Help with Bulling in school

CJ - posted on 03/24/2011

My son has ADHD and has some social skills problems as well (nothing serious) and is bullied a lot as well. One of the major problems is that he gets mixed signals. If bullied, we tell him to get the teacher involved. Teacher tells him not to tattle... There are bullies everywhere. So we are working on what we call "come backs" to help him feel less helpless. When a kid says something to my son that hurts his feelings, he has a come back to say. For example, bully says "you have no friends and you're ugly." My son is to respond with a little attitude, "is that the best you got? Really sad. Can you move along now so that I can concentrate on something more important?" We have been role playing for some time so that he gets the right attitude down. The school has told the kids that those who respond back and do not walk away will also get in trouble. My response to the school, try it and see what a major problem I can be. We also have my son in karate which has helped his self esteem and also gives me some security that he can defend himself. Since he has been physically attacked in the past, he knows that he is allowed to defend himself either verbally or physically (depending on the situation) when needed and will not be punished at home for doing so. My philosophy is what would I do as an adult if someone attacked me in the parking lot? Would I let them hit me or would I defend myself? We are very clear with my son when to respond verbally and when it is okay to physically defend himself. Our karate instructor helps with this in his class as well. Yes, I know that if my son defends himself physically that the school may suspend him and that may mean I have to take a few days off of work. School is only a small part in his life and what he will learn from defending himself is so much more valuable than a few days of missed classes.

I did also find out that DFACS can be called for situations like this. Any institution that is responsible for the physical and emotional welfare of a child can be investigated by DFACS. If DFACS finds that the complaints are accurate, then they can remove the bully from the school and also cite the school. You need to have concrete documentation for them. I haven't tried this yet as I feel I have to help my son on a lifetime of dealing with bullies. As we all know, bullies become adults, too.

It would be fantastic if the school would handle the problem, but in reality, there are too many bullies and not enough personnel. The role playing and karate have helped my son, who is 8. It is heartbreaking to know that your child is treated so poorly by both his peers and the adults who are supposed to protect him. I don't know if what works for us will work for you. We have been dealing with a few different bullies for a couple of years now. Every time one goes away, another pops up. Sending prayers your way.

Kim - posted on 03/16/2011

If your child has an IEP, ask for an IEP team meeting. Ask them for solutions to address this issue. They may temporarily add a one-on-one para to observe and talk your child through ways of handling the situation. It may be as easy as a different seating arrangement, making the other child aware that the adults do in fact know what is going on.

Holly - posted on 03/15/2011

The school should be very involved in this. By addressing your son's situation they are helping other picked on students and preventing future situations. I am a retired Kgarten teacher, now substituting and writing for the 3-6 grade level. My realistic fiction book, Revenge of the Dorkoids, revolves around in school bullying. My girls were bullied and I hope my book, and the others to follow, will help model anti bullying behaviors. Is your school running any anti bullying program like Rachel's Chain, or Purple hand? These may be too expensive. I have a free anti bullying program that uses my books characters. Bit by Bit Stop the Bullies. These types of programs teach kids to accept differences and to be kind to others. My program teaches specific ways to respond when witnessing bullying, and what to say when responding. I keep being surprised to hear so many people saying their schools are not running a program. If a school is not running a program, they are allowing bullying to continue to be a rite of passage for their students.

Marissa - posted on 10/20/2010

My daughter who is ADHD was also having trouble with a bully. I'm so thankful that it just took me going to her teacher and expressing my frustrations and pointing out that we had all signed an anti-bullying contract at the beginning of school. She had a good talk with the little boy who was bullying and has been more watchful of him. So far he has left my daughter alone! I agree with everybody else in that you have to continue to be an advocate for your child whether that means going to the teacher, the principal or directly to the parents of the bullies and even the school board.

Christine - posted on 10/19/2010

I agre with everyone on here I am currently dealing with a similiar situation at my daughters school harassment , bullying , civil rights violations and all she is ADHD and has an IEP and the school has broke almost every law and statute there is, This school always said oh we took care of the issue then later we find out it did no good, or they did not do anything about it. The bullying caused her to say she wanted to hurt herself from all the teasing etc,, the school has not sent any paper work at all . Keep on the school write a journal of everything that happens and correspondence with the school make sure u send certified or registered and keep copies of everythng .. I am close to going to due process with my daughters school with similiar issues and was told i should file a police report for harassment and bullying as IL has strict bullying laws now. Also try contacting your state board of education let them know what has been going on and they can help refer you on steps to take they have helped me

Jane - posted on 10/14/2010

When you don't get action from the school, go to the district office. Schools tend to take notice when you continue to move up the "food chain" with your information. Also, document every conversation, phone call, e-mail, etc.

Joyce - posted on 10/13/2010

I had thought schools were not supposed to tolerate bullying anymore. If you cannot get anywhere with the school, call your local police dept or news station as others have posted. Children have hurt themselves and been scarred for life because of bullying. Do not tolerate it..do whatever you must to make the school take immediate action!!

Cari - posted on 10/13/2010

Don't back down!! My son was being bullies at school too. Talk to the teacher, the principal or go above their heads. Talk to the superintendent. Remember it probably isn't just your son. Other kids are being bullied too. My sons' school now has a section on bullying in the school rules because another mom pushed them. Don't back down.

