I am sad because I don't LIKE my son and don't know what to do...

[deleted account] ( 32 moms have responded )

I have a 14 year old boy who is ADHD. Not only is he going through puberty but he's just a jerk to me. He is disrespectful, walks away when I'm talking to him, and is nasty aside from being completely scattered, disorganized, forgetful and did I mention nasty!! He and I just don't see eye to eye - it is a constant battle in my house. I really don't like him and I'm sure he doesn't like me either. Half the time one of us winds up in tears - this is not a good relationship. I find myself avoiding him just to avoid the "attitude". I know kids w/ADHD need positive reinforcement but there is very little I can be positive about with him. Is anyone else experiencing these issues or am I just losing it???
I would appreciate any feedback to help me with this ongoing situation.

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Michelle - posted on 09/27/2013

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I have a ten year old son with ADHD. He is also on medication. He did really well on it until this past year and a half he has taken a turn for the worst. He is extremely disrespectful he doesn't listen to anything I say. He does what ever he wants knowing he will get trouble he just doesn't care. He now argues with all the kids and parents in the neighborhood he swears at me calls me filthy names trashes his bedroom in a fit of rage throws things at me and is constantly angry for no reason. I have tried every trick in the book to redirect this behavior it's to the point I feel as if I hate him an also try to avoid him to avoid an out burst were always fighting and screaming and all I want is a way to make it stop I just want him to be the kind hearted nice boy he is deep down inside I don't no what to do anymore it's gotten so bad. Any suggestions please help

Tolga - posted on 03/24/2013

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Please do the right thing.. i am a 17 yo boy and live in belgium... at the age of 14 i was also like that.. but i didnt realize anything and my mom didnt want me annymore... since then i have been trough much trouble :'( so please, be patient, if you have family send him to his aunt, grandma, he needs to feel the love and together with a psy (dokter) step by step you can work on his defaults abd you, as his mom, need to learn how to handle him... I dont want anyone to live my life.

Regards,

Tolga Kucuksolak

Ashley - posted on 11/23/2009

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Quoting Toni:

raising a teenager in itself is hard but had ADHD to it and it's a nightmare. Remember you do love him. Pick your fights with him and possibly make a board with consequences on it. I realize he may a little old for this but he would clearly be able to see his results without you having an argument because you can point it out to him then walk away. My older children hated losing their bedroom door when they were disrespectful and rude. They learned quickly when I met business. They always had the privacy of the bathroom for dressing, etc.... maybe talk to the school counselor on what you can do.


Ann - I am right there with you. My stepson is 14 and was recently diagnosed with ADHD. He is on medication for the first time and things are really starting to come around. That said, I agree 110% with Toni's post here. Your son needs consequences. I understand the need to have positive reinforcement (especially for an ADHD child) but you could take a lot of the anger out of the equation if you had clear and present consequences that were consistently and fairly enforced. We also take the door off of the bedroom when no other consequences are producing results. It is the most effective punishment for a teenager in my opinion, next to turing off the cell phone and limiting/eliminating computer time. Just lay out the consequences and enforce with little to no discussion. And, don't undertake a discussion when he is out of control or you are out of control. You both need to settle down first so that you have any chance of talking "eye to eye". Good luck!

[deleted account]

First of all let me say, that sometimes we just simply don't like our children - actually their behavior. I believe it happens to all parents at some point in a child's life, so please stop feeling bad about yourself for the way you FEEL. It is more important the way you TREAT him and that you never stop LOVING him. I have raised a great 23 year-old daughter and now a 5 year-old with ADHD and I can say it doesn't matter. At times, I don't LIKE either one of them - really their behavior and I'm sure they don't like me at times, but I do LOVE them and that is what is most important.



Please tell your son over and over that no matter how badly he treats you, which by the way you should NOT accept, you will ALWAYS LOVE HIM. He is testing you and has found your weakness. He knows that if he treats you nasty, you will give him his way - that is his pay off.



You are not losing it. You are experiencing what all parents go through, except 10 times more intense because of his ADHD. If you don't wish to seek counseling, please try to stay focused on the small things you do like about him - anything even if for today, it might be the color of his eyes. Then move forward with that.... small steps.



Take care of yourself - eat well balanced meals, move your body, get enough sleep and find activities that you enjoy, so that you feel fulfilled as a woman. Then you can focus more on being a great mom. I will pray for you and your son that you can find some peace and common ground.



Victoria

Ellie - posted on 11/19/2009

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Sweetie been there done that. Sad but true. It's not any easy position to be in. I have said the same to and about my Son, just try to remember, you may not like him right now, But am truly sure you do LOVE him! One time out of many go-arounds such as the ones you are experiencing my son told me "Do you think I like being this way"? That was a lite-bulb moment for me, though it was a very long time that things got even close to being better, I always kept that in the back of my mind. God Bless you & your Son. My prayers are with you. Will check back in later.

