Curious and kinda lost.....

Kristian - posted on 06/03/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Here is the situation. My fiance and I have been together for nine years now. In November we discovered I was pregnant and to be honest we were both really SHOCKED! Excited but still shocked. My family (who is white) took the news great everyone was really excited his family took it great also until it came to his mother. Her reaction when we told her I was pregnant was "By who??" and of course that created some problems. To make things slightly more interesting my fiance has a 15 year old son (from a previous relationship) and we recently had a DNA test done on him because of somethings his mother had said and done and well its not his son after all. NOW my fiances mother is absolutely insistant that my child is not his as well. Now to be honest I dont care for this lady at all and she even before this pregnancy didnt care for me. But she has now bad mouthed me to all of the family AND to the "other baby mama"!! She has since told me that she wont have anything to do with my child until she sees proof that it is his child. Although i would love to not give a dna test just so I dont have to be bothered with her its not fair to my newly arriving daughter. However i feel like if i consent to DNA test then I look guilty of doing something i shouldnt have been doing (which im not) and if i dont consent to DNA testing then it will look like I have something to hide. Either way it goes i have told her I am NOT paying for it because there is NO question that this is his child. Does anyone have any advise??

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Devon - posted on 06/18/2010

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i would tell her if she wants me to get it done i would have no problem doing it but she has to pay for it what does your fiance say about the whole situation?

Danielle - posted on 06/18/2010

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Kristian,

While I'm not in the exact same position I do have a story to share. When my husband was much younger he and his girlfriend had a child and my husband and his family raised her for several years as would any family. One day the mother told my husband the baby wasn't his and everyone moved on. My MIL didn't, it took her a year or more to move on and realize that the baby wasn't related. There was a bond that already formed. The baby is grown now and doesn't know any of us because why would she really. When we got pregnant she just was very stand-offish but once the baby was here there was no turning back. My son spend several days a week with his grandmother and they have a great bond. It took some time but she is a loving grandmother who will do anything for the kids. When we had our second child she didn't even blink an eye. I know it's hard but stick to your guns...don't have the DNA test, you don't need it. The grandmother will come around.

Kristian - posted on 06/18/2010

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Thanks Ladies for all the advice! You all have very good points and have come to the same conclusions that i had come to myself!

Farol05 - posted on 06/17/2010

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I say, if your fiance has no problem and you have no problem, it's nobody else's business. I would let my fiance speak to his mother and if he wants a DNA test, then they can pay for it. If his mother doesn't like you in the first place, whose to say she is going to treat your child with respect. You definitely don't want her bad mouthing you in front of your child. I hope all turns out well for you!! I will pray for you and your family!

Michelle - posted on 06/10/2010

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Not to be nasty or mean anything, but the first thing I thought was "screw her". It's not her life. If you and your partner are fine with getting it done, do it, if you don't care or don't want to, don't. It's basically your, your partner, and now your new baby's life. She in reality doesn't need to be a part of your new life. Actually, she sounds like someone you would really need to decide if you want her to be around your child whether it was your biological, adopted, or foster child. I mainly mean on what someone's child or your child would pick up or learn from someone who is a judgmental person. Of course I'm being kind of harsh, but that's my gut reaction.



I have some very slight experience with what your going through, but only in the sense of unacceptance. My mother-in-law not being happy with me (not of her race) and my children (she called them half-breeds once). But now after 10 years of marriage, 4 children later she has accepted my children and I. Also, when my husband and I were having trouble she was really supportive at the time. So in essence it might take awhile, but she may yet come around.



Your partner's mother might turn around and change her attitude once your baby is born or she might not. It sounds like you and your partner need to have a serious conversation on what is acceptable and not with his mom and how much you want your partner's mom to participate in your family's life.



Good luck and I hope it all works out in the end.

