ADHD / ODD 12 year old girl with no friends

A - posted on 06/29/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I have a 12 year old daughter that was DX with ADHD about 6 years ago, and ODD this past year. One of my main concerns is that she has no friends - she thinks they are friends, but they never invite her to anything. They only sit with her at lunch or do sports together b/c they are on the same team. After school or structured activities they don't invite her to anything. I see kids her age having parties and inviting friends over, but she is never invited. I understand b/c she is difficult to be around. She is very irritating to other kids, teachers, girl scout leaders, doctors, coaches, etc. Basically anyone that comes in contact with her. She is overwhelming to them. It is not the same for boys as girls as girls are much more critical of each other at this age. It is so sad to see her with nothing to do everyday after her camp ends. She has to be in day camps - because she would have nothing else ever do to over the summer. She has been "kicked out" of every day camp in our area; so now she goes to sport camp from 9am - 2pm. I cannot work b/c I cannot put her in a summer camp that offers hours that work with my work hours. She also is on the Autism Spectrum - high functioning - you would never know - aside from her social skills. The other parents don't like her and thus don't like me. Parents with "normal" kids blame the parent for the child's behavior. I'm not the best mother in the world, but I'm also not the worst. We have a solid family with values and structure; and no issues related to her having a bad upbringing. She is loved beyond words, she has everything she wants and beyond - we do everything we can to make her happy. She is not spoiled, but she does have a lot b/c - well - most kids do these days. She has great grandparents that send her things - generally she has a great support system. I guess I am saying that I do not think her issues are because of us or our family. She is taking Concerta (18mg) and Tenex (1/2 of a 1mg pill 2X per day). She is on a very low doses b/c I was against meds; but we will be trying an increased dose over the summer.

We've tried counseling, but she won't talk - the therapist eventually told me I was wasting my money and we could come back when she was a bit older. She is a immature in many ways (like dealing with kids - the "it's not fair" thing is mostly over for other 12 yo girls); buy extremely beyond her years in other areas - it's is mostly the social skill aspect where she does not have a clue.

Any input would be amazing. Thanks much.

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1 Comment

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Sandy - posted on 07/01/2012

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My 11 year old son has the same social issues. Some parents understand, some do not. When we found out his dx, I shared it with the parents so they could ask questions if they wanted and I could tell them what he might be like if he stayed over. One parent said ok, I understand and then when he was over at their house, he snapped at one of the younger children and made him cry. My son told me the next day that he was not allowed over at the house and his friend wasn't even supposed to play with him anymore. But the other parents are very good with him. I also asked twin boys that are friends with him if they knew he had ADHD and they said that they knew that. I explained that if he gets a certain way when they are playing, that they are to say "focus" and that is a clue to our son he is getting out of control.

Does your daughter have an IEP at school? One of the things we were asked when we got the IEP is if we wanted to talk to the class about the dx. Maybe that would be something you could do. A friend of ours did that when her daughter was diagnosed with dyslexia. Her daughter presented it and it helped her as well.

I went to a support group at hour clinic. The parents talked behavior modification plans, the kids practiced various social skills. The during the week, the family was supposed to practice those skills (things like talking on the phone, having a play date and letting the guest pick the game). Maybe there is something like that you could find.

One thing to try is inviting one of the girls to your house. Starting with one girl might help your daughter to understand those social skills. It would also give you a chance to talk to the girl about your daughter and how she isn't as different as they might think. We all do things that bug others!

Finally, as with anyone who is on meds, that is something that will have to be tweeked the rest of her life. We were on Concerta to begin with, switched to generic Ritalin (because it was cheaper) and have been tweeking it for 2 years now. It is just something that we have to do.