Anita - posted on 10/13/2010

You could be talking about my 14 year old son. Sometimes you need to get with the people in charge of the school and educate them. A lot of people still think kids like ours are just lazy or troublemakers. I sat down with my son, a counselor, and the principal of his school and we talked about ADHD and how it affects my son. I also reminded them that ADHD is covered under the Americans With Disabilities act. Things didn't improve much until some of the bullies started to get physical and I threatened to call the police and the local news. It is sad that it had to go that far but things are better now. It probably doesn't hurt that he's now about a foot taller than the bullies and out weighs them.

Bonnie - posted on 10/13/2010

Wow! I could have written your post for you. I will say this. My son is now 15, he was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 7. He has not outgrown it but he has grown into himself and is much more comfortable with himself now. I agree, the schools never take you seriously. I would keep pressing the issue. Talk to a guidance counselor, have him tested by the school psychologist to see if there are some things they can do, all of this will bring attention to the fact that you are serious and they need to take you and your son seriously. This "bullying" affects their self-esteem and it takes years to get it back. I've been there with my son, I know. My prayers go out to you!

Tanya - posted on 10/13/2010

I have the same exact problem. My son is 11 ys old in the 6th grade and in middle school things are worst. He also suffers from Asberger's Syndrome. No social skill either. We decided to remove him from school again. This was only a trial run, he was homeschool for 3-5th grade. The children run the classroom and it is sad. I would rather struggle a little bit in finances than planning my son's homegoing service. They are working on his self-esteem and he has told us that he does not want to go back. He was very clear about being in school and how much he like it. But now things have changed. I know everyone cannot homeschool but I have to make that decision. I hope you are able to get this fix. You have to make the school be accountable for what is happening. Call, go up there everyday until someone hears you. Go to the schoolboard. Be on them and make them see that this is a problem nto just where you are but everywhere.

Charity - posted on 10/13/2010

Put everything in writing, I prefer e-mail. I've had to do this in the past with several issues. My 1st e-mail goes to the teacher with a specific time frame that I would like a response by. If no response it goes to the team leader. If still no response, I add a name (the Vice principal, then the principal, the school psychologist or counselor, the board of education members) to each e-mail after that. No, the board members don't like being called at home (but in my area their phone #'s are published) but once they are disturbed I guarantee the people in charge will take notice. I've had to threaten to go to the local media. That seems to be a real attention grabber as they step up really quickly at that point. Whatever you do, don't back down and don't let it go. You are your childs biggest advocate if not only advocate sometimes. If you have to contact the police and file a report. Good luck. YOu are in my thoughts.

Julie - posted on 10/13/2010

If the school will not get involved, I would go directory to the school board. A lot of communities and states are getting a lot tougher about bullying and you don't always need to go through the school. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets! The school has a responsibility to deal with this and the best outcomes happen when the principal or person who handles discipline for the school gets involved. Don't stop standing up for your rights and those of your son!

Kim - posted on 10/13/2010

Do whatever you have to fo to get the school to pay attention! I had to threaten to press criminal charges before they would listen and I went all the way up to the superintendant. My son was bullied horribly in elemetary school, it did get better in Jr. High and was completely finished by the time he entered High School but the damage was already done. He still suffers low self esteem and does not have the confidence to stand up for himself. DO NOT let this go on one more day your son should not have to suffer because the school does not think it is that big of a deal. To many chilrden take thier own lives or the lives of others because noone is standing up for them. You are all he has and as a parent of a now 11th grader I only wish I could go back and do more to help my son sooner I waited until it was to late and I carry the guilt of that everyday!!!

April - posted on 10/13/2010

My son was the one who was doing the bullying at his school. We were called in to have a meeting with the teacher and principle. We came up with a plan to keep an eye on my son and as far as I know it hasn't been a problem since. But unless the school notifies the kids parents they probly have no idea it is going on. I would suggest staying on the school about addressing the issue and ask for a timeline of when you can expect action to be taken. The school may be trying to catch the bullies in the act so they have a better idea of how things are playing out. Some kids can dish it out but can't take it and I don't believe that is your son but because of those kids it makes things even more difficult when there really is an issue. Have your son confront the kids when they tease him they may back off some.

Carmen - posted on 10/13/2010

You are advocating for your son and you could literally be in the Fight for His Life. My son has ADHD and was bullied a lot. I talked to his teachers and the staff about who was doing it and when it was occurring. I educated myself on bullying and then educated the staff. I held them responsible for each report that I got. I attended school, made my presence known in the classroom, at class change in the hallway, recess, and in the lunch room. I talked to the students during lunch about being bullied and other time where I could work it in. I also recommended a Bully box to the school. This is a box where kids can secretly put information about bullying that they have seen or had happen to them. Sometimes kids are scared to tell on the bully but when they can drop the info in a box without fear of retaliation it is amazing what kids will tell. Including some bullying going on by teachers. Continue to stick up for your son. Join PTA/PTO, and get involved. Let your voice be heard and document, document document.

Phyllis - posted on 10/09/2010

The best thing you can do is never stop trying to help him. Make a royal pain of yourself at the school until they listen. And if anyone lays a hand on him, be sure to press charges. Let them know you are serious. Is changing schools an option? Not just because of the bullying, but due to the lack of response from the school. I would also get him some counseling. Either from the community or the school. If it comes from a school counselor, he or she might be able to get the school to listen. Document everything. Have your son write down every incident. You write down and/or record meetings with school officials. Document all you possibly can to back you up. You may be able to go to the police and press harassment charges. If they tell you to work it out with the school first, you can show them documentation of all the times you tried that and the school refused to help. Do not stop trying. Consider an editorial in the local paper on bullying. Sometimes bad press can shake people into action. Good Luck.... prayers are with you!