When will the hurting stop?

Shannon - posted on 01/21/2010

When I lost my son, I was almost 18 weeks along....a few more weeks and I would have had to make funeral arrangements. I decided he was a part of my life and there was no hiding it (since most people just found out I was expecting) and he was real. The first year was really hard and I too wondered what if. The first Christmas, I bought him a Christmas tree ornament just like I do for my other children. Although I didnt bring him home from the hospital, he made such an impact on my life and I am truly grateful for the little time God granted me to have him. I have 2 other children and they know about their brother. This year, he would be 4. Life does go on and it does get easier. They dont want to look down from heaven and see how much pain you are in. You were granted the time to have your baby for 10 weeks....celebrate that and try to find something to hold on to. Remember......your little blessing is waiting for you when you get to heaven with open arms, and he or she can't wait for you to hold them either!!

Rebecca - posted on 01/18/2010

Hi Mary, Just to let you know Anabelle's birth was what they called normal and she was at home with me for six weeks xoxo

Rebecca - posted on 01/18/2010

Hi Mary, thank you for sharing your story. My daughter Anabelle was 8 weeks old when she passed away. Did I cry! I had over 20 operations to try to have a baby so when I was told my baby may only live a few weeks or months my world came down. After she passed away my husband decided he could not cope and left me! She would be seven now. I have remarried and now have another beautiful daughter called Giselle. I cannot have any more children as I had to have everthing removed die to tumours. Somehow I got through it all. I cant say it's not hard and not to cry and please dont think you could have done more, I thought that for a long time and even took some people to court over her death and won. It did not bring her back. Yoga has been a wonderful thing for me. I did not do it straight after her pasing but when I did my life started to shine again. Please feel free to email me. Love and light Rebecca (Yoga Mums 'Aussie yoga') xoxo

Leah - posted on 01/15/2010

My daughter tatyana was 14 months when she died almost three years ago in march 2007. For no reason, unknown causes was the final result , SUDC.
I still hurt to this day and although I have been blessed with her little sister who is now 2 yrs old. I lead a very bittersweet life and I am an emotional roller coaster. Just keep seeking out support. Over time I have been able to do things to keep my mind from being sad. I keep busy around the house or I try to leave the house. But sometimes I just feel heavy and sick.

Jessica - posted on 12/30/2009

HI, I lost my baby girl in January of 2005. I was 37 weeks along when I had her and it was a nightmare. I just don't see how it could have happened to me. I go to the docter one week and everything looks good and 6 days latter I go for my next week check up and there is no sign of life. I wonder what I did from on week to the next to cause this but, then I think God knew what had to be done. I go to the hospital to have her becouse they could not do a dnc, she was to big, they made me go through the whole laber. I had an otopys done and found out that she would have sever medical problems if she had of lived, And I think that god knew I could not deal with it, but the time I had with her he kew I would pull through. I buried my little girl on the 20th of January of 2005. She was born on January 17th. She would be 5 years old in January 2010. I still have not let her go and I will always hold her in my heart for she will always be a child to me, weather on earth or in hevan. I have leared to deal with it by knowing that she is better off with the lord in heaven then she would have been here on earth, and knowing that one day I will see her. You will probly not ever get over it but you have to belive that it was for a good reason that it happened and think of the positive things that could have been. And I did have a son a year and 9 months after she died, but he still was not the answer to my hurting. I love him just the same but she is always in my heart and always will be to the end.

