Giving my unborn his father's surname??

Tiya - posted on 08/05/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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I am not married and where I am from we give the baby the mother's last name...but my BF thinks differently he is from Scotland and doesn't think I should...he says he is going to marry me when the time is right...we have so many ups and downs...I just don't want to give him his father's last name UNTIL we are married, because to be honest you never know if things will work out...(i know that sounds like things won't work out but I just want to be safe legally with my child) Help!!

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Carrie - posted on 09/03/2009

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i wasnt married at the time of my daughters birth and never even got married to him but what i did was give my daughters both names i just used a hyphen mine first of course yes it's very long to write but you only have to use the full name on legal documents in school she only uses mine

Amber - posted on 08/05/2009

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I had the same thoughts as you do before I had my son. I know many people who wish they didn't give their child the father's last name. I do plan to marry my son's father and I did plan to give my son his father's last name. I really don't care for my last name as it is my father's and I don't have a relationship with my father. It is a tough choice, but go with what you feel. It is what is right for your situation. You can always change their last name later on if that is what you choose as well. I know people who have changed their child's last name from the father's to their's and from their's to the fathers. Choose what you are comfortable with.

Julia - posted on 08/05/2009

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I know how u feel. When I was 17 I had my first child. She's nine now and we have a GREAT relationship and her father & I are not together anymore. One day I asked her which last name she would rather have and she said her father's. Before she was born I had a hard time trying to figure it out. And I finally concluded that she should have his last name. Even with her not having my last name I never had a legal problem with it & I also have sole custody. My advice is go with your gut. Save the hassel later if ya'll do get married of changing the name back. Then again you can always do the opposite & change if ya'll dont get married.

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Erin - posted on 02/01/2012

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i am in the same boat, on wether to change his surname to his fathers, i slipt from him before i knew i was pregnant, once i had cairo he seen him sometimes, and starting having him on the weekends until the subject of cairos surname cropped up, now he wants nothing to do with him unless i hange his name.

how would i benefit from changing it and could it cause any problems for me such as moving abroad ect, what ould it disallow for me and could he run away with him ?

Maria - posted on 09/05/2009

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Hi Attiya! I think you've already made the decision, and personally, I think you're right. As much as your boyfriend is a part of this baby's life being the biological father, the contention is still legally, you're not married, and therefore, he has no right to your child's carrying his name. It might prove to be a problem down the line.

Sheila - posted on 09/04/2009

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I heard that before it is safer to give your child your last until he does marry you. If something happened he could easily take the baby away from you if the baby has your last name i went through it

Nikki - posted on 09/01/2009

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hi, my name is Nikki, me and my now ex were together for the most part when my babywas born, but because of out ups and downs I descided to give her my last name as well as his just incase things went sour (wich the have). I put my last name first - his last name. on all of her birth certificate and all her doctors papers it is like this. It is the safest way in my opinion also so there is no complication when it comes time to show proof that this is your child and believ me if she looks different then you as far as color, it will come up. you can show that your last names are they same, it just maks it tha much easier! I hope this helps, im here if you need to ask anything else or just wanna talk! hava a great day!

Mirm - posted on 08/29/2009

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I am in the exact same boat as you are.... I'm witha scottish/Irish man and he asked me 2 nights ago if we could give the baby his last name..... we're not married and don't know if we will but I wanna go with the whole hyphenated number but I just don't know... the reprocussions of doing that to the baby could go so many different ways... I'm already stressed that I can't give my soon-to-be child everything he/she wants because we are so financially unstable and now I'm bringing them some psychological problem... I'm just very confused like you but I have faith that everything will fall through like it should...eventually.....it's all about waiting and being optimistic about it all.... i hope i helped

Sonia - posted on 08/19/2009

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I feel you should do what your heart says. I have two children (different fathers). When I got pregnant with my daughter (who is my oldest) I was young and confused. My relationship with her biological father ended fairly quickly. I was pregnant and alone but found someone that loved me and accepted my unborn child. He was there since I was two months pregnant and to this day (we are no longer together). When my daughter was born I did not give her the biological father's name but instead the name of the man that would take her as his own. In the state of California, you can name your child whatever you want but the biological father would need to be there to sign her birth certificate for him to legally be acknowledged. The fact that I had given her another man's name had no affect on Child Support or custody rights. I have sole physical and legal custody with visitation at my discretion. Child support was ordered after a blood test was administered and the MIA (missing in action) father was found to be her biological father. Legally, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to last names. I have no regrets about my daughter's last name and even though I am in a happy relationship with a wonderful man who is the biological father of my son, she still has a great and loving relationship with the man who kept his promise to be her father and raise her as his own. Thankfully, my daughter does not feel left out in anyway since she and her brother have different last names. In fact, she feels special. We let her know that she is blessed to have not one but two daddys; as for her biological father, she knows nothing about him and won't until the time is right.

I wish you the best of luck and know that what ever your choice is, it won't be wrong.