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Ruth - posted on 10/20/2013

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My son is 8 and recently diagnosed with ADHD. I feel sorry to see him struggle to do many things that his peers can accomplish easily. Why is life so unfair?

Glendalilugo - posted on 05/24/2012

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Omg!! You are talking about my child.. i have 14yr old boy too with ADHD and he makes me not want to come home. He is the biggest bully ever to his two siblings. He is now refusing to take his medication and doesn't care. You are so not loosing your mind, trust me.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/24/2012

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My little guy is 8 and just diagnosed. He is going through the worst time ever! My heart constantly breaks because he is not accepted by his peers, teachers and family members. He cries almost every day because he gets into trouble and hates it. I think it is so very sad that in todays day something like this is so hard for people to grasp or understand. I struggle with him to keep him organized, focused and on track. I am his support and biggest advocator. Why is it that I am the one that constantly calls the school because of things that are happening there. Talking about how to handle all kinds of different situations, strategies and scenarios. I have taken it upon myself to research and learn everything I can about ADHD but it never seems to help me with his next dilemma. I actually read today that as boys with ADHD grow up and hit their teens this will happen, where they start taken it out on family members, but especially moms. My heart sank. I love this kid and it would probably kill me to have that happen. My strategy is just going to be “Love him and make sure he knows I love him"

Tinacox89 - posted on 05/22/2012

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Hi my name is Tina, I have a 12 year old grandson I have been raising for 9 years, I actually think I am loosing my mind, I used to get treated with respect from him, he is horible, I have had the worst year of my life, we both yell at each other, he is so mean to me I cry often over this he also has adhd, he just went on stratera for this, it has done nothing, he is lazy, tells me no. my boyfriend of 5 years, said today he hated him, that hurts so bad but zach has been so ugly and mouthy, never has he done this, I told him and I hate myself for it but I told him he needs to be put in a hospital till he gets a grip, he is not a small boy at 12 either, i cannot even give him a spanking, but man I think thats what he needs, he is evan using foul language with his friends, I am a nosy grandma, I have listened and the sad thing is he is the only one using it. I want to leave and never come back it has now been a year, I do not know what else to do, I fear I am going to one day be homeless because of him, If someone hates him then they hate me also, Zach comes before any one else, I just cannot reach him he is in his own world but only 12, I am a little scared.

Nicole - posted on 11/27/2009

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wow my eight year old is the same way. i thought i was not doing my job as a parent and that somewhere i went wrong. people are always giving me looks in the store because of his temper tantrums and his nasty mouth and how disrespectful he is. i always tell my boyfriend that i dare any one of those people to say something to me cuz i will tell tem you take him for a week and tell that it would be different for you. it is to the point where i have him enrolled in a day treatment service. he goes for 3-4 hours mon.-fri. he just started and i feel really good about it. there are like 4 different kinds off therapies and group sessions with other kids like him and 1 on 1 with a therapist and once a week there is a family couseling session.

Joan - posted on 11/22/2009

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Take a parenting class, not saying that you are not a great mom but fresh ideas can help ease the tension. Go to counseling or start small find one thing so matter how small to compliment him on each day. If he has that much residual anger then maybe his meds are not working or he may need meds to get through this part of his life. Its hard but there are times I feel that way with my six year old (I know it sounds horrible) but being a parent is not easy and then you mix different abilities in and its even more challenging. Put your chin up and take charge do not allow him to walk on you even if that means seeking outside help.

Karen - posted on 11/22/2009

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Hi, I can only say that I feel for you and am also as so many others in a similar situation with my daughter. The best thoughts I can come up with for myself are simply that I do not always have to "like" her and she does not always have to "like" me. As long as I know that I am doing my best and that my job aside from loving her is be sure that she becomes a good person in the end, then I pray and hope that in 10 years we will like each other all the more for it. ~good luck!

Tina - posted on 11/20/2009

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i have felt that way as well i have just kept my head up high and just took away things that they liked and i also tried talking to them when everything was calm and told them how i felt but i know it is hard but dont give up good luck!

Pamela - posted on 11/20/2009

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hang in there it truly isnt ur son that you don't like, it's his behavior.

my son is only & year old and his favorite word is NEVER. everytime he says that word in a mean manner he loses toys. well lets just say i have a storage full of toys and an attitude that isnt going anywhere. its gotten to the point where i hate picking him up from school cause i know what im coming home to. when he gets mad he throws things, screams all the time and never does the simplest things i ask of him like aim in the toilet. everyone ive been to tells me im sure the same u heard but still nothing works on him.

i know im not much help but im here if u need to chat, it helps me to know im not alone.

