I don't know what to do. Relationship advice.

Alyson - posted on 08/12/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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My son is three months old and has been really fussy lately. My boyfriend and I took him to the doctor and they said he was teething.

My boyfriend and I are living separately, him with his parents and me and my son with mine until we save up enough money to move out. I had to work this morning and my boyfriend watched my son over night. He told me that he was uncomfortable watching our son but wouldn't give any reason as to why so I dismissed it. I woke up this morning with a missed call and a voicemail of my son crying and my boyfriend is utterly pissed off. He sent me a text message saying that he wanted to break up. He wrote on facebook that men were not made to take care of babies. That men were not built to nuture and have no patients.

I just don't know what to do. I guess part of me feels like he's being immature. Please give me your thoughts!

Thanks
-Alyson

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Amber - posted on 08/17/2010

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My advise to you is to not leave your son with him especially over night. Everyone with a baby knows nights are hard or if your baby is being fussy that is hard for anyone, but some people do not have the ability to deal with children. I have a friend who had a baby she was about 6 months and her boyfriend was layed off work so he cared for the baby while she worked. He started saying that he couldn't take it and didn't want to take care of the baby, but just like anyone else she felt it is his responsibility until the day he broke the baby's femur. In no way was it her fault no one could have known he was going to do it but he snapped cuz the baby was crying. I would just be cautious that you could be in that situation if you leave your child in his care. If he is threatening to break up with you because you want him to care for his child then maybe you shouldn't be in that relationship. It is not that men aren't built to take care of babies it is that some people are not. My son's father takes care of my son and helps me. It really doesn't matter the choice you make abou your relationship, but please protect your baby these are warning signs

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20 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 08/20/2010

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I also believe that you should try and teach him the proper way to care for your son, because being a new parent with no experience is scary for a lot of people. Maybe he will be different after he knows what to do to calm him, but he does need to understand that he is a parent just like you and he needs to do his part.

Sarah - posted on 08/20/2010

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I totally agree with everything Marcy said. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that, and I agree that he should not be alone with your son. If you had to work, the obvious thing to do was to send him to his father and it is ridiculous that he is blaming you for having to work. You did not conceive your son alone. Please be careful with the situation.

Rebecca - posted on 08/18/2010

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I don't know his background but if he gets that upset about his son crying then honestly he's not meant to take care of a child. With him being his father, in my opinion, is he needs to man up and take care of his child and become patient and nurturing towards you, the mother of his child and to his son.

Whitney - posted on 08/17/2010

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I dont know ur bf but i know you can do way better then him. a child isnt suppose to be a chore but a blessing. kids re fun entertaining and exciting except to those who r stil a kid themselves

Marcy - posted on 08/17/2010

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Who is bickering??? Someone made a comment about something I wrote, so I chose to clarify my opinion. I was then asked a question, by said person, which I chose to answer.

If you don't like it, don't read it.

April - posted on 08/17/2010

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lord will you both stop!!!!!!! i am sure she has better things to do than listen to the both of you bicker about eachothers opinions! it is just that an opinion! everyone has them. move on so she can listen to other advise if she chooses. you both have valid points now leave it at that PLEASE

Marcy - posted on 08/17/2010

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If you read what the OP said then you would know that they do not live together. I never said that he should not see his child. That is his right as a father; however, if I were in her situation, I would not leave my child alone with someone who feels so uncomfortable being around them, and who blows up as he did. I merely stated that she should find someone else to take care of her child when she has to work. Clearly he doesn't want to do it since he told her that he was uncomfortable doing so.



I honestly can't see your point because I never suggested the man not have contact with his child, nor did I say he was a bad person. I suggested that gender roles can differ between cultures, and that it would be in the best interest of the child to find another sitter because some people are not able to contain their frustration, which can sometimes result in the harming of said child, be it intentional or not.



You keep referring to your past experience as though I my sentiments are personally attacking you somehow. My response was meant for the OP, not anyone else's situation. You are right. I do believe no person should be denied the right to see their child, assuming that they are not a danger to that child. I am really glad that things worked out for your family!

[deleted account]

So what are your suggestions to help? He's immature so he should never see his child? I had several people tell me my husband shouldn't be around kids because of his military history. Doing what I did worked. Taking the baby out of the house is an obvious fix, but a short term one. By the time this post made it on the net, I'm sure Alyson's son was safe and sound.

