Son's ADHD puts stress on marriage and other siblings! Anybody?

Laurel - posted on 02/05/2013

First, let me say that www.additudemag.com is an awesome website for EVERYTHING ADHD. I have learned a ton from articles on that site. My son, now 10, was diagnosed at age 5. We went through a long period of trial and error with his meds in the beginning 2-3 years...different brands and dossage. What a nightmare! He's been on 20 mg Ritalin 2-3 times daily (morning, 4 hours later at school, 4 hours later when he gets home from school) for about 2 years now and it is the best fit for him. I've also added 2400 mg fish oil daily and a high protein, low fat, low sugar breakfast into the mix this past year. Diet plays a big role in behavior with ADHD. The extended-release type of meds don't do it as well for him. They tend to wear off or leave him unbalanced. Each person is uniquely different when it comes to meds. Not based on age or weight, but rather chemistry. He was taking 30 mg for about 9 months 2 years ago, but during one of our conversations with him about how his meds make him feel, he asked me about lowering the dose.. This was at age 8. He is very smart and we have always been open with him about his behavior and making smart choices and that it is HIS CHOICE to do the things he was doing and about using his "brakes" more often before doing something and asking himself if it is a smart choice. His major issues are impulsiveness and having to have attention at innappropriate times, at school, church etc. Also, annoying others on purpose. Adderall and Concerta (adderall's cousin) did NOT work for him AT ALL and they changed his personality from a fun-loving goofball with a very whitty sence of humor to being moody and withdrawn most of the time. Mornings before school are the worst for us. Every day the same thing. How is it that you have to tell someone to eat repeatedly when they chose what they wanted for breakfast. Every day it's a battle, but we somehow make it to school on time. Thank goodness each year has gotten better, either we are learning how to work things differently so it works for him too, or he is learning how to control things better, or both.

Jennifer - posted on 02/04/2013

Yes absolutely! My son's behavior has been stressful on our family life for going on 8 years. He was diagnosed at 5 and is now almost 12. He is currently on Vyvanse 50mg and it is great for the 8 hours it works but mornings and evenings at our house are complete chaos. I worry about my 9 year old daughter who suffers because of his behavior and have considered moving out with her many many times. Its unfair for her to have to put up with her brothers behavior and bullying on a daily basis. Taking things away etc. has no result on him at all. He cries sometimes because he has no friends, doesn't get invited to parties or anywhere and we try to explain that it is something that he has to learn to control himself. We are going on about a week now on Native Remedies products which are all natural vitamins for Adhd and mood. I have not seen results yet but they say it takes up to 3 weeks for full effect.

Life with my son is very stressful and i pray everyday that it just ends one day before it ruins our family, our marriage and this wonderful life we could have if not for the constant chaos.

Bj - posted on 01/28/2013

I am a mother of 2 boys both on concerta 1 is getting 54 mg the other is getting 32mg. It seems that his doisage needs to be looked at again & possible put higher. His body may be ammune to the amount he gets. Also is it time released? I find that the time I give it to them also depends on when it wears off.

Jessica - posted on 01/27/2013

I feel your pain. We are going through basically the same thing. My son is nearly 7 and been on Focalin XR since Nov 2012 and only takes it on school days. It helps him well at school now but wears off before he gets home. I don't want him on a higher dose. Doing homework with him makes me get so stressed out I want to jump off the roof.
I try to keep my cool but it is so hard. My husband and I are at our wits end. We fight due to stress over our son. Someone is yelling. He or I. We have a toddler and a baby due any day.
We try clearly explaining things in small steps and he still does it all crazy.
"Go shut the light off in the bathroom." Ends up with him playing with water in the sink for 15 minutes for no reason and still forgetting to shut the light off when he comes back.
His Doctor says he has and extremely mild case of ADHD and if we saw what it was like with kids. Who have it worse we would understand better....
its so hard. I want to help him hut everything I read about or come up with doesn't work.