Heidi - posted on 12/11/2009

It's been ten years since the loss of my Matthew as well as 3 healthy children later and I still cry on the day he grew his wings. I was only 19 when I buried my first child. In 2007 I had a miscarriage and I still think about that baby as well. The pain for your child never goes away. Days do get easier as the years go by, but the day they grew their wings still hurts. I have an almost 14 month old at home and this year when Matthew's birthday(he was stillborn) I held my daughter and cried and told her about her brother she would never meet. The year before my husband held me as I cried. Some men understand and some don't. I had an ex boyfriend who told me to "just get over Matthew" yet he would cry over the loss of a miscarriage his then wife had YEARS before Matthew was born.
A friend of mine was only about a month behind me when I was pregnant with Matthew. I was very jealous of the fact of Andrea being born and that my friend was able to have her child and I wasn't. My friend did help me with some of the pain and brought her daughter to me to hold and love on. Yes it wasnt the same as holding my own son in my arms but it helped me over come the pain but only a bit of it.
It is not your fault that you lost your baby and I too couldnt stand other babies and pregnancies until Andrea was in my arms.
When I got pregnant with my oldest living, (found out I was pregnant only weeks after Matthew's first birthday), I was scared until after I was 6 months along.(Matthew was born at 6 months.) Even the other two pregnancies I went full term, I kinda "freaked" about everything.

and to Zoe... like I said the pain never goes away. Days get easier to deal with. I, ten years later, still cry over watching/hearing/listening to someone's story of losing a child. I delivered Matthew naturally. I too said to give me everything to kill the pain of childbirth. I too was told their was no heartbeat all by myself and no one to comfort me. I was transported from the doctor's office to my apartment to get things and my boyfriend then to the hospital where then they officially stated there was no heart beat. All the doctor did was point to where Matthew's heart was on the screen and said "that is the heart. It's not beating. I am sorry." No remorse came out of his voice at all. Then he walked out of the room. I was then taken to a room to be induced. I had to be induced twice before my water broke. Finally when his head was crowned, I had to call for the doctor to come. It took them 15 minutes to get to the room. I was shaking from head to my toe. When he finally was born, all I heard was my mother screaming OH MY GOD DO YOU HAVE A NAME PICKED OUT?, since we were told that Matthew was a girl. The doctor handed me him right away, then got yelled at by the nurse and told me she was sorry for him not being sensitive. I was then handed Matthew back all cleaned up. He had all 10 toes, 10 fingers, and reddish blonde hair. I regret now not getting a picture of him but I will never forget his face!

The last ten years has been a bit rough. I have had family members tell me that I killed him. Some have said it wasn't my fault. Most have said it's better off and that it just wasn't his time. In my heart, Matthew was given to me to help me change for the better. Before he was born, I only cared about myself and didn't care if I hurt anyone in the process. I now have realized that life is short, take it one day at a time. To tell those you love, "I love you" all the time.
Never forget the child/children you have lost. Always keep their memory alive in your heart.
Yes it's been ten years since he has been gone, but when I talk about it, it's like it was yesterday. I still hurt. I still cry, as I wipe the tears from my cheek. I still think "what if". And just because I have had other children doesnt mean I have replaced Matthew in anyway. He is still part of my family. (I have been told I have also replaced him).

If any of you need to talk, I am here. Losing a child is never an easy thing but having someone who knows the pain helps more than you can think.

Heidi

Jennifer - posted on 06/04/2009

I had a miscarriage on June 10, 2005 (I was 10 weeks preggy). The pain is still present but not as much anymore. I read a lot of miscarriage books that talked about people's personal experiences and read tons of miscarriage poems that gave me comfort. For the longest time I felt like it was my fault since my body wasn't able to protect my baby.

With the support from my family and husband I was able to get through it. They kept reminding me it's not my fault (at times i still feel like it is). Each time I would see a pregnant woman, a baby, or pass by the baby aisle at stores I would start sobbing. I knew I wanted a baby and wasn't going to let my fear get in the way. In the end, I gave birth to a healthy and beautiful baby girl.

The pain will never fully subside but it does get better with time.

GOD BLESS....

