Why do we stay?

Kate - posted on 08/05/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I too have been a victim of domestic violence and when I look at the situations now I wonder why I stayed....perhaps it was the thought of love, the verbal abuse, lack of self-esteem, children, etc...I know at the time leaving was a terrifying thought, supporting myself and being alone scared me to death, but truthfully when I was being abused I was alone anyway, I was scared and lonely all the time, so why did it take so long to go? What are some of the reasons other victims stayed with an abusive partner????

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Britt - posted on 09/06/2011

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for me it was be thinking i; cant do any better and get nobody else. im so glad im away from my old relationship

Chrissie - posted on 10/27/2010

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Good question Kate. Probably every victim has their own answer, and probably more clear if you ever get out of the abuse. For me, my father was a severe abuser and he would beat me, then feel guilty, and to ease his own guilt for his own selfish self, he would then call me and offer me some bacon and eggs ( or something to make himself feel better ) When I was a woman looking for a partner, I would get blinded by what I thought was love I felt for them, but actually I had no clue what love was. The example my father gave me growing up guaranteed I would be in abusive relationships. I would fight, etc and then look for the love. I actually thought I had to let the abuse happen to get to the love (Bacon and eggs from childhood) So that's my reason, lack of knowledge and childhood abuse that made me have a lack of self esteem and think I wasn't worthy of a good relationship, or that I deserved a man who would treat me good without abuse. Sometimes you don't know that it's not suppose to be that way...and then sometimes, in our heads, it's better to be with someone who abuses us, than to be alone.

Carolyn - posted on 09/28/2010

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16 Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship:

1- Pushes for a quick relationship
2- Jealous and possessive, constantly calls you by phone
3- Tries to control your life
4- Unrealistic expectations
5- Isolates you from friends and family
6- Blames others for his/her problems, feelings and mistakes
7- Checks your phone for text messages and call history. May track you with GPS
8- Says his/her feelings are easily hurt
9- Cruel toward animals or children
10-"Playful" use of force during sex
11-Yells and calls you names
12-Rigid sex roles
13-Sudden mood swings
14-History of battering
15-Threats of violence
16-Threatens to reveal personal or damaging information about you to your family, friends or employer

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE: 1-800-799-7233

My goal is to inform and educate, helping to avoid domestic violence before it ever starts. In the meantime, I will passionately continue to be an advocate for domestic violence/abuse/child molestation awareness, working to bring hope, faith, empowerment and freedom to survivors.

Feel free to visit the Victim Support page on my website: http://www.orangeblossomwishes.com

Felicia Neikolle - posted on 09/28/2010

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I was the child of a single mom divorcee and swore I would never put my kids through that. My step-dad was abusive as well so it was also all I knew from a man as love (it had to hurt). When my husband starting abusing me, I stood up for myself. Then it got worse but never directed at our son. Then one day it was because I was holding him and I was pregnant with our daughter. I went to try and get help and the person I went to "counseled" us instead. I felt like I had noone on my side who would even believe me after that so how could I leave. When I finally did leave it was to go to a woman's shelter because I didn't have anyone else to help me get out. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I then got with another abusive man. With this man it was simple, I was completely isolated with no ability to even attempt to make it on my own. He wouldn't work so I had to but he held ALL the money at ALL times. I had NO family where he moved us to (like they were all outta state) and we had NO phone. Like I said, completely isolated. His sister-in-law, ironically, was the voice of reason in my ear during that relationship. She and I are still friends today as she helped me walk away. I ended up calling my mom eventually and begging her to help me. She bought me a plane ticket home.

The bottom line looking back was that I didn't believe in myself or that I deserved good in ANY form in my life that led to me staying in that position. What got me out each time was the belief that my children DID. I got counseling and started learning how to recognize the early signs of a potential mate that equaled out to abuse. I took some time away from being in a relationship (something I had never done) so that I could break the pattern of men I was choosing. I now have the most incredible husband who loves my kids and is no where near anything like my exes or my step-dad.

