As a mother of an 11year old boy with ADHD, what can I expect in Middle School?

Lizette - posted on 03/10/2012

Wow, it's just amazing to me how much all your stories sound like mine. I have an 11 year old son who started middle school this year. I actually left my job at the end of 5th grade because I knew things would change for him, and I felt I needed to support him a whole lot more.....and boy, was I right! I took a job close to home and his school, that gets out at the same time he gets out, took a huge cut in salary, a financial struggle, but, I am glad I did. It tears me apart to hear some of these stories because I immediately think about the child who is experiencing these terrible symptoms of ADHD and other co-morbid issues, and how most times it's at the expense of their self-esteem. The bottom line is, most teachers do the best they can, however, the way the traditional school system is set up, does not really accommodate our kids. These kids require a specialized instructional environment in order to be made to feel successful and most importantly, motivated to actually adopt compensatory skills and strategies. It's not just simply making accommodations for them, its about raising their self-esteem, and their feeling of "I actually CAN do this, and it's not that bad after all" idea. It's about preparing these kids emotionally and strengthening their motivation. I 2 am always meeting with school staff, emailing, advocating......etc. I want to bring awareness to this subject. This is a HUGE issue, these kids are falling through the cracks at the expense of their self esteem. The percentage of drop-out rate, drug/alcohol abuse and suicide is climbing within this population. This is not to say that there aren't any "success stories", there are plenty. But my experience has been that even with a 504 or IEP, these kids continue to fall through the cracks, It's a hidden disability and until we start making noise, just like those brave and awesome parents of kids with autism, the schools are gonna continue to view our kids as capable(which they are) but lazy(which they're not)

Lizette

Rachael - posted on 10/15/2011

I am the single mother of a 12 year old boy with ADHD with ODD and a touch of bi-polarness. He was diagnosed at the age of three. Until he reached 3rd grade his teachers always gave him accomodations without being told they had to. Due to circumstances that came up in third grade he is now on a 504 plan which is simular to an IEP. This fall he started middle school and we were both terrified that he was going to have trouble. And it has not been great so far. He has had 5 incomplete assignments, a detention (three incompletes is an automatic detention) and an F. He has never had any of this other than an incomplete assignment here and there in his school years. I have been frustrated and disheartened. His biggest problem is adjusting to keeping track of everything when he can't seem to organize the littlest thing. So here is what we are doing now. I have met with his whole team of teachers twice already. Once to set up the 504 and again when we still were having problems. I email them whenever I have questions or need help on their end. I am having them verify his homework agenda three times a day to make sure I have the proper homework information. He stays for in school tutoring three days a week. Not because he needs the help with his work, but because it seems to help him concentrate when he stays in the school environment to complete homework. Plus Monday nights its his actual teachers that stay after. When he comes home I ask him what he has and if he has any more homework. Then I look through his bag and every single one of his folders. This is the only way to ensure he does not keep getting swallowed up with incompletes. He has awful short term memory and he really doesn't remember some of his homework. I don't know if this is ever going to get less involved on the parent side. I think as they grow and it becomes more routine they will form habits for themselves that may make things a little easier. But I think for an ADHD child to survive school and show their true brilliance despite the system not being set up for them there will always have to be clear communication between the parent and the teachers. We have been blessed with great teachers so far. And a small school system. If your teachers are not willing to do their jobs (the IEP and 504 laws protect the kids rights) then you will need to address it with the administration of the school district. We have to be the voice for them because who else will?
Rachael

Christina - posted on 10/13/2011

My son is 8 almost 9 and in the third grade and we have struggled with his ADHD since he was 2 almost 3. My son also has OCD, ODD, and is Bipolar. This year is the first year we have really started getting him all of the help he needs because I was the unsure mother. What I did very first this year was to request the IEP. I also sat down with the Principal and Vice Principal as well as every teacher and counselor all at once and explained who my child was and what his needs were. I explained that my child is an amazing student but will take the first chance he gets to be disorganized and unruley if the teachers let him. I alos explained each and every one of his disabilities and how each of those disabilities applied to him because each child who has these disorders are different. I e-mail the teacher weekly to make sure we are staying on track and I pop in to class from time to time unannounced to make sure we are not having any issues. Then the other thing I did was to get him in to counselling outside of school as well as a group therapy to help him in a more social setting. In doing all of these things I have seen an amazing improvement in my child's behavior. The other thing I did was to create a reward and consequence system that worked for his personality at home. If he has a good day he gets rewarded for that day if he had a bad day he receives a consequence for his behavior. I learned that taking it day by day and not allowing the previous day to flow into today has also helped improve how well he behaves. If he does really well for a week he then gets an extra reward for making it a whole week with good behavior. The other thing you can do is to let the school know that they must follow his IEP it is federal law under the no child left behind act that they do whatever is necessary to help your child succeed and if they are not able to do that than you will have to seek legal representation for your child. Just that one simple statement to my sons school has lit the fire under them to make them want to help my child and I have had no further issues.

