Interracial dating

Leah - posted on 11/22/2009 ( 32 moms have responded )

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What is it about black men/women that other races want to date them? If dating a black man/woman is causing so much controversy, what is the reason why white men/women choose to date outside of their race? No it does not have to necessariy be the the white man/women, it can really be any race. However, I have chosen this topic because it seems to be the most prevelant. Seriously, let us talk about it.

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Kasha - posted on 12/19/2009

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Quoting Brittany:

@Danyella:
I felt the need to question you on why you thing that black people come with more baggage my husband is black and i have NEVER been in a calmer relationship in my life...i honestly feel like that statment is kinda of self-opinionated i am mixed with white and hispanic and personally i feel spanish people, white people black people asian russian u name it ALL have drama in there life or "baggage" in away it sounds like your almost stereotyping either because of a personal reasons or some other reason i dk...but like i stated b4 i DID NOT choose to date out side my race it just happened...because to me race is the last thing on my mind i dont judge people especially by there race...and i still dont understand why people do but thats awhole other convo./....but i dk i just felt the need to call u out and ask u why u thought that ..



Brittany,



Baggage meaning issues of our racial history in America. It has a psychological/sociological term "HUMAN STAIN". She simply dumbed it down for everyone. I am not saying everyone is dumb either. Clearly we have some intelligent women here. However some are IMO "SUSPECT" in regards to their motives on why they date outside.



Just like you, I fell in love. Just like you I come from a mixed background and live in a "calmer relationship" w kids (toddlers). Unlike you I read her full post and think you missed her point. Just felt the need to call u out and keep u honest to the subject. So if the stilletos do not fit, which clearly it does not. This does not seem to be your issue.



And just in case. The baggage is simply what it is baggage that can be left at door. You can overcome the hurdles and rise above the stereotypes and attitudes. Clearly many have been able to do that. Its that knowing your history in a country/ies(for those from latin american and caribbean) starts with slavery, then struggle for equality, and constant struggle to show you belong. =BAGGAGE



My husband gets that but maybe that is because we talk openly about issues that will affect our sons. We don't play dillusional conversations about people are people which is true. However the world we live in still has not caught up to that thought. We as parents would do a huge disservice to our children if we did not raise them to realities and how to push forward.

Christi - posted on 12/07/2009

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i think that it is hardest for people to take a white/black relationship because let's be honest, when the colors mix it results in a child that is neither as black or darker than white. i am not saying it is wrong! racists, i think, see it as a worse thing than mexican/white, which is my situation. my son is just a little darker than me and most people just think he has a nice tan! but when you mix a dark and a very light color, you get something beautiful in between but it also sticks out more. but let's be honest with ourselves, who gives a shit. you cannot help who you love and our society just needs to except it. we are ALL a mixture of several races.

Gloria - posted on 12/04/2009

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I shall say that in every race there is an "easy woman"
In every race there is a man to be curious about! I've seen big and small on both black and white men!!
In every race there is a nagging woman or a beating man!
In every race there are respected women and intellegent men!
In every race there is someone to complain about other races!!!
In every race, we all have the same insides!!!

Somewhere in all of our ancestry, we all have a little bit of everything! Get over it! Just love everyone! Be a stronger, better person, and don't look at color, look at the hearts!!!!

Michelle - posted on 12/01/2009

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qouting leah "There is something to be said about the swag of a black man that can walk into a room as though he "owns it" and truly command respect without ever opening his mouth. "

SOME black men, not all...and it goes for any man not just black. an asian guy who is 'tall, dark and handsome' might 'command' respect from the white lady sitting accross the room, cause this is the typr of man she fancies...same as the small laughing white guy who seems to be able to get everyone to laugh with him...can be appealing to the black girl who is quiet and shy (dont say there aint no black girl with this persona..cause i know not all black women are loud and abnoxious).

I thik you started this post to start an argument after the 'snide remarks' post got you all mad. Its not about why other people want to date 'black men/women' its about why people want to date others they are attracted to. Its more about personality than looks. and its the mst 'prevalent' because people like you, keep bringing it up!