Carolyn - posted on 09/25/2010

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Very well said! We need to realize our children can very easily become a product of the environment we raise them in. Staying in an abusive relationship is NOT a good alternative. And there are so many sources of help today. I'm listing many of them on the Victim Support page of my website, so feel free to visit or refer anyone you may know who needs help to escape domestic violence. Whether it seems like it or not at the time, your children are ALSO being victimized. It just may not catch up with them until they are adults, and that is sad.

http://www.orangeblossomwishes.com

Amy - posted on 09/25/2010

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Hello, I was 17 teen and young first time love. I got PG then thought it was cool to be out on my own I was so madly in love I couldn’t see straight. I come to the understanding that there are two stages of love being in love and true love. I have come to the findings that everyone is so madly in love in the beginning they don’t see anything wrong with the relationship even if there abused. But there is a catch to this some women know it’s wrong and get out quickly and some stay and hope for the best or they think it ok to be in that kind of relationship. Now I have studied that these kind of women tend to get them self’s in these kind of relationship for a reason. It is known to have had not enough love in your childhood up bring or your parent were in the same situation so you think it’s ok. You may not like it but you just kind of adapt to the relationship. Now for me I had see my parents go threw this type of relationship where her hit my mother. Now I was not looking for this type of a relationship it just happen. I knew it was wrong and I felt mad, scared, hurt. I wanted him to treat me kindly not the way he was. I loved him we had a child together I wanted him to change and grow up and start taking care of us. I would try to talk to him and he would tell me he was sorry and he would change. So I being young not knowing much I believed him. I stuck it out for like 10 years not marrying because I new it was not a good idea but I wanted him to change. Now as a battered woman there are some good time in the relationship so that is when I took those time and shut out the bad happening. When I did this it made me stay, why because I shut out all the bad at that moment. As I got older I started getting people to tell me things and I started seeing things different and I realized I didn’t want to live like this for me or my child. I called the cops on him twice in our relationship and still took him back. He had his was of making me feel guilty and tried telling me he loved me and his baby so then again I took him back. As I was getting older I could see he had a drug addiction and drinking problem this made things worse but at the time I didn’t know this. As years past as I got older I got wiser and started seeing how other people lived there lives and I didn’t have that. I was sheltered to my self and my so-called Family. I started sticking up for my self more and not letting him control me as much. Soon I got smart and got out of the relationship for good. It’s been 7 years apart now I am married and have had another child with this wounderfull man who does not beat me. I feel the reason women stay is the fear of being a lone having to share your child with this man and possibly another women. You also feel you not goanna find anyone else. I do know the hardest part of leaving is you love this man even thou the was hitting you and abusing you. A another hard part is staying away never taking him back there slick and sly with words to making you think there goanna change. Yea things are good for a while after you take them back. But I grantee there goanna keep doing it then your right back where you were a few months ago. I suggest you get support from which ever to in helping you get strong and see you’re worth more than what you had. You have to be willing to make a change and stand tall and fight for you and your children if you have any. I am telling you if you let your children see this kind of behavior it will repeat it self. Sop put a stop to this some how it can be done we have people out there who can help.

Ali - posted on 08/19/2010

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I have been abused in the past but not by my current partner (my daughters dad) thank god! but i know many people who have been in that situation and most have told me that "he wasn't always like that" one friend decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and ended up in hospital. everyone has their
diffrent reasons for staying but they will come round eventually. All i can say is i think you are all such brave women!

Carolyn - posted on 08/18/2010

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Kate,



After many, many years of being a victim of DV, and then moving on to the position of a survivor, I have now become an active advocate for DV Awareness, speaking publicly and writing about it. Perhaps if you take a look at these two blog posts I made (I am a regular contributor for Everyday Health on the topic of Emotional Wellbeing), I think you will find some valuable information. You can get to it from my website. Just click on the Blog tab and look for the listing on the right.



Also, you may want to take a look at my website. There is a lot of information there on my work, you can see pictures of various events and get to my personal blog as well.



Speaking from my own experience, as well as from what I have learned from working with other victims and/or survivors, as well as counselors, advocates and law enforcement, fear and loss of self-esteem are the two chief culprits. It's all in the blogs. Hope you (and many others seeking some answers) will take a look.



The hardest and yet the bravest decision a victim of domestic violence makes is to leave. Unfortunately, the fear of not making it out alive is a strong reason to stay...



Hugs to you, fellow traveler!!

Carolyn S. Hennecy

Author/Speaker/Advocate

http://www.orangeblossomwishes.com

Carolyn - posted on 08/07/2010

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I am a survivor/overcomer of domestic violence, and now active as an advocate for DV Awareness. I blog regularly for Everyday Health's Emotional Wellbeing, and concentrate a lot of domestic violence. I think this post may help others who will take a moment to read the article - "Why Don't You Just Leave?" The link is: http://www.everydayhealth.com/blogs/emot... Also, feel free to visit my website, especially the Victim Support page, for a lot of helpful information for current and past victims, whether it is your friend, family member, or YOU! http://www.orangeblossomwishes.com

Hugs to all,
Carolyn

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