No friends/social activites

Shannon - posted on 12/20/2012

This sounds like my 10 year old exactly. He doesn't get what he's doing wrong, and I feel for him because I can't get him to understand how he comes off to other kids. It breaks my heart to find that he isn't making friends. I wonder somtimes if putting him with another kids with the same issues, would help him socially. Right now he is at Pikes Peak Pathways, and I'm disappointed with that school. He came from a similar one in Ohio, but they had homework, and were held accountable for their actions. It was a great system. Here they have no homework, they do math together. It doesn't seem to challenge him, and that's our goal, to challenge him, since he's very smart. My husband and I are at our wits end because of his behavior at home. He doesn't seem to care that his actions have consequences. His father, my ex used to physically punish him, call him names, etc when he was misbehaving. We don't do that. We are sometimes pushed to our limits because of the things he says or does. Like I hate it here, I hate you, I wish I could live with my dad. Etc. When we asked him if he wanted to live with his dad, he says no. We ask him how his dad would react to his behavior, and he said he'd knock me around, I said ok, so why do you listen there and not here, he said because he fears his dad, and not us. How do you make your son have a healthy fear of you with out the physical punishment? We have a card system in place right now, from the book "Postive Parenting with a Plan" and it works sometimes, but mostly, it doesn't. He just refuses to do the cards, so he sits in a corner until he decides to do the cards. Most nights he just sits there until it's time for dinner, and then goes back and waits until bed time. The entire time though he is making some kind of comment under his breath, or making that "MMM!" sound. The one that says "i'm not going to do anything you ask me to, and you can't make me". I'm at my end, and I know my husband is also. The thing is we have a 10 month old we have to watch out for. I don't want him to copy his big brother's behavior.

Help!

Shannon

Stephanie - posted on 11/20/2012

My son is 9 and has Aspergers. He has a couple of friends that also have Aspergers. They parallel play to their hearts content. On the other hand, neurotypical kids get sick of him because he has limited interests and does not share well. I am working on this with him and I feel it will improve as he matures, however, I do feel that he is who he is, and I'm happy to let him enjoy his comfort zone for the most part.



All your daughter needs really is to find just one little girl to play with. Someone she gels with. I wish you well. I know it's a worry.

Shell - posted on 11/15/2012

My 15 year old daughter has so many problems. She has been medicated, been to counseling and had help with weight management. We put her in Martial Arts when she was 9 hoping that she would really learn some discipline and enjoy it and she loved it until someone else moved ahead quicker than her and then...poof -- "I don't want to go anymore, it's boring!" It seems like it is this way with every activity she joins and with any new program that we try to help her socially and to deal with her problems. She was diagnosed with "mood disorder" when she was 12. She has been a difficult person since before she was 2. Tantrums still look like a 2 year olds. She is extremely overweight and will not do anything to help herself. Sneaks food at school and eats off others plates and refuses to exercise. I confronted her one day about eating other people's food and she was furious!! I am at a loss as to what to do. I have thought about seeking help with a holistic doctor, but I hesitate because we have spent our life's savings on trying to help her with counseling and medication and she refuses to help herself with anything that they teacher her.

Leeann - posted on 10/26/2012

Candice I was thinking that my self. My 10 yr old is DX high functioning autism, tourettes, ADHD and anxiety disorder. Once you get over the shock of hearing "autism" and you learn about high functioning/ Asperger syndrome your can reach out for skill lessons. They don't see the social situations like we do. They are not rude, uncaring, and what people see on the surface, they are seeing things in black and white, no grey area, overly honest and often not showing empathy. The book The Hidden Curiculum is a good perpsective. And perspective is a lot of their issue is! When issues happen they can't deal with them at that time, but after they can quite often tell you what they could/should of done but not in the moment.even when those skills have been taught. Look into it life becomes better when you know whats going on!

