What to do? Do I hold back my second grader?

Karen - posted on 04/09/2013

I needed to read this exact post today! this morning I met with my 2nd graders math and reading teachers, the school psychologist, the special education teacher and her asst principal to discuss her struggles. I have known since kindergarten that she struggled more than her friends but always hoped that it would fix itself as she got a little older. her 1st grade teachers suggested she be held back last year but I stubbornly didn't listen. now I wish that I had, hindsight is a beast. I find it comforting that I am not the only one that is struggling with the frustration associated with having a child that struggles. I hate the thought of her being teased for staying in second grade another year but I can only hope that it helps build her character while giving her the extra time that she needs to catch up.

Nancy - posted on 06/03/2012

I am going through it myself right now. My son is in the second grade and is being held back because I should of held him back already in the first grade but didnt listen. Big mistake, he struggled all year and had help from IEP, speech, you name it, he was in it. I know my son is smart and very creative (he loves to draw and color) and it maybe difficult at first but it really is for the best down the road. I have come to the conclusion that my son is a late bloomer who will eventually "get it" and thrive. He didnt talk until he was three (and that was a few words) and he has only lost 3 baby teeth so far and had only 4 teeth at a year ( he is 8 with a feb birthday), it may not have much to do with anything but my younger son has just turned two and speaks in sentences already and has a whole mouth full of teeth at 10 mths, I guess I am just trying to point out that he is on the immature side and it all boils down to being a late bloomer. Now if I am in this same predicament next year with the same outcome, then there are major issues at play and then I will be upset but I think holding a child back is to their benefit down the road

Christine - posted on 02/21/2010

I believe you should hold him back now while you have the chance. I regret not holding my son back. He is now 19 and struggled all through school, even with and IEP and other help. His doc said emotionally he is 2 years behind his peer group, so now as a (barely, by the skin of his teeth) graduate, he is still struggling trying to keep a job. His immaturity is very definitive and I wish I could do it over again and hold him back so he could be closer to where he really needed to be. I wish you luck in your decision!

Dawn - posted on 02/14/2010

I have an eight year old second grader who has adhd. he has all the school support also and is behind in reading and math also. The school sends him down to first grade to read with them and he reads with second grade and a title reading teacher. he has iep (since kindergarden) with all the extra stuff he has he has been making much progress and they dont want to hold him back. They said we would go through all of this with third grade but by the end of third he would be caught up. Just my opinion but as long as the kid is happy and making progress i wouldnt take them away from friends and hold em back. just my opinion tho.
i seen ppl talking about concerta.. my son has tried concerta, vyvanse, and some others.. now he is on focalin with tenex.. and clondinine to sleep..... this seems to really be working for him.

Helen - posted on 02/14/2010

Wow! I know how you feel. We were faced with this when ours was in kindergarten. We talked to teachers we knew, our family doctor, anybody who might have an inkling (including his preschool teachers) and even our son and came to this conclusion. Our son would spend 1 year in a developmental program (14 kids - 2 teachers & 2 aides) and then he went into regular kindergarten with an IEP, basically repeated kindergarten. It was the best decision we ever made.

It was rough in third grade because his teacher felt that he didn't need the IEP, refused to acknowledge his problems (ADD & Dyslexia), and was constantly telling us that we didn't discipline him enough... tried to talk to her ourselves, ended up going over her head and had a GREAT principle who managed to help us get back into the IEP. The teacher retired the next year.

But our son blossomed and did so well with being held back - he actually had friends in both grade levels and still does to this day. He finished high school with honors (in the top 10 %) of his class and had an IEP all thru high school. His IEP for high school allowed him extra time on tests, if needed - someone to explain the questions - with a separate undisturbed area to take the tests, which he rarely needed, but was available should he need it. We had glowing reports in 8th grade thru high school academically (before it was about how bright he was, but how he had trouble staying on task). He graduated from a technical school doing what he loves and is doing well.

Go with your gut, and your heart, and talk to your son. He will do well if you keep him appraised, and let him be part of solving his problem. And tell him how much you love him, and want to do what's right for him. He won't always agree, at least not now, but ours did at the age of 20! Good Luck!

Jennifer - posted on 02/14/2010

I didnt't start my son in school till he was 6. He has ADD and was not emotionaly ready for school. He is smart as a whip and excells at his school work but offten is lost when it comes to personal interaction. I think you know your child the best and know what is best for him... if you do decide to hold him back make sure that he understands that he is not at fault and that it is not because he is 'dumb'

Charmian - posted on 02/13/2010

I held my son back in kindergarten, and it was the best decision I ever took. He was due in November 1999 and arrived August 1999. In South Africa our school year starts in January, and had he been born full term, would have bee up to 11 months younger than his peers.... He has been on Ritalin for 4 years, and it has made the world of difference. As you all know... the loss of apetite is a great concern, but he makes up over week-ends, as I give him a break.

