Bi Racial children "belonging" (appreciate comments from biracial moms)

Ellie Richardson - posted on 02/15/2013

I am a biracial mom.My mom had white skin n stingy staight light brown hair, very european features, from spain, my dads family is black , n creole mixed. My father is light brown skin kinky hair n typical african features. I have never quite fit in n have experianced lots of racism.I have heard so called friends talking badly about black people n I had to let them know that even though i dont look black that i am black to n any insult to people of african people is an insult to me.People are still racist in this day n age n i see n hear it all the time. I get to see people say whats on there minds then i tell them who i am n that im black, then they say oh well i didnt mean it that way. They feel im different. My husband is black n sometimes people stare at me n my black children.It's not easy but u do the best u can n try to live ur life the best way u know how.This is only my experiance n I can only speak for myself but it's not easy being of african heritage an your children will have there own experiance.

Nicki - posted on 01/28/2013

Hey Elena,

Two words : " Cold world" regardless what you are, you are always gonna have obstacles you face in life. Race is just another one of them. I know b/c I'm mixed myself. Im Black and Korean. Long story short my dad was in the military and married. (Army Brat) Although, I've always been a real sociable person and it wasn't too hard for me to make friends. I still had obstacles I had to face. At the age of 14 I met my kids father. (Teen parents) His name is Abel and he happens to be spanish. Which at the age I never really paid attention to prejudices and racism but now I can really see people's reactions to us being together. My kids are beautiful and like you said I'm teaching them to be proud of their heritage and not to allow people to get them to think other wise. I just think that the main thing is to teach our kids to be comfortable in their own skin and be open minded when choosing friends. You don't have to stick to one race while choosing friends as long as they're good to you and have your best interest thats all that matters. :) Life's too short to worry 'bout the little things!
-xo

Mandy - posted on 08/21/2009

I have 3 boys. Christian is 14 & white, Darian is 11 and mixed, looks like he just has a good tan he has grey-green eyes and dirty blonde hair, then there is Kaleb who is 7 and is mixed as well except he has whiter skin than me, brown eyes, and dark curly hair like dad. To be honest my only child that has experienced any racial problems is my oldest and kids have given him a hard time because his dad is black and to him my husband is his only father. I just remind him to pray for him then go about his business because he knows he has a great father, black or white. Keep in mind when raising your kids they won't even think they are different just because their mixed unless you raise them to think differently. My husband and I are totally different, I am totally a lil white girl and hes literally straight out of the hood. So we taught our children the best of both worlds, they can be prim and proper and have great street sense as well and everybody loves our boys just as they are. You teach them what you know, dad teaches them what he knows and you will end up with very well rounded children that will have a swagger to them that noone else can touch. Good luck to you, but don't worry it will be fine, besides that you know mixed kids are always the cutest so one up to them.

Kayti - posted on 08/21/2009

My daughter is White and Costa Rican. Her dad has another daughter who is 2 months younger than my daughter........and she is tan, has dark brown eyes, & dark brown hair. My daughter is super light, blue eyes, and light brown hair. So everyone says i got a "white baby". It makes me mad because i feel like they shouldn't put her into a category just because of how she looks! Now i am expecting a bi-racial boy who will be black & white, and jeez i can only imagine its gonna be worse......

Caroline - posted on 08/21/2009

I am biracial (black, white) and I married an asian man so we were very curious as to what our children would look like. I was blessed with two gorgeous boys and I think mixed children are so beautiful. The most important thing is to get a good school system where there is a large racial mix. I went to an all caucasian school and was made fun of constantly, I hated it! My husband and I get strange looks sometimes but we have been together for 18 years and have learned to ignore it. His family won't speak to him because of me but that is the breaks, my sons have plenty of family on my side that love them. They have been asked if they are all kinds of nationalities: hispanic, middle eastern, etc. which we find very funny. They both have straight brown hair and brown eyes, the oldest has more of a slant to his.

TAMEKA - posted on 08/21/2009

I have an 7 year old son that is bi-racial with black and hispanic, I am black and his father is Guatemalan.I also have 3 more childen that are all black. He gets teased at school for having long curly black hair and he doesnt want to cut it, but he is in 2nd grade now and they are still calling him a girl and asking him to speak Spanish. Then on his dad side of the family the kids make fun of him because he doesnt speak Spanish he can' t win for losing sometimes and it just pisses me off that people are so ignorant. My side of the family is not innocent either because alot of times you can hear the kids asking him are you a Mexican or calling him Jose or Jaun all the time when his name is Yovani. You always get the stupid questions like what is he mixed with he's not all black. He crys alot because he doesnt understand what everyones problem is and neither do I. If anyone has any suggestions I am willing to try anything.

