adhd an behavior

Tara - posted on 05/03/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )

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My son was diagnosed with adhd when he was 5, and since then he has been on medication. He is now 7. He has been having issues with listening and it has been going on for almost a year now. We ground him but after he gets off groundation, he does not listen again. He especially does not listen to me. I have tried everything possible and he still does not understand that when I tell him to do something, he needs to do it with out talking back. I am very frustrated! Is anyone else having this problem??

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Kristin - posted on 05/04/2011

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Sound like my girl, she is also 7, also problems arose in kindergarten. However I knew something was a little different about her even younger. Her adhd is paired with odd, as adhd rarely I found out comes by itself. So she is paired oppositional defiant disorder. It means authority figures telling her what to do doesn't work out well, it's a fight for everything. We are pairing medication with coping techniques, not just for her. Part of adhd is that abstracts are very hard for kids in general too. So when he's talking back/refusing to do what you ask, figure out if he can actually do it. I know it sounds funny, but even make your bed can be too abstract for them. I can elaborate too, but I'm in a rush. But first I would figure out if maybe you need to break what your asking him to do down into more steps. Like using the make the bed example. Pull up sheet, straigten and smooth sheet. Pull up comforter, straighten and smooth comforter. I made cards for my girl on how to clean your room with step by step instructions and she's not throwing complete fits now when she has to clean.

Kristin - posted on 05/07/2011

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Corrie, yes, I tried the natural route. When your child can't sit in their seat at school in a quietish manner, when she screams at the teacher when she had to transition when she doesn't want too. We tried the natural route, we tried the coping but how does a child learn coping techniques when they can't focus and one of their triggers is "breathing" I'm sorry Corrie, but no adhd mom is medicating to "cure" them. They are medicating because it's the last chance to keep them in school. Yes medication can be terrifying. Would you deny medication to those who need it? Believe me, I wish my child didn't need it. But with meds she's able to stay in class with a TA, with medication she is not singled out on the playground by playing by herself, and most of all with medication she is not being violent towards her teachers, principals and peers because she doesn't want to leave the computer room. With medication my child has a life, without it, she doesn't. Please do not assume we are merely just trying to get out of work. There is still a ton of work with medication. It's just that they are able to learn coping.

Stephanie - posted on 05/04/2011

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I have been there dont that as well, taken away everything. Nothing has worked. They need alot of attention and a lot of talking to and comfort more than negative . Its hard for me but I refuse to give up and have faith that things are going to get better. :)

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Becky - posted on 06/08/2011

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Have you tried changing the meds? They grow and go thru changes between 5 and 7 so you may also need a med change. I change my son's med or dose when he grows and changes. Some of the attitude stuff is just kid stuff too. Even kids without ADHD talk back etc

MbcsMom - posted on 05/13/2011

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I wish everyone could find a way to share without condemning (or appearing to condemn) other people's choices. I choose not to medicate and am happy to share why and how, but at the same time I understand that others choose to medicate or feel that they cannot try the Feingold diet alternative for whatever reasons.

The condemnation of choices also appears in the choice when you choose NOT to medicate as well. I have been told that I am a control freak or that I am being a bad parent for not medicating. The bottom line, is you, and not anyone else, are and should be the final judge of what works for your family and what you can and cannot live with.

Kristin - posted on 05/10/2011

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Yes, @Corrie, and yes, it's a combo of ADHD/ODD.
Yes, there is a dark side to adhd, with the pairing she goes to anger instead of anxiety thank you.
The problem that arises with ADHD is certain life skills are behind. So instead of behaving like a 7 year old who isn't getting her way, she behaves like a 3 year old having a tantrum. I personally have been mulling your response, I understand you did not mean to offend, however you have offended me, and with little to no knowledge of what all we have gone through. I have an excellent pediatrition, excellent counsellors, teachers and now a teachers assistant for her in class. Believe me, medication may or may not cause more problems in the future, but it is not an option to not medicate with my daughter at this time. You and no one else who has not been in my exact shoes is going to make me feel bad for helping her achieve the life she deserves. I wil not respond anymore on this, on this thread as I have no need for people who's goal is to make others feel bad about their choices. That may not be how you intended it, but that is how I perceive it.

I hope your life hopeful and successful.

Stacey - posted on 05/10/2011

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my son is the same way it drives me crazy i have tried everything and still nothing

Corrie - posted on 05/09/2011

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Kristin, i can't honestly say that those things sound like ADHD. Possibly slightly, but something more, something heavier and deeper is going on there.
I didn't mean to be offensive.
In a way i wish i'd been diagnosed and medicated earlier. But i surely would have suffered for it.
And i'm bi-polar, ADHD, OCD and mild ODD.

MbcsMom - posted on 05/08/2011

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It is a common misconception that Feingold is "extreme". It is absolutely not. My family eats pretty much the same composition of foods as everyone else (including pizza, chicken nuggets, etc). We just choose brands which do not include synthetic additives. I will tell you, that no teenager will stick to any sort of restrictive diet unless there is a really compelling reason. Because we are able to eat all the same junk as teens usually eat (had Tostitos and salsa last night along with ice cream), I have teens who adhere to it well. Feingold stage 2 does not restrict any foods, just the synthetic additives.