Luna - posted on 11/20/2009

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I am so sorry to hear that. You need to separate your son from his behavior. It it not your son you do not like, but his behavior that bathers you so much. Your son needs to know that too, that you love him but his behavior that ticks you off!
I'm pretty sure he does not like his own behavior either!!!!
You need to cut yourself a little more slack! It is OK to dislike his behavior, and it is OK that you as a human sometimes cannot separate your son from his behavior.

Hang in there, give yourself a 5 minute timeout to gather your thoughts and tell him that is what you are doing. Say like: "Listen, we are really worked up and we are hurting each other right now, so I'm going to take a 5 minutes so we both can cool off".

Like Amy wrote, CHADD support group or counseling either separatly or together could be a good thing!!

Take care!

Krista - posted on 11/19/2009

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I am going through the same with my 11 year old and am very aware of the fact that once puberty really starts to hit, his behavior is going to get worse before it gets better. I find myself yelling at him everyday, especially in the morning before school. There are a few things I try to do: first and formost I do not allow him to disrespect me in anyway and he has his precious things taken away from him if he does. He loses time on the pc or playstation, or is grounded, or his fav. toys are taken away. I know the disrespect is going to get worse, so I'm trying to be firm now. If it gets to were I know I'm going to say something nasty, I tell him he's not allowed to talk to me. Also, my husband and I try to do something with one of us and just him, to show him he is special to us. Even if it's just playing a game of cards or going to the movies. We try to balance the yelling with talking, and reinforcing we love him. It's really amazing how different he is from his four year old brother who takes instruction so well.

FARHANA - posted on 11/18/2009

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Hi, I feel for you bcos I also am going thru something similar. My lttle man is only 10, is epileptic, ADHD & has mood disorder. There are days when I dont want him near me, bcos there is constant battles from the time he gets up til he goes to bed. I also feel guilty for feeling this way. It doesnt help when the hormones start kicking in as well! Hang in there, seek counselling, my son goes for play therapy once a week and sometimes being told by a professional that its quite normal & you are doing the best you can under the circumstances helps a lot. All the best & take care of yourself!

Diana - posted on 11/17/2009

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hi, i can understand where you're coming from, my son has adhd, i found that picking your battles has helped me, i know it isn't easy but i thought about what i am willing to accept and what was important to me. above all i used my sense of humour to deal with things. it is hard to stay positive when there is so much negativity to deal with. i found learning about the condition usefull too as it made it easier to understand why he behaved in a certain way. it also made it easier to destinguish between what is normal teenage behaviour and what he generally couldn't help. this is important as adhd doesn't mean they should get away with things. i try and avoid getting into arguments but say what needs to be said and end the discussion there. then try and talk to him when everyone has calmed down. most important remember you are not alone, there are many of us out there all going through similar things. xx

Helen - posted on 11/17/2009

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You have to stay positive! I am going through the same thing at the moment and even he comes to give me a cuddle I cringe. I find myself being embarressed by him when we are out and just want to walk away. Just try to remember they only hurt the ones they love the most, because they feel safe. I wish you every bit of luck with this situation. Take care Helen

Toni - posted on 11/17/2009

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raising a teenager in itself is hard but had ADHD to it and it's a nightmare. Remember you do love him. Pick your fights with him and possibly make a board with consequences on it. I realize he may a little old for this but he would clearly be able to see his results without you having an argument because you can point it out to him then walk away. My older children hated losing their bedroom door when they were disrespectful and rude. They learned quickly when I met business. They always had the privacy of the bathroom for dressing, etc.... maybe talk to the school counselor on what you can do.

Laura - posted on 11/17/2009

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I'm so sorry! I went through a similar phase when my daughter was 3. Every day was a battle and I would start worrying before she even woke up. What helps me is thinking about how I don't like her bad behavior/choices, but that she really is a good girl under it all. She's 6 now and still has her defiant days (like, today, when she sat by the side of the road and refused to come home). I try to let it be her problem as much as possible. If she can't be nice to me, then she can't be around me. I really don't know how that relates, if at all, to a teenager. My daughter loves her therapist and it is really great to talk these things through. Another thing that helps us is to plan a special outing, about once a month, for just the two of us.

