will it ever end?

Jennifer - posted on 12/13/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

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here i am at 6 am after not sleeping again wondering if I will ever feel again. Since july i have been hospitalized, couseled, in a 5 day a week program, and in outpatient vare. I have taken the meds, practiced what I learned and still the joy won't come back. I can't even smile. Everyone enjoys my baby except me. The holidays and her birthday are coming up and all i feel is dread. I am a horrible mom for the thoughts going on in my head but they won't stop. The panic attacks are horrible then obsessesing starts. I hate being a mon and i think my daughter knows. I wanted to be a mom so bad and had a rough time getting pregnant I could not wait for the joy to begin instead I want the numbness and pain to stop. I don't know how else to help myself and I am scared this dream of being a mother was a mistake and i will never smile again. When will i feel like a mom? when will the confusion and anxiety go away?

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Becky - posted on 01/03/2010

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i feel for you, please talk to your doctor, it will get better. your story will be an inspiration to someone else definitley... keep your chin up. Good luck

Andriana - posted on 12/31/2009

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Oh, honey. Talk to your doctor and see what they think should be done, sometimes you need a supplemental med or there could be an underlying problem such as thyroid issues or something else. Just keep trying. I know what it's like, I went through my first son's first 2 and a half years like that, but I didn't have the courage to get help and I felt so horrible, like I could never be a good mom. When I got pregnant with my second son my husband looked at me and said, "If you don't talk to the doctor this time, I will." When I talked to her seriously, we also discovered that I have a severe anxiety disorder. Please just stick with it, once your meds are right and everything is in place, all of a sudden you won't be able to STOP smiling and you'll wonder how you lived any other way. I love you sweetie, be brave.

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