Tracy - posted on 08/21/2009

Thanks. I was just thinking of a childrens book about colors. The Crayon Box That Talked. I think every ignorant person in this world should read it. Its about all the colors in the crayon box and how they don't like each others colors and don't get along. All it takes is for one child to come along and show them how if they all work together and blend themselves, it makes the most beautiful picture ever. Then the crayons realize exactly how important each of them are in creating a colorful piece of art. They all become friends. I love this book.

Ashanta - posted on 08/21/2009

Wonderfully said Tracy!! I wholeheartedly agree with you, as I’m sure all mothers of bi-racial children do! Once again, I am so grateful to have this forum where we can share our thoughts, concerns and also pick up words of inspiration (as above). I love it!

Tracy - posted on 08/21/2009

Aren't we considered the melting pot of the world? You would think that with the way the world is changing that racism wouldn't still be a problem. I am the mother of a "beautiful" 9 1/2 year old half white half japanese little girl. I am also "soon to be mommy" of a half white half black little boy. This is going to be interesting. I sooo look forward to all the experiences this will bring. I come from a big city back east and now live in a moderately big city in Texas. Huge difference. Having had a mixed asian child was looked down upon by friends and family back home. If I were to have gone home to live with my daughter, life would have been tough. I feel so comfortable here in Texas. So many families here are blended and its pretty much considered normal here. The only thing that I experienced so far with my daughter was comments from people when she was an infant asking me if I adopted her from "China". First of all...hellooo...she's not chinese. Thats another sterotype,,,,not all asian people are the same. And the one comment I used to get alot was...oh she is so beautiful....is she yours or did you adopt her? Ummm....whether I adopted her or gave birth to her....she is mine. Now that she has gotten older...yeah...she does resemble me alot more but you can still tell that she is mixed. When I was with her father we used to get stared at alot. It used to embarrass me. I eventually got over it. Now with my "black" boyfriend, yeah...we get looks from everyone. It's funny though....we get looks because here we have a white pregnant lady, a black man and a little asain girl. LOL. My friends joke about me being the next Angelina Jolie. Hey...whatever. We are happy people and it shows. It doesn't matter to us what anyone thinks. It makes us grow together more and become stronger. We just smile bigger and hold our hands a little tighter. As for my exptected arrival here soon...we are all soo excited about him. My daughter especially. She can't wait to be a big sister. Color? Who cares about color. This is a baby brother we're talking about here. How cool is that. As a white woman having an already mixed child of a different decent I was a little afraid on how we would fit into my boyfriends family. When we met his parents.....who live in a small town in Arkansas.......they were absolutely wonderful. They brought tears to my eyes on how they accepted my daughter and I. They consider her part of the family as well as myself. We are excited to see what the baby will look like. Because having a biracial child is exciting.....we can guess all we want about what he is going to look like...he could come out looking light, dark, or a little of both. Its the best surprise ever. He is going to be unique just like his big sister. I look forward to all questions he may have. Our children, any child, is blessed to be the best they can be. It's all in how we teach them to live their lives. I've taught my daughter to love everything about herself. Unfortunatly...she is a conceited little thing...lol...but thats ok. No one can tell her she doesn't fit in. Fit in to what??? What the world percieves as normal. Please. Wake up world. Where would we be if we were of all the same color? Color makes everything beautiful.

Lisa - posted on 08/20/2009

Quoting Carla:

Im recently 9 weeks pregnant. My complication/boyfriend is black and i am white. My parents havent spoken to me in 2 years since we've been together. They wont even meet him. I told my mom 2 weeks ago i was pregnant, and she told me to have an abortion. No one in my family called and congraulated me. Im 33 years old and would not consider an abortion at this age. I feel so scared and alone. I hope and pray my family comes around. This is my first child, i have no idea what to expect, i dont know what i need and wish i had my family. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation???

Scared and confused.

You have to do what makes you happy..when I was 19 my father found out i was with a black man and then didnt speak to me for 10 years. we never really had a close relationship..my parents were divorced when i was young. we saw him every weekend growing up...but it stil hurt very much that he couldnt accept what made ME HAPPY.. after the ten years of not seeing him..my aunt insisted i go to xmass at her house with my husb and children and he bought so many gifts that two weeks later there were still unopened gifts..but you cant buy kids love.. . i tried to be close to him.. brought the kids to see him etc.. but he never had the chance (never wanted to) bond with them and thats really important... so now my kids are 16 and 19 and he doesnt even know them.. i havnt talked to him in years. except funerals and weddings. and i dont even know where he lives now.. its sad but  i had to do what made me happy at that time...i am divorced now but was married for many years.. my father missed out on alot !!  My mother at first threatened to disown me and everyone else seemed to stand behind her.. but before i went into labor she took me out to eat..and told me no matter what she would be there for me.. and i was very happy .. because i was prepared to do it alone with no family support.. ive always done WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY and i dont care if someone else doesnt like it.. my mother also told me when i got pregnant that "she didnt want to have to raise her grandchildren because i wasnt ready for kids yet" and she has never had to raise them..shes helped me out alot..but that was HER CHOICE TO DO IT....dont ever ever let anyone make you feel guilty for doing something that makes you happy... Good luck