Nonie - posted on 10/24/2012

Sports is the answer. My son doesn't have a very active social life either because one day he can be really nice and the next he can be totally mean. It gets so that the kids don't know what to expect that day and get leary of getting the mean kid if they invite him. He can handle going to their house on a good day but it's a big disaster if someone younger and smaller than him comes over and wants to play with his special toys. Someone his age or older he will trust with some of them but only the ones he feels like sharing. When he goes over to their house I either need to know they know how to handle a child with adhd or I need to be present hanging out with the other adults while they have play time. We had a successful sleepover once at age 9 with him at his friend's house, who also has adhd. The catch was that I slept on the couch because we needed both parents to be there if there was a blow out on either child to pull them aside and take them to a different space and truthfully no one knows your kid's trigger to a bigger problem signals than you. Part of the problem is that no matter how your child may appear like they know it all and trully don't care, because of their blow outs they do have really low self esteem inside. It's not like they purposely want to break that toy, it's that they get so angry they can't control their anger and the outlet is to break the toy. Then afterwards they sometimes do feel a bit bad about it even if they don't want to show it. If someone is always telling them they are doing something wrong then they start to beleive all they do is stuff wrong. If you find something they can do right and not get in trouble for when they are very active or very out there, like a type of sport, then they can feel better about themselves and know they can do good. Find your local PACER program. There you will find other parents who understand and there she will find other friends who understand her as well and won't run away if she has a melt down. Also, the reason I said sports is because it's not at anyone's house, nothing can really get broken, they are constantly running around and so she can wear out energy safely, they still do pizza events and end of the year banquets, and she gets out of the house and form friendships off of everyone's turf so it's not such a mine type of thing. My son is very selfish. The whole world revolves around him. If he breaks something of someone else's it doesn't matter but if I then take his toy and give it to that kid to replace it holy hell breaks loose and we then have an issue. If another kid gets hurt because he bumped into them oh well, but if he hurts him or someone bumps into him then he gets really mad and wants to go after them. It's his time, his toys, the music he wants to listen to, the television show he wants to watch, his everything and no one else's stuff is important. It's an empathy issue and all you can do is try to have them think that if you did that to them how would they feel. The problem with that is that they have a hard time identifying their own feelings in words to any real extent beyond mad and happy how do you explain the feelings and wants of others to them. My son has a friend 2 doors down that he rides bikes with and that child and their parents have accompanied me and my son to the movies once. It will never get to be a best friend type of thing but he does have a neighborhood hang out friend. The name thing is that I think she's just paying attention. Since it's not important to her and about her then she doesn't care what their name is. It could also be that when they were talking she was distracted. When I talk with my son and ask him questions about his day unless it's something that really interests him he really doesn't care about it. When I talk about cars then he remembered everything that happened. My son's school has a social worker that takes 2 or 3 children into a smaller room once a week to work on the skill of playing together nicely and being empathetic and sharing with the other children. There again, that's where pacer comes in with their activities.

Melissa - posted on 10/24/2012

I really am so stunned to hear so many stories that sound so much like my own life Wanted to really announce that this site is very informative and comforting to those whom feel alone in any situation just hearing of others dealing with the same life makes life seem easier to live

Elizabeth - posted on 10/16/2012

Yes, my son had a lot of problems with social skills. I read an article the other day about how ADHD and social skills are not really talked about in the ADHD medical community. I have no doubt that my son's problems are due to his ADHD. Just like you said, he can be overwhelming to others at times and annoying. He doesn't seem to know when to stop, then other kids get annoyed and then angry and sometimes it escalates to a fight. We talk about it and talk and talk but it doesn't seem to get through to him. He is better about that now that he is a little older but his new issue is being argumentative. In his mind he is always right and he will argue with you until you just want to scream. Of course I do not allow arguing with me (mom). I just tell him that it is not open for discussion. It seems to almost kill him to close his mouth and walk away. We tell him that no one wants to be friends with someone who acts like they know EVERYTHING! This is just the latest challenge though. There have been others. I sometimes feel like he is never going to have friends. When we are in a social setting, I see him try to play with other kids and they end up just walking away from him. It makes me so sad. He is very upbeat though and it doesn't seem to bother him. He just moves on to find someone else. He does have a couple of friends that love him despite his annoying habits. Isn't that the kind of friends we want anyway? Those who love us with our faults.



I would say, talk to your daughter, keep trying to teach her and do the best you can. I also believe in therapy. I think it gets better with maturity and age. Kids can be cruel sometimes, they don't all have parents who try to teach them how to be kind and accepting. Just make sure she isn't being bullied. I am sure she will find a good friend or two. Keep in mind, we are all different.

Pintubi - posted on 10/15/2012

Sharon,

I know exactly how you may be feeling. My heart aches when I see my ADHD daughter of 12 years old be rejected by her peers, either because she is the stupid one in class, the one who cannot express herself well, or the one who does not know how to follow social rules. My daughter has improved as she has grown, but she always manages to her in trouble with what could be possible friends. She is always looking for a new one, and never tries to cultivate a relationship with a new friend. I wonder if she does not care, or if she just does not know how.

My daughter goes to a girls only skills, which as you may imagine, can be a real jungle for girls like ours, as they are always gossiped about, and nobody wants to be with them.

I see my daughter try hard to show me that she does have some friends at school. When there is a school activity, however, I always find out that what she has been telling me is not quite true. She is always by herself, and not part of the group, and I end up being the only friend there for her. She longs for a BFF; yet does not know how to keep them. She knows what the appropriate behavior is; yet she cannot behave appropriately. It is harder when you have an ADHD girls who knows what is appropriate, but cannot apply the rules to herself.

Doing role plays with my daughter sometimes helps, but because of the low capacity of her working memory, she ends up forgetting easily.

Joyce - posted on 08/06/2012

Oh, Alyssa...of course. This is a central issue to Aspergers, ADHD, Communications issues, etc. Our kids don't understand how to pick up on social cues; think the behaviors the see on TV are real, think that if they copy those, they will get the big laughs bc they hear big laughs. They don't realize that we laugh at the TV behaviors bc they are crass, rude, boorish, outrageous...NOT funny for a laugh. We laugh bc we know that in real life regular ppl don't do those things, but that ppl w/bad social skills do. Our kids think this is how to get the big laugh, not that they are the butt of the joke.