JEN

Kiki - posted on 03/31/2009

I lost my son 5yrs ago on April 24th and everyday hurts as much as the next..I lost him at 19weeks gst never got the chance to see him other then on the u.s screen with no heartbeat.. didnt get a picture of him because I wasnt strong enough to handle the pain of seeing him unalive..I dont like the other word.Everything seemed fine during my pregnancy no complications I was scheduled for an u.s two days prior to the one I had.. All of a sudden I felt sick and had cramps I went to my doctor and he couldnt find his heartbeat and sent me for an emergency u.s the results Im sure you all caught on.. was horrible.. I still to this day remember looking at the screen of my once healthy son.I now have a beautiful daughter whos 17mths and I pray to God everyday for keeping us both healthy and safe during my pregnancy.. I dont know where I would be without her.. Just keep your head high and pray to God and althought the pain dosent go away maybe one day you will be blessed with a bundle of joy who will keep you busy so your not always consitantly thinking about your angels.. God bless you all and Im sorry to hear about all your loses

Hazel - posted on 02/24/2009

Dear Mary:  It's been 36 years since I lost my first baby, and I still feel jealous every time I see a woman with child.  I never gave up hope that I would one day have children, but for some reason it was not to be.  At 53, I still think of adopting or at the very least being a foster parent.

The big news story in the Toronto Star yesterday was about the 90 children who have died in welfare homes in this city since 2007.  I almost couldn't believe it.  Women like ourselves would give anything to have a child, while others that have been blessed with one or more children are unable to care for them.

I feel confident that you and your husband will be parents some day in the future.  Don't give up!!!!  There are miracles taking place every day!!!

Hazel - posted on 02/24/2009

Quoting Mary:

When will the hurting stop?

It has been 13 months since I lost my baby. I was only 10 weeks along when I had my miscarriage but it still felt like a piece of my heart was being broken off and would never be repaired. My Ob/Gyn thought that I had probably been carrying twins which made my loss that much greater. I had no one that I could talk to about my miscarriage because the only person that knew that I was pregnant was my husband. All I could do for days was cry and my husband could not understand why it hurt me so badly. He was hurting as well, but not in the same way. We finally talked to our pastor and his wife about the miscarriage, but they could only help so much since they had never experienced this loss first hand. It was hard seeing my sister-in-law getting bigger and having her own healthy baby when I had lost mine. The worst part was when my other sister-in-law told us first that they were expecting again and did not even realize how much this tore me up inside. Just counting down the days till I should have had my baby was excrutiating. I kept thinking in my head what did I do to deserve this loss? Was there anything that I could have done to prevent this from happening? Being a nurse I know that there was nothing that I could have done, but that didn't help comfort me at all. Time has healed some of the pain, but everytime I look at a baby I see the child I will never hold. I just keep wondering when will I be able to look and talk about babies and pregnancy and not feel the overwhelming need to bawl like a baby. My husband and I want to try and get pregnant again, but I am afraid to try and get hurt again. I don't know how to let go of my pain and what I need to do. I know I need to trust in God and let him heal my pain but it is so hard. I would really appreciate any suggestions that any of you have.

Kathy - posted on 02/15/2009

I hear and understand your feelings, Mary.  I lost my baby at 11 weeks and am facing my 'due date' this week.  I feel the range of emotions (sometimes erratically), and sometimes wonder, too, how long this goes on or if I'll ever get back to 'normal'.  Today I teared up in the mall because of walking past the baby clothes.  Other days I'm okay.  For awhile, I couldn't be around pregnant women at all...now my sister, cousin and sister-in-law are having their babies and I"m not.  But I do see God's hand holding on to me, even when I still hurt.  For me, the best thing I did was talk to others about my loss.  I found out that one of my good friends had suffered two miscarriages in the last year--and we both found it so helpful to vent to each other.  A cousin and two sisters-in-law have also lost babies...talking to them keeps me sane.  One lost her baby over 6 years ago, and she said she still remembers and feels sad sometimes, but we both agree that honoring their memory by grieving is okay and good.  I don't know if this is helpful, but I've found sharing my burden lightens it.

Tammy - posted on 02/14/2009

Quoting Mary:

When will the hurting stop?