Lisa - posted on 08/20/2009

I can say from experience..i am white my xhusb black,,my daughter 16 and is black.. she looks spanish...as thats what people are always asking me....I remember she came home one day from around second grade or third..i cant remember now but it was around that time.. and asked me what a niger was.. cause someone told her that she was a niger.. that was very difficult....as she got older..especially around 13-14 she went thru this phase where her accent changed..she SOUNDED more thug..she forced an accent...but I believed she was just trying to fit in because she was only like this when she was around friends...so i let it go.. i never said anything, i let her figure things out for herself. i did sit down with her and tell her that i didnt like this change that she had around her friends and told her what a funny caring daughter she is..and people will love her the way she is she didnt have to change for anyone... and eventually she stopped and went back to her own self.... she went through this for a good year...but i just let her figure things out for herself...and she did....these days and times bi racial is so common .... at least where i am located it is... my daughter has gotten into alot of fights but i do believe its because they are just jelous because she truly is a beautiful girl..bi racial girls are gorgeous. with their perfectly curly hair and perfect skin tones!!!! i would love to have her curly hair that shes always trying to straighten !!! I have also invested in lots and lots of books .. about her heritage.... we have talked about it alot..and theres a great book a daily guide for teenage girls..be tru to yourself by shannon berning... and i bought another book i cant think of the name of it off the top of my head,, and underlined and changed teacher to mom..and anything that related to us... and she read it and thought it was funny that i related it to us.. there is a great book called "odd girl out" the hidden culture of aggression in girls.. wow this book was great... i wouldnt have been able to relate to this when she was 12 but wow i related to everything in this book,,very very good book to read .if you go to amazon.com and go to book section and type in teenager you will get lots of great books!!..the best thing you can do is always keep communication open..shes going to do things you dont like..just like any teenager... but i feel so strongly about good communication..and openess i cant stress enough how much this helps me and my daughter stay close.. because she could easily stop talking to me..block me out of her life and she doesnt..and im so grateful... good luck.

Tracey - posted on 08/19/2009

I dont think your children will have a problem as long as you are living in an area where there are all races. I am white and my children are half hispanic. They dont even look white at all and they play with children of all races and have no problems. My friends and family have also excepted them just as any other person of our race. Even though there is some racism in my family. I think your will have plenty of friends their still young. Your just worrying too much. Have a great day. I hope this helps you.

Tracey....

Christina - posted on 08/19/2009

I have a 10yo with straight to wavy thin hair and fair skinned but tans easy in the summer, a 9yo with thick spiral curls and fair skinned but tans easy also, a 7 year old with thin big curls and also fair skin that tans. I just had a baby who is as white as can be with straight hair so far. They have not had any issues so far with racism from kids or adults. I have had adults ask me what they are mixed with, but I think that is just curiosity. I think it might be because we are always in a military community and it tends to be more excepted. I think if parents don't make a big deal about it, then the kids won't be as affected. There will probably come a time when an idiot says something stupid then it will be your job to support them. My fear is that my kids will hate one side or the other like a girl I knew in school who always beat up white kids and picked on them for being white and her mom was white. I never understood that and hope that my kids will never be that way.

Kara - posted on 08/19/2009

im bi-racial. my mom is white my dad is black. i grew up with my mom. i remember my mom telling me something funny now but made since while i was about 4. if every body had the same skin color and looked alike, mommies and daddies wouldn't know which kids were theirs. we would also do culture month. my mom has kids mixed with 4 different races.

Kathy - posted on 08/19/2009

To all who post here and are bi-racial or have bi-racial children or are dating or are married to someone of a different race...YOU ARE WHAT AMERICA IS SUPPOSE TO BE ABOUT...WHAT BEING A CHRISTIAN IS SUPPOSE TO BE ABOUT....DO NOT LET UNINTELLIGENT BIGOTED PEOPLE INFLUENCE YOU...HURT YOU...YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR STUPIDITY VIA THEIR COMMENTS ABOUT YOU OR THOSE YOU LOVE...THEY ARE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.....
With much love.
K. Morgan

Kathy - posted on 08/19/2009

Your parents loving as they are suppose to be are idiots and bigots... Do not dwell on them.. You can not change their minds...they have to do that themselves...If they choose to not communicate with you...that is their decision..go on with your life. My step father basically shunned me when I date my husband and married him (I am white and he is afro-american). My mom was mistreated by my step father mentally...but my mom remained loving and understanding to me... My step father committed suicide after my son was born...my son was about 6 months old...I feel sorry for my mom to have to have gone through such a horrible experience..but we both know my stepfather was a product of a bigoted family who taught prejudice...he was an alcoholic long before I met my husband...and we believe that and other mental health issues made him do what he did... My mom blamed herself some...but got over it quick once she spoke with a psychiatrist who had spoken with my father who said he had some mental issues...My point... you need to focus on you..your baby to be and your boyfriend and the father of the child and have a wonderful life...!!!!

