At my wits end. What else can I do with my daughter? 8 yrs old and keeps stealing and lying

Jane - posted on 07/19/2011

My son had the same problem, and yes, it was impulse control combined with anger. He is ADHD, ODD and Bipolar. He does it because:

It's there, he wants it, and he grabs before thinking.

It belongs to his sister and he thinks it isn't fair that she has one (he had one, too, but he got mad and broke it).

He has a hard time making friends and thinks he can "buy" them (his self-esteem is at zero).

He has a hard time making friends so he has fallen in with some manipulative little hoodlums who convince him they will be his friends if he buys them things, so he takes money from my purse.

He is angry with me and wants to hurt me AND get my attention.

He is improving slowly but it has taken many years of therapy, medication, and hospitalization. He is finally in a public school where the staff (most of them anyway) believe in mental illness and are helping him learn to cope in acceptable ways.

One thing that did help him a lot was 5 months in residential treatment. It was a battle to get the insurance company to pay its part, but we got them on board in the end. It still cost $3000 in co-pays, but it was worth it.

An important phrase to remember is "a risk to self or others," meaning he is at risk of hurting himself or people or animals. The risk of suicide or a violent attack is one that demands action by the psychiatric profession. Unfortunately for our family my son has attempted suicide twice, burnt himself, and threatened and injured me and his sister. However, that was enough to get him the treatment he needed.

The insurance company argued, though, saying that we hadn't "shown effective use of community resources." By this they meant we hadn't had him arrested. Fortunately we were able to convince the appeals board the second time around that he needed the help.

We have also had to empty out his room so he had only a mattress and had to earn his other possessions back. However, anything he had destroyed was not replaced. He had a nice wood and metal bunk bed and managed to break it so thoroughly that even the metal was twisted. He had to help me carry it downstairs and take it to the dump. He also destroyed the mattresses by tearing off the plastic covers and peeing on them, so for a time he was reduced to a blanket on the floor.

Bobbie - posted on 07/19/2011

my 8 yr old has ADHD really bad and OCD and does the same thing but he is also very defiant and abuse to his sisters witch are teenagers and our cats he is on alot of meds to help min but every time i go to dr and tell him what is going on he wont do nothing about it im at my wits end and dont know what i can do plz help me

Paula - posted on 11/18/2009

as long as u r persistant in ur disciple then one day it will get better yes it is an impulse thing and children with adhd do have impulse control issues u r not alone as my 9 year old is also stealing but it only happens at home stay strong and remember no matter how much kids stress u out u will always love them

Doriss - posted on 11/18/2009

OMG...my son does the same thing...he is now 13 though..and acts like he's 10...and he'll lie about stupid stupid little things...for example, last night I went to KFC got dinner & came home..in my order there was brownies...I didnt eat them I decided to save them for today..so they went into the pantry. This morning..while my son was getting dressed for school I went & looked for the brownies, and they were gone....gone gone...when I asked my son..he said my hubby took 'em. I knew though...he was lying already...and I called my hubby at work (to prove a point) and he hadn't seen them...then after badgering my son...he finally ripped them out of his backpack and handed them to me...he was willing to let his dad take the blame for stupid brownies...I was sooo upset w/ him...because he has no problem looking me in the eye and lying! Meanwhile, this is a kid who has everything he needs to be as successful as possible...he has NO reason to lie, cheat, or steal...lil' punk! LOL
So I think there are alot of moms out there that can relate to you..and your situation...
Good Luck

Bunkie - posted on 11/17/2009

My 7yr old son is the same. What ever that he finds on his path he takes. I've grounded him and took away his TV rights but when he gives me those innocent puppy eyes I quickly surrender. I need to empty his school bag every morning to make sure that none of our personal Items are in his school bag and empty it everyday after school to make sure that he did not bring back other people's things.

Kari - posted on 11/16/2009

MY soon to be 10 year old does that she too has been put in ISS at the middle school when she was in the 3rd grade.I started makeing her tell everyone why she was in trouble. I put a dry erase board on the fridge and divided it into two sections "what Skyler said" What the Truth is" and everytime she lied or stole which usually went hand in hand i wrote on the board and when company came she would want it taken down she was embaressed. I left it up for about 6mos. Now when it looks like it is starting again i ask her if she wants her board back up. I didnt solve it 100% but it did put a hault to it

Toni - posted on 11/16/2009

My ADHD 8yo daughter is the same way. I would never place my daughter in a group home. Her docs have said it is an impulse control. I have learned that some of the things she steals isdirectly from me and things I normally don't allow her to have. Now we sit down and some of my things she wants to see we get it out together and I give her a chance to hold and examine what ever it is. This has prevented her from stealing and without the stealing there is no reason to lie. I hope you find something that will work for you.

Michelle - posted on 11/16/2009

NORMAL ? ! ? !
I'm very sorry , but NONE of that is normal !
My 2 choices would be :
1. To try to sort it out myself , as I've let it get this far. She far from being to old for a hiding. Maybe I'm just old fashioned , but nothing beats a hiding.
Authority born of love will give you obedience out of love. Sort the child out and let him / her know it's unacceptable.
2. If this hasn't helped , I'll take her to a psychiatrist as these are SERIOUS problems that can derail her entire life.

Misty - posted on 11/15/2009

some of this is normal. My daughter lyed and stole until she was i think 11yrs old. I even had my husband take her to jail on christmas one year. Im not kidding u the sergeant once my husband explained to him what the issue was he was all for helping us out. The bigger deal you make it the more she will do it. sometimes it is for attention. NOW what to do about it... i ended up taking everything but my daughters bed out of her room and she had to earn things back week by week..If she didn't lie or steal for a week than she would get one to two things back. You have to stick with it and then encourage her each week she accomplishes the task. If she is caught lying or stealing before the week is up she not only doesn't get her item you could choose to take one away as well... Hope this helps