Aimee - posted on 04/16/2011

Yes, it is expensive. I've decided to do whatever it takes. Our school was supposed to go live with the portal to help monitor grades and assignments this year, but didn't. 1/2 of his teachers do not participate to email. There is a smaller school in MS that I'm looking at that is a lot less expensive. It breaks my heart, because he is NOT a behavior problem. He manages to become quite endearing to his teachers. He has never been in trouble besides a few grades here in middle school. He isn't disrespectful, sassy or defiant. We got report cards this week and he had a 55 F on his report card. The ELA teacher says it's because he just did not do a 352 point project! Now, we've talked about military school for the last 12 weeks! What was he thinking? That I'm not serious? As an only child, it's very difficult to punish him. He is a self-entertainer so he can do a lot with very little. I've tried positive reinforcement and taking everything. Nothing works.

Alice - posted on 04/15/2011

Aimee we came close last year to Military school. The structure there is so needed in a situation like ours. If it was not for the $25,000 a year tuition he would have been there.

Alice - posted on 04/15/2011

Kimberly you are very fortunate. I have never found a teacher that was that willing to help.

Alice - posted on 04/15/2011

I could have written this. My son is now 16 and I could have written this repeatedly for every year he has been in school. He too is in Adderall. I have tried everything. The teachers never feel like they should give them an inch because they wont learn that way. The 504 status helps but is not a fix. This week my son was behind on 12 assignments in History. I printed everything off online, emailed the teacher to made sure we had everything he needed to get the work done. I took sticky notes and wrote down and marked each assignment in the book and what questions he was supposed to answer. I placed each hand out in the book that corresponded to that chapter. Each night I typed out a list of what was completed and put a place for the teacher to sign they received the work. I also emailed the teacher to let them know to expect the work and the page I wanted to signed.

In hind sight. I should have had my son do each of those steps to teach him what is necessary to do to help himself. However, I can say each of those assignments did get completed and turned in this week.

A child like this is not encouraged by things or points or anything. There is nothing you can give or take away that will improve the situation.

Be persistent. Everyday send an email to the teacher asking them to send you what work is to be completed each night. Ask for a copy of the handouts to be emailed to you. Everyday, go through the backpack with your child. With children like this we can not afford to respect their privacy because they probably shoved it in and would not recognize it if they saw it. Help him make a plan of what needs to get done first. Short assignment then a long one. Give him a break every 5 min break every 20 minutes. Set a timer. This will help teach time management. Make sure when the work is done that his name and the teachers is on each page. Just in case it gets lost it could get back to the right teacher. Have a routine when all the work is done that you put the work in a binder and do it together. Make sure it is clear which class or subject the assignment is for. Type of a page for the teacher to sign when she gets the work. Make sure he knows you are emailing her with a list of the completed work and that she will be expecting the sheet to sign. Make sure you ask for it back.

Anything you can do to make the Teachers job easier is best. Make sure you have an appointment with each one and set your expectations. Make sure you email them instead of them having to remember to email you. See if they wont email you a weeks worth of work at a time. This will save everyone time. If they will email more than wonderful! I have struggled with this so very much! If he is bright and most of them are. Do NOT put him in AP, GT, or Pre-AP classes. They are not allowed to accept late work and every assignment that is late is a "0". It is just not worth the hassle and only sets your child up to fail.

Hope this helps. Good Luck.

Aimee - posted on 04/14/2011

Unfortunetely, middle school has been a nightmare. We move to hs next year. I'm on the verge of military school because of grades and disorganization!! perfectly well behaved otherwise. I just can't deal with it anymore. The teachers could care less about his ADHD - they think he's lazy.

April - posted on 03/17/2009

My 13 year old has a very similar problem.  He gets wonderful grades on his quizzes and tests, but is struggling to pass his classes because of his participation and homework grades.  Middle school is more difficult, because now he has 7 different teachers all day, so they don't notice his work patterns.  We recently met with them all in a "team meeting" and they were all so wonderful and wanted to know what they could do to help.  They wanted to know if he was medicated, (which is not due to some problems that showed up on an EEG) and since he isn't, wanted our permission to push him at school to do well.  We were very relieved.  When we explained to them that it was not unusual for me or my husband to be sitting at the dining room table with him for 4-6 hours every night trying to get done even the simplest of homework assignments they were shocked.  They all admitted (and felt a little guilty) that they all thought since his test scores were so good that he was just lazy and not participating or doing his homework because he just didn't give a rip.  Since sitting down with them and explaining some of his learning issues, as well as his emotional problems, they have been really helpful.  We still struggle, because he forgets to write down assignments, loses assignments, and even lies about having them, because he doesn't want to spend his entire evening doing homework.  We made a rule that no matter what, he has an hour of homework time every evening.  If he doesn't have any homework, or "forgot/lost" it, then we print stuff from on-line, or make him practice with some Math cds that we bought for his computer.  (Math is what he struggles with the most.)  Since we made this rule, and he realized that he was going to be sitting there no matter what, a lot more of his assignments have made it home.  Guess he figures if he is going to be stuck doing homework, he might as well be doing the stuff he is going to get a grade for. 