Cheyenne - posted on 08/19/2009

Quoting Jenny:

Hi Everyone...Im married to a black man, i am hispanic and its really sad that people can be like that towards children sometimes...When my husband and I go out...its sad because...almost all the time that we go out...he has a black female come up to him and tell him that he should be dating his own race and that our child shouldnt have even been born....

It makes me dissapointed that people treat you and your children like that... I wouldnt want to live were you do I do  not feel like I could walk away with out having a cleaver comeback. I really wouldn't take anything anyone else has to say too seriously, they do not have to walk a mile in your shoes, and truth be told... Many black women have an issue with black men dating and having children with women outside their race... when in most circumstances... if he were single they wouldnt give him the time of day.. So it is their own guilt  or jealousy for not seeing a good man when he passes until someone else has him. Just consider yourself lucky that you found a diamond when everyone else walked past it thinking it was a cubic zirconia. The babies are beautiful, and people will hate on that until the end, because they cannot and will not be or have children as beautiful as yours.

Kathy - posted on 08/19/2009

It all depends on where you live I believe...I live in Chapel Hill, NC (wonderful city...). Our community is made up of mostly intelligent fair minded people since we have a major University here...The triangle area where we are located tends to be made up of the same so having bi-racial children here is not hard...My children are bi-racial..half afro-american and half white...I am white but am also 1/16th Cherokee Indian so am very tan, especially in summer...my husband is dark complected Afro-American. Our children our absolutely beautiful...intelligent..fair minded and knowledgably about both of their heritages...I think being bi-racial helps them know to be fair minded and understanding of all...I suggest you teach them to be that way and to know that those who are not are only hurting themselves and making them selves look stupid. You can not change how others feel...you can only control how you feel....As your children get older they will change appearance wise...It will be more obvious that they are bi-racial...My son looked less afro-american, same with my daughter...but as time went they both have very curly hair, very dark skin especially my daughter (my son was fairer skinned and had light brown hair) ..seem to have adapted fine...again where you live makes a huge difference...If I was in a back woods town in say Arkansas or Alabama...I am sure it would be different...there are many bi-racial children in our area...Do not emphasize the bi-racial issue ...just make sure they know all are equal...and they are just kids...people...like everyone else....

Nicole - posted on 08/19/2009

That book ("Shades of Black") was given to me by mother (who is white) and actually all those kids in that book live in my community and the photgrapher and writer do amazing work! Miles (the photographer) took my maternity pics and pics of my daughter and family for the last couple years. I love that book and have passed it down to my kids. well i will when they get old enough to not tear out the pages. lol

Nicole - posted on 08/19/2009

honestly this day and age the biracial community is growing rapidly!. Being half black and half white myself and i have a sister too that has completely different features than i do but we both have the same parents. I grew up in the late 80s when we were younger its was an amazing site to see a biracial baby. People thought we were soem kind of alien i think. But kids will be kids and no matter which group your kids fit into they are going to get picked on for something not just skin color. All thru high school and even now people dont think im black and white. My children look like complete opposites (my daughter being more like me darker skin and dark hair) and my son looks like a little white guy and light brown to blonde hair. No one really thinks hes my son lol. Their complxions will change tremendously as they get older. I got darker when i got older and (and still am cause of all the sun) but my sister is still lighter skin than me. I think (personally) if you dont make any big deal about who they are going to fit in with then they wont. i had all types of friends when i grew up. Started out in the south (where it was a mostly white community) My best friend was white and i never looked like any of my classmates, no problems. Being a miltiary brat we travleed alot and got to experience all kinds of races and it really made me look at the bigger picture that there is an unlimited amount of colors out their and even tho i am different from kids in my classroom it doesnt make a difference. Kids look at insides and personalities to see if they want to be friends. Dont sweat the small stuff. As long as they know their family loves them then the ignorant people that they will encounter all thru their lifetime wont bother them.

Jenny - posted on 08/19/2009

Hi Everyone...Im married to a black man, i am hispanic and its really sad that people can be like that towards children sometimes...When my husband and I go out...its sad because...almost all the time that we go out...he has a black female come up to him and tell him that he should be dating his own race and that our child shouldnt have even been born....

