at a loss and out of patience

Alicia - posted on 12/12/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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i have 2 boys with adhd they are 12 and 11. and i honest;y dont know how to get them to calm down and be respectful they arent even respectful to their friends. even after they have taken their meds they still seem to be a lil out of control. i really dont want to have their meds raised again because they have not really lost weight just muscle mass they are skin and bones but the meds at a higher dose makes them like little zombies. does anyone have any ideas on what i can do to get them to understand and show them that they are older now and its time to learn to control themselves my patience is running very thin... any ideas would greatly be appreciated

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Rhonda - posted on 12/20/2009

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Alicia,
I have a 12 year old son and he is ADD...we changed from a pill form of meds to a patch. Works great, more control over taking it off after homework is completed and giving his body time to be hungry when dinner is ready.
As far as the disrespect, most of the other posts are right on the target...be consistent with your consequences...my only change to their comments is I do not believe in spanking. I also do not believe in sending them to their room for very long. Keep them busy, give them lists of what they need to do, this keeps you from having to repeat yourself, all you have to say is look at your list. Make a chart...my son is more successful with visual, written lists. Rewards have to be earned and I do understand just how hard it is to stay in control and not get upset. Best of luck and know that you are not alone...many of us parents are struggling just like you.

Joy - posted on 12/19/2009

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I have a 12 year old daughter who has ADHA. I have problems with her giving me attitude about things and being disrespectful. It is kind of a new thing for us. Because she is a girl I think that she is not as aggressive. Maybe part of the problem is just their age. They are pre-teen and all pre-teens go through a phase that they are very disrespectful and aggressive. I think these stages are more difficult when you have on that has ADHD. We try to keep her schedule consistent, which is getting harder because she is coming more involved in activities, and we make sure that she understands what is expected of her and sometimes that means telling her 20 thousand times a day. Hang in there, be consistent, but maybe it is not all the ADHA that is the problem. It has just made it worse.

Linzey - posted on 12/16/2009

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My almost 8yr old son has ADD. I am also a substitute teacher and see a lot in the classroom. After reading all the replies above I can say I like them all. These kids are huge manipulators. They will try to wear down your defenses to gain control of you and the situation. This may be why it seams like disipline works for a little while then stops and you have to change again. Pick something you like and don't let them change you. They are supposed to change. That is how life goes and it is an important lesson they must learn. I would also suggest trying different meds and combos of such. My child takes Vyvanse in the morning and another shorter lasting pill right after school to get him through homework and dinner. I figured the alternative is him living a life where everyone around him is angry and all he experiences is him being in trouble and I didn't want that kind of life for my son. Meds helps him flow better with life and allows him to have a better life.

Shauna - posted on 12/16/2009

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I am new to here and I am glad I found this. I have a 8 sone to be 9 yrs old girl who I have just found out has ADHD. I too am going through the whole disrespect thing on her part as well and have a hard time following through with punishments. Because I am new to this ( for the longest time I just thought she was a bad kid sorry) I am trying new techniques with her. I too have ADHD. My Daughter isn't on meds yet but have another Dr. appoinment to dicuse them. Hoping things will change. So I total understand your problem.

Alison - posted on 12/15/2009

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Have you considered martial arts? Do they spend time outside? Do they spend time in front of the tv, computer, video games?

Meg - posted on 12/15/2009

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My son's are 7 and 13. They both have ADHD and FAS( the younge one more so), the older one has anxiety/depresion and the younger has ODD. It sounds like you are having a really hard time also. Staying consistant and on a routine has worked well for us. Mine are very resistant to change. My 13 year old has been spending most of his time in his room lately for being disrespectful and argumentative. He has a complete loss of all privledges right now. As does his brother who also gets time outs. They share a room so I can't send them both there. Travis(7 yr) does not get any attention from me when he is being disrespectful. He is told his behavior is totally unacceptable and when he can be respectful he will have my attention again.