Eileen - posted on 08/19/2009

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hi,i'm married and i have 2 children.my husband is from nigeria and i'm from ireland(we are living in ireland)i gave my children both our names,i wanted them to know their irish and nigerian backgrounds.we only use their nigerian names in nigeria as they think the man is head of the house! but my family use both names because they think it's important to know who you are and where you are from.the children know to use both names as its mammys and daddys name :)

Michelle - posted on 08/14/2009

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i believe that the child should have the fathers last name, with my oldest son i gave him mine and his fathers last name but we are no longer together and he does nothing for my child but with my youngest son it was no question i gave him his fathers last name, i say just go with what you feel is the right choice for you and your child.

Julie - posted on 08/14/2009

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I talked to a laywer about this and if you're not married; you're not required to list the father's last name BUT if you do end up in family court about the name the court's usually tend to favor giving the father's last name as some kind of connection with the child (but I'm not sure what the actual statistic or experience with people going to court over a child's last name)



I gave my last name as my child's middle name.

Bianka - posted on 08/14/2009

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Quoting Amber:

I had the same thoughts as you do before I had my son. I know many people who wish they didn't give their child the father's last name. I do plan to marry my son's father and I did plan to give my son his father's last name. I really don't care for my last name as it is my father's and I don't have a relationship with my father. It is a tough choice, but go with what you feel. It is what is right for your situation. You can always change their last name later on if that is what you choose as well. I know people who have changed their child's last name from the father's to their's and from their's to the fathers. Choose what you are comfortable with.


 



I am in this SAME predicament. I don't have a relationship with my father at all, and I myself actually went through several surname changes between my mom, dad and stepdad's names.



 



Although a couple ladies said they never had problems with custody and legal stuff as far as last names go, I'm worried because I'm having a bi-racial child. If the father and I won't be together, or even if we will and we don't marry soon, am I going to have more problems proving that she is my daughter because we have different last names and skin color?

Kimberly - posted on 08/08/2009

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I second (third?) those who suggest using both names. You can hyphenate. Depending on what happens you can use one or the other or both. This might be an acceptable solution with your significant other. Some men can feel alienated if the child doesn't have their name (and some men won't care). If you are trying to work things out with him, this is a nice compromise while not leaving yourself exposed.

Sara - posted on 08/08/2009

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If you all do get married you can change the baby's name. If in the end you marry someone else your child's name will be different if it is your old name or your ex. It isn't easy!

Lisa - posted on 08/07/2009

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I was in that exact same position when pregnant with my oldest son (he's now 23). I had the same feelings and was pulled in both directions, but decided to give our son MY last name because we weren't married... the dad didn't like it, but since he really has had little part in our son's life EVER, it really don't matter. My son has said he's glad I did, coz there was a lot less explaining to do at schools and to his friends. And we always had the same last name so I didn't ever get called Mrs So&So. If I had it to do over again, with all I know now... I'd do it again. My advice to you is to go with what is in your heart and what you have the most peace about.

Laura - posted on 08/05/2009

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I liked Amie's statement, "She is her father's daughter". A last name does not change who the child's father is but to me it gives them a sense of who they are and where they came from whether or not things work out in the future with dad. I two nephews that have the same dad, one got his name and one got moms' last name. He's never said it but I think it bothers him that he didn't get dad's name. I may be old fashioned but I think getting dads name is a good idea unless dad has made it clear he's not interested, if so, then dad doesn't deserve the privaledge of having his child carry on his name.

Kara - posted on 08/05/2009

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That's so tough! You could hyphenate, I have an unmarried friend who is doing that with her son. I myself gave my son MY last name because I knew his father would not be with us, and I didn't want confusion in the future (not to mention that his first and middle name could go either way- spanish or english- but with a mexican last name....he'd feel so removed from my white/native american family). A lot of people saw my decision to give my son my last name as an insult to his father, and were very vocal about it. But I maintain that you have to go with what feel right to you. You can always change it when/if you get married in the future.

Stephanie - posted on 08/05/2009

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I think if you typically use a mothers last name and he uses the fathers the best thing seems to be to use both. I'm not married either but I gave our son his fathers last name because we do plan on marrying one day and I want us to all have the same last name in the end.

Amie - posted on 08/05/2009

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I don't know how it is in other countries when it comes to laws and such so I can not help you in that area. I live in the USA and my daughter's father does as well, although he is from Ghana. I did give my daughter her father's last name. We are not together now and I still don't regret doing so. She is her father's daughter and it is tradition to give the father's name to a child. It also can help with child support if the father signs the birth certificate.

Jami - posted on 08/05/2009

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Since you are still in a relationship with your kids father I think you should use both last names. Whether you two get married or not, you are both still her parents and her two last names will reflect her heritage. You can always choose to use one over another, but still have them both listed on legal documents. Good luck.

Brandy - posted on 08/05/2009

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I wish I didnt give my youngest daughter her fathers last name. Now I hate writing it down when I'm filling out papers for school. If I could go back I wouldn't have given her that name.

Maresha - posted on 08/05/2009

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I have been in your position, I chose to be fair and gave my child both her fathers surname and my own even though we weren't together, I wish I did different now as I have since married another man and have had 3 children since, she has issues of confusion about her surname and what to do as her siblings have different surname to her but what I have done is - used my surname as a main surname but have both for legal stuff. She feels less isolated by having my maiden name....Its your choice but to be prepared for any situation using both names gives you the option of using one or the other....Hope this helps.

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