Lyndal - posted on 08/19/2009

Hi Everyone,

I am married to a Ghanaian man, I am Aussie, and I chose to give birth and raise my child here so she would understand her family here - their way of life/language/traditions etc. We lived in a large town and I was the first white woman everybody said who had been pregnant and raised her baby there. That made for a lot of curiosity and for the first few months I went through a real guilt process realising that I was putting my child in a position where she'd always be the only mixed race child and everyone would want to be holding her and taking her around. Which is fine for the family but not for strangers - and it was constant! I found ways of dealing with it.

Recently we moved to the capital and though we will go back to the 'village' for school holidays (so she can continue her connection with her family and the language) her she is one of thousands of mixed race children and my husband and I am one of thousands of mixed of couples. I breath a lot easier.

For me the most important things are: -

1. Your child must have a strong connection to their heritage. I think it's much easier to teach my little girl about her Australian heritage and for her to fit into life there as a youngster than it is to fit in here in West Africa. So I chose to bring her up here for that reason so as an adult it is already a part of who she is. Find out the history of each branch of your family and make stories for your child so it becomes like a folklore for them and it is about them. It'll generate a sense of understanding and pride in who they are as a total person.

2. Teach the language of both cultures. I do not have a brain for languages but I do speak basic, and understand much more, of my husbands tribal language. My daughter in time will speak it much better than me. She is 7 months and already is beginning to respond to it heaps. Both parents should know at least the basics of each others languages and should use both languages all the time.

3. Your childs school is a place where they will spend so much of their time emotionally and physically and it is an environment of learning not just in the classroom but everywhere. It seems from peoples comments that your choice of school is imperative. I am even doing a lot of research about a creche for my daughter before I decide whether I will put her in one and at what age. I am going to choose a school with ex-pat kids and/or a fair portion of mixed race children. My daughter gets enough time amongst her African family that for me I want her time at creche to be a bit different and for her to learn another way of being there so again at an early age she learns to adapt to all sorts of situations and people. I have a sister here in the city who comes to help me look after her and she is from our tribe which I have deliberately chosen to maintain that contact with the language and customs.

Anyway.... I'll stop there but I hope that helps and as my daughter is only 7 months and a bit I can just say - this is the theory of it anyway. :)

3.

Sara - posted on 08/18/2009

Hi Elena,

I have three daughters, who are all bi-racial and all different shades...My 10 year old(hispanic/like me)(white and black/her father), my 7 year old stepdaughter(white/mother)(black/my husband), and my 3 year old daughter(hispanic/me)(black/my husband)...My oldest daughter looks hispanic, very light brown skin, long brown hair like mine, my stepdaughter, darker brown skin very dark kinda corse hair, my youngest daughter, medium brown skin very curly kinky hair...A great book for your children that I shared with my children, "Shades of Black" By Sandra L. Pinkney, it's a wonderful wonderful book, full of more pictures than words so it'll be great for your little babies..What was great was that they saw children that looked just like them, which was very exciting for them...

What my husband and I have taught our daughters is that they are so lucky to be from so many wonderful backgrounds...We celebrate every holiday under the sun, from the 4th of July to Cinco de Mayo to Black History Month, and we talk about everything..I feel that knowledge is power, the more you all know the better it is for everyone...There are also going to be questions, and being honest always works for us...Let them know their history, from both sides, let them know what the United States was in the 60's and 70's and because of that there are still some people who are not ok with inter-racial relationships and there will be remarks made that made be hurtful, but that is just ignorance talking and love is love...Love doesn't care what color you are and love is what brought their parents together and what led to create them :)

Elena - posted on 08/18/2009

Quoting Carla:

Im recently 9 weeks pregnant. My complication/boyfriend is black and i am white. My parents havent spoken to me in 2 years since we've been together. They wont even meet him. I told my mom 2 weeks ago i was pregnant, and she told me to have an abortion. No one in my family called and congraulated me. Im 33 years old and would not consider an abortion at this age. I feel so scared and alone. I hope and pray my family comes around. This is my first child, i have no idea what to expect, i dont know what i need and wish i had my family. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation???

Scared and confused.

Oh Carla, I am so very sorry.  My parents weren't accepting of my husband when we started dating, but a grandchild sometimes changes things (him being a very good man is a plus too).  Just keep the line of communication open to them and maybe they will become the supportive, loving unconditionally parents they are supposed to be. If not, lean on some really close friends.  I really hope they come around and celebrate your wonderful, beautiful child with you.  Good luck!

Kristin - posted on 08/18/2009

my 9 year old daughter is phillipino and black and white mixed.i am white as well as her little sister(5 years old), so it is a constant concern about her feeling like she belongs...but she is beautiful and everyone tells her so, yet she wants to fit in at her mastly white school and it is a challenge for me to keep her self-esteem in check.most people think she's hispanic or they don't know what she is.i read all the books and talk up her heritage, but i think she doesn't take me seriously or something because i'm white. there are also inspiring moments, too though, like when her little sister picked out the black doll because she looks up to her big sis.and when the song brown-eyed girl plays and all of her cousins in the back seat of the car wish they had brown eyes...her face lit up.