Marissa - posted on 09/17/2012

I know this was posted a while back but I'm just now seeing this. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and some ODD when she was in 2nd grade. I continually felt that I was a failure as a mother and yes, it was putting stress on my marriage. My husband's way of dealing with her is to yell and I am the more informed one so try really hard to be the patient one. It was a constant battleground in our home. No yelling does not help and grounding had no influence on her. We just had to do the constant reminders (but yes, yelling occured anyway).

She is now in 6th grade and we've come a long way. I've worked hard to educate my husband and he is working hard to try to be more understanding. We break down any chores that my daughter has to do, give her time limits, sticking to routines and whatever else we can think of that will keep her from having a meltdown. We haven't had the major aggression in a while.

At the moment we are being very prayerful because she has chosen to start middle school without medication. So far so good so my message is please hang in there. Make sure you and your husband have plenty of time to yourselves where you can just chill & relax and talk, talk, talk!!! Just be consistent and remind yourselves always that you are a family and together you can get through this! God Bless You!

Gayle - posted on 09/14/2012

I am going through the same thing with my 8 year old son, mornings and night times are a nightmare. he has his medication for school and is fine there. I dread picking him up as he makes mine and my daughters lifes hell. no one seems to be able to help they just tell you things to do that dont work. they need a day in the life of an adhd parent. i cant see things ever getting better he is getting older stronger and wiser. good luck i hope things improve for you x

Elaine - posted on 06/12/2012

Can you please tell me what the supplement is and if it's effective?
Thank you!
Elaine

Dianne - posted on 02/28/2011

adhd often includes sensory issues, they seek feelings fast, bright! height, ect.....we found sensory therapy amazing , it helped show how to cope and one thing on the top of the list is its who they are,,,,dont stop them from seeking but can re-direct them in a safer manner to fulfill their need for a activity....ex sitting on a exercise ball bouncing while on computer....instead wandering, helps concentration.

Dianne - posted on 02/28/2011

my son is the same.....:) and we also have visited the idea of autism but told severe adhd, with sensory disfunction, since age 6 72 mg consorta and 40 mg strattara and barley effects.. and u are so right adhd is sooooooo simular to autism.....he is 10 now and still cannot read. its a handful but with great rewards at the same time, and we just have to remember its who they are, they seek...not being bad. sensory therapy was amazing...or anyone with severe adhd kids....amazing.....and really helps...a specialized o.t.

Samantha - posted on 02/28/2011

I have a 3 year old son with extream ADHD...so extream that he was dignosed at age 2! I grew up with ADHD and in a sence its my fault that my son has it. Since I know how he thinks and looks at the world I can unserstand him better. Honestly belive it or not ADHD is extreamly simaler to Autism. http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/05/11/...

Yelling does NO GOOD..I promise you that! When you have ADHD your able to tune it out...normally you dont mean to but it happens a lot. Also whe you have ADHD you have a very short attinion span, I find that having a picture refence check list of what I need to get done helps a lot (try it you will glad you did) Having a chart and being able to check off what you need to do gives you a real sence of acomplishment, it also cuts down on the yelling becuse now all you have to ask him is "whats next on YOUR list!"

Shelley - posted on 02/28/2011

Its nice to see I'm not the only one out there. My 7 year old has not been diagnosed with ADHD but has ODD. After school is a struggle to even get her to hang her jacket up! Then I end up yelling at her and getting extremely angry to the point I don't even want to talk or deal with her. I don't want this to ruin our relationship but I fell it is.

Kim - posted on 02/27/2011

So glad to hear that other parents feel the way I do. Thanks for all of your input and support. We are going back to the doctor to either change or up his meds. As for his younger brother and older sister, it is a day to day struggle. We have decided to go back to the psychologist to help us understand and cope with my son better. And I am going to try fish oil supplement for kids to see if it makes a difference in his focus/concentration. I will let you know if it works!

