My loss is with me everyday......

Catherine - posted on 02/11/2010 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hello there I am new to this group but feel that talking about whats going on is better then just breaking down and going into serious depression.... I just want to say that I am sorry for everyones losses and I know that all our losses r flying high in heaven looking down on us I mean we all have our personal angels.......So here is my story,.......

I got pregnant in janurary/feburary of 2007 and when I went to my dr for the first visit I was having spotting and so she did an ultra sound to check thing out well come to find out to our suprise I was pregnant with twin boys......my dr said that there looked to be nothing wrong but since I was having two then they were going to keep a eye on me the whole time......well everythign was going good for the first 4 months and then all of a sudden I was swelling and my feet were so big I could hardly wear shoes without them getting stuck on my feet.....well I took my blood pressure cuz my mom was worried and the blood pressure was high and being that it was like 8 at night I went to the er and they admitted me to run test and get my blood pressure under control.....well I just figured high blood pressure runs in my family and that they would just give me some meds to take and it would all be fine the did ultrasounds and the boys looked healthy and nothing was wrong with them....then the next day after I did my 24 hour urine test my dr came to talk to me and told me that I was mild preclamtic and she explained that my kidneys were not retaind the protein I needed and I was peeing it out which was not good that my kidneys could shut down if too much was being put out.....she said my numbers were only at like 300 and that that was not to bad cuz normal people being pregnant have form like 50 to 150 being put out.......so she sent me home on strict bed rest so no work no nothing just sitting and watching tv.......(I might add that a person left to watch tv and surf the internet all day will make us look at whats wrong and then we find out the worst thing possible and freak the hell out i mean really internet has access to tooo much).......wellll I was going to the dr every week for a checkup and a stress test to make sure my babies were fine and they were strong boys and kept mommy up with the kicking and moving and sat on my bladder all the time(man i miss having them in my belly) well 2 weeks later I had to go back to the hospital cuz the urine sample i left in the dr office said i had high protein again in my pee so I was in the hospital for 4 days and did 2 of the 24 hour urine collections and the first time the numbers were 400 then the second time it went to 800......well that was a big jump so my dr told me I would do the urine test like 2 times a week so we could keep an eye on it and not let it get to outta control and it really hurt me and they whole time they were preparing my for a premature birth and all the complication that can happen and the chances of my boys living were slim to none and that was horrible to hear and I cried for 3 days straight about it but then I figured out god would get me through this and he never gave us something we couldnt handle......well I was home for like 2 weeks doing the urine collections and bring them in for testing and the numbers were ok never went above 1000 so i thought I was ok but I guess not cuz a week later I was in the hospital again i mean it felt like I lived there i was in there so much the nurses knew me like we were friends......well this time the numbers went to like 2500 and then dropped back to 1000 so the sent me home and told me to stay in bed do nothing no standing nothing but i was due to be married on july 28 the next week so I decided that if I did nothing and sat in a wheeel chair then It would be on and we got married and it was all ok we went home and decided not to do a honey moon till our babies were born and safe......well the whole next week my numbers for the urine test were ok still in the 1000's but not bad and I thought that we could get to november our due date was only the 5 and we could make it well the following week on August 6 I was back in the hospital they were doing the urine test and it was at like 8000 not good at all and they gave me steroid shots to help the babies lungs develope and on wednesday the 8 my protein levels were doubled to 16000 and my kidneys were on the verge of shutting down so my dr scheduled a emergency c section she had to save me and I begged her just let them stay in for another month they were not going to survive this but she told me she could not risk my life......well the boys were born at 6 pm on the 8 of august 3 months early john was 2 lbs and james was 1lb 12ozs very tiney babies and my best memory is that they cried on their own when they were pulled out so that made me cry I was happy well the whole time on the table my blood pressure went to 200/100 which is so not good.....well after the first sight of my boys they were taken away to the NICU to be put on breathing machines and have all sorts of ivs and tubes......well because of my kidneys and blood pressure I was in the bed for 3 days on magniesim to control my blood pressure and they were giving my diuretice to make me pee cuz I was not putting out any urine just about it which is not good cuz kidney problems run in my family too so for those three days I was out of it could not stay awake at all and didnt get to see my babies and my husband wouldnot go see them or name them without me he wanted to go together and he never left my side that is a good man and I thank god for him......well after off of all the meds I finally got to see my boys and it was hard as soon as we went into the NICU I broke down and cried so long and hard the nurses were very suportive and talk to us and answered any questions we had even if we asked them the same one like 20 times cuz they didnt want us to be with out the knowledge needed to understand what our boys were going through...... well the hardest part at first was We could not touch them only talk to them and all i wanted to do was pick them up and kiss their booboos and make them better but a kiss would not fix them....... well the day we say them we named the biggest one big john and the little one james and they were little fighters give the nurses hell always trying to pull the tubes n line out it was so funny.......well the next day we were told they both had PDAs which were holes in their hearts that r supposed to close once born but theirs didnt so they did 3 round of steroid on them and they closed thank god.....well the next week they did head scanns of james head and found a bleed and said if it didnt go away on its own that he would have a mental problems so we prepared our selves for that and though well god gave us 2 so john could be his brothers shoulder to lean on......well that went away and so that would not cause problems.......welll after a month and a half we got to tough our babies and that was wonderful the hard part was to leave them there but I knew that there they were doing better cuz the hospital had all the meds and tools they neede3d to survive.....well john got strong and came off of the tube and was breathing on his own with oxygen in his nose and we go tto hold him but while john was doing good and seemed like daylight james was doing bad and seemed like dark....... we almost lost him 2 times but the dr pushed every meds she could cuz didnot want him to die so easily and she told us she would do everything in her power to keep him here with up and she did...... he got off the tube in october and we got to hold him and john both I remember holding them at the same time on one of my mid day visits and I just talked to them and loved on them they were mine and my husbands world...... welll the were due to transfer to Ochsner hospital like a hour away for a hernia surgery then they were suppose to go home...... well the day before they were supposed to leaft james had a bad spell and had to go back on the tube so they could transfer them to ochsner...... well they got to the hospital and were ok just james was on the tube again but I had hope and faith that he would get off of it again i mean he was almost 3 months old...... well the next day john had his surgey and did great he was ready to go home but james was getting worse and worse everyday........well we took john home november 11 on oxygen and monitors but I was happy he was coming home for me to finally be a mommy...... well james just went in and out of good times and bad time and we thought he was going to come home..... since john was home I only got to see james like 3 times a week and that was so horrible I felt like I abandon him but my nana seen hime everyday so my baby knew someone loved him......welll on jan 4 we were told we need to go to the hospital and the whold way I was thinking god let this be good please let it be good..... well the dr called us into the confrence room and prepared us for james to pass he said he could not tell if he would live for an hour or a week..... well his organs were shutting down and they did alll they could........ well we called the family down and told them all we had him baptized there cuz I wanted my baby to go to heaven i loved him so much...... this whole day the drs n nurses were telling us he is suffering and we should just pull the plug and let him pass on and i was like how in the hell can u tell someone to just let their little man die that was horrible how can I do that really......well on jan 5 the next night at about 10pm he passed away in his daddys arms cuz we didnt want him to pass away in a cold bed and not feel loved........walkin out to inform the family he passed I collapsed on the floor but i knew I needed to be strong...... well I have to say i never cryed much at the funeral it didnt seem reall to me like it was a dream i mean how can john be doing great and james didnt what did i do so wrong to loose him i mean did i offend god or something...... well i was strong for my husband and john cuz if i went off the deep end how would my husband make it loosing me and james so i dtayed strong i had john to tend to and he and ryan needed me.......i have to say most families around here would have busted up over a loss of a child not us we r stonger over it..... well in march of 2008 we found out I was pregnant again and th ebirth cotrol i was on didnt work.....welll we were all torn up over it just expecting the worse things possible..... well we had our healthly baby girl only 3 weeks early on dec 3 and named her after her brother james cuz it was by gods graces we had a normal pregnancy and i know james was keep a eye out for us to not go through loosing another child....... well thats my story and i know its not like many of u havign a miscarriage......