Look, I"m not trying to fight with a complete stranger on a blog and I'm not trying to say your reaction wasn't a good one, it just didn't seem very helpful. You can't take everything at face value. It sounds like there's something deeper going on there.

Marcy - posted on 08/16/2010

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I don't see how any of my statements were "man hating", as you put it. I merely had the interest of the child in mind, which is why I was more concerned about her finding someone else to help take care of her son. Who is the child's advocate? Because, clearly the individual overreacted. I would have said the same thing had it been a woman acting the same way. No child should be left around someone who feels that overwhelmed, especially one so young that cannot speak up for him/her self. In no way did I go about trashing her significant other. From what I have read above, the other posters were also all focused on the safety of the child.

[deleted account]

True, on the one hand he's probably just some dumb, immature kid who shouldn't be making babies and having so much responsibility. On the other hand, he did mention that he was uncomfortable watching the baby by himself. Perhaps too proud to admit that this is something he can't handle? I'm all for man hating as much as the next person but Alyson asked for help, and by help I don't think she meant people dumping all over her boyfriend.

Marcy - posted on 08/15/2010

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Being uncomfortable with a child because they seem fragile or an overwhelming responsibility is one thing, but getting pissed off and threatening to end the relationship is another thing. I know plenty of people who are scared to handle infants, but none would have reacted how her partner did. He was completely out of line.

[deleted account]

I know my husband didn't feel entirely comfortable with our daughter until she was able to be a little more independent. She's 6 months now and she can be handed a bottle or a toy and know what to do with it. A lot of guys just need time to get used to their babies. I would hand over my daughter when she was content but when she started to really fuss I took her back and showed my husband what to do to console her until he was able to figure things out on his own

Julie - posted on 08/13/2010

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It's sounds like he was very frustrated with the baby. And while that is not an excuse to break up, I would definitely listen to what this was, which sounds like a cry for help.
After having a neighbor child murdered at the hands of her uncle who probably got frustrated, I think any parent would much rather have someone say they can't do it, then to try and do something irrational.

Tara - posted on 08/12/2010

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I am going to have to agree with Marcy on a few points. I agree with the point that you might want to consider finding someone else to care for the baby. A 3mo old baby can be very demanding and if he is admitting that he has no patience he could very well snap off on the baby, and not to mention just throw his hands up and not properly care for the baby. The other point Marcy made about his beliefs or how he was raised is something to take in to consideration. Some cultures do have specific gender roles and believe that the woman is the one to take care of all the responsibilities of the home and the children. With all that said you need to sit your Man down and let him know that this baby is here and that he needs to take on his responsibility and help to raise that child. He may not be the one you want to watch the baby when your at work, but when you are off you need to show him what he can do to help you with the baby, and maybe once he learns what to do he will be more comfortable helping. On a side note you might want to ask him how he really feels about the relationship period, because to say he wants to break up for that seems like there is something else going on in his head. Hope it all works out for the best for you and your baby!

Carly - posted on 08/12/2010

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alyson, i think u right he is immature. but thats no excuse for how he is acting. my bf ries to make me do everything and he just wants to hang out with his friends, i told him he is either going to give my daughter and i 100% or nothing, cause smetimes i feel like he is holding me back and slowing me down, i think men should just as much as we do and if they are not ready, then they should leave. but i understand its hard because u want to keep a happy family. but its not fair for u and ur son to be treated that way. be strong, i hope everyting works out.

April - posted on 08/12/2010

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Oh my be careful!!!!! Unfortunately some men just are not made out to be the role of a "mother". The father of my son always and still does think that it is MY job to take care of our son ALL the time. I believe Marcy is correct in saying to be careful he does not take his frustrations out on you or your child!!! I have since left mine and life has surprisingly became much easier that tip toeing around all the time. I am sorry you are going through this. Good luck and remember God will hold your hand and guide you in the correct direction if you let him. :)

Marcy - posted on 08/12/2010

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I'm not sure what your boyfriend's background is, but some cultures have really defined gender roles. Personally I think he is being childish and needs to step up and help care for his child, BUT, going off of how he reacted, I would not trust him to be alone with your son. Some people don't have patience and can take out their frustration on the child, regardless of if it's their child or not. So, if I were you, I would find someone else to take care of your son as a precaution.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this :(

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