Amanda - posted on 11/17/2009

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Are either of you seeing a councellor you respect and trust? Sometimes if helps if both of you can be a mediator for you. My son will be 16 in January and has had a really rough life the past 5 years. I had gotten to the point you are at when he was 10 and sent him to live with his birth father who he really didn't know very well other than he was a good play buddy. Well, since he has been out there, he has ended up with a traumatic brain injury thanks to his father's irresponsibility. A year ago after Ike hit our state, his father called me and told me he had run away and that he was at a halfway house. Well come to find out that he hadn't run away, he had been told to get out of the house and his father called him in as a runaway. Nice dad, eh? Well since this point in time he has been under a CHINS order by the state which essentially puts him in DFS custody but I am still the managing parent with full custody. He has been in his current residential treatment center in Colorado so that he can get his behaviors under control in conjunction with the seizure disorder he now has. He is also an indigo child who was diagnosed with ADHD @ 5 years old. He is brilliant but can't slow down enough to complete work very easily. We are doing family councelling over the phone and I talk to him every day. I am thrilled with the people working with him now because let me tell you, just because you have a sign on your door that says you are of the medical community and you are "qualified" to councel a child or prescribe medications, doesn't mean you are going to be thorough enough to REALLY look into a child and see what the root of his problems are. My son is actually no longer classified as ADHD, he is classified as having ODD,PTSD, and has problems trusting and believing people care about him and all of this I can thank his dad for. We also found out that when his dad found his new girlfriend, he essentially left our son to live by himself 4-5 days a week while he stayed with his girlfriend 30 miles away.

So after all this mumbling...I think the main point I want to get across to you is find someone to talk to. If it weren't for the clinician he has now, we wouldn't be anywhere close to aclimating him back into our home much less getting along because he resents me for putting him in RTC, but he is working out his issues and I have her to thank for it. Plus knowing the stress you are under because I absorb stress like a sponge, you need someone YOU can talk to that will listen and not judge you.

Karmen - posted on 11/16/2009

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I so know what you are going through! I am going through that right now with my son & he is only 12. Not only is he this way to me but he is this way to his 14 yr old sister & 7 yr old brother. I don't know what to do any more. Everyday is a challenge for me to survive his behavior. & of course no amount of talking to him will change it. I am so hoping that this is just a phase & some day it will end...

Melanie - posted on 11/15/2009

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I understand you feelings, sometimes I get real resentful too and really hate motherhood-it's not as rosey as I thought it would be. I find relief by scrapbooking. I take a lot of pictures when we are doing something fun together (now usually nothing is completely fun because there is a tantrum or something but if we go somewhere we usually have some fun). My son loves to look through the albums and reminice. He totally forgets about the times when he told me he hated me or whatever. It's like a flash of emotion and when he's over it, he's over it, and thinks I should be too. I too cry and explain that it hurts to be talked to that way and he wouldn't want to be talked to that way. I tell him I love him but hate his behavior, it's important to seperate that. It's like chipping away at an iceberg but it's the only way I can get through to him. He is making change, slowly. It's been like this since he was 2 literally but it is getting better. It's easy to blame yourself and feel like a bad mother because our experience is so far beyond what other moms face. Know you are not alone and it can get better. Celebrate and cherish the small good times. Maybe find a hobby that you can do together. it won't always be fun but sometimes it will. 14 is a rough age to try to find common ground. Maybe take a class together or something. Good luck!

Misty - posted on 11/15/2009

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Hello Ann, I also have a 14yr old son. I know exactly what u mean. Try to pick and choose your battles...say he wants to go to a friends house and u know he hasnt done his homework or his chores instead of making him do them first because u know he will scream about it tell him he needs to be home at a certain time. don't tell him why either. make sure you have his friends phone number so if he is late u can call and see if he is still there or not and if so remind him he needs to come home. If he comes home on time remind him he has homework or chores to do before dinner.

Laurie - posted on 11/15/2009

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I have a 10 year old going through the same thing. I keep trying but it really makes me upset. His counselor says he says these mean and hurtful things to make me be quiet. It is so hard. I am a single parent also which means I am the only one in the house. Thank goodness for my parents who live close by because they help alot.

Chantal - posted on 11/14/2009

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sometimes we all go through stages with our kids and thats a difficult age on top of that having ADHD. But remember arguing with him is not getting any of you anywhere. also I would reccomend you look up about relationship and boundries..I also would recommend counseling...he may seem as he doesn't like you and doing all these things could be a reaction to his enviroment. just because a child reacts negative sometimes its a cry for help. your both in a negative pattern which is not healthy..I hope things get better for you. there is always hope..even when things are dim

[deleted account]

i know exactly how you feel and it's nice to know i am not the only one who feels this way also. my son is 8 and is getting worse everyday. I love him to no end but he is pushing every ounce of my strength... we're suppose to go to childrens hospital for some evaluations and go from there.. my son and i use to be very close but it seems the older he gets the more he is drifting away from me. just keep a positive attitude even when it seems hopeless

Vivianrene - posted on 11/14/2009

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Hang in there and stay in prayer ( what ever works for YOU) and try counseling etc... I also found help with a newsletter LD online (LD= learning disability) and they have alot of info on ADHD,ADD Autism,etc Best wishes to You & Your Son

[deleted account]

don't be too hard on yourself. and remember, that it's not your son that you don't like, it's his behavior.

Amy - posted on 11/13/2009

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Oh, I'm so sorry! It is a daily struggle isn't it! Have you tried counseling or is there a CHADD support group in your area? Hang in there!

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