Becky - posted on 02/24/2011

My son takes Vyvanse and it has the least side effects of any other med he's tried. My son is 12 and been diagnosed since he was 7. I used to make him a colorful chart with simle things and he can either check it off or put stars and be on a reward system. I'd put morning: make bed, get dressed, eat, brush teeth, take med. Afternoon: snack, homework. Night: clean room, shower, brush teeth. You can put whatever you want on the chart, but keep it simple so he'll feel like he's accomplishing things. He will get a reward and at the same time he's retraining his thinking and patterns, and you won't be so frustrated cause you can just say "do your chart" instead of the fighting etc... I hope this helps.

Angie - posted on 02/24/2011

This sounds exactly like my son who is now 12. Our son has several things he really enjoys and has no trouble focusing on. We have used these things(i.e. video games, friends) and the risk of getting them taken away to help motivate him to get his homework done. It works pretty well. We have also just started him on a new natural supplement and have taken him off his meds because they were effecting him emotionally. He seemed more depressed. He has been on the supplement for a week and a half and his teachers are sending me reports on how he is doing in school. It's a bit too early to tell -but I have noticed an improved mental health and his teachers have been sending home good reports also.

Jane - posted on 02/23/2011

Both my kids are ADHD. However, my daughter is less so and I have been able to work with her all along to help her develop coping skills. She has never been on meds, although she may try Ritalin now that she is in college as a pre-med and is having problems focusing. She often controlled her ADHD through exercise up until now. The best punishment for her has always been to isolate her from people.



My son is a different story entirely. In addition to ADHD he has also been diagnosed as ODD and as Bipolar. We have found that his ODD has been more of a problem in the evenings than his ADHD has been. When the Metadate for his ADHD wears off he becomes flighty, clicks through the TV channels rapidly, needs to get up and move a lot, eats constantly, and speaks quickly. However, the ODD is what leads to the yelling, fighting and tantrums. Our doctor prescribed Tenex (Guanfacine) to help control his anger, and it works well.



As others have said, punishment for bad behavior is necessary and it needs to be in the now. For us the best punishment is to turn off the television and not turn it on again until the damage is repaired. It stays off until the homework is done, the tantrum stops, the damage is repaired, and the apologies are made.



In many ways my son at age 16 is a giant 3-year-old. If you can see him in that light it becomes easier for you to remind him to do his routine tasks or to supervise him doing things he should know how to do but doesn't seem to. We do post lists of positives and tasks for him, such as "Walk at school," "Brush your teeth before bed." and so on, in appropriate places, to help him remember.



I am now a single parent but when my husband was still alive one of our biggest challenges was to agree on an approach to our son's problems. At least until the last year or so when my husband's illness was at its worst we were able to set guidelines and stick to them fairly well. Do the best you can to have time alone with your husband, both to nurture your relationship and to work together to parent your children. It is vital that you present a united front to the kids however much you disagree in private.



Before my husband's passing, when he was quite ill, we were able to find a "loaner dad" through our church. He serves as a male role model who will demonstrate good mature behavior, as well as teach our son things he desperately wants to know, such as changing the oil on a car, fixing the fence at the ranch, and so on. They go fishing, go to ball games, and also volunteer at a local ministry for the homeless. The latter I believe is important as it exposes our son to what could happen to him if he does NOT figure out how to get along in regular society.



Another thing you must deal with is that ADHD kids usually have problems with self-esteem. Folks are always having to tell them to sit down, be quiet, and so on, and many who lack understanding will classify these kids as "bad" kids. You need to find ways to help your son like himself and find things he can do well.



ADHD is a problem in today's society because so much of our learning and doing involves sitting and listening. ADHD kids don't do well in such environments, but they DO do well in hands-on learning situations and are frequently very effective in jobs that involve a need to make quick decisions or deal with high risk situations. ADHD folks do well as car salesmen, coaches and athletes, pilots, race car drivers, mechanics, and other jobs where quick action is important. See what you can do to encourage your son in things he does well in addition to correcting his behavior and developing tools so he can survive in today's world.



Good luck! And remember, they are cute when they are asleep - both ADHD children and husbands!