Carolyn - posted on 08/18/2009

My son is mixed black and white. I think my son does pretty good. He is very confident about being a mixed child. He told me a boy in his class asked him how is he white and his mommy is black. I asked what did he tell the kid. He said mommy I told him that I'm both black and white and that he looks like both his parents. I use to worry about him belonging. I just pray and just teach him to have a open mind and also that other people may not be so open.

Tina - posted on 08/18/2009

Carla - I went through the EXACT same thing as you! AND I was thirty three at the time also. My Dad he would not even hold my Son because his father is black. That hurt more anything in my world. The day my Son was born was the most beautiful day of my life! And parents ended up adoring him, but mostly because he looks Puerto Rican. My parents are Puerto Rican and Mexican. I am adopted of Puerto Rican Irish descent. I look Irish. I am no longer with the father of my Son - I broke up with him when I was nine months pregnant. My Son is 11. I am in a wonderful relationship with a different black man who is a father to my son. As far the orginal question as to how to deal with children who are bi-racial belonging - I really believe that it up to the parents to be comfortable with it first. Then the child will confidence and not let these silly kids bring them down. My Son is very confident in who is and what he looks like (and believe me! He is gorgeous!) He has a wide mixture of friends.

Carla - posted on 08/18/2009

Im recently 9 weeks pregnant. My complication/boyfriend is black and i am white. My parents havent spoken to me in 2 years since we've been together. They wont even meet him. I told my mom 2 weeks ago i was pregnant, and she told me to have an abortion. No one in my family called and congraulated me. Im 33 years old and would not consider an abortion at this age. I feel so scared and alone. I hope and pray my family comes around. This is my first child, i have no idea what to expect, i dont know what i need and wish i had my family. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation???



Scared and confused.

Elena - posted on 08/18/2009

Thanks everyone for your comments, experieces and encouragement. I'm glad I started reading this board. It's very comforting to know others are in the same boat. I've lived here in TN for 3 years and only have a couple friends (one who has a biracial child of 2yo). It's hard to be away from home, family & friends, now that I have children. My husband is a great support though! Again, thanks to everyone for their posts! 80)

Cheyenne - posted on 08/18/2009

I have a 10 year old daughter... I am white and her father is African American. Her skin is a beautiful tan/brown color, her hair is dark brown but the texture is like mine....She goes to school in a predominately Hispanic ethnic break down. So right now, to her peers she appears to be Hispanic. Although she knows who and what she is she lives in this fantasy that she herself is Hispanic, and she is embarassed that I do not speak Spanish... I am very sure this is a phase and eventually she will understand that we as people cannot be something we are not... I am also beginning to see the challenge with jealousy from the other children that are not as cute...I know that sounds conceded but we must admit...our biracial children are so much cuter than their peers for the most part... My daughter did not understand that when other kids say mean things or make fun it is because they feel inferior. It is a slow process...But we are getting there... When she was younger we did not really face these same obsticales. As time is passing on racial awareness is becoming more evident... All I can say is I strive to make my daughter proud of who she is, what she looks like, and all of her ethnic backgrounds. As long as I remain strong, I will produce a child that is a rock... I hope all of you have a great week!

Alisa - posted on 08/17/2009

I am a single mom of 4 bi[racial children, black and white, I will say it is VERY important they know and are confortable with both heritages...I talk to mine ALOT...letting them knowwho they are, and ( how beautiful they are because of who they are, meaning, from our history black aned white, what our ancestors did and went through...after all that they represent the overwhelming differences and difficulties from the past, which was over come by a GREAT deal of love to bring them into the world...)how much they are loved. Don't worry so much about how others see them, they will be fine...give them a good foundation into who they are and make them strong in every way....I now have 15, 13, 10, and 5....they know who they are and how they represent the true melting pot in the US...

Dawne - posted on 08/17/2009

Elena, I believe it's all in what you as parents instill in them. My husband and I have 4 kids, ages 14, 12, 7, and 18 months, I'm white, he's black. Confidence, truth, etc. I've always told my kids that they are extra special because they are made up of two races. And we've always been very honest and said that you WILL encounter racism from both sides, and have given suggestions on how to handle it. Confidence is very important, too, because that enables them to turn the other cheek, stick their hand up and say "WHATEVER!" and walk away!

Marqueritha - posted on 08/17/2009

It depends where you live and how mixed your community is. It's hard to identify with children of one race if you never interact with them. I am biracial and my kids are biracial since I married a white man. One of my sons doesn't look black, straight hair and tanned,but technically he is. We live a very mixed community and there are many mixed race kids so there hasn't been an issues.