Something our therapist has told me that is working for me is not to let them see you react to thier bad behavior by accepting the invitation to a power struggle. Which is what they are doing. Firmly tell them their behavior is unacceptable and then you need to physically remove yourself from th situation. I go in the other room and do dishes or straighten up some clutter, anything to let them know I will not accept the invite. It is not always easy and you will have to find what works for you.

I also have to watch very closely what my son's eat. I have to stay away from sugars and artificial/preservatives. I have heard some say that the food dye set thier kids off. The more junk my boys eat the worse thier behavior gets. Boredom is another big thing here. When they aren't on a schedule they fight more.

Most important when you do see the good behavior you need to give them lots of praise for it. They will want to keep doing it if they see it gets your attention and the bad doesn't. A little reward never hurts either! Sty otwardly calm and pickyour battlee carefully. Work on one thing at a time. Stay consistant and hang in there! I have found this site to be most helpful. Just rad around and see what is working for others.

Meg

Stacey - posted on 12/14/2009

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stick w/ the same routine, follow thru w/ punishments ALWAYS mean what you say, try different meds, that might help...good luck

Nicole - posted on 12/14/2009

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Ok So I posted some of this in another thread too so if you see it twice sorry :) My daughter is 9 and we have gone through stages of this also. It got so bad at one point in time I had to for all of our safety turn her door handle inside out on her bedroom and lock her in there when she was having a tantrum so that I didn't get too frustrated. I am one that won't put up with attitude and disrespect. I unfortunately have had a fight with my mother over this because she will let my daughter get away with it towards her and won't discipline her. For the attitude I haul her into the bathroom and wash her mouth out with soap. It set her straight and it only took about 2 weeks before she learned to stop with that.

One other main thing is that even if a strategy isn't working right away you need to be consistent. Even if it doesn't seem to work for a while keep with it because they figure out that if they don't let it work you will change it and they might get a way they like better. Unfortunately kids with this disorder learn quickly how to be masters at manipulation so you really have to watch for that also. And I am sorry if some disagree with me but there are just some times when you have to haul off and give them a good old fashioned woopin. If they think you are afraid of them then they will learn to run all over you.

Brandi - posted on 12/14/2009

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My daughter is 7 and has ADHD. She is very disrespectful, not only to us, but to her brother, classmates, teachers, grandparents. She is at the point right now that we don't know what to do, either. We are taking her to a counselor and he is helping some, but sometimes I just want to scream. We have tried all means of discipline and nothing works. All I can tell you is that it does seem that the more consistant we are with her, and the more we stay on a routine, the better our days go. Good luck, girlie!

Alicia - posted on 12/13/2009

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Quoting Dawn:

pls dont take offense but at 11 and 12 they should have more respect. i dont know you or what you do with your kids but i have a 7yr old who is doing what you are saying above. my son gets things taken away, his ds or toys or tv time or whatever he is really into. he has to earn his stuff back by being respectful. there has been a few times were i have taken every thing from his room but his bed. i find at home he pulls the talking back yelling more but you have to stay firm and let them know you are in control. i am not saying that i have it all under control there are days i want to ship him to the moon. :) as for the skin and bones i am rite there w u my so hs been 50-52lbs for the last 3 yrs and it sucks. i have to make him eat. i dont know what to say for that :(


i didnt take offense to what you said because i know that part of the problem is me. been thru many different stategys on diciplines and most of them work only for a lil while then i gta come up with different ones. thank you for responding

Dawn - posted on 12/13/2009

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pls dont take offense but at 11 and 12 they should have more respect. i dont know you or what you do with your kids but i have a 7yr old who is doing what you are saying above. my son gets things taken away, his ds or toys or tv time or whatever he is really into. he has to earn his stuff back by being respectful. there has been a few times were i have taken every thing from his room but his bed. i find at home he pulls the talking back yelling more but you have to stay firm and let them know you are in control. i am not saying that i have it all under control there are days i want to ship him to the moon. :) as for the skin and bones i am rite there w u my so hs been 50-52lbs for the last 3 yrs and it sucks. i have to make him eat. i dont know what to say for that :(

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