Jennifer - posted on 02/23/2011

Finally I feel that someone understands me. I have a 5yr old diagnosed with ADHD/Bipolar w/ Autism spectrum. He is currently on Vyvanse 30mg & Intuniv 3 mg. This dosage has him somewhat controlled. We, meaning my other two children 14 & 11 try our best to find ways to occupy him from getting to that uncontrollable stage but we can only do so much. I/we don't go out while he's not in school to avoid his down moments because the time outs, privileges taken away, ignoring the tantrums, & old school disciplinary ways don't seem to work. Sadly to say I don't even think about bringing in someone else into my personal life for the fear they wouldn't understand what I go thru & not want to get involved into such a relationship. I've finally changed his school to see if another environment with more male role models can help him. All I can say is pray & don't give up on your child there are so many different ways to help children that are challenged in this way. It is definitely a stressful way of living but we can definitely do it. I am currently looking into all different types of programs that will strike his interest as well as ways to release his energy. Don't give up, he will eventually learn it just takes a little longer than other children. I as well think ahead about the future ahead so we have to set things up so he wont be around negativity to adapt the ways. Do not feel as if your alone there are people out there who have similar situations or even tougher situations.Have faith & pray don't be afraid to ask for help because you are not alone.

Dawn - posted on 02/23/2011

Hello, my 11 year old has ADHD and I was going through the same thing..he couldnt focus for more than 2 min at a time, It was very aggravating and stressful for all of us,, I finally got him into the right doctor who put him on Vvynas and it worked wonders for him, he is a totally different kid, and not in the sense of being 'stoned" ,, you wouldnt even know he was on meds if you didnt know him,, but the major downside to the drug is that it causes weightloss and loss of appetite to the extreme where I have had to result in giving him meal replacement drinks and almost to the point of forcing him to eat,,but I think his dose is too high.. he takes his pill at 8 am and it normally wears off around 7 at night. Evening time is the worst for us to but I found that if I dont let him play video games or watch t.v.after 6:30 pm that it makes it that much easier to get him to do his regular routine and stickin to the exact same routine helps immensely,, I have even resorted to writing things out for him and posting it in the room where he needs to do it.. and it actually works.. In my opinon there is a fine line between our ADHD children comprehending what they are told and being outright defiant, therefore I do believe in consequences for their actions, if my son defies me and does not follow routine he looses privlages and in some cases has to go to bed at a earlier time due to his attitude. our children have a way of manipulating us and leading us to believe they are not capable of doing stuff and behaving accordingly which in turn aggravates and infuriates us,, but stickin to the same routine and punishments consistantly does pay off,, I hope this has helped.

Sandy - posted on 02/23/2011

My daughter takes concerta as well. You have described him as his meds are wearing off. Ask the MD to either prescribe a longer acting version of concerta, add an after school boost or have him be physically active- running, basketball karate, gymnastics for example. You house will
change instantly. I also don't yell. it doesn't work. We have a set routine. My daughter knows what is expected and when she is unable to follow through I walk her through it. I would also recommend you and your husband talk to a counselor who specializes in ADD. When my husband and I "tag team" our daughter she figures out what to do without either of us losing our cool. We have had this in place for three years and have had continued successs.

Heather - posted on 02/23/2011

I did find 2 helpful books at the library. They are
The ADHD parenting Handbook - Practical advice for parents from parents. and
A parents guide to making it through the tough years, ADHD and teens.

although it had some info on teens this book had a lot of good information in it.
I hope this helps. It made me aware of a lot of things.

Heather - posted on 02/23/2011

Sounds like we are in the same boat girl. My 9 year old daughter has ADHD, and we have a 3 year old daughter as well. They are complete opposites! My daughter with ADHD acts the same way!!!!!!!! We have to constatnly remind her to do things that she has been doing for years...brushing teeath, and hair and so on! We dont know what else to do either! We have taken every action to discipline, and nothing make it any easier! If you find a method that works PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!!