[deleted account]

I was going to post on answer but decided that I was going to stoop down to some people's level.

First off I have dated white, black, and asian. The asian and one black guy treated me horrible and only dated me because I was white and "easy". One white guy (my ex husband) also dated me because he thought I would be "easy" because his family had money and mine didn't (they called me white trash behind my back and later to my face).

The best relationship is with my husband now who happens to be black. And just to let you know I have had more issues with black women then anyone else because I "took a good black man", but he gets crap from them for acting "white" (he's educated and talks like it).

Someone said black men don't respect white women and that is not true for all of them. My husband respects me more then many black women that he knows. One of the reasons is because I don't do all the drama a lot black women do.

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32 Comments

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Ashley - posted on 02/24/2014

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Love does come in all shapes and colors... I grew up in a small town in Indiana with a very close-minded family when it came to black people and other minorities... I grew up with that exact same mentality and if you would have asked me back then i'd I'd ever marry a black man, I'd say you were insane!
Yet here I am today, married 2 years to an amazing, wonderful African-American man. I'm 29-years-old and I'm pregnant with our very first child too! I can't even remember race ever being an issue in my life although it was... people change and mature.

Jennifer - posted on 01/22/2010

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I believe that love comes in all colors and shades. Everyone is attracted to a different type of person whether it involves skin color or personality. Ignorance will always exist and with that comes racism. It is sad that it is now 2010 and some people are still just as close minded as when slavery was around. I believe that we all must continue to love our beautiful bi-racial babies and teach them to love all people regardless of their ignorance.

Rebekah - posted on 01/21/2010

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you like who u like and personally i dont like the word "race" because we are all the human race. ill quote the guy in the movie not easily broken "im human first and then im black"

Natalie - posted on 01/21/2010

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Hm.. that's a good question. I personally never even thought i would marry an american. I'm from germany and i met my husband there. And the skin color wasn't an issue for me, i like darker guys anyways, my previous boyfriends were all dark haired with a slight tan, like from south europe...
I jsut liked the way he treated me and we had so much in common, it just clicked...

Anyways, my brother is halfwhite/half black and he's gorgeous, he has nice skin, a great face and his eyes are green. He's with a blond white girl now and they're having a baby....

My younger cousin is dating a white guy, she's also half and half and she's always liked white guys for some reason... she's also very pretty and i understand why guys like her.....

Brittney - posted on 01/21/2010

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Well Said Tara. I have a daughter who is mixed black and white.. her father is black and i am white. My family has always been against me dating out side of my race. But i have dated many different races. I don't judge a man by the color of his skin, it the connection i have with him that matters. I have been fortunate enough to have a family that accepts the fact my daughter is mixed and loves both of us regardless. I love my daughters father and i do see myself getting married to him one day. My family has accepted that also. I too feel that love knows no color, age etc. I feel as long as they are happy.. then why does it matter? We are all one species.. human. So why cant we love one another? Regardless of color, race and so on. It's just mind boggling that some people can be so close minded.

Tara - posted on 01/21/2010

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Gloria, I couldn't have said it beater. There are easy women in every race, it's not just white women. I am white and I am married to a black man, it has nothing to do with and never had anything to do with the sex. We fell in love. Love knows no color, no age, no anything. I've always been attracted to every race, there's certain men of different races that I am just attracted to. I've never been attracted to anyone for anything but who they are. I have a very racist family, they won't even speak to me all because I am with a black man, and if I didn't truly love him, I wouldn't have given up my racist family and friends just to be with him. Love is love, and nothing can change that, when two people fall in love nothing matters, not race, not age, not where they came from, anything.

Tammy - posted on 01/05/2010

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Personally, I believe that true love is color blind. I am white, my husband is Puerto Rican. I didn't fall in love with him or marry him because of his race. I love him for him - his personality, his heart. He just so happened to be Puerto Rican.

Kasha - posted on 12/19/2009

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I like men period. As long as you look good, plumbing works, good conversation and have your stuff together. We are good.