Also, our kids just really don't understand what make something funny either. Euphemisms, turns of phrase, idioms, etc., are wasted on them bc they don't see "tongue in cheek" comments are entertaining; nor do they get sarcasm.



Further, bc they have so many complicated things around them, they don't know how to communicate themselves properly, so their peers don't seem to get them either. Adults tend to make exceptions and understand, little kids find them fun to play with, but the peers seem to be forever-elusive.



Sometimes, our kids have issues with textures (clothing, food) or like to wear the same clothes repeatedly (it's a comfort thing); they may own the same outfit in different colors. Sometimes their quirkiness extends to not wanting their hair combed, liking the string hanging from their slacks, trying to talk you into avoiding the shower 2-4-5...times in a row, if possible, bc they feel comfortable the way they are now. Hygiene issues, esp for girls in puberty, can become a problem.



Our kids need repetitive practice situations in verbal and visual training / exchanges, where they can practice how to say hello / goodbye, without blowing up if the 2nd person says nothing. Our kids have expectations of a push-button world: I say: hello, so he will say: hello. They are not usually prepared for a non-response. They don't consider that maybe a person may have a sore throat or a cold, or didn't hear them, or feels down and may not want to talk today. Sometimes our kids can really rage abt not getting an expected response. The expect a script to be followed and when it isn't, they can disintegrate and their feeling become destroyed again bc they feel betrayed again.



So we start w/ simple scenarios. And watch for our kids to obey personal space and then saying something interesting like: I like the B-52 Bombers from WW2 bc the wing spans are 39.67235 feet and they have 3,943 bolts in them. Our kids tend to have peak interests to the point of ad nauseum and then only 1 interest at a time. It is very hard for them to seem interesting to other ppl regarding interests bc they don't tend to know how to do more than 1 thing at once.



Soooo, get your kid to talk abt general things IN COMMON; school, a fave or disliked teacher, HW projects, music groups, etc. it is just not a good idea to tell a kid like ours to vaguely say "something interesting" bc this is one of those reasons the peers don't get our kids!



Go slooooww. Definitely no sleep overs until your kid feels secure in the new friendship. Let it cultivate a bit where ever it is beginning; the bowling alley, the classroom, day care. And after time, maybe an hour or 2 at your house; but remind your child that when the friend is there, that's where the attention is and that s/he must walk a friend to the door to say good-bye and thank you for coming when the friend leaves. Do that for a while and move from there.



And then look for groups in your area for kids with ADHD. Check w/ your Dr to see whats/he knows. Good luck!



I'm a mom of 2 with ADHD and Asperger's. I also have both as does my husband. I taught HS Spanish and Lang Arts for 25 yrs to challenged or at risk students. My kids are 30 (married and working FT in her career) and 25 (finishing her career in a new state for a 2nd license) and working PT.

Lucy - posted on 08/05/2012

dont fit in kids?
wow! i have wished for it,,just for my son
for "regular kids' dont have much patience with my boy!
how did u find these kids?

Lucy - posted on 08/05/2012

my son is 11 and he is same way.
no friends..when he starts playing with a kid he ends up alone,,,is like,no one understands him so he chooses to be alone.
Plus he never gives me proper answer when i ask about his friends and or their names.

Jenn - posted on 07/28/2012

oh thank God I am not alone! my son is 12 with adhd and has no friends, hes quiet and smart and i figured last year it was just due to the fact that he was new to the middle school he was very popular in his elementary school but not at all now. Sigh....

Tina - posted on 07/27/2012

my daughter was dx with ADHD and ODD when she was 7 years old. She is 13 years old now. She takes Biphentin which works really well for her and doesn't keep her up. To get her involved her pediatrician recommended martial arts or army cadets. Teaches them self discipline. She is only a couple belts away from her black belt in Tae Kwan doe. It helped tremendously. I thought that I was going to cry the first time I saw her stand still without moving for 2 mins.

She did leave TKD for a short time and she wanted to try swimming with the swim team. It is individual but a team at the same time. She is excelling.

Her social skills seem to be declining. She always irritated her friends and sometimes becomes too much. To me she is like a steam roller. She intimidates or tries and becomes almost a bully persona. I have had to be ever present in her school and ever vigilant with whatever she does.

She is argumentative and can be manipulative. She is really smart and gets bored easily.

As the teenage years have begun I don't know whether to be scared or not. We have always had to keep a strict regimen to keep her on track as well.

Lika - posted on 06/17/2012

Unfortunately, it's through social interaction that your daughter will learn to be social. Try one of these safe groups, such as a faith group, or if signing up for equine therapy would help.

Michele - posted on 06/14/2012

dx = diagnose

Kellie - posted on 06/14/2012

My son often sits outside of the groups in order that he stays focused and he seems good with that. I think his perception of whether it is good or bad will depend greatly on the way others see it. ie, when all the kids are chattering and bothering you, you get to sit by yourself so they don't disrupt you! that's great, kids can be so noisy. then the child feels that they are privileged not outcast.