Rebecca - posted on 02/13/2010

Hello,
I completely understand what you are going through. I have a daughter who is 11 and a son who is 8 and they both have ADD/ADHD. They are both on Concerta and it has helped. My son I have not had problems with as far as his education. Socially akward at times and he is a jumping bean but that is about it.

My daughter on the other hand was born a month early which put her in a grade that she was not suppose to be in (August baby). She could not focus enough to even talk until we got her help (age 4/5). I wanted to hold her back in K5 but like your school, they said no. So I listened and guess what? I regret it. Her years of Social akwardness, not being organized, and having a hard time in school in general were so hard on her.

If you are to hold him back do it now because it will be to late in the future when he really understands completely that his friends are not with him. It is such a hard decision but sometimes we must make them with confidence that we know are children.

Rebecca

April - posted on 02/12/2010

my daughter is 6 and in first grade, they suggested i hold her back in kindergarden. I decided to give her the chance to see if she could catch up and she has not. She has an IEP and is progressing better than last year but she is still below first grade level. I will be holding her back to repeat the first grade to build her confidence and it will be easier for her to make new friends also. My parents held me back in kinder and i was mad all through elementary but made new friends and still had my other friends and when i reached middle school sixth grade half way through the year they want me to go into all the high classes cause i was above level, i suggested that instead i would like to be promoted to the seventh grade. They accepted and said we'll see what your grades are after the simester and if your still keeping good grades you can stay in seventh and if not then you'll go back to sixth....needless to say i stayed in seventh so i caught up and did sixth and seventh grade in one year. I then thanked my parents. Just because they need a little extra help now doesn't mean that later they'll speed past and go further forward...(= hope it helped....

Brenda - posted on 02/07/2010

AS LONG AS THE SCHOOL IS DOING ALL THEY CAN DO AND YOU ARE HELPING HIM. HE HAS HIS DR. ORDERS. THEY BY LAW THEY CANT HOLD HIM BACK. YOU ARE SUPPORTING YOU SON.I JUST FOUND OUT I HAVE ADHA AT 39 DIDNT KNOW IT. GRAD HIGH SCHOOL. LIVE A NORMAL LIFE. DIDNT TAKE MED UNTIL KNOW. TAKE CONCERTA ITS A GOOD MED SO FAR AND A SLEEP MED. I HAVE BEEN YOUR SON BUT A GIRL. KIDS WITH ADHA ARE VERY AWESOME BRIGHT SMART KIDS.

Kathi - posted on 02/05/2010

Just a follow up to my last post, I have worked in the field of education for many years. I have a degree in Developmental psych and I currently work in the CA State Dept. of Education. I was also one of the special ed kids growing up. I have been on all sides of this issue and still think holding them back is not neccessarily in their best interest.

Kathi - posted on 02/05/2010

Don't hold him back. I am a mom who made that mistake when she was in 2nd grade. She didn't get any more prepared for 3rd grade. My daughter resented school and nearly dropped out in jr high. Fortunately, in high school, she ended up in a very small school where she had a lot of hands on time with teachers and she flourished. A charter school may end up being a good choice for your son. Instead, push for more interventions in his IEP. You will have to be the squeaky wheel and insist on more specific guidelines. I was a pain in the district and I'm sure they are glad that my daughter graduated, but I was her advocate and she graduated. Your son will get there. As far as the reading practice, get him stuff to read that he likes, even if its comics. You just want him reading period. Use math at home. Have him help with basic math skills like measuring for recipes. These little things will help him to get it. It's a tough job to raise a special ed kid. You have to be more patient and do twice as much as other parents. The reward is worth it. Just keep fighting for whatever he needs to help him learn better (weather it's hands on, visual, etc.)
I just don't really think that holding special ed kids back does them a service. Good luck.

Tanya - posted on 02/05/2010

I suggest that you hold him back now so he sharpens up on basic concepts that will be built upon in the grades after. My son has ADHD and when transferring him from a 12:1 class into an inclusion we decided instead of putting him into a 6th grade class to put him in a 4th grade class which was at his skill level. We pushed him back two years! We are in the middle of the school year and he is excelling and is bring home report cards to brag about. It's not about when they complete their education but that they learn what is needed to succeed in life. I think you know what is right for your child and I think he will thank you for it in the end. :)

Karen - posted on 02/04/2010

It is better to hold him back in an earlier grade than wait till latter. I'm saying this because I refused to hold back my little girl back all the way through to fourth. It took me that long to come to terms that she wasn't ready. So I held her back in fourth I now wish I had held her back in kindergarden. Make sure he with a teacher that understands his problem.

