Anyone else in my situation?

Rachel - posted on 01/16/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have a beautiful baby boy born October '08. His biological father is African-Jamaican. My pregnancy was the result of a "last visit" to a boyfriend in JA. Anyway, although we keep in touch, he has little to do with my life. Meanwhile, I met my husband when I was 4 months pregnant. We married when Josiah was 10 months old. My husband is the only father Josiah knows, and we have an adoption court date set. I get the adoption question often, mostly because my husband and myself are white. I want my child to feel secure in his family and know how much he is loved by his father (my husband). It is quite an unusual situation, so I'm wondering if anyone else out there has this unique family dynamic. Thanks!

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Heidi - posted on 01/17/2010

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I have 5 children. 2 birth, one adopted sone who is 1/4 black, 1/4 portuguese, and 1/2 caucasin, and one adopted daughter who is 1/2 hmong, and 1/2 hispanic. I've gotten comments anywhere from do you have a day care, to Their father must be dark. My husband is red-headed. They are all beautiful. They are all very special and very loved. My adopted son like to point out that he looks like my hispanic grandfather who also had black curly hair, and that he has my brown eyes. It's not genetic, but he belongs in my family. I have a friend who is divorced and looks nothing like her biological daughter and hates being asked if she is adopted, but I told her just to say the same thing I do. They're all mine and I love them very much.

Brittney - posted on 01/17/2010

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well im not in ur situation persay, but 2 of my brothers r married/dating women who have children from another man. my one brother has been dating his gf since the beginning of her pregnancy and my other brother started dating his wife when her daughter was 4 months old. i think that so long as u both love the child and raise him like ur husband is his father then he will always feel like he is his father. now he will always get that question about is he adopted especially when he starts goin to school. just explain to him that he is ur son and the both of u raised him from birth. once hes a little bit older u may have to tell him the truth. but u can decide when its appropriate to tell him.

Keziah - posted on 01/17/2010

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My parents are a mixed couple and my eldest sister is white. My mom is white and dad is Black. He adopted my sister when she was about 2 years old. They see each other as natural father/daughter. A father is not a DNA donor but one who plays the role. It doesn't matter what color he is or if the family "matches" chromatically. I am biracial and my twins' father is white. When they were newborns I was told by a cashier at a grocery store that they weren't "really twins because they don't look the same." One of them was considerably darker than the other and smaller too. I wanted to tear her head from her neck and scream down her throat (post pregnancy hormones raging) but I calmly explained to her that they are FRATERNAL twins which means they don't look alike. Some people are just ignorant like that I guess. My father is also a father-figure to my sons since their dad is not allowed in their lives anymore. They also feel the same way towards the other, like it's a natural parent-child relationship. I caught one of my sons feeling a little sad because of a cool video we watched on the net about a father making special lunches for his son every day. My son said "I want a dad like that ..." and I said he had one. He said "Yeah! I have Papaw!" So, it doesn't matter what age, relation, or color a man is ... a REAL man is a father no matter what he is. And, since your son doesn't seem to care about the skin color, neither does your husband, then neither should anyone else. But, like I said, some people are curious or ignorant. Either way, they think they are entitled to know why your child looks different than his parents. Unfortunately, it's something we will have to put up with for years to come, although it's progressed a lot since I was a child in the 80s.

Jacqui - posted on 01/16/2010

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YES! Very similar story!! Thankfully NC law states that if you marry someone while you are pregnant, that mans name goes on the birth certificate. My daughter has gorgeous dark brown curly hair and EVERYONE asks where she got it from. Then when I answer "her biological father" they assume I adopted her. Very awkward ... I just joined a group on here called "non biological fathers". My husband is the only dad my daughter knows. He's amazing.

SO glad to hear someone else in this world has a similar situation. I hope things go well with the adoption!

Carolee - posted on 01/16/2010

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My husband is white (so am I), and my son's bio father is Mexican. Actually, we get kind of a different reaction from people. They always think my son is my husband's bio child, and I'M the step-parent! My son looks just like me, except tan (I'm really pale). I just say, "no, he's mine. Do you want to see the stretch marks?" They usually leave you alone once you offer to bare some skin (even if it is just your belly, lol)!

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