It has been 13 months since I lost my baby. I was only 10 weeks along when I had my miscarriage but it still felt like a piece of my heart was being broken off and would never be repaired. My Ob/Gyn thought that I had probably been carrying twins which made my loss that much greater. I had no one that I could talk to about my miscarriage because the only person that knew that I was pregnant was my husband. All I could do for days was cry and my husband could not understand why it hurt me so badly. He was hurting as well, but not in the same way. We finally talked to our pastor and his wife about the miscarriage, but they could only help so much since they had never experienced this loss first hand. It was hard seeing my sister-in-law getting bigger and having her own healthy baby when I had lost mine. The worst part was when my other sister-in-law told us first that they were expecting again and did not even realize how much this tore me up inside. Just counting down the days till I should have had my baby was excrutiating. I kept thinking in my head what did I do to deserve this loss? Was there anything that I could have done to prevent this from happening? Being a nurse I know that there was nothing that I could have done, but that didn't help comfort me at all. Time has healed some of the pain, but everytime I look at a baby I see the child I will never hold. I just keep wondering when will I be able to look and talk about babies and pregnancy and not feel the overwhelming need to bawl like a baby. My husband and I want to try and get pregnant again, but I am afraid to try and get hurt again. I don't know how to let go of my pain and what I need to do. I know I need to trust in God and let him heal my pain but it is so hard. I would really appreciate any suggestions that any of you have.

hi,

like i said in my last response i have been there, in this case 7 times, every time is not easier than the one before but i can tell you this, if you rush and your body is not ready it will happen again, with me, i tried again too soon and over and over, it wasn't until i gave up trying and trusted that it would at some point that i got pregnant with my daughter and she was with us 9 months later

Take your time, don't try, if its the right time, it will happen..take care

Tammy - posted on 02/14/2009

Quoting Zoe:

Mary,
I am so sorry for your loss. My Emma was full term and had two days before she was due. I went for a routine check-up on the Monday as she was due on Wednesday, they were going to sort how she was to be delivered as she was a very big girl. Up until that day, there had been nothing wrong ever (not even morning sickness) with me or Emma. And I never had even contemplated the outcome. They couldn't find the heartbeat at the clinic, they tried twice and I thought she was playing with us at first, because my gynae had said she would "slow down" as she prepared for her grand exit. They recommended we go to the doctors office up the road for a u/sound, which we did, and the whole time we were there the receptionist kept telling me, they are wrong, their equipment is old at the clinic that it might be faulty and you'll be fine.
I got onto the bed, and jellied up, and the place on the screen I had come to know as her heart for 9 months, wasn't moving. I went cold, I cried, I screamed, I freaked out. I wanted to get ahold of my other half, but he'd left his phone next to the bed that morning. I ran out crying to the car park where some random lady just held me while i mumbled that she was gone, how can she be gone?
I had an emergency c-section. I was given the choice of natural, but I am NOT strong enough, mentally and physically for the end result of natural. I told them to knock me out and wake me up when it was over. To this day it still seems like a bad dream, I can relive it everytime, but it feels like I'm watching a movie, like I wasn't really present, I know I was but it feels like it isn't me, make sense?
When they woke me up, they asked if I wanted to see her, which I didn't cause I was imagining her all deformed, this must have been the reason that she didn't live... But thankfully my dad talked me into it. She was beautiful, so peaceful, 10 fingers, 10 toes... Nothing wrong, except she wasn't breathing...
I'm rambling now, but I wanted to tell you, for me it's almost been 10 months, you have been grieving a lot longer than me, and I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... Everyday something new is "thrown" at me. Trying to fix a broken heart, the hopes and dreams shattered, it all takes time. I see a councillor, and if you haven't yet tried this I do recommend it. They paired me off with someone who also has lost a child, I informed them of my situation before I went, as I didn't want to talk to anone who didn't have a clue and although her grief is very different to mine, she can relate. That helps. Also talking to people in groups on FB that you will never meet. The people who have been through exactly what you have, and feel exactly what you feel. Sometimes, you don't need to say something, they just know... You may have been in the early stages of preganacy, but you were excited, you saw a different future, and it's not like it was sposed to turn out.
I have lost most of my friends due to this, as they don't know quite what to say to me anymore. And instead of just being the shoulder to cry on, they have turned their backs on me, so the fact that it is you and your husband, lean on eachother.
My other half left me in the beginning of January as he couldn't "take" me anymore. He didn't understand why I would randomly cry at babies, or baby clothes or be afraid to go out incase I see a pregnant person, so also instead of being there to support me, he left. He said he knew "Emma is in a better place. Move on", and I can't turn off my feelings just like that.
The pain will never leaves you I'm told, the days / pain will only become more bearable. GREAT!
I also question why me? No-one has the answers, no-one can tell me anything that makes any sense, and telling me "you can always have another" encites a rage in me so that the person saying it must move before I kill them. I don't want another, I wanted Emma.
If you ever just want to rant (like I have), add me as a friend and I'll be the shoulder if you have no-one else xx
Much love to you, your husband and your two angels xx