Susan - posted on 05/07/2011

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Thanks Kristin. I took him for a long walk this evening after my post. We really can't afford a lot of activites but he is going to a summer day camp that will include activites. I look forward to seeing if it helps. Thanks for the response! :0)

Kristin - posted on 05/07/2011

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Yes Susan, excersise is extremely important in my daughters life, she does dance, swimming and a couple of school activities during the gross months, once the weather is nicer I encourage bike riding, parks etc. The winter months here are awful and it's very cooped up. So I make sure she has several physical outlets.
The feingold diet did not work for us. After 3 months it was not enough and medication had to be added. I personally do not recommend the feingold diet, I do recommend removing as many dyes and additives as possible without going to the extremes of that diet. I do not believe in extreme diet practices in general. That of course is a personal opinion.

Susan - posted on 05/07/2011

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Has anyone tried exercise to help their child? Exercise llike running or something to help them expend energy. Just wondering if that helps.

Susan - posted on 05/07/2011

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Has anyone tried exercise to help their child? Exercise llike running or something to help them expend energy. Just wondering if that helps.

Susan - posted on 05/07/2011

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Yes, sounds like your telling my story not yours. Mine has ODD too. Nice combo. Mine is on vyvanse, citalopram, and clonidine. He's recently gone through a medication change and has been a terror although it is getting better. The stuff he says to me makes me wonder if he's a teenger sometimes. So frustrating that he doesn't learn from his mistakes and do better.

MbcsMom - posted on 05/07/2011

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I think that many people are being told that the only alternatives available are medications or behavioral therapy. This is not true. There is another option which has worked for me and other people I know. It is removal of synthetic additives from the foods the children eat and the products they come in contact with (bubble bath, lotions, etc). I find that about the only way to remove synthetic additives (dyes, flavorings, petroleum based preservatives, sweeteners and fragrances) is using the Feingold program (www.feingold.org) because reading labels is so time consuming and can be confusing.
We have been doing Feingold instead of meds for years now and it has worked wonders. DS (16) is in the kitchen right now doing the dinner dishes!

Corrie - posted on 05/07/2011

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To me this sounds severe and i'll be honest, the amount of children at such a young age on medication shocks me.
Have any of you mothers got ADHD? Do you know what these meds do to your children?
I'm sure none of you are negligent and none would harm your children, but medication is NOT the best option at such a young age.
I know medication is for some people, but your pretty much chosing to give your young children this stuff hoping it will 'Cure' them of their attention and hyperactivity problems and often they are still learning social conventions and the rules of life, and with their hormones changing and their lifestyles adapting to so many things, it' hard to balance. For the most part, they don't mean to do the things they do, they aren't doing it on purpose.
Another question i'd have to ask is, do you children know, and are they aware of their disability?
Children can easily act up to a problem. React to a response that is in the negative or even sometimes to one that is too positive. It's about finding a happy medium, especially with an attention deficit child.
In my experience, Grounding doesn't work. It's not a direct 'punishment' for the thing your son is doing wrong. It's a consiquence of being naughty and doesn't teach him the correct way to deal with what he is doing.
Under the age of 8 children with mental disorders of any kind find it extraordinarily hard to empathise and sympathise. That should be born in mind when exacting 'punishments'...... If thats the route you chose.
Really it should be about learning. And you teach your child to learn by doing. YES it's more hard with an ADD child, but it's necessary to put the work in as well as use medication.

Michelle - posted on 05/07/2011

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95% of the time children with adhd have some other issue as well. My son has Adhd combined with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) I highly suggest you go back to the dr. and discuss these issues with them as your son sounds like mine off his meds but when he takes them he is reasonable and for the most part not lippy he is 10 and most 10 year olds have their moments. We however do have to take two different meds one for each disorder to maintain a balance for him. Hope this helps

Terri - posted on 05/05/2011

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Tara, How long have you been married? You mentioned that it was different when you were a single mom. On top of the ADHD, which can have an effect on impulse control, your son may be acting out because he feels your husband has somehow taken you away from him. Honestly, you might want to consider family counseling. This sounds like more than ADHD. There seems to be a family dynamic at work. Perhaps your husband is more strict than your son is used to dealing with? Trust me on this, until you get to the root of the problem, all the groundings in the world won't make a difference.

April - posted on 05/04/2011

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Hi Marie, I have four children with ADD three boys and now my 6 year old baby girl. It was chaos before she got put on meds. She is on Adderral and most days she is a different kid. Getting her to settle down was also a huge issue, so I started her on 3 milligrams of melatonin. It is an all natural sleeping aid and has worked wonders. You can get it for cheaper at Dollar General and sometimes worth it when the drug stores have their buy one get one deals. Hope I was of some help, and feel free to ask me anything else.

