Venting& confessions

Tammi - posted on 06/22/2009

Quoting Tammi:

Quoting Angela:

I'd like to vent about 3 things:

1) It is so hard for me to see baby girls, especially ones with blond hair and blue eyes like my angel Julia. I can hardly bring myself to even look at them, and I don't want to hold anyone else's baby girl, only MY baby girl.

2) I HATE it when people ask us if we want more children or are trying, etc. That is a decision that we have decided not to make because we are so afraid of "what if it happens again?". We are not using birth control, and we are not actively trying. If we conceive, we'd be both thrilled and terrified at the same time.

3) I'm going out on a limb with this one, but I am hoping that I can openly share my feelings without being judged.

Before my daughter was stillborn, I attended church on a regular basis (usually weekly). Not any more. I believe that her death is God's fault, that God killed my baby and took her away from me. I will never get over my grief and anger, and I blame God. I hate God.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

I held a brand new baby yesterday that belongs to my son's best friend.  My son was killed in a car accident in January.  I cried, my husband cried, when we realized that we will never have this with our son who passed.  The new baby looked very similar to our son when he was a baby, which only added to our pain.

My husband told me one day, after our son passed, that he wanted me to have a tubal reversal and have another child.  I can't do that, because you can't replace the child that you lost with another one, not physically or mentally.  And, those "what if's" eat you alive, if you let them.

I have attended church in a very long time, probably 14 years ago was the last time I went.  I have not attended church for religious aspects since Eric's death.  I have, however, gone to another funeral and suffered another death in my family the day after my son's death.  So I had two funerals one week apart, and we are looking at another one for my aunt in about 6 weeks to pancreatic cancer.  This year is not going to be a good one for our family.

What I would like to tell you is this....let God have your anger.  He is a big guy, and he can take anything you throw at him.  He will listen to you rant, rave, and scream at him.  He can handle your anger and rage, so let him have it.  I am not an overly religious person, but I am very spiritual.  I believe in God, and I don't believe that it is His intent to hurt us in the manner that we hurt.

I personally don't blame God for taking my child.  He must have been needed elsewhere to be taken from us so abruptly.  Do I grieve?  Every day.  Do I cry?  Every day (although the longest I have made it without crying is about 36 hours).  I go many nights without sleep, and have been put on medications to help me cope.  Do I miss him?  After 18 years, 9 months, and 11 days, I would be an idiot if I didn't.  Or at least a mother who didn't care about her son.  I rejoice in the fact that while we are living in Hell every day, he is spending his time in Paradise and watching over us, just as your daughter does for you.

I wish you all the best.  I hope that your anger will fade one day, and you will see that your baby has a brand new pair of wings and is flying high in the stars watching over you.  My mind keeps remembering part of a verse, and I cannot remember where it came from, but it basically states that God gives us our babies on loan...they are never ours to keep, and we never know when He will take them back.  Please find the book "On Grief and Grieving" by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David??? .  I think it will help you.  I know that it helped me.

I realized after I posted this that I made an error.  Though the funerals were exactly a week apart, my cousin killed himself the day after my son's funeral, not the day after my son's death.

Tammi - posted on 06/22/2009

Quoting Angela:

I'd like to vent about 3 things:

1) It is so hard for me to see baby girls, especially ones with blond hair and blue eyes like my angel Julia. I can hardly bring myself to even look at them, and I don't want to hold anyone else's baby girl, only MY baby girl.

2) I HATE it when people ask us if we want more children or are trying, etc. That is a decision that we have decided not to make because we are so afraid of "what if it happens again?". We are not using birth control, and we are not actively trying. If we conceive, we'd be both thrilled and terrified at the same time.

3) I'm going out on a limb with this one, but I am hoping that I can openly share my feelings without being judged.

Before my daughter was stillborn, I attended church on a regular basis (usually weekly). Not any more. I believe that her death is God's fault, that God killed my baby and took her away from me. I will never get over my grief and anger, and I blame God. I hate God.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

I held a brand new baby yesterday that belongs to my son's best friend.  My son was killed in a car accident in January.  I cried, my husband cried, when we realized that we will never have this with our son who passed.  The new baby looked very similar to our son when he was a baby, which only added to our pain.

