and they be more mature too and not hassle you so much. Just stay strong and hand it over to God he will help you take care of yourself and everyone else.

Lori - posted on 11/16/2008

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Hello Yvonne, Just wanna add..how amazing you are!! As women we try to do & be it all. You should be very proud of yourself because at the end of the day it is about what is right for you & your family. Let go of your guilt & feelings of being inadequate. Don't feel judged by anyone but most important don't judge yourself. Us women are good at picking up all that stuff too. If you get to the heart of what makes you- a husband & wife & good parents you'll find yourselves on the same page. I think you rock!!

Best of luck, Lori

Yvonne - posted on 11/14/2008

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jenifer you are right. it does say a lot. i just have to keep telling myself that i guess.

keely, i do pick up every day. its constant. with them being almost 2 & 3 they feed themselves and they are so messy, then there's toys, torn up paper because they love that, before lunch i have to vacume every day. it gets that bad. i keep doors closed, gates up, etc. lol. it just is what it is.

we're actually okay with money. we were saving money every month. so now, we either have little to save or just use all the money he makes. we havent had a problem yet. thank goodness. living on less than we make has made that transition easier than it could have been. i think in american its rare, but he's just really good with money, i have some ways to go though. :D

Keely - posted on 11/13/2008

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I understand! I didnt go through what you have, but it was the rigs that broke up me and my now husband back when we were dating. He now works for kimzey casing and is COMPLETELY on call. So sometimes he is home for a few days and others i never see him. And even when he is, he is so tired that i dont get any help with our 3month old son.

Dont feel bad for asking for more time with him or for asking for help. FAMILY COMES FIRST. So you have to eat at home more or pack some food for the road and doesnt get a hotel as nice. If it means keeping the family together and happy that is what matters the most. There are ways of making the money last longer. And as far as the household things go, do a little each day and soon it wont be such a daunting task. Make picking up the house a daily chore and the house wont be as messy even if the floors are vacuumed. What matters most is that you are there daily for your children. That is what they will remember most.

Jennifer - posted on 11/13/2008

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I know exactly how you feel... My hubby and I have just recently gone through basically the same situation... he's home more now with less money coming in.. but our son and his other two children come before any money. It took me going on anti-depressants and basically melting down and losing it to make it change but he was willing. My suggestion to you is to find ways to make the money last longer, be thrifty... I do and the fact that he's bringing in basically 1/2 of what he used to doesn't seem to be as big of an issue now. As long as you two figure it out together and talk, it'll all work out... just remember that you're not a single mother and that he was willing to change all of that to help you cope... I think that says a lot about him.

Yvonne - posted on 11/12/2008

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thanks. i hate admitting im not able to be a good mom without help. and i hate that he had to put aside his ambitions because of me. im grateful, i am, but i cant help but feel judged every time i turn around now. how the kids behave, or how messy house seems to get no matter what, etc. like i should be doing better than i am now that he is home. maybe im reading more into it. idk. i just think sometimes he'd rather be away. so on top of guilt i feel inadequate.

i wish my dh's company had that kid of stuff. that would be nice. it wouldnt have helped when he was at the other yard since it was almost 4 hrs away but now that the yard is kinda local. and there is no local mommys group that i know of.

i dont know how to get on the same page with him now. hes great with the kids. helps out sometimes around the house, like cooking dinner, but its not like it was before he left. though now we have kids, im not working, and we've spent most of the last 3 years living different lives. i dont know what i expected. i just wish he's open up to me. i really miss that.

Rebecca - posted on 11/11/2008

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Hi Yvonne,



Hang in there! From what you are describing, I think most people would be pulling out their hair! Being as ill as you were in your 2nd pregnancy, it's no wonder, and having to manage it all yourself!!



We have had similar issues with the long hours/little support/house not clean thing. We had to make a choice, too, and we still work on it every day! Becasue it does get to be too much sometimes. So we got help (montessori school) 3 days a week with our son (also almost 2)so I could have some time for myself, even if it's just catching up on errands... It helped a lot!



I think communicating with eachother is the best way. You are both young and have a long life ahead--your husband can have many good years in his career. Lots of time to work hard and make money. We had to put some things on hold for a few years while our son is still small because I can't be a married single mom and do it alone. I really need help from my husband and want him to be a part of our son's life. It was too much for me to do alone, too. It's still a challenge, but now hw does bathtime in the evenings, which helps a lot.



My husband's company has a spouse's association, they help with playgroup, getting settled in a relocation, and social events, especally in some of the international assignments. If your husband's does, too, it might be helpful for you. If not, a mommy's group?



If you are worried about him resenting you, I think talking it out until you are both on the same page about the level of support you need to feel sane, whether it's form him or hiring a sitter or whatever. You shouldn't have to do it all by yourself unless that is your choice! It seems like you just need some support, which is OK!



Good luck to you!

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