Stephanie - posted on 12/19/2009

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I am from the south, so I can honestly say that racism is still a large part of the local ideals in my area. I however can not honestly say why it is exactly that I am attracted to black men ( I am white). It has always been like that for me, even when I was younger.

Iris - posted on 12/12/2009

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I started dating my husband because I found him to be sexy, and then I found out that we actually could talk for hours. We've been together for 11 years and been married for 10. He's still the love of my life and it has absolutely nothing to do with his race. It has to do with who he is.

Chanelle - posted on 12/12/2009

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i have dated all types of men black, white, asian, and spanish. and i found all treated me with respect because its what i expect out of any man i dated.( im black and the father of my child is white and were engaged) now i grew up in an all black neighborhood with mainly black friends all my life but if when i talk many of my friends would say i sound white now i work at a place with mainly white people and they say the same thing i have heard of all the sterotypes and honestly my fiance gets stares from black men that have a problem with him dating me so its not just white women that have a hard time with this but its hard enough gettin it from your own race because sometimes even my male friends give me a hard time but i just think its insecurity. when they feel that they could never be what i would want. for example if your dating a guy and your black and he is white and all he looks at are spanish women and talks about how beautiful he feels they are you start to feel insecure because you feel that thats what he really wants and that you could never be that. thats what i feel people see when they see mixed couples mainly if one is of thier own race ( unless they are just racist then thats another subject) but another issue with people period is some people dont want to embrace darker skin which i think is wrong and that exsists in many cultures not just black people but thats another discussion

Mandy - posted on 12/02/2009

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I am a white woman with a black husband and we have been together for 13 years! He is a very intelligent man and he would be the first to tell you that I was the biggest challenge he ever had to face in a relationship. Your perspective might be true in some cases, alot of different things are true in all different kinds of situations. Dont think just because the guys that you are around say things of that nature, that everyone feels that way. Women are going to be women and men are going to be men, if them men think that all white women are "easier" believe me, they will meet thier match. Not all black women are hard, just like not all white women are easy. It just comes down to who you fall for and who you want to be with.

Kimberly - posted on 11/28/2009

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Quoting Leah:

Since I asked the question, I am going to answer it from my perspective.

First off, I have dated both black and white guys. I have never dated anything but those two racial groups. I guess in large part because I have never been attracted to another. I have a harder time dating white guys, simply because I have found that they have a harder time relating to me. I grew up in an all white family even though I am part black and korean, because I was adopted. So me relating to white guys was never hard for me.

However, if I had my preferences, I would date black guys simply because I think they are by far the most attractive guys I have ever met. To some degree the darker they are the more attractive they become. There is nothing more attractive to me than a tall, dark, and handsome man. Yes, I love the bald head on top of that. There is something to be said about the swag of a black man that can walk into a room as though he "owns it" and truly command respect without ever opening his mouth.

It bothers me when I hear white women say that they started dating him for the sex. They wanted to know if the "stereotype" was true. Just the same as it bothers me to hear a black man say he dated a white girls simply because she was easy and gave him "becky!" i have heard many guys say that the white girl is more appealing to them because they will do anything for them. To me that sounds like he wants someone he can control and is truly submissive. No my man does not run over me, but I have more to offer than the average female, so keeping him is not as difficult for me as it is for others. Especially if you take sex out the equation, I truly offer more than the average female. I have never heard an black man say that he respects a white woman as much as he respects a black woman, which is also disheartening, because though he recognizes the struggle of his race, he does not stand beside her always because she is not as "easy!"



