Negative/nasty comments

Carolyn - posted on 01/25/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone. I cannot tell you how happy I am to have found a place like this!
I have a 5yr old daughter who has just recently been diagnosed with ADHD(sh'e a text book case I have been told over and over again)
My question is:.....what have you all said to people who have been saying nasty hateful things about your child(due to ignorance) and about your apparent terrible mothering skills. Because apparently ADHD does NOT exist to some people and your child is merely poorly brought up and not disciplined properly ie. not smacked enough.

Another question: What do all of you do when you have just had enough of your childs moods and energy because I will admit at times I snap and shout at her to " just be quiet for a bit" and "leave mommy alone". I cringe when I rehash the day in my mind in the evening but cannot help myself in that moment in time.
I found I was more able to cope before I had my 2nd child recently.

any feedback would be greatly welcomed

carolyn

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Carolyn - posted on 01/27/2009

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Thanks alot guys for replying. You have been helpful.



I too was blamed for her ADHD, as if its a sort of catchy disease. I was told I must have been using drugs or smoking or something to have "damaged" my daughter. I immediately tossed her to the curb  and went to another dr...we are still getting to know her and "feeling" her out .



The thing with the comments is that only recently I found out that my daughter and I have been a major topic amongst the moms I thought were my friends. When I tackled them on it they mentioned that they were just concerned and actually didn't feel comfortable having Katy interact with their kids. I was splitting blood at such ignorance, selfishness and stupidness that I considered giving them a piece of my mind but I practiced restraint(which is hard for me) and decided to forgive them their silliness.I still get a little upset but its good to know we are not alone and others have been in the same boat and have come out ok.



 



thx again



Carolyn

Sondra - posted on 01/25/2009

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Hello Carolyn,



Your daughter is a wonderful gift,  just like my Samantha is to me.  I have been dealing with a few parents making all kinds of comments about my 8 year old daughter.  I am thankful for her, God chose to give her to me and I love every bit of her, the good the bad and the ugly.  Trust me I have heard it all,  I have been told that I must have drank while i was pregnant with her to have ADHD and ODD.  Well I didnt and Samantha is an A student, so I have to take it that they think that they have a perfect child.  But if they took the time to do some research they would learn that ADHD people on average have higher IQ's, are able to ajust to stress better in different situations and are your most successful people in all aspects of life.  If you are having problem with what people are saying then just change the people you are around.  There is nothing wrong with your child,  we are all different,  you don't have to like everyone and thats OK.  Just listen to your heart and your daughter,  people are going to talk, thats human nature, just ignore them, they don't know any better. LOL  You can't beat ADHD out of a child.  Hope you have a great week.

Pam - posted on 01/25/2009

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Mira,excellent advice,i agree that you need to remind these little ones that you indeed love them bunches,even though you are angry at that moment doesnt mean that you dont love them,children with this type of disorder usually are very emotional,so it is very important that you explain to them why you are upset and that its ok to be upset,but its better to have mommy talks when you are calm,this will avoid the guilty feeling after the fact,i always explain in great detail to all of my childeren [4] not only the 2 with adhd why the situation went were it did and how we can fix a solution to make sure that it doesnt get that way again,after a time out always remeber to remind them why they have been there,send them off with a hug a kiss and there homework,by this i mean ask them to think about what they could do better next time to avoid the time out ,and actually go back to it at some point to see if they came up with anything,and if they did well rewards are in favour for them whether it be just a pat on the back telling them they have done a good job and that you are proud of them or an extra privledge what ever the case may be acknowledge that they have found a problem solutuion,this will not only show them they are able to do this but that they also have some control over the situation the next time around.......best of luck to you all

Pam - posted on 01/25/2009

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Hello Carolyn,iam a mom of two childeren who have adhd severly.....and you know what you will always come across people who make these uneducated comments on these kids,these are types of people who are not actuallt in touch with reality and people who dont see past there noses,my advice to you is that when you hear comments like this being made you could just very politly tell these people that,your child in fact has a disorder that always doesnt allow them to make the best choices or to be in control at alltimes,and that it is in fact ana ctual chemical imbalance that they really have no control over,and you as there mom are trying your very best to make there future as bright as possible,and mayby they should futher educate themselves on these types of things before they go and make comments that are really out of there league,i know this may sound rude ,but in all honesty it is very rude to make comments about something you know nothing about,and people should not be so quick to judge others,but not everyone in this world has that common respect or knowledge not to say nothing when you really you dont know nothing,i have heard all the rude comments and in all honesty they make me angry,but i guess ya gotta always be the better person and just enlighten people on how things really are,as far as shouting goes i think all parents are guilty of this,and ya know patience is a virtue....literally and they will come in time,as long as you are doing the very best you can you are already on the right path,dont sweat the small stuff you will learn this over time,and soon all this tuff will be nothing,the old saying goes piece of cake right,well you to will say that,good luck.

Mira - posted on 01/25/2009

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I feel your pain. Regarding the nasty comments, my five year old was recently diagnosed but I have been hearing from professionals in his life since he was 2 that he too is text book ADHD. Our family and friends however are not so kind. Back handed comments hurt like heck - let them slide off. If you can think of a way to educate the nasty person, go for it, but only if you can do it in a positive light. They say, "Why can't your child sit still?!" You respond, "What I wouldn't give to have that kind of energy, I could really do some good in this world. Her boundless enthusiasm makes me smile every day." That type of thing.



And, about the flying off the handle. We all have our days. Do your best when in the moment to stay calm. Remember it is not your or your child's fault, you both do the best you can and you teach her all you can all day long. If you do scream, be sure to apologize after you have both taken a time out to calm down (time outs are not punishments in our house, just a moment to calm down). Explain your frustration and be sure you tell her you love her even when you get mad, no matter what - YOU LOVE HER!!!



Good luck and stay the course. You sound like you are on the right road.

Nicole - posted on 01/25/2009

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Luckily, I have had to endure any nasty comments, lately. My son, who has ADHD, is now 9, but, when he was 3-5, I heard it often. And, mainly by daycare workers, and/or teachers at his very first school, whcih, we moved him from, 4 years ago. Since then, no comments, only good ones. It has everything to do with his surroundings, his teachers, etc. The school he attends, has wonderful staff, everyone knows what ADHD is, well aware of how to interact with the kids on a positive note. Quite frankly, way back, when we did get nasty or negative things said, I sent a letter to the administrator of the daycare. Eventually, I just made a decision to move him, b/c obviously they had him labeled. His first year at the old school was a nightmare. His teacher apparently only wanted cookie cutter kids, or girls, in her class. We fought her through the principal, but, the principal seemed to take sides with the teacher. Once, he was 6, and, we placed him with a better public school on reassignment, he has done nothing, but, improve. And, never any nastiness, from the ones that should be the most nurturing of your child.

I do not have to do this much anymore, b/c he is older and more mature with his actions. But, when he was younger, I would tell him to go sit in his room, and, calm down. When I saw he was calm, and, heard he was calm, he could come back downstairs. We did a rewards chart, for a while there, too. I hope you get great response from other mothers, I know and recall how terribly challenging it is. And, mine was always the red flag in a room. I remember always wondering why we did not have a normal acting child, like, everyone else. My husband and I would sit and wonder how he was this way, but, neither of us were like this as kids, so, what happened? But, it gets better. With age, and, the right meds, right doctor, and, of course a good school with trained teachers...it totally improves. Keep your chin up.

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