Jennifer - posted on 12/13/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )
here i am at 6 am after not sleeping again wondering if I will ever feel again. Since july i have been hospitalized, couseled, in a 5 day a week program, and in outpatient vare. I have taken the meds, practiced what I learned and still the joy won't come back. I can't even smile. Everyone enjoys my baby except me. The holidays and her birthday are coming up and all i feel is dread. I am a horrible mom for the thoughts going on in my head but they won't stop. The panic attacks are horrible then obsessesing starts. I hate being a mon and i think my daughter knows. I wanted to be a mom so bad and had a rough time getting pregnant I could not wait for the joy to begin instead I want the numbness and pain to stop. I don't know how else to help myself and I am scared this dream of being a mother was a mistake and i will never smile again. When will i feel like a mom? when will the confusion and anxiety go away?