Zoë

Hi Zoe,

I know you didnt start this conversation but i want to tell you ..that it does get easier. I myself have lost twins at 36 weeks and i was forced to deliver with out a c-section. I know what it feels like, i know what it is to see a baby that just looks like it is sleeping and you want it so desperately to just wake up.

I have also had 7 miscarraiges, and five live children. its been a long road that started with the twins, but in the end, I realized that loosing these babies, going through this and having angels around me, makes me realize that..it changed me. I am no longer the person i was before i had my girls, it took me a long time to realize that and that it was ok to be different..i am different but i am better.

I know what it felt like to look at another mom with a baby, and think why her and not me..but i have also felt the other way, thinking i am so grateful to have my baby..

hang in there, this will work out where you come to a point of understanding, all the things you have mentioned in your email happen to lots of moms, you are not alone..

If you want to chat..i am here..take care of your self and i am sorry for your loss

Caroline - posted on 01/30/2009

Mary,

I understand the fear of planning for a child after a miscarriage. I was absolutly terrified. Even when I found out that I was pregnant again it was hard to be happy because of the fear. but I have a quote on my fridge that says "Take the leap, and builf your wings on the way down."

No baby will ever replace the ones that you lost,there will always be an empty spot. But that spot doesn't need to go unnoticed. You will be able to tell your other children(if you chose to have them) about the brief lives of thier older siblings.

I miscarried a little boy at 16 weeks in Nov 2006. I did not want to forget (and still don't) and I was concerned that my daughters 2 and 1 would never know about their little brother. In december of the same year a girlfriend of mine who had also had a miscarriage help me make a shadow box with the things that the hospital gave me(u/sound, hand/foot tracings,nace card, and a few things i added). A few months later when I was ready, I put it up on the wall (with our family pics)and I talked to my girls about "Alex". We also celebrate his birthday.

I now have a 6 month old son and I love him, and I will tell him about his older brother.

If you need to bawl, bawl. If you need to scream, scream. I wanted to just be alone (we hadn't told anyone that we were pregnant either, but had to (different story))

Just remember that you are not alone.

Caroline

Tracy - posted on 01/30/2009

Hi Mary,

I'm sorry for your loss, it's not an easy thing to happen to anyone. I've had 2 miscarriages and I will never forget either of them. The first one I was only 17 and that was hard as I felt there was no one to talk to. My second was in 2007 I was carrying twins and lost one at 5 months I didn't know at the time that it was twins and I felt it was my fault as if I should have known and been able to stop it in some way. I look at my little girl who is 2 next week and just feel so lucky to have her but I will never ever forget the one I lost, my two older boys decided to name her Chloe. She will always be part of our family and with my beliefs I hope she will some how know that we love her.

Carolyn - posted on 01/29/2009

Mary, I'm so sorry for your pain, no-one should have to go through this. it's been 16 months since my last miscarriage, i've had three now. I'm sorry to say the pain never fully goes away, it does get easier though. I find it very hard to deal with other people having babies, i then feel selfish for the why them and not me questions. It's very hard when it's family. My brothers girlfriend is pregnant and he couldn't understand why my initial gut reaction wasn't yipee, he said that I should be over it by now! I find that sometimes, i just have to go with the pain, and let it out, I'll go upstairs climb into bed and just cry. I know it's not "moving on" as people who haven't experienced this expect you to do, but don't worry about them and their expectations of when you should be "over it" just take your time. If you want someone to talk to let me know. You're not alone!