my problem is my dad remarried and they have 6 kids and they just had twins in october last year and i feel like man why is it i can not have my twins together and at first i was mad at them and the babies it hurt so bad like why did i hate sweet little ones they never did anything to me and then it got me i am just hurting and showing it in the wrong ways i need to talk about it and cant let myself cuz it make me cry and i dont want people to think i am weak i need to be strong does that make me a bad person?????

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Tammy - posted on 05/07/2010

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Your not a bad person, there is not one person i have talked to that has said at one time or another that they wished that they had their child with them and got angry with other parents for one reason or another...i too carried twins, unfortunately at 36 weeks there was complications and i lost them..for me, when i see someone with two little girls that look the same my thoughts go to ..what if? and why?..from the time that has passed for me, i can tell you that it gets easier, you learn to find comfort in things that brought you to tears very early on in your loss.

Hold on to the fact that you have one son to watch grow up, know his brother is around him in some way and that you are not without him in your life, hold on to the memories and you hold on to your son.

I am sorry for your loss..

Tammy
Mommy to Twin angels

Andrea - posted on 02/25/2010

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I feel your pain and I'm so sorry for your loss and the experience you went through with your twin boys. I too lost one of my twin boys in April last year. My little angel was 2 days old when he died. I understand being jealous over people that have twins because I so badly want my boys together. You can't be a bad person if you are true to your feelings. You cannot control how you feel and never feel you are weak. That is all a part of grieving.

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