Rachelle - posted on 06/06/2010

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Wow, Im sorry you have to deal with this. Well the only person who matters here is you, your husband, and unborn. This is really all up to him to take care of. He needs to stand up completely to his mom and make her understnad her place and if she continues then he needs to be strong enough to shut her out until she respects his wife. As far as the paternity test. Dont worry about looking guilty, you never brought it up to begin with. Talk to your man, and tell him, I know this child is yours,but if somehow you have any doubts in your head, then I will have a test done FOR YOU, not your mom, not anyone, but you. This is one of those hard times you need to try to not thnk about what others say and only worry about what your husband thinks.

Jackie - posted on 06/05/2010

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If it were me then I'd go get the test in total confidence and have her open the results instead of doing it myself just to show her how confident you are. If she doesnt want anything to do with your baby till the test then tell her its either now or never because shes going to find out sooner or later what you did so why make her feel bad later? Families arent very good at keeping secrets you know.

Philomena - posted on 06/04/2010

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i say who cares what the mother thinks,its what the your fiance feels,it is wrong either way and you do not have to prove yourself to her, if she wants the dna so bad have her pay for it and then when the results come back she owes you an apology, believe me its this now and hows shes acting it will something else in the future,drama,drama,drama. just stay strong and do what you feel is right

Kristian - posted on 06/04/2010

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Thanks Ladies for the replies! I do think that what i am going to do is tell her if she really wants a test then she can pay for it. I have told him the same. As far as why would i want her to be a part of the babys life its just i dont wanna be nasty like she is. I want to try to be the better person.. I feel like if i dont give her the option to be a part of my daughters life then i am short changing my daughter. However I really I really have had enough of his mother. He didnt speak to her for a while because he was so hurt by her denying his child. I can sympathize with her and hte rest of the family when we found out his "son" was not really his i know that hurt her a lot and i can completely understand however like i explained to her before i am not the other woman. So ladies i have decided to just let God handle it because well i have done all i can do with this situation and she will be the one looking crazy at the end when my daughter is born!

Alesha - posted on 06/03/2010

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have her pay for it, if you are 100% positive then make her. i been in a similar situation and i would not put a penny towards the test because i knew who my childs father was even if others didnt think so....but if for some reason hes not the father then you can pay em back, thats the worst that can happen. but good luck, hope things get better between you 2...(also, have your man stick up for you, and his baby)

Nichole - posted on 06/03/2010

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i have never been in this situation but if she wants nothing to do with this baby and she is causing all this drama why do you want her in your babies life at all??? i know it sounds harsh but when my OWN mother started doing this kind of drama when i was pregnant with my daughter i just cut her out for awhile and of course she came around. i hope this helps a bit and i agree if your fiance wants it than give it to him. It may be a good way to set his mind at ease because of the situation with his other "son"..... it is also very possible that his mother doesn't want to get hurt again either... especially if she was particularily close to his "son"

Anna - posted on 06/03/2010

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That is hard. I think you and your fiance' need to have a serious discussion about this and need to determine what he wnats. Then as a couple you guys need to go to his mother and tell her what you as a couple/team have decided to do.

Kristian - posted on 06/03/2010

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To be honest we have talked about this. He says he doesnt need a test to know that this is his child. Which makes me feel better. And I do know that I should not be so concerned about what she feels of thinks about our child I just dont want to be nasty I want to be the better person although sometimes thats hard to do I want my daughter to know both sides of the family and have a relationship with both sides. Although at this point i kinda feel like if she doesnt want to be a part of the babys life then its her loss but i also realize that its a loss for my daughter. But I pray that things will work themselves out! Thank you for the reply!

Brianne - posted on 06/03/2010

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That's a tough situation ... does the baby's father want the DNA test? Because really that is the only person that really matters.



My fiances mother didn't seem to excited when we found out I was pregnant the first time either. She was more worried about how his daughter would react then showing excitement for the new baby about to join the family! I know it can be hard but talk it out with your fiance and see what his thoughts and feelings on the situation are! Good Luck!

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