Katie - posted on 05/07/2012

Have you had her checked for Aspergers? My son sounds a lot like your daughter, only he is only 7. He is super smart, can be totally in his world and get all straight A's. But as soon as it comes to lunch or playground he's off in his world. So I tried to do play dates to get him to interact and also Boy Scouts, and I feel so bad. He thinks everyone is his friend, he gets in their face when he talks, no understanding of personal space, and he will go on and on about whatever hes thinking, even if the other kid could care less, and even tells him to stop. It hurts you to see it, but maybe you eed to contact the school and quickly to see if there are other kids like her. My son has a 1/2 hr a week where they get them all together (other AS Kids) and try to teach them how to see their world from a different perspective. That everyone is not like you and have different feelings and thoughts, remember empathy for them is a HUGE problem. I hope this helps, remember you sometimes have to tell the school and doctors your opinion for them even to check to see whats going on.

Melissa - posted on 05/06/2012

My 9 year old son has no friends and it breaks my heart. He irritates others and has only been invited to one party since being in school. I stopped pushing him tO make friends because he was stressing so much about it. I just try to point out things he could do different like playing their games or not wanting to lead all the time...... It so hard to watch. Best of luck tO you

Carolyn - posted on 05/05/2012

My son will be 10 in a few weeks. Last year was the first time more than 2 kids showed to his party. I am planning a party now and sure hope he is not disappointed. He has gotten involved in community theatre and is making friends with others that "don't fit in" not saying they are all ADHD but they are all a little different and he has been accepted where he hasn't been elsewhere. This has been the best thing for him, He has an outlet for his creativity and energy where he is not ignored or made fun of.

Joyce - posted on 04/30/2012

Hi, Alyssa! Perhaps there is more than ADHD? I was a teacher of students with mild LDs and I am the parent of 2 daughters, 29 and 25, both with ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome. Interestingly, my husband and I both share these DX's. So, I think I have a good perspective on what ppl go through. Missed parties, last chosen for the team, no one to sit with at lunch time or play with after school.



Does she find that her peers don't get her? Maybe she doesn't know the right way to approach ppl? Are her interests often one at a time and overboard? Are her perspectives on life issues seemingly like: "I see it this way, so why doesn't everyone else?"Does she have any tactile, hygiene or clothing issues; possibly elastic sleeves or a fabric bothers her; or it's easy to ignore brushing teeth, washing feet or even taking a daily shower; or she enjoys a specific outfit bc of its comfort? Does she not get sarcasm or jokes? If she is a bright student, does she feign other students for their lack of grades or understanding of concepts that come so easily to her? Or possibly she can't decipher a nickel from a quarter? Does she spend a lot of time on the computer, or read, rather than socialize or pursue any hobbies? If so, please ask a psychiatrist to test your girl for Asperger's.



Most Aspies have a very difficult time socializing bc they do not read or understand body language from peers. Often when they are told to say something interesting to someone they are meeting, they misinterpret and say something very overwhelming: "Did you know that the F-16 has 792 bolts on 1 wing?" rather than "HI, I'm _____! Are you new here?; Do you know anyone here?; How do you know _____?" for example. And then the follow-through is seemingly impossible, so onto the crazy statement, which will send the peer off.They are missing the important tool of reading body language, so they simply can't.



Read up on this and see if it applies to her and if you think it might, find a psychiatrist and ask for a DX. There is no cure, but there are coping skills and often through FB, etc., you can find Aspie groups in your area so she can find ppl like herself and possibly a comfort zone.



Just remember, there are many layers of A> Syndrome and no 2 are alike.



Best of everything!

Tina - posted on 04/29/2012

YES! My 17 year old daughter, dx at age 7, has had the same issues. She, too, never got invites to bdays, sleep overs, etc. I even had to watch her eat lunch alone at school where I teach. She seemed not to care, but after so many negatives in their lives, you know that it hurts. I know the feeling about how you think they just don't care. I think their blinders prohibit them from understanding/seeing how others view them. And yes to the selfishness, too!!! If you do a search for odd
When she was in grade school, she meet with a small group of kids working on social skills and it helped her self-esteem. Now that she has been in h.s., I wish we would have continued outside counseling over the years. The nearest one that specialized in adhd is over an hour away. I SO REGRET this decision now. Another hard part is the fact it is hard for me to enjoy spending time with her. We walk on eggshells at our house with her most of the time. I think more counseling would have helped with this, too.

She is so impulsive and annoying to others. When she is on meds, she is quieter and more focused, but stays to herself. Again, she seems not to care, but I think deep down inside, it has to affect her.
Last night, I watched her at after prom games (I was there running sumo wrestling with hubbie), and she was by herself most of the night...no date. Stuck to us most of the night, and when she did try to join a group, she was ignored. (I actually posted about this last night, too).