Why does it bother you that a woman would want to know what the sex is like with a black man...as a stereotype...then you say there's something about the swag of a black man...thats a stereotype.  Not every man walks around like he's Denzel in "Training Day" and not every white man walks around like PeeWee Herman.  My husband has the most gawd awful walk and he's a black man!  He doesn't have that "swag" you mention...partially because he's a happy go lucky guy who kind've has a skip when he walks.  He doesn't have the arrogance when walking in a room because he's too busy opening doors for others.  I don't think your stereotype is any better because its still physical.  The reality is, when dating another race sometimes we're different and there is nothing wrong with that being the attraction.  My first husband had that swag and he used that swag to pull a gun on me and be that stereotypical black man.  I was attracted to him because being black myself I thought we'd have that bond.  Yea that didn't work out.  My 2nd husband isn't full black (Belizean and Mexican to be exact) and thats partly what attracted me to him.  The stereotype for Mexican men (at least where I'm from) is that their all about their family and loyal.  So is that wrong that I was curious if it was true???  Did it ever occur to you that some men dated you specifically because you were partly Asian and they had stereotypes in their mind???   Then you say you never heard a black man say he respects a white woman...who are you having these conversations with???  Apparently their not that bright because white or black all women should be respected so I wouldn't take their opinion to heart.

Khia - posted on 11/28/2009

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How about because they are men/women? If it's strictly someone's race that attracts you to them, you should be asking yourself some much harder questions than this. I am bi-racial and my daughter is tri-racial, so I know what I'm talking about. I have always considered myself an equal opportunity dater. I date who I'm attracted to, no matter what color they are. If you date based on race alone, you're asking for trouble.

Brittany - posted on 11/26/2009

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welli personally dont have have ne problem with "black" women but i do get what your saying "some" people tend to nit pick at all people because of a few occasions...but what you study at grad school and what you live is a different story yes i know rascim is still VERY alive in some parts and it DRIVES me insane personally because i dont see what makes me different from anyone eles besides culture...but its not only blacks who get a piece of the rasim and i can tell u that from experience...like i said ALL races come to a point where they become a subject to racsim...and thats the truth ne way u look at it.

Michelle - posted on 11/26/2009

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"It bothers me when I hear white women say that they started dating him for the sex."

oh and the sex with my black man...QUALITY, QUANTITY and SPONTANEITY....oh and a big .....

Michelle - posted on 11/26/2009

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"It bothers me when I hear white women say that they started dating him for the sex. They wanted to know if the "stereotype" was true"

The girls that say this have never slept with a black man...its just not what you say if you are attracted to another race. What you hear and what you most likely wont see is completely different. Ive heard black men go out with white women becasue they dont always get their ears chewed off about 'living life' and feeling pressured to bring in the money...its not true for everyone, there are lots of sterotypical comments out there...and you are just as bad if you start to believe any of them. White women are not 'easy'. Some are but most likely because theyve has a shit upbringing and not been taught respect. Some black women are 'easy' and for reasons that are probably the same...daddy wasnt around and so women dont learn to trust males and just give themselves...

most of the stereotypical comments starts with young men and women who are not mature enough to understand how relationships work, and are most likely insecure (like most teenagers) who just think that making these lines up are funny, and then they can say to their mates 'oh ive been there, shes a easy fuck' when really she probably blew him off.

Michelle - posted on 11/26/2009

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Quoting Danyella
"The only thing discussed seemed to be why they choose not to date w/in their race, which sounds like a bunch of bologna and self-hate, IMO. I know this isn't the case for all..."


hahahahahahaha

Michelle - posted on 11/26/2009

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Well id love to add my say!



I was 12....and there was 1 african lad in my school. There were black girls from different origins and all of them were lovely and spoke with dignity and respect for everyone...there was never trouble or fights regarding black and white in my school Well this lad was a bit older than me and because he was the only black lad, he stood out...but with so much confidence and he was always smiling and jokin around. ( i think i was a bit too young to get a look in though lol )

Then i watched save the last dance and oh mi Gosh! Sean patrick thomas here i come! It was the way his smile just beamed and his face so kind. The way he touched 'sarah' and the way in which the dark skin and light skin 'met'. It just turned me on.