Tuloni - posted on 02/23/2011

Hi Kim,
I understand how you feel. I also have a 9 year old son with adhd as well as two 6 year old twin boys and a daughter who is 12. Life will get better even though its hard right now.now. My husband would yell at our son all the time and I would let him. But when the our son was out of site, I would tell my husband how to learn and pick your battles. He can't fuss at the boy everytime he did something wrong otherwise is just becomes noise. First, look into your son's medication to see if the concerta is prevoking your child's negative behavior. My son was behaving worst not better qhen he was taking concerta. Also, research some family counseling for theroputic tips on how to better handle your son, the school can help with that one. Your husband may also need a better understanding of your son's world and counseling can help. With the younger child, give you 9 year old some responsibilities over the younger one. He can help him/her with homework or washing hands or even getting that sibling a cup of water. That way, the 9 year old feels important and not just a problem child of the family. Hang in there!

Melissa - posted on 02/23/2011

Gounding words for some, but not at our house. She will find something in her room to make a mess out of ... which then takes forever to clean up ... physical work helps with us to burn off the energy. She can shovel snow, shovel dog poo from the yard, haul small pieces of wood for the fire from the garage to the house, sweep the driveway, sweep the garage, vacuum the basement, you get the idea ... for boys I think physical outlet is very important!!

Blanca - posted on 02/23/2011

Hi, I am a mom of 7, with 5 ADHD among them. My children are mostly all grown up, the youngest is 17. Your son needs strict discipline, not physical mind you, but he needs strict rules and consequences when he doesn't do what he is supposed to do. You need to be very consistent, if you punished a certain behavior one day, you need to stick with it and not be lenient the next day. Your son will probably listen to your husband more, that is the normal behavior of ADHD children. Yelling is not recommended, however, try to keep your cool. Your child CAN control his behavior, the ADHD cannot be an excuse for him to get away with things. With the proper incentive, he can accomplish a lot. Example is very important, if you lose your cool, he will too. The evenings are tough because that is when the medicine wears off.
Grounding works, taking away privileges works too. Consistency is key. Don't let him use the ADHD as an excuse for bad behavior or he will develop antisocial behavior.

Melissa - posted on 02/23/2011

My 10 yr old is ADHD and by the time she gets home from school the meds are just gone! There are options if it is really bad, you can use a non-extended release in a smaller dose for the afternoon to get through the evening. Some ADHD kids have sleeping issues, which ours does, so we use melatonin to help with sleep.

We use a chart for all the things she needs to do after school through bedtime. That way she can read it for herself and I only have to remind her to check the chart. Seriously, everything! Homework, feed dogs, shower, brush teeth, brush hair, pick up bathroom, put away dirty clothes, etc. This way she learns responsibility, but at the same time has the tools she needs to take care of it.

Yes, homework is always boring and stupid or she simply doesn't want to do it! Tough noogies, dude - EVERYONE has to do homework, it's just part of life! With 3 other siblings in the house, all doing homework, I think that helps her see that everyone has to do it, not just her!

A big part of ADHD is self focus ... everyone is picking on ME, so some of our issues are this and we have to point out to her that no one is picking on her. Everyone in her class does the same homework ... boring or stupid or studying. Her siblings have home work, too! Dad works from home = home work! All the children have to clean their bedrooms before they get to play ... it's her choice to make it take 3 hours instead of 10 minutes like everyone else!

Alice - posted on 02/23/2011

I totally and completely understand! I have to say I agree with Phyllis Harris when it comes to punishment. I recently visited our psychologist with the same question. I told him we were having a hard time distinguishing between punishing the child or punishing the ADHD and that we felt like our son was ALWAYS grounded. He said to punish in the now because like Phyllis said, it is almost like he cannot comprehend that next week exists. So I have tried to set goals for my son each day. I am starting a dry erase calendar that he can put things on and see each day. This way he can refer back to it and try to work towards remembering that there is a "next week" with "next week's events"! I am not sure that this will work but I read all the time about people that have concurred there ADHD and if I can give him tools to work towards that then I will.