As a girl there was some confusion when dating occurred for me, I really didn't date guys that weren't black until after college. But then it didn't matter.

Long as they are loved they should be fine.

Amber - posted on 08/17/2009

I have a 13 year old, a 7 year old, and a 19month old. So far they have had no troubles fitting in. My daughter looks, espeically during the summer time when she spends every day at the pool, as though she does not belong to me. We live in a town which is acutally a majority hispanic and next in line caucasians. There were questions when she was younger, but they were innocent kid questions such as are you adopted? How come you are black and your mommy is white? etc. My son has had no problems what so ever. I think the world has changed and that our children will be better off. There are alot more mixed children these days then in the past. I really think the children will be fine if you just teach them that they are special no matter what anyone else says!!

Shonna - posted on 08/17/2009

I have a son that is 8 years old he is biracial as is his father. My son looks slightly biracial but I have found that there is not much of a problem with other children. My main issue is with my family which doesn't seem to bother Matthew now at his age but It bothers me horribly I just want to smack them for being so closed minded and rude. But I just try my best to distance myself from these family members. I hope he don't have problems later in his teenage years and I hope he never feels that hurt from my family. Just be strong for your kids and protect them as much as possible.

Tina - posted on 08/17/2009

Where I live their race was never an issue until they hit high school. By that time

they chose the group they felt most comfortable being a part of. I feel an open communication with my kids was usefu; and they had all thei question and concerns answered when needed. relax!!! dont put more pressure than whats needed on them!!!!

Elena - posted on 08/17/2009

Thanks for your responses. It's especially helpful to hear from the moms who have the experiences of being biracial.

Ashanta: Thank you so much for your response. I joined this community quite awhile back and just started reading the posts (time restraints!?!? lol). I have really enjoyed reading your posts and have received a lot of encouragement from them. Your daughters are beautiful.

Kathleen: I am lucky too, in that both sides accept the other. I was very surprised by my extended family's accetance. I expected a lot more resistance from a few people. But as long as my parents and my MIL accept us both and the children, that's what is most important.

Amanda: Thank you for sharing your experience. It's a concern of mine, especially for my son, on what side he will identify with mostly. I can't assume "white", just cuz he's light skinned. But I know it will make it a bit harder on him if he identifies more with his black heritage, because of his coloring. I mostly just want to make sure we teach both of them to love and be proud of both their halves.

Daiva: Thank you too for your experience. It seems that in the UK there is bit more acceptance of all people. Which is ironic since the US is based on being a "melting pot" of all peoples! lol

Anita: Thanks. I hate that question, "What are you?" Duh, a person! lol I had to chuckle about you being asked why you didn't speak spanish. The small town I was raised in had very few cultures other than white. I remember a boy, I think he was Puerto Rican, and he spoke spanish but couldn't write it or conjugate. He failed the class! lol We kept asking him how he could fail spanish when he speaks it. And he said there were english speaking kids in his english class that failed english!!! lol He made a valid point. ;-)

Ashanta - posted on 08/16/2009

As a biracial (black & white) mother of three little ladies (all have light skin and blue eyes), I can totally relate to your question and understand your concern. I grew up in the 70’s -- a brown skinned little girl with a head full of beautiful black curls. My mother (black) and father (white) divorced when I was 3. I lived with my mother and spent every 2nd weekend with my father and his family (he remarried soon after the divorce to a white woman—I have a white half brother). I never felt “different” from my mother or her side of the family. However, when I was with my father and his family I noticed the stares when we were in public together and I heard the whispers. I remember he was frequently asked, “is she your daughter”, to which he always responded with an abrupt “yes, she is.” He was obviously annoyed by the question, yet I didn’t understand why. My father never had a conversation with me about the fact that we had different skin color. Perhaps he felt that the color of our skin was an irrelevant issue? Perhaps he was waiting for me to ask questions? Perhaps he just didn’t know what to say? Whatever his issue, I never understood his silence. To be quite honest, I interpreted his silence as shame. Until the age of 11, I felt like the “black sheep” in his family. Our relationship ended soon thereafter (long story short: he wasn’t capable of being a responsible father at the time).

In any case, all this to say that I wholeheartedly agree with your thoughts about teaching your children to be “…proud of their heritage and to be strong…” I think openly acknowledging our differences and celebrating our various heritages are both key components in raising confident and proud children. For me, having open and honest communication with my kids is equally important – I want them to feel safe asking, as well as disclosing, anything to me. My two eldest daughters are starting kindergarden in 2 weeks; therefore, I'm not sure what they are going to be faced with. What I am certain of is that they understand that they are biracial, that we are a biracial family, and that they are loved, loved, and then loved some more!



Trust your instincts Elena…sound to me like you know exactly what you’re doing!

