lack of understanding for consequences

Sarah - posted on 01/05/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I have a 12 year old SD with ADHD and right now we are having a huge problem with her taking responsibility for her actions and then excepting the consequences. Even when she knows she has done something that she shouldn't have she never thinks that it is her fault. It is always because of something someone else did. She also doesn't seem to understand that things have consequences, like she is never rational about her actions because she never thinks far enough of the way through to understand what the outcome is going to be. I just worry because she gets really angry sometimes and we have a 1 year old and I am afraid that she might hurt one of us without thinking about what will happen. Is that crazy? I don't know what to do......

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Donna - posted on 01/28/2009

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Try and look up a course by the name of Life Space Crisis Intervention.  It is all about teacvhing the child to assume responsibility, consequences without being sucked inot thier web, and doing this without a crisis on your hands.  It is offered thru most colleges, you can also ask your doctor, or a parent info group around your area.  You dont have to be in college to take it either.

Janet - posted on 01/28/2009

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Negative consequences don't work for my son. If I took away his video games, he'd use the computer. If I take that away he plays with his camera or his phone etc etc. He just moves on to something else. I found if I spin everything to be a positive it works for him.

If you do your homework you "get" to play video games. Instead of, if you don't do your homework you can't play video games. This way he is rewarded for doing his homework, he has incentive and feels good about himself. Very simple but for some reason it works. Its all about the "positive" spin on it. My son is almost 16 and over the past 10+ years we have done a ton of reward motivators with him. We constantly were changing them since he'd get bored with them. Whatever works on him.

Josephine - posted on 01/28/2009

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I have a son with ADHD and he is 13 years old. I have been fortunate to find a great therapist and my son is on the Daytrana patch and zoloft. The medication helps him alot. When he is off the meds he is a completely different child. But we have learned on how to deal with his outburst and we still deal with the issues of expecting consequences. The one thing I know for sure is that when all hell breaks loose the best thing to do is put them in their room and walk away. If you stay there and argue and try to speak to them. They do not hear you and they feed off the yelling and screaming. When I have walked away he calms down on his own. Believe me it took a long time for me to figure this out and with the help of therapist. Once they calm down it's easier to talk to them. There is no cure or definite answer for this it's all a process and just like how we as mothers try to deal with them. They too have a hard time dealing not just with us but with themselves.

Michelle - posted on 01/06/2009

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hi sarah i know wot your saying im having the same problem with my 12 year old son nothing he dose is ever his fault and like you SD when he has to take the consequences he gets very angry but thats all part of the ADHD so ive been told is she on meds for her ADHD im in the same boat as you really havent got a clue wot to do its really hard because you know its part of the ADHD but it dosent help at the time when all hell has broken out over something they have done but i think finding somethink that helps us deal with it better would help them to in the long run

Sonja - posted on 01/05/2009

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I also like "Parenting with Love and Logic" as it has the same themes about figuring out what is really your child's problem and how to make it their problem, not yours.

Corrie - posted on 01/05/2009

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I work with kids that have ADHD and have my own two little gems that struggle with it. This is a very common problem. I suggest you get the book "Common Sense Parenting" from Boys Town Press. It isn't the cure-all but is one of the best books in this area. It gives very simple tactics that you can use to help kids learn the cause and effect of their behavior. However, the key factor is always that you and your husband are on the same page, so you will want to make sure that you are both doing the same thing. It may be a while before she agrees or will admit that things are her fault. She just needs to know that wether she thinks it is her fault or not, there will be consequences (both positive and negative) for her behavior. If you can't find the book, let me know. I can get you one. Good luck.

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