Vicki - posted on 02/03/2010

my son is 6yrs old he had many problems in kindergarten and the school gave me no help or assistance. he was passed to the first grade how ever he was still at a kindergarten level so i made the decision to hold him back and then i found a school in my area that was for kids with add adhd and aspergers. it has been like a angel sent them from above there is only 12 kids in his class and they teach like when i was in school small groups and they understand that everyone learns different he to has an IEP in place they have the same standards as the other schools b/c they are state funded. i do plan on putting him back in to the public school system eventually but for now he is getting that one on one attention that he needs and not just pushed aside as a problem child which is what most of these teachers and school systems feel they are. good luck but i agree with the others best to do it now and watch him sore then to push him on watch him struggle. its just as hard for them as it is for the parents to watch it happen

Toni - posted on 02/03/2010

yes been there...I insisted very early in his 1st time in 1st grade that my son would repeat...we talked clearly and often of this being the best for him....he knows he is older than his classmates and he has an IEP as well....but he now does much much better and has increased his self esteem by "understanding" the tasks in class he only mopes once in a while about his "old classmates" but gets over fairly quickly. I suggest holding your son back now when he is at an advantage of making new friends at a younger age than later. But YOU have to insist it.

Deirdre - posted on 02/01/2010

This happened with our son in kindergarten. He had established all of his friends, I knew all the moms, etc. I didn't want to think he was a failure or couldn't keep up. After some very long conversations with my husband, the teacher & friends, we decided to hold him back. I am so glad that we did. It is better for the child to grasp all there is to grasp, if there is any doubt, better to hold the child back. If your child doesn't get some of the "stuff" now, there will be more "stuff" added next year (if not keeping back) that he will need to learn. If there is trouble grasping the new "stuff", it can have a snowball effect & become extremely overwhelming for the child. Best to keep the kids back in the younger years, is what I was told.

Kristy - posted on 02/01/2010

My son started 3rd grade before I decided to put him back in second grade. This was the best decision we have ever made. He also has struggled, with your description in the posting I had to look to see if I had written it. He not only has excelled in his learning this year and is almost on grade level but he actually has several friends this year instead of just 1 or maybe 2. I do not know if social interaction has been trouble with you child but with ours it was. I am very happy with the decision I made. My son was a little upset and for several weeks he told me he wanted to go back to 3rd grade but all in all we are both happier. My son also started school at an early age turning 5 just two weeks before school started. Boys mature at a much later age then girls and although my daughter was 5 the day after starting kindergarten I think it would have been more beneficial for him if he had started a year later. The school also did not seem to like my decision to place him back in 2nd grade (they rattled off something like he has a 50% higher chance of dropping out. I told them only if he is old enough to move out of my house and make the decision on his own because in my eyes he has no choice. I would say he has a higher drop out rate if I would have left him where he was because his self esteem was so low.)but it is the parents decision in end.

Theresa - posted on 01/31/2010

Is there one specific teacher that you know better and trust more? If you do I would talk to them about what he/she thinks is best for your child. My sons EBD teacher was very good and I would go to her when I needed advice on what to do about his education. She would tell what SHE thought was best for him, not necessarily what the school thought. If you don't have this type of conection with anyone then I would say you need to go with your gut. It sounds like holding him back is what you really feel you should do, and going by what you said in your post it sounds to me like that may be what's best too.

Richelle - posted on 01/30/2010

By the sounds of what you wrote, I think you know what would be best for your child! I was in a similar situation & pulled my daughter right out of school after grade 1 to homeschool her. She is now in grade 4 & doing veery well with the 1 on 1 support! This does not work for everybody, though.

If I didn't have the option of homeschooling, I would hold my daughter back a grade... it is better to be a little older than to struggle all the way through school!

You know your child best, not the school or anyone else. Don't let them push you around. The choices you make now are either going to make him or break him later on in life.... do you really want your son's life be determined by what a school board prefers to do ?

Richelle - posted on 01/30/2010

By the sounds of what you wrote, I think you know what would be best for your child! I was in a similar situation & pulled my daughter right out of school after grade 1 to homeschool her. She is now in grade 4 & doing veery well with the 1 on 1 support! This does not work for everybody, though.

If I didn't have the option of homeschooling, I would hold my daughter back a grade... it is better to be a little older than to struggle all the way through school!

You know your child best, not the school or anyone else. Don't let them push you around. The choices you make now are either going to make him or break him later on in life.... do you really want your son's life be determined by what a school board prefers to do ?