I am so glad I found your post. It's hard for others to understand what it's like to have an adhd daughter!
So, after all my rambling, some advice I could give to you is:
1. counseling for social skills (easier for them to hear ideas from 3rd party vs mom)
2. keep her involved in activities that build self esteem
3. help her find someone who is shy or a loner to build a friendship with-my daughter does much better with one
person at a time vs. trying to be a part of a group
4. research odd, too, you might find some of that information will help explain things

Tracy - posted on 03/08/2012

My son is 9 years old. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 4-5 and has been on meds (presently Vyvanse) since he was 6. We tried having him play soccer, but the whole team sports was frustrating for him. Luckily he also had an interest in gymnastics....and has flourished. He has been on the competitive team for 2 years now and for the second year in a row has qualified for the state championships. We're very proud of him, but most importantly, he's proud of himself.

We've also been told (should he lose interest in gymnastics) that karate is wonderful for kids with ADHD. It will teach him discipline, focus and respect.

I hope this info helps....it's always good to know there are other options besides traditional team sports and that others with ADHD are excelling in those sports. :-)

Daleen - posted on 02/20/2012

My son is almost 10 years old now. ADD and on a light dose of Ritalin & Lorien to counter the mood swings. It seems to work for him and academically he is doing well.He is exceptionally smart but used to get uncontrollably aggressive, also lacking in social skills....always ends up in disagreements , does not have many friends etc. He is smallish for his age, light & skinny. I enrolled him in a Wrestling Academy and what a world of good that has done him. The teacher is very good with the boys, very strict on good sportsmanship & discipline in the sport. He tolerates no bullying. Two therapists recommended wrestling to me, because it strengthens the body & also assists in spatial orientation. And it is very important for boys to have that kind of social interaction with their peers. And because it is a one-to-one activity he HAS to focus and be involved. (Group sports just kind of "lose" him...he wanders...). He has been wrestling for two years now, and he is getting really wiry & strong...and he loves it! He still gets into spats, but he is also learning to Win & Loose like a good sportsman.I also have a punch bag at home for him, when he feels like the "fury" is building up, I send him to the punch bag with his boxing gloves...it gets rid of all that pent-up frustrations & energy. My boy is going to be fine...no, he is going to be great!! :-)

Crystal - posted on 01/28/2012

My son is only 6 but that sounds exactly like him.. I'm trying though to teach him to not be selfish and to care about learning and knowing the other kids.. but as my son does have other issues.. the ADHD is the reason he has problems with kids at school. I don't have the answer yet, but I have faith things will work out and they are who they are for a reason!!!

Ilene - posted on 01/28/2012

We had a great week. A school function on Wednesday at a roller rink and so many kids were rolling by us saying Hi! to my son and he was saying hi back. Clearly he isn't incapable of having conversations. Yesterday we had a playmate at another classmates house too with two other boys in his class. I think in my son's case, he is just hyper in many ways and that tends to shy the kids away.

Ilene - posted on 12/11/2011

Definitely! My son is eight and in second grade. School is convinced he is autistic. I've had him evaluated outside of school by a licensed psychologist who says "He is Not Autistic". he is adhd and needs to learn how to be social. Everytime I talk with school or they talk with me as the case is usually, it is the same "he is autistic". Um, No. He is perfectly capable of carrying on a conversation and making eye contact..it is just that he is hyper, has interests which tend to not be ultra popular with the other kids (he excels at computers) but is not interested in sports, some of the more in movies, etc. I'm trying to get together with other families in his class but it is so had with so many kids in extra-curricular activities and vacations, etc. He doesn't seem to care, but the school personnel does.

Kim - posted on 11/09/2011

I'm new to this group. I have an 11 year old daughter that was diagnosed when she was five. I fought the idea of putting her on medication, the doctors and teachers won out... However, now at 11 she is still on medication, and we are looking at putting her on Stratera. Having said all of that, she too has no friends to speak of, she's not invited to sleepovers, parties, or any other social activity with kids the same age. When we go to church functions we are pretty much shuned. Mak attaches herself to any child any age if they show her attention. Her older cousins don't like spending time with her.. It's a life of isolation, or it seems that way. My heart breaks for her...
She has joined the middle school band and has joined the show choir... I hope some good will come from this.
I am very happy that I found this group, it's good to know I'm not the only one going thru this..

Angela - posted on 09/05/2011

My daughter now 13 is exaclty the same, she has a hard time making let alonoe keeping friends, It breaks my heart!! I just dont know what else to do either, she see's a counsellor as her father and I are seperated going on e7 ish years now. That was hard for her so she goes roughly twice a month to couselling. Any advice?

Lindsay - posted on 09/05/2011

My kids have social issues, however mine are both Autistic. It is sad to not see them really want to socialize. I'm not sure where you live but I know there are groups out there and someday camps that have children with these particular issues to learn how to socialize and get use to it. For some of these kids instead of just coming naturally to them they have to learn how to play and be around other people. Ask your doctor or the doctor that diagnosed the ADHD for advice and direct you to where these groups are in your area

Sonya - posted on 09/03/2011

If you don't mind me asking what is DX? My son has ADHD. but also has no social skills. Kids his age also turn away from him. Just wondering if there is something else there that i am missing.

Jennifer - posted on 07/10/2011

how is your girls sence they are older now? mmy boy are 14 months apart 1 is very out going lots friend. i put other in cansling very help full he has 2 one for talking and other for fun stuff. teaches how to deal with other kids and found him somthing he interested in gutar. i found he put his feeling in to songs. he is starting to make friends. aleast alot of girls. im just glad kinda comin out of that. it just one day at time.