LeeAnn - posted on 05/04/2011

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Tara,

This is very familiar territory. What this sounds like is ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). Please talk to your child's psychiatrist about this. While some defiance is common with ADHD, it's not usually an every day thing. Another thing that you need to remember is that with ADHD, children have difficulty following commands, remembering them, and do not understand how important it is for them to follow directions. This is all coming from a parent that used to be very old school. I was the parent that lived by "I'm the parent, you're the child. You are going to do what I say or you're going to be punished". Now though, with the help of doctors, counselors, and support groups, I have learned that you cannot be that way with children who have a mental illness. You have to be very communicative. Use words, not demands. Explain to him what is expected and what he needs to do, in the most simplistic wording. When he doesn't comply after an explanation, you can try sitting him in a chair for time out and explain that he can come out when he is ready to do what he's supposed to. I know that it sounds crazy and may be difficult at first but it really does work if you are consistant about it. Children with ADHD can't stand to sit still so they will do just about anything to get out of that chair. Making them watch the clock helps as well. I use this technique for all 3 of my children and they are 13, 9, and 6. Good luck!

Melissa - posted on 05/04/2011

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My son was diagnosed at 4 and he is 10 now. He is on Yyvanse and I find that he eats and does not have as bad of tempers as other meds that we have tried in the past.
He also does not listen to me, tells me at times that he hates me, argues all of the time, use to have trouble going to bed every night, and terrible mornings.
One thing that I try all of the time is positive reinforcement. We solved the bedtime issue by staying consistent, and almost have the mornings solved. Every time I have to tell him to get up is 15 minutes earlier he has to go to bed that night and less TV time. Every time he mentions that he hates me I tell him "I am sorry that you feel that way, but I still love you". By any means our relationship is not perfect, but each day is a trying game. We are now trying to work on the talking back and trying to teach him how to control his anger.
I spoke with a family doctor once and he mentioned instead of punishment and screaming matches all of the time to get a notebook and everytime he does something wrong, write it down w/the date. When he wants a reward pull out the notebook and say lets check to see if you can or do we need to mark a behavior off of the list? That way they can see when and what they did not they were not suppose to do.
I do know that we struggle everyday!

Rebecca - posted on 05/04/2011

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Hi ladies,
Well my daughter is 13 and she was diagnosed when she was 9 years old. I thought she was just lazy and forgetful but lo and behold it was ADHD. I never put her on medication and I think she is getting better in terms of disrespecting adults. She never screamed out she hates me but she would always have something to say. she always has to have the last word. In school, there were always issues of her being off task and disrupting lessons. I try to talk to her every day about how her day was and how it could have been better. She seems to like those talks, idk. Its so hard, hang in there.

Tara - posted on 05/04/2011

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My son doesn't scream he hates me. He starts to cry if I tell him he can't have something. He has been grounded more in the last year than ever before. Maybe when I was a single mom, I didn't put my foot down or punish him long enough. I don't know, I just wish he would listen, Its good that I am not alone in this because I try to talk to my husband but my husband doesn't believe the whole adhd and med thing. I explained to him that I tried all the behavioral techniques like taking their toys and video games away if they do something wrong. I hope he gets better as he gets older and realizes that it is not fun being in trouble.

Stephanie - posted on 05/04/2011

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my son as well screams I hate you I hate you I hate you over and over. Says he wishes he lived with someone else etc. I wish we had answers because its sad! He used to be such a sweet boy and can be at times. I find when he is tired it gets worse. But like you I do not know what to do! Answers would be great :(

Stephanie - posted on 05/04/2011

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YES! Everyday! You are not alone! I waited for years to put my child on medication. He is on Vyvanse now. The only thing that I can tell a difference in is his grades. But he is soo disrespectful, angry, smart mouth, talk backs, constantly . I am still learning how to cope with it as this is all new to me well behavior isnt but the ADHD. I am taking a class in May and hoping that gives me some more insight to this. I am at my wits end as well you are not alone!

Marie - posted on 05/04/2011

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Hi Tara,
My son is being treated with meds for adhd,( he's five ) but is still awaiting full assesment as they feel he might have other things going on too.
At the minute he is impossible, he will not listen to anything anybody says or asks, and basically its all got to be on his terms even if he's potentially doing something thats dangerous.
I'm absolutely at my wits end, and the bed time routine is horrendous as he just argues that hes not tired and then shouts that he hates me over and over again.
So, last night we decided on a new chart for him, basically if he doesnt listen, badly doesnt listen. then he gets a cross on his chart. If he gets up to 5 crosses in a day then he looses his tv time after school the next day.
I'm not sure if this is going to make any difference, but I am determined to get back some control and rather than giving him a list of tasks, I just wanted to target the main thing which is not listening! and TV is the only thing he hates giving up!
I know how fustrating it is to have a child dictate everything and doesnt listen to a word.
If you have any ideas for me that you've used in the past, I'd be grateful.
I hope things improve for you soon.
mx

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