The thing about ADHD is that I feel that despite the ADHD the child needs to be held accountable for his actions or he will never take responsibility for his actions and he/she will ALWAYS use his ADHD as an excuse for things he/she does in life, good or bad. I don't want my son to use this as an excuse to misbehave, be ugly, or treat others ugly. I know that my husband and I are the only ones who can teach him that. My husband can be pretty darn tough on my son and honestly it just takes us quietly and privately reminding them that it is not necessary to take that approach. The thing is, my yelling is just as bad so I always have to humble myself (which KILLS ME) with my husband and say things like "honey, we really aren't getting anywhere with him by yelling or being 'tough' on him...we need to chill and take a breath and go back and deal with this." The biggest thing I realized is, I am not getting ANYWHERE by calling my husband out in front of my son. My son uses this against us. So I have been really working hard (and failing miserably at times) on pulling my husband aside and the both of us regrouping then coming right back. We argue ALL THE TIME about all of this. You are not alone. The thing is, you both have to be on the same page, with the same goal. Both of you are going to screw up....it is unavoidable, we are all imperfect, the thing is we just have to keep working towards a common goal.

Phyllis - posted on 02/22/2011

Sounds like our house. My son is 7 with severe ADHD/ODD and on 54mg Concerta. By supper time the tension is insane. One night my husband actually tied him to his chair to eat dinner. Needless to say, I was not happy. My husband is against meds (and ADHD himself) and often refuses to give our son his meds. The stress is enormous between us. He accuses me of not wanting to deal with our son and just medicate him. I have a 5 year old who understands his brothers problems better than Dad does. We have to make sure to spend special time with him too just to even things out so he doesn't feel left out. I tell him how much I appreciate his cooperation at bedtime, and his patience with his brother. For a 5 year old he is wise beyond his years. I am constantly coming between Dad and son to keep Dad from losing it. I ask my son to repeat instructions back to me so that I know he understands. Logical consequences are all that works for him. Grounding, taking privileges etc is less effective than making him scrub the toothpaste off the walls himself. If I have to take something away, it needs to be tangible. Taking away his trip to the waterpark next week won't work. He cannot comprehend that next week exists. And by then he will have forgotten why he lost the trip and the lesson is lost on him. If I tkae something away, it has to be TODAY's video game time, or TONIGHT's story. I have noticed that when his meds are worn off, he misbehaves, but cannot remember the next day what he did the previous night. The doctor says that is common. Like his mind moves so fast that nothing sticks. I hear things like "What do you mean I drew on the wall? I wouldn't Mom, it's not right!" It breaks my heart that his focus is so bad that his memory suffers that way. But to Dad, he's just a bad kid and needs more spanking. You would think that someone with ADHD himself would be more understanding.

Melissa - posted on 02/22/2011

Kim...I have a 7yr old son with ADHD. He now takes 36g of concerta. The dosage depends on your child's height and weight.If the school call and says that your child is fine in the morning but after lunch he is out of control....his dosage is to low. I had these issues with my son. Back to your question ADHD can stress the whole family. I have other children that felt my son was being treated differently. My ex husband left all the responsibilty on me to take care of. We were married at the time of his diagnosis. Also, some parents dont know that ADHD is hereditary. I got myself tested for the condition but I dont have it. My ex husband refused to be tested because he is afraid of what the results can be.

Sandy - posted on 02/18/2011

This sounds like our house! I have a 8 year old boy with ADHD and a 15 year old girl. My daughter is constantly trying to "help" him and gets frustrated when he doesn't (or can't)listen. My husband and I are always yelling at him for simple things he has been diagnosed since age 4. Time outs spankings isolating him in his room nothing worked. We are at our wits end. For christmas this year my husband bought me a book called "the everything parents guide to ADHD in childres" It is very interesting and helped us to understand more how he is thinking and how we can help him. According to the book it is important for the child to understand why he does things that are not ok. My son was on several different meds right now he is on Zoloft for anxiety and Methedate CD I think for now with our new understanding and this combination of meds things are looking up. I hope this helps you