Joyce - posted on 07/10/2011

@ Michelle...consider looking up Asperger's Syndrome on Google.

Joyce - posted on 07/10/2011

Yes, indeed! Sometimes a lack of social skills/activities comes with yet another condition called Asperger's Syndrome. Not saying all, just many. Look it up on Google and read abt it see if it applies to Katie at all and if you think some of it might, then have a talk with her doc. While it may seem frightening to possibly need to face another issue, it may be best to have an answer. Answers mean ways to cope, whereas no answers mean total confusion. Our own daughter, Christina wasn't diagnosed til her late teens bc of issues dealing with sever pre-maturity. Docs wanted us to wait to see her complete development before too many labels of this sort were given. Having been a teacher and then a teacher of the mildly LD later on, I was always watchful of her development. Her struggles were heavy, but the AS DX was a relief to us and to her. She also spent her childhood being openly overlooked, not bc of ADHD, but bc she was socially awkward, often saying the wrong thing or things other kids just didn't get. She works hard at trying to overcome her AS and with very much practice, she does a bit better each time. She has missed out on the elementary and teen parties, dating. And now, at 24, is just beginning to speak to peers and have small successes. Each step a simple success of its own! And it's very important to her to have gracefulness in this, so we go slowly. Same with activities...small and easy, step at a time. Even if the activities are beginner, we don't mind! They will build on later. As for the selfishness, it's also a common "trait" of Aspies; sometimes they believe, think, feel like if they understand something, or get/feel/see a perspective on something, it's bc it's obvious to them, so it likely obvious to everyone else, right? And then when it's not, they may feel like everyone else is just stupid and their brain functions must be higher functioning...which takes them then to new territory: I already know how, so why do I need to prove it? Thus, I figured it out on my own, so everyone should be able to. OR, I feel fine, why doesn't everyone else? OR, this is mine, why can't s/he have her/his own? Share? Why would I need to share? If I already have one, shouldn't everyone have one? They usually don't understand the big picture, cannot empathize. Think like this: any person w/ an LD comes to any task w/ an incomplete tool box. Whether it's a Math disability or ADHD, or a Communication LD, or AS, etc., something in the toolbox is missing. It may be found someday, down the pike or it may not. But one thing is for sure, this person did not ask for a missing tool box. Read, ask for help, try dancing, sports, small crafts and never worry if something is an epic mess in the eyes of others. Just know Katie keeps plugging away and you keep supporting her; your her advocate!

Nete - posted on 07/08/2011

how sad to read ....any chance maybe any of you live close enough to get your kids w these issues together ...

Andrea - posted on 07/08/2011

Are you involved in therapy or have any support from a health professional who can give you ideas how to deal with ADHD? I am sorry to be asking the questions, I don't have a child with ADHD just very active boys that I got assessed for ADHD, but I understand where you are coming from. My kids have a classmate in kindergarten that seems to be different. Both DH and I volunteer and we saw this and also how he is separated from the class and has separate activities for himself that he can do alone, while the whole class works as a unit on a task together. I feel so bad for this child. I am not sure if this is the recommended approach that works, or that the school doesn't have enough teachers to deal with him individually but there has to be something that works. Unfortunately I know this child never gets invited, everyone is afraid to deal with him, nobody know how. My boys like him for his quirkiness and jokes, we invited him but we were dreading that they would accept and he was sick so they canceled. We missed his birthday party a few weeks ago because we were on vacation. However his mom requested we have a play date. We will do that as we have only 2 boys (twins) and he has 2 more siblings. We think that will be plenty for a group. My long winded post is to ask you if you could design activities that he can do, you are the mom and you know how to deal with him, in your house you do what you want, you can tell the parents what you need. I think coming out and honestly telling others how you feel is half the battle, if you are there to support your child maybe other parents won't be so scared to visit. Can you be involved and direct him during the activities? Again these are questions I would expect a health care professional to answer for you and maybe you can get some ideas from there what you can do in a play date situation. I would keep it simple, stay in your home and invite just one or 2 kids and plan the activities. If everything else fails, do something active like throwing or kicking balls in the backyard, or jumping on a trampoline or jumping castle. I would keep trying though because you can model interactions and he should be able to pick up some skills even if it isn't a perfect solution. Repeat and repeat. You have to have a life too and so does your daughter. I am sure people will have lots of appropriate activities for your to try. We will see how we can help this family as well. There are people out there who won't mind that your child is a handful and can work with you, just tell them what you need. Good luck.