My husband told me one day, after our son passed, that he wanted me to have a tubal reversal and have another child.  I can't do that, because you can't replace the child that you lost with another one, not physically or mentally.  And, those "what if's" eat you alive, if you let them.

I have attended church in a very long time, probably 14 years ago was the last time I went.  I have not attended church for religious aspects since Eric's death.  I have, however, gone to another funeral and suffered another death in my family the day after my son's death.  So I had two funerals one week apart, and we are looking at another one for my aunt in about 6 weeks to pancreatic cancer.  This year is not going to be a good one for our family.

What I would like to tell you is this....let God have your anger.  He is a big guy, and he can take anything you throw at him.  He will listen to you rant, rave, and scream at him.  He can handle your anger and rage, so let him have it.  I am not an overly religious person, but I am very spiritual.  I believe in God, and I don't believe that it is His intent to hurt us in the manner that we hurt.

I personally don't blame God for taking my child.  He must have been needed elsewhere to be taken from us so abruptly.  Do I grieve?  Every day.  Do I cry?  Every day (although the longest I have made it without crying is about 36 hours).  I go many nights without sleep, and have been put on medications to help me cope.  Do I miss him?  After 18 years, 9 months, and 11 days, I would be an idiot if I didn't.  Or at least a mother who didn't care about her son.  I rejoice in the fact that while we are living in Hell every day, he is spending his time in Paradise and watching over us, just as your daughter does for you.

I wish you all the best.  I hope that your anger will fade one day, and you will see that your baby has a brand new pair of wings and is flying high in the stars watching over you.  My mind keeps remembering part of a verse, and I cannot remember where it came from, but it basically states that God gives us our babies on loan...they are never ours to keep, and we never know when He will take them back.  Please find the book "On Grief and Grieving" by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David??? .  I think it will help you.  I know that it helped me.

Tammi - posted on 06/22/2009

Quoting Angela:

I'd like to vent about 3 things:

1) It is so hard for me to see baby girls, especially ones with blond hair and blue eyes like my angel Julia. I can hardly bring myself to even look at them, and I don't want to hold anyone else's baby girl, only MY baby girl.

2) I HATE it when people ask us if we want more children or are trying, etc. That is a decision that we have decided not to make because we are so afraid of "what if it happens again?". We are not using birth control, and we are not actively trying. If we conceive, we'd be both thrilled and terrified at the same time.

3) I'm going out on a limb with this one, but I am hoping that I can openly share my feelings without being judged.

Before my daughter was stillborn, I attended church on a regular basis (usually weekly). Not any more. I believe that her death is God's fault, that God killed my baby and took her away from me. I will never get over my grief and anger, and I blame God. I hate God.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

I held a brand new baby yesterday that belongs to my son's best friend.  My son was killed in a car accident in January.  I cried, my husband cried, when we realized that we will never have this with our son who passed.  The new baby looked very similar to our son when he was a baby, which only added to our pain.

My husband told me one day, after our son passed, that he wanted me to have a tubal reversal and have another child.  I can't do that, because you can't replace the child that you lost with another one, not physically or mentally.  And, those "what if's" eat you alive, if you let them.

I have attended church in a very long time, probably 14 years ago was the last time I went.  I have not attended church for religious aspects since Eric's death.  I have, however, gone to another funeral and suffered another death in my family the day after my son's death.  So I had two funerals one week apart, and we are looking at another one for my aunt in about 6 weeks to pancreatic cancer.  This year is not going to be a good one for our family.

What I would like to tell you is this....let God have your anger.  He is a big guy, and he can take anything you throw at him.  He will listen to you rant, rave, and scream at him.  He can handle your anger and rage, so let him have it.  I am not an overly religious person, but I am very spiritual.  I believe in God, and I don't believe that it is His intent to hurt us in the manner that we hurt.

I personally don't blame God for taking my child.  He must have been needed elsewhere to be taken from us so abruptly.  Do I grieve?  Every day.  Do I cry?  Every day (although the longest I have made it without crying is about 36 hours).  I go many nights without sleep, and have been put on medications to help me cope.  Do I miss him?  After 18 years, 9 months, and 11 days, I would be an idiot if I didn't.  Or at least a mother who didn't care about her son.  I rejoice in the fact that while we are living in Hell every day, he is spending his time in Paradise and watching over us, just as your daughter does for you.