Mary - posted on 01/28/2009

Zoe,

Thank you so much for you  thoughts and your understanding.  I am so sorry for your loss also.  You have suffered so much more than I have.  I think it would have been much harder if I had been farther along and had my baby like you did.  I am lucky that my husband has stood by me and tries to understand where I am coming from.  He understands that I am still hurting and he tries to help shield me from others.  I pray that you are able to find someway to grieve and find some semblence of piece.  I know that I try everyday and slowly it seems to be getting better.  Definitely having people to talk to who understand where I am coming from is a help.  You will be in my prayers.

Zoe - posted on 01/27/2009

Mary,

I am so sorry for your loss. My Emma was full term and had two days before she was due. I went for a routine check-up on the Monday as she was due on Wednesday, they were going to sort how she was to be delivered as she was a very big girl. Up until that day, there had been nothing wrong ever (not even morning sickness) with me or Emma. And I never had even contemplated the outcome. They couldn't find the heartbeat at the clinic, they tried twice and I thought she was playing with us at first, because my gynae had said she would "slow down" as she prepared for her grand exit. They recommended we go to the doctors office up the road for a u/sound, which we did, and the whole time we were there the receptionist kept telling me, they are wrong, their equipment is old at the clinic that it might be faulty and you'll be fine.

I got onto the bed, and jellied up, and the place on the screen I had come to know as her heart for 9 months, wasn't moving. I went cold, I cried, I screamed, I freaked out. I wanted to get ahold of my other half, but he'd left his phone next to the bed that morning. I ran out crying to the car park where some random lady just held me while i mumbled that she was gone, how can she be gone?

I had an emergency c-section. I was given the choice of natural, but I am NOT strong enough, mentally and physically for the end result of natural. I told them to knock me out and wake me up when it was over. To this day it still seems like a bad dream, I can relive it everytime, but it feels like I'm watching a movie, like I wasn't really present, I know I was but it feels like it isn't me, make sense?

When they woke me up, they asked if I wanted to see her, which I didn't cause I was imagining her all deformed, this must have been the reason that she didn't live... But thankfully my dad talked me into it. She was beautiful, so peaceful, 10 fingers, 10 toes... Nothing wrong, except she wasn't breathing...

I'm rambling now, but I wanted to tell you, for me it's almost been 10 months, you have been grieving a lot longer than me, and I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... Everyday something new is "thrown" at me. Trying to fix a broken heart, the hopes and dreams shattered, it all takes time. I see a councillor, and if you haven't yet tried this I do recommend it. They paired me off with someone who also has lost a child, I informed them of my situation before I went, as I didn't want to talk to anone who didn't have a clue and although her grief is very different to mine, she can relate. That helps. Also talking to people in groups on FB that you will never meet. The people who have been through exactly what you have, and feel exactly what you feel. Sometimes, you don't need to say something, they just know... You may have been in the early stages of preganacy, but you were excited, you saw a different future, and it's not like it was sposed to turn out.

I have lost most of my friends due to this, as they don't know quite what to say to me anymore. And instead of just being the shoulder to cry on, they have turned their backs on me, so the fact that it is you and your husband, lean on eachother.

My other half left me in the beginning of January as he couldn't "take" me anymore. He didn't understand why I would randomly cry at babies, or baby clothes or be afraid to go out incase I see a pregnant person, so also instead of being there to support me, he left. He said he knew "Emma is in a better place. Move on", and I can't turn off my feelings just like that.

The pain will never leaves you I'm told, the days / pain will only become more bearable. GREAT!

I also question why me? No-one has the answers, no-one can tell me anything that makes any sense, and telling me "you can always have another" encites a rage in me so that the person saying it must move before I kill them. I don't want another, I wanted Emma.

If you ever just want to rant (like I have), add me as a friend and I'll be the shoulder if you have no-one else xx

Much love to you, your husband and your two angels xx



Zoë