Andrea - posted on 07/08/2011

Are you involved in therapy or have any support from a health professional who can give you ideas how to deal with ADHD? I am sorry to be asking the questions, I don't have a child with ADHD just very active boys that I got assessed for ADHD, but I understand where you are coming from. My kids have a classmate in kindergarten that seems to be different. Both DH and I volunteer and we saw this and also how he is separated from the class and has separate activities for himself that he can do alone, while the whole class works as a unit on a task together. I feel so bad for this child. I am not sure if this is the recommended approach that works, or that the school doesn't have enough teachers to deal with him individually but there has to be something that works. Unfortunately I know this child never gets invited, everyone is afraid to deal with him, nobody know how. My boys like him for his quirkiness and jokes, we invited him but we were dreading that they would accept and he was sick so they canceled. We missed his birthday party a few weeks ago because we were on vacation. However his mom requested we have a play date. We will do that as we have only 2 boys (twins) and he has 2 more siblings. We think that will be plenty for a group. My long winded post is to ask you if you could design activities that he can do, you are the mom and you know how to deal with him, in your house you do what you want, you can tell the parents what you need. I think coming out and honestly telling others how you feel is half the battle, if you are there to support your child maybe other parents won't be so scared to visit. Can you be involved and direct him during the activities? Again these are questions I would expect a health care professional to answer for you and maybe you can get some ideas from there what you can do in a play date situation. I would keep it simple, stay in your home and invite just one or 2 kids and plan the activities. If everything else fails, do something active like throwing or kicking balls in the backyard, or jumping on a trampoline or jumping castle. I would keep trying though because you can model interactions and he should be able to pick up some skills even if it isn't a perfect solution. Repeat and repeat. You have to have a life too and so does your daughter. I am sure people will have lots of appropriate activities for your to try. We will see how we can help this family as well. There are people out there who won't mind that your child is a handful and can work with you, just tell them what you need. Good luck.

Teresa - posted on 07/06/2011

We have those issues here too except that Thomas is very well liked. He still overwhelms other kids but he is so much fun I guess they overlook it. Social skills are harder for ADHD kids because they are impulsive and don't think about others as much as a non-adhd child does.

Pat - posted on 07/04/2011

I feel the same way only my son is 11 with the same diagnosis. Best to do is to invite one friend over at a time. He rarely is invited for bday parties but this year I've started the one friend only play dates.

Sherry - posted on 07/01/2011

My daughter turns 12 tomorrow & she is ADHD. She was on 3 different types of meds through the school years. I have had her in different classes after school to get her involved more. Since last August I took her off the meds & tried her on "Sensory Learning Center" And we both started Tai Kwon Do classes after school. Our town news paper even did a story on her when she started the program & then did a follow up story about 6 months later to see how it worked. She did great & is still doing great! She got mostly B"S in her report cards. In Tai Kwon Do we both have gone from a white belt, to a Yellow belt, to a orange & we just got our Blue belts last week. I'm so proud of her. Tai Kwon Do is very formal, structured, & respectful. We have to stand completely still, at attention, during our classes sometimes for a long time too, while we listen & do what the instructor tells us. In the beginning she couldn't do it. But she got better & better & now she is just like everyone else. As we were learning our new form yesterday the teacher tells Meagan to help out her mother, cause she got it (the form) & I am still having trouble learning it. LOL!

Kristi - posted on 06/30/2011

my son Anthony has ADHD and on top of being a boy.. that kid is a handful.! see he has friends and can be sooo social, that we have to remind him that not all people like getting their head talked off, lol.! but there are alot of times he wants to be all alone.! i honestly just think its there condtion. i wish i could be alittle more helpful on what to do, but sometimes I dont even know how to get him more involed w. kids.! I was told, depending on how smart they are too, they wont pay attention to kids who are "not on there level".! they know somethings wronge w. themselves, so its easier to be alone.!

Michele - posted on 06/29/2011

I can so relate. I have a 9 year old son who is what I call "socially awkward". He does not get invited to parties or sleepovers like my 7 year old daughter. BUT when he has had friends over if they are not doing something that my son wants to do, then he will just do whatever it is he wants and not play with his friends. My heart aches sometines . How do we teach or help our children with social skills?

Melanie - posted on 06/19/2011

ok my son said any kid his age that has ADD/ ADHD he'd like to friend on facebook. Aaron Doss age 14 ;
Grade 8th / 9th (picture is of a halo xbox warrior)

Sandy - posted on 06/19/2011

All of your stories could have my son in them. He's 10 now, diagnosed 2 years ago. He is one who must be the leader and has a hard time following someone else, so he often will get left behind if he doesn't go along with the group. He also loves Star Wars, the Civil War, and military history, so his play centers around much of this. Kids that don't like this kind of imaginary play are put off and will also leave him. He has some friends at school, but I think because parents put a limit to how many kids are invited to a party, my son winds up being the last on the list and doesn't get invited. He has been on the generic for Ritalin and it helps him tremendously with school and concentration. (And he is not a zombie, our doctor started low and we tweeked it enough so that he can stay calm and listen.)

We have done more talking about how to join into games and to be willing to do other things. We have a Boys & Girls Club in our area, so we have tried that this first week off of school to practice these skills.

Baby steps and involvement. As parents we want to fix the situation right away, but can't. I've learned over the past couple of months that with my son's maturity, it becomes easier for him. He is a brown belt in karate and that has helped with his self-confidence. He has come to take an interest in golf and baseball, so we have him signed up for 3 weeks of golf lessons and next summer we will sign him up for baseball. I've learned that I have to go out there and find areas for him to be involved in and try new things. I also have to take the initiative to invite friends over. We learned that one parent of a friend of his will not allow him back because he got mad at his friend's younger sibling. Even though I explained about his ADHD.