Well i dated a few white guys at school..everyone.. a dipshit. The I met my ex, who was white and thought i fell in love.I was with him for 2 1/2 yrs and was engaged at 16. my world evolved around him..he was a prat an idiot and a druggy, yet bcus he was likw he was, i thought thats how we were supposed to be. Then one night I was out with my mate and was talking to our friend security gaurd in maccy d's and this gorgeous Black man in his sucurity outfit walked in. His face looked down at the ground when I looked at him and he started to talk to my friend (the securty guard, they worked for the same company). He was laughing and smiling like ive never seen and his face lit up...I turned round to my girlfriend and said 'my god, please Lord bless me with this man'. He then went to walk out of maccy 'ds and he turned round and smiled at me....yay!!!!!!!

He then text my friend the security guard and he read it out to me and it said 'get me that girls number, shes beautiful'. And that was it....weve been together for 4 1/2 yrs now. He also told me that he spotted me where he was workin that night and saw me come down the escalator then he sed he saw my ass lol, he wanted to catch me, but his colleague was talkin too much. I think it was meant to be! And to answer the comments from some of the women on here, well

he actually sed (when we first made love) which was amazing, he loved the fact it took so long for him to get me into bed lol and i think he respected me more for it. He treated me so gently unlike my druggy white ex. He took me on dates and paid..where as my ex would make me pay for his weed let alone not take me out.



I love his way of life...which is pretty English but influential when it comes to his families heritage...his dad it 1/4 chinese and 3/4 antiguan and his mom is jamaican. I love the get togethers and the family environment, everything to do with all of his family. They accepted me straight away and call me their daughter. I respect them and will love them forever. I am blessed to have this family in my life.

Im his Sarah and hes my Derek.

Danyella - posted on 11/25/2009

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Quoting Brittany:

@Danyella:
I felt the need to question you on why you thing that black people come with more baggage my husband is black and i have NEVER been in a calmer relationship in my life...i honestly feel like that statment is kinda of self-opinionated i am mixed with white and hispanic and personally i feel spanish people, white people black people asian russian u name it ALL have drama in there life or "baggage" in away it sounds like your almost stereotyping either because of a personal reasons or some other reason i dk...but like i stated b4 i DID NOT choose to date out side my race it just happened...because to me race is the last thing on my mind i dont judge people especially by there race...and i still dont understand why people do but thats awhole other convo./....but i dk i just felt the need to call u out and ask u why u thought that ..


The only reason I say black people have more baggage is b/c of the history that still continues to follow our community from slavery. That didn't mean that you can't have a calm relationship w/ someone black. My husband is Hispanic and this is the best relationship I've ever been in. We're two peas in a pod. But I don't contribute any of that to our race/ethnicity--we're just a good match. I think you may have misunderstood what I said. But thank you for asking for clarification.



Everyone has their own baggage, but black people come w/ a different set of baggage. This isn't necessarily stuff that we've created, but has been thrust upon us. It all depends on where you live that determines how much of the drama you'll experience. When I say baggage/drama, I really mean the racism/prejudice experienced. It's hard for someone who's not black to understand. Blacks as a whole still experience racism on a whole more than any other group of people. I'm not saying this from personal experience, I'm saying this from the research that I've done in grad school. 



You don't have to justify to me why you're with a black man. I think it's great! My mom's Mexican, dad's black. My problem is when women who date black men start hating all black women b/c of a few bad experiences they had w/ a few black women. I'm sure this is where OP's thread came from.

Brittany - posted on 11/24/2009

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@Danyella:
I felt the need to question you on why you thing that black people come with more baggage my husband is black and i have NEVER been in a calmer relationship in my life...i honestly feel like that statment is kinda of self-opinionated i am mixed with white and hispanic and personally i feel spanish people, white people black people asian russian u name it ALL have drama in there life or "baggage" in away it sounds like your almost stereotyping either because of a personal reasons or some other reason i dk...but like i stated b4 i DID NOT choose to date out side my race it just happened...because to me race is the last thing on my mind i dont judge people especially by there race...and i still dont understand why people do but thats awhole other convo./....but i dk i just felt the need to call u out and ask u why u thought that ..

Danyella - posted on 11/24/2009

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To the lady named "User": I think the women who have responded to this post aren't the women who have the problem dating out of their race. The women, I'm sure, you were hoping would come in here and explain themselves probably won't do so.