I wish you all the best.  I hope that your anger will fade one day, and you will see that your baby has a brand new pair of wings and is flying high in the stars watching over you.  My mind keeps remembering part of a verse, and I cannot remember where it came from, but it basically states that God gives us our babies on loan...they are never ours to keep, and we never know when He will take them back.  Please find the book "On Grief and Grieving" by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David??? .  I think it will help you.  I know that it helped me.

Angela - posted on 06/01/2009

I'd like to vent about 3 things:



1) It is so hard for me to see baby girls, especially ones with blond hair and blue eyes like my angel Julia. I can hardly bring myself to even look at them, and I don't want to hold anyone else's baby girl, only MY baby girl.



2) I HATE it when people ask us if we want more children or are trying, etc. That is a decision that we have decided not to make because we are so afraid of "what if it happens again?". We are not using birth control, and we are not actively trying. If we conceive, we'd be both thrilled and terrified at the same time.



3) I'm going out on a limb with this one, but I am hoping that I can openly share my feelings without being judged.



Before my daughter was stillborn, I attended church on a regular basis (usually weekly). Not any more. I believe that her death is God's fault, that God killed my baby and took her away from me. I will never get over my grief and anger, and I blame God. I hate God.



Does anyone else feel the same way?

Sharissa - posted on 04/18/2009

i am so glad that i have found this... reading ur stories i feel a little less alone, i lost my second daughter poppy vanessa, at 21 weeks to anencephaly. although we didnt find out about her condition until the 20th week i always knew in my heart i wouldnt have two babies at the end of it. while i was preg with poppy we also found out my partners sister in law was expecting, as was my best friend, after losing poppy i hated them so much, why didnt they lose their babies instead, we could have given her everything, just like our older daughter, who had turned 1only a week before i delivered poppy,we r muchmore finacially stable than the other two couples and we have our own house. wouldnt it have made sense for our daughter to be healthy not theirs??

my patrners brother and his partner had a lil girl 6 weeks after my due date (4th may), i was so jealous, we didnt even visit them for almost a month after the bub was born. every now and then i look at their daughter, as pretty as she is and i have so much resentment toward her, she took my babies place in the family!!!

i feel like such a terrible person for saying those things, but im glad i have vented.

i also felt a guilt at the time of poppy's first birthday, that i couldnt buy her anything, so we decided to donate some money to a foundation at our local hospital for bereaved parents, which had helped us in the beginning. then i also had the idea of buying her a charm bracelet, evry year adding a new charm on her bday and displaying it in a frame in the family room so everybody can see it!

thanks for allowing me the opportunity to get my thoughts out, i am sure i wil be back soon wen i think of something else to bitch about lol

xoxo

Shannan - posted on 02/14/2009

Hang in there Michelle.  It is really tough to lose a baby.  I didn't want to hold my nephews after my son Aidan passed.  He was a stillborn, june 21, 2005.  I came to realize however that I could let Aidan live through my nephews and others.  I pass what I know would be  his love on to them.  As bad as your weeks are, your are alive, so live!  Your son would want that, he certainly wouldn't want to see any harm come to his mother who he still loves so very much until this day.  He knows he will see  you again and the time will come when you will be reunited.  In the meantime, make a difference here and spread his love around, let him live on through you!  You need to talk to your husband about your feelings, chances are he has a lot of them too just can't get them out.  Going to counseling  helped me and my  husband out a lot, I don't know how we would manage if we didn't talk to each other.  I am sure your husband loves you, he is still with you,  he will understand and want to help you and himself heal.

Take care of yourself,

Shannan

Annie - posted on 02/13/2009

My dearest Michelle, 

Reading your post makes me cry.  How you must have agonized at the loss of your son.  And yes, your anger is understandable - God could have chosen another child to become his angel... It's so unfair that children are taken from mothers who really want them, who take care of their child, who really love them.  That is why I feel so sad each time I read about a baby being dumped in the garbage can, or left in the church or elsewhere...