Thanks to all who shared here, I don't feel all alone now! I spent 6 weeks attending an ADHD support group (at $350 an hour!), only to talk about "behavior modification plans" (and make me feel I'm a bad mom.) Just by reading what you have shared has helped me to look at my son and realize the strides we are making, through baby steps!

Sandy - posted on 06/19/2011

All of your stories could have my son in them. He's 10 now, diagnosed 2 years ago. He is one who must be the leader and has a hard time following someone else, so he often will get left behind if he doesn't go along with the group. He also loves Star Wars, the Civil War, and military history, so his play centers around much of this. Kids that don't like this kind of imaginary play are put off and will also leave him. He has some friends at school, but I think because parents put a limit to how many kids are invited to a party, my son winds up being the last on the list and doesn't get invited. He has been on the generic for Ritalin and it helps him tremendously with school and concentration. (And he is not a zombie, our doctor started low and we tweeked it enough so that he can stay calm and listen.)

We have done more talking about how to join into games and to be willing to do other things. We have a Boys & Girls Club in our area, so we have tried that this first week off of school to practice these skills.

Baby steps and involvement. As parents we want to fix the situation right away, but can't. I've learned over the past couple of months that with my son's maturity, it becomes easier for him. He is a brown belt in karate and that has helped with his self-confidence. He has come to take an interest in golf and baseball, so we have him signed up for 3 weeks of golf lessons and next summer we will sign him up for baseball. I've learned that I have to go out there and find areas for him to be involved in and try new things. I also have to take the initiative to invite friends over. We learned that one parent of a friend of his will not allow him back because he got mad at his friend's younger sibling. Even though I explained about his ADHD.

Thanks to all who shared here, I don't feel all alone now! I spent 6 weeks attending an ADHD support group (at $350 an hour!), only to talk about "behavior modification plans" (and make me feel I'm a bad mom.) Just by reading what you have shared has helped me to look at my son and realize the strides we are making, through baby steps!

Melanie - posted on 06/15/2011

ok so far most everyone has no friends/ social isses but no one yet has any ideas on how to help our children? I too have no ideas have keep an eye on this thread hoping for something, but have yet to see anything. Our son turns 15 in Aug. 2011 yet he still has problems joinging anything or going anywere, it's ok for theses other parnets to send there child to play once in awhile to our house but they don't want to deal with our son , He is not a trouble maker but is high energy :0) still at a loses....

Holly - posted on 06/15/2011

I have a 11 year old daughter that struggles with all social skills!! I just had a birthday party for her and I was so glad that everyone showed up but she is never invited to other parties. I feel bad for her but it does not seem to bother her. My husband and I just held her back this year because of maturity and I am hoping to a transformation. I have struggled so much with her but I am always hoping it is a phase. Just remind yourself that all we can do is try hard and teach the best way we know how. Holly a girl with ADHD and lots of social promblems

Holly - posted on 06/15/2011

I have a 11 year old daughter that struggles with all social skills!! I just had a birthday party for her and I was so glad that everyone showed up but she is never invited to other parties. I feel bad for her but it does not seem to bother her. My husband and I just held her back this year because of maturity and I am hoping to a transformation. I have struggled so much with her but I am always hoping it is a phase. Just remind yourself that all we can do is try hard and teach the best way we know how. Holly a girl with ADHD and lots of social promblems

Ilene - posted on 06/11/2011

My seven year old hasn't officially been diagnosed but we are going through that right now. He is extremely hyper at times and I know it puts the other kids off however, I just see the way some kids look at him and react to him and it breaks my heart. He has had a very difficult year this year. Last week the kids did projects in school (Diorama's) and the kids all laughed at my son's project. I'm just so annoyed with it. I'm hoping maybe next year he will get back in with a good class (his kinder class was fine).

Donell - posted on 06/10/2011

first I want to say thank you my life since the earthquake has been strange and you helped me remember me and put the into perspective, I feel much better now. Thank you for that. I am writing now to tell you your not asking the right questions, the questions you really need to ask are what does she feel? now what it looks like she feels? what does she think? not what you think she thinks? why does she feel / think those things? answer all the who, what, when, where, and why and you will have your how. but she will learn how to deal with it from you, don't let it get you down and she will learn not to for her, you get out there and meet people and she will do the same in time. help her learn her strengths. I have ADHD for 30 years now, and when I was 14 I got off the medication, learned about it and love it, I would not give up it has made me who I am. No I do not have a lot of friends never had, but I don't care I would rather have a friend I can call when I need over so many friends I don't get to give or receive the quality of friend ship I deserve. It might bother her, but not near as much as it is bother you. I am sure your child is smart, bright, friendly, and a wonderful person, but its about the quality not the quantity of anything in life.
good luck to you and your family.

Kathy - posted on 06/09/2011

I wonder if kids with A.D.H.D.got together would they get along?