Kathleen - posted on 08/16/2009

I'm "white bread" (Irish, Scottish and Ukranian) married to a Jamaican/Chinese man. Our two boys look latino! So far, they are 2 & 4, we have no problem with the belonging thing. Most of our friends are Puerto Rican or Dominican, so looks-wise the boys fit right in! we are close to both sides of the family and my husband and I are each loved by our in-laws, which also makes it easier. We live in the Bronx, so no one blinks at the sight of us walking down the street!

I'm not sure I could live in the small town I was born in or in any smaller town for that matter.

Amanda - posted on 08/16/2009

One of the best things that happened for my ds (5) is one of the teachers at preschool brought her boyfriend (b/w) around the classroom and school functions. DS and that boyfriend made a positive connection DS started to identfy racially with him. He does identify as a black man, but there's nothing wrong with that. I know that ds knows what his family is and we dont really make a huge deal out of it.

Daiva - posted on 08/16/2009

Hello Elena!I have mixed race daughter she been born quite dark but got lighter by the time... i guess its all the way around.To be honest these children are in the best position neither black nor white people usually adore them. as they belong to both racial groups :) My husband and me we live in London so its quite normal in here nobody really payin attention but when im going to visit my family back home in Lithuania people are not used to that out there....so i can see how people staring at us,whispering behind our backs but thats ok!! As over here in UK we being acccepted very well!The only thing that has a difference between my child and my friends white kids is that temper is totaly different!My daughter is hyper hyper active and always moving around and can't sit in one place.But on the other hand she has her own qualities from both of the parents and she is really very talented kid :))) So at the end of the day it comes to good :) Just take care don't worry and help your kids learn and develope well!Enjoy every day of your motherhood and be happy!!

Anita - posted on 08/15/2009

Growing up bi-racial (black/hispanic) was very hard for me. My mother is black and father is hispanic, but didn't teach us the language. Elementary school was the most difficult because it was 98% white and me and my siblings were the only different ethnic people these kids knew so you can imagine the silly questions and teasing we endured. When it was time to go to high school, I was so excited to finally be around kids that looked like me, but what I got were more silly questions, like "What are you? or How come you can't speak spanish? or You not black, your yellow." Even after all the teasing, I did make life long friends, built my self esteem strong and hold no hard feelings for anyone. My kids are bi-racial as well, their father is white. I taught them the same way my parents taught me. We loved and watched the Wizard of Oz and The Wiz. Love both sides of your heritage, we already belong. It is important that you hold your head high, be proud and love yourself, cause you will get criticism from both sides.

Elena - posted on 08/15/2009

I like the idea of praying for the future teachers. They have such a strong impact on children and if they have any kind of bias, kids pick up on that. Thanks for your response.

Lori - posted on 08/15/2009

The other suggestion I have is I guard their heart by praying for their teachers and the teachers they will have in the future. I started that when they were babies. I also teach them that eveything has a purpose and if some one is being mean than it is God in them that they are being mean to so don't take it personal. Release it and say Thank you Jesus for letting me understand what you went through when you were on your way to the cross. But like I said, my youngest one is having a harder time due to his on personality, and I am working very hard with him on teaching him to have a growth mindset of respecting the work he does and not the product.

Lori - posted on 08/15/2009

I have three children. Chris is 13, John is 7, and Faye is 9. AS they got older they got darker. Faye is the darkest. John is the lightes. I spend time teaching them that God created them the exact color that He desired them to be. I teach them that it is not the color of a person it is the character of the person. I allow them to befriend anyone, but explain that they should not follow the other person. My oldest son is nothing like his peers. He hunts, listens to country music, and is proud of his redneck side of the family. He is proud of his black redneck side of the family as well. He is unique at his school in that his family is from the country, and the other children all have lived in an urban setting. That makes for more difficulties than his color does. the school he attends is very small, and has a team and family concept so he has not been blasted like he would hvae been in other middle schools. When he talks about being different, I say of course you are......You have lived in another state, been the only english speaking kid on the whole block, had friends from Bosnia, go hunting in November, and listen to country music. It has reassured him quite a bit. My daughter has been blessed to be in a small elementary where a friend taught, and she was automatically accepted by the other kids. The school is very good about multicultural education, and has studied many different cultures. My youngest is more difficult, as he has a personality that is very activie and engaging. He has made statements about tan being stupid, but he struggles with attention and has decided to put himself down. He noticed differences long before the other two did, but he went to a daycare for a year that I now regret putting him into as that is where he learned about it. The daycare was ran with mostly black workers, and had mostly black kids. He was in trouble a lot with them, and I guess has internalized that he is not as smart as the other two kids are. I am not teaching him about something called growth mindset, and how everyone learns differently, and he doesn't need to put himself down. I hope this helps.