I had a miscarriage many years ago - back in 1979.  I was only 8 weeks pregnant.  They couldnt even tell if my baby was a boy or a girl. 

wounds are not easy to heal and I did ask why God put me through that test.  A wise friend answered:  " If He brings you to it, He will see you through it. " 

So, each pain, each difficulty, each tear, I offered to God, and I bore my cross silently, knowing that each offering brings me closer to Him.

We are here as mere transients in this world.  Our ultimate goal is to go to our home in Heaven where we will be united with all our loved ones and there will only be  joy and happiness abounding ... no tears and sorrow ...

There will always be bad weeks, which will pain you Michelle... think about your little angel in heaven and how happy he would be to know that his mother is getting closer to him through her little sacrifices, through embracing and loving the cross we have in our lives...

I will pray for you michelle, the Our Mother Mary will give you comfort because, of all the mothers in the world, she suffered the most, seeing her beloved son on the cross for people who don't even care...  I'm not talking about religion here - I am just looking at it from a mother's point of view... how her heart must have ached, ready to burst as she stood there looking at how her son has suffered...

Take care ...

xx

Michelle - posted on 02/02/2009

First time here... I lost my little boy - Sean Patrick - to SIDS on Feb 1, 2001.  He was 4 1/2 months old... And I miss him terribly.  And I want another child so bad that it hurts almost as much as I hurt missing Sean.

My husband - is a lot older then me... He has three grown daughters (31, 28, 25)  The oldest and youngest have little girls... They are both 3... And I love them dearly - but it took a long time for me to even be able to hold them or look at them... Now the youngest is having another child... She is having a Boy... And it's killing me inside... At moments I hate her - I hate my life - I hate my husband... I just hate everyone and everything... And I am so MAD at God... I wonder why he hates me so much that he would take my little boy from me - and then "taunt" me w/my husbands children and grandchildren...

Yesterday was Sean's 8 year Heaven Day... Each year gets a little easier... But I am still so mad... and sad... and depressed at times... We went to the cememtary and out for lunch... Then we walked over the Mississippi on a bridge and saw 3 bald eagles... The day overall was very nice...

When the youngest told us she was expecting again - i was glad i was home sick that day - because i couldn't stop crying... Then when we found out it was a boy - holy cow...I am so very jealous... and angry... Why does she get to have children?  Why haven't her children died?  Why am I the only one in the family (both sides) that has lost a child?  Why won't my husband open his heart and how much this is hurting me?  I can't tell him - because he doesn't/won't understand.  He is so excited about have a grandson - he told me he was going to build the baby a boat... It was all I could not to smack him...

I feel like i am dying inside right now... and truthfully - i wish i were... everytime i get sick - i think - is this it?  do i finally get to leave this hell we call earth and go see my wonderful little boy?  many times when i am in a car - i imagine myself getting in a terrible car accident and dying... I just want to hold him again...

So - thank you letting me rant... Just having a bad few weeks right now...

Shannan - posted on 01/27/2009

Yea, I've done that before.  Sometimes I try to buy something for my girls that he and them would play with.  Last year for his birthday, I bought a new slide.  It makes me feel good to still be buying a present for him and watching my other children use it. This year Aidan left the girls a stuffed angel bear in their stocking, they loved it.

Donna - posted on 01/27/2009

I buy a present in any of the shops that say donate a toy for a child at christmas. This year it was asdas. I buy for the age my little alfie would have been. I feel soo much better for doing it and it is helping others at the same time. xxxxx

Hilaire - posted on 12/15/2008

everytime I see little boy stuff I wonder what kinds of things my little boy would like or what he would look like now what size clothes would he be wearing :(

I really cant wait till the hoilday of christmas is over

Shannan - posted on 12/14/2008

Yea, this year is easier than others. Still difficult though to look at boy toys since I have only girls here on earth. Feels good to know I'm not the only one feeling that.

Hilaire - posted on 12/13/2008

im with you there one min im in the christmas spirt the next min im like so upset and unhappy. but its getting better as time moves on

Shannan - posted on 12/12/2008

Christmas is a difficult time of year, just thinking of gifts that will never be bought! We do our own things to remember our son and help, but sometimes I feel a teeny bit scroogish. Luckily it passes quickly