They have something called "GradeSpeed" at my son's school, which is sort of like an on-line gradebook that we can  log into to monitor his grades daily.  We make a REALLY big deal out of it.  We celebrate even the smallest accomplishments.  It may sound silly (he thought it did at first), but we even print out his good grades and hang them on the fridge next to my preschooler's drawings.  He used to make fun.  Now, he brings me assignments he did well on and tells me he has another one for the fridge.  We all clap and hug and make a ceremony of it.  It seems to help his confidence.  He rarely makes it to the far away milestones at school, so we set some of our own. 

Best of luck.  Don't be afraid to meet with his teachers first thing when the school year starts (or before if possible).  Letting them know you are on the same page, and that you are actively envolved in your child's learning lets them know you are not just another one of those parents who sends their kids to school to let the teacher raise them.  It goes a long way to getting their cooperation later.  

Teri - posted on 03/17/2009

I have a 12 year old in 7th grade.  Elementary school sounds similar to what you are experiencing for 5th grade.  When my son was in 5th grade, the teachers really pushed the teacher-student-parent communication.  I did not like that at all.  I went out of my way to have meetings with the teacher (every 4 weeks or so).  I kept all my son's homework, because the teacher would misplace things and then blame my son.  Kimberly's suggestion works great, you just have to be sure the teacher will work with you.  I am sure most teachers would make the effort, who wants to have a child failing ? 

As for middle school, my son is in the regular classes.  He's not in High Acheiver or GATE.  I never pushed him to do those things, only because it meant more homework.  I have found for the most part, the standard classes have relatively few outside assignments for homework.  My guess is that the teachers had to find ways to get the kids understanding the subjects without homework.  Probably because at this age, homework wouldn't get done.  Hopefully, your child won't have to worry about outside assignments on a regular basis.  My son is taking Algebra and Spanish, which require regular homework.  HIs teacher also provide the assignments on Friday's so the kids have a few extra days to get ahead in the assignments.  Not to say my son turns in all of his work.  I am constantly on the teachers web pages and figuring out what is due, what was and wasn't turned in, as well as his current standing on grades. I have to sign his weekly agenda, but he doesn't always write down everything.  I really don't bother to look at it, since I have don't have a way of verifying.  The teachers don't post it on their web pages, so I would have to spend more time on the computer.

The elementary agendas and close knit feeling really isn't there in Jr. High.  I feel I have more work to stay on top of the school things.  Not to mention the usual and extraordinary growth of a teen.  One of his teachers refered to has being a "true passive/agressive personality".  That sort of ticked me off, but I don't hold it against her.  It was just hard hearing it from someone who is not a psychologist or his pediatrican.

It has been a bit hard to manage 7 teachers and their view on 12 and 13 year olds.  They see the kids in different way than the elementary teachers do.  They don't have a lot of patience for attitude or anything else.  I have gone out of my way to be involved and in their mindset.  I send emails as often as I need to, so they know they can contact me if need be.  I would say that our experience has been positive, just more work.  I don't think there is a way to be less involved with the assignments.

BTW, I have a second grader with ADHD, and possibly a 3rd.  3 out of 4 kids, it's just heartwrenching.

Pat - posted on 03/14/2009

Hi sorry to hear your problem,my son is just like your son,so what I did at my son school,told them about the problem and asked what would they do to help,and then if that didnt work I told my sons school that my son wasnt doing homework as it wasnt fair to him he doesnt have any  homework now,also I thing they should shorten his reward he shouldnt have to wait ten weeks good luck x

Ginger - posted on 03/14/2009

I am going through the same thing with the rewards. My son is allowed so many points before getting detention! He has been in detention many times this year. The reward is a movie and he has never made it. I have tried to change this point system but they won't budge because they think he can do better if he tries. He is 12 with ADHD. I wanted to share but I don't have any suggestions because I haven't figured it out either!

Kimberly - posted on 03/10/2009

Wow your son sounds like my 11 year old daughter. She is very disorganized when it comes to school. Fortunately though her teacher, ECE and principal are very supportive. Her teacher and I came up with a system that seems to be working, for now anyways. Just before the end of the day the teacher gives my daughter a few extra minutes to get her things together and then she checks her backpack to make sure that everything she needs in it and always makes sure all homeowrk is written in the agenda and signs it. When I get home I read the agenda and make sure that all of the homework is complete, sign the agenda and send it back the next morning. If for some reason the agenda does not come home or doesn't make it to school (cause it was accidentally left on the bus) the teacher and I will e-mail each other to let the other one know that it had been sent. We will also e-mail each other if there is something really important going on to make sure the other gets the message.

I find that giving rewards at home for school related behaviour helps eg. If she brings home her agenda she can have a piece of gum. If she brings it home for the whole week she can stay up for an extra half hour on friday night.

I hope this helps a little.