Is there anything you could tell me that you wish someone would have told you?

[deleted account] ( 38 moms have responded )

I was just wondering if there was any advise you could give me... I'm pregnant with my first child. I'm due February 2. I am have a bi-racial daughter. I am white and her dad is black. Is there anything you could tell me that you wish someone would have told you?

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Denitra - posted on 05/28/2009

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Not sure if this is really advice or just my opinion. Know that this beautiful baby is a part of both of you. You don't have to chose if the child is black and then remove your family's history or chose that the child is white and remove the child's father. It was important to me that my child is raised to understand she is a combination of two extraordinary families. Two extraordinary histories (African and Irish) and there is no box now or one that will ever be made this is small enough to hold the power she possesses.

Chrystal - posted on 05/27/2009

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My word of advice for you is to forget about all the stigma that has been placed on bi-racial relationships and bi-racial children. Love your child and her father like no other. No matter what is said to you keep your head held hi. My husband is black and my children are bi-racial. They are beautiful and mean the world to me. I would do anything for them and stand-up to anyone that may come across that has a problem with them. My children have not had to deal with any racism but if they do I will be there to work through anything.

TT - posted on 05/27/2009

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Kkk...i had a son a year ago..His dad is jamacain n puerto rican im mexican n white. I thought he would be alot darker since his father is dark..like serisouly ebony n ivory couple LOL but he came out light. You just have to make sure to cover her legs and knees when crawling if shes really light cuz son started getting darker patches in those areas && especially since shes a girl you dont want her to have super black knees when she gets older. But you have to be confident, some people may say ignorant things, evidentally there are still races people in the world..lol but make sure you have a strong support system! Make sure you explore both races, my parents didnt do that for me n it was disappointing knowin that once i got older i didnt know alot about my race.

Jo - posted on 05/27/2009

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Congratulations on your baby. I am half french/english and my daughter's dad is from Barbados, and she'll be 3 in July, I'm sure you'll notice that your little girl will sometimes look more like you and then sometimes like her dad. The only thing I would have loved to have known, was what hair products to use, as my little girl has the most amazing ringlets, but, her hair matts up all night and I can't brush without using a detangler...don't bother with any high Street detanglers, it just doesn't do a thing...go to a black hairdressers or black hair product shop and try out some organic detanglers. You'll love it, and the earlier you make your child