I am also curious as to why some women chose to date outside of their race if the looks and comments, they should've known they'd get, bother them so much?

I have dated men of different races and ethnicities. I don't care what race you are, but that you can relate to me on more than just a surface level. I want to know that I can have deep conversations w/ you about anything and everything--nothing's taboo.

Being with someone black comes w/ so much more drama/baggage than being w/ someone of another race/ethnicity b/c of the history of black folks and how it continues to haunt the community even in the 21st century. My husband understands this and never makes me feel like I'm less of a person b/c of these unfortunate circumstances that I may face. My husband is Hispanic, so he understands to a degree (he looks white to those who can't tell), and if he doesn't, we talk about it. Race, racism, prejudice are not topics we shy away from talking about. And I just wonder, if some of the other women in IRR, especially w/ black men, ever get into deep conversations about this? Not just all that surface talk. From what I've gathered reading posts in another thread, it doesn't seem like these topics have ever been discussed. The only thing discussed seemed to be why they choose not to date w/in their race, which sounds like a bunch of bologna and self-hate, IMO. I know this isn't the case for all...

Leah - posted on 11/22/2009

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Since I asked the question, I am going to answer it from my perspective.



First off, I have dated both black and white guys. I have never dated anything but those two racial groups. I guess in large part because I have never been attracted to another. I have a harder time dating white guys, simply because I have found that they have a harder time relating to me. I grew up in an all white family even though I am part black and korean, because I was adopted. So me relating to white guys was never hard for me.



However, if I had my preferences, I would date black guys simply because I think they are by far the most attractive guys I have ever met. To some degree the darker they are the more attractive they become. There is nothing more attractive to me than a tall, dark, and handsome man. Yes, I love the bald head on top of that. There is something to be said about the swag of a black man that can walk into a room as though he "owns it" and truly command respect without ever opening his mouth.



It bothers me when I hear white women say that they started dating him for the sex. They wanted to know if the "stereotype" was true. Just the same as it bothers me to hear a black man say he dated a white girls simply because she was easy and gave him "becky!" i have heard many guys say that the white girl is more appealing to them because they will do anything for them. To me that sounds like he wants someone he can control and is truly submissive. No my man does not run over me, but I have more to offer than the average female, so keeping him is not as difficult for me as it is for others. Especially if you take sex out the equation, I truly offer more than the average female. I have never heard an black man say that he respects a white woman as much as he respects a black woman, which is also disheartening, because though he recognizes the struggle of his race, he does not stand beside her always because she is not as "easy!"

Iysha - posted on 11/22/2009

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I have always gravitated toward white men. Nearly all of my boyfriends have been white. I am Hispanic and live in a predominantly Hispanic community. I guess the white boys always stood out and I liked them. lol.

I studied a bit of this in my Intrapersonal communications class in college and I found that a lot of people, including myself, are attracted to people with different characteristics than themselves....usually the characteristics are ones that they themselves are not comfortable with and/or wish were different....whether the differences are in personality or looks. I always liked the way I looked and usually dated men with dark hair and light skin like mine but am super shy and watch what I say to people and have always dated men that are very outspoken and extroverted...I didn't like that I was that way and seemed to be attracted to that type of personality. Opposites Attract? lol.

Michelle - posted on 11/22/2009

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I think that even though there is still some racism, there is far less than ever before. Now you can be attracted to anyone you want, . I myself am mixe black and white and never in my life dated a black man. I have been told Im racist but it is not true, im just not attacted to black men or white men, but I only get grief for not being attracted to black men. I also get hell for the men I do like, which are usally mexican, honduras, el salvador, ect. this is defently not a common mix.

Brittany - posted on 11/22/2009

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you cant help who u like/love people are always going to have some to say either neg. or postive race really has nothing to do with who you fall for but people try to make it something when its out of there comfort zone...i personally did not choose to date out of my race it just happened and though some people had an issue with it at 1st more people accepted it and honestly at the end of the day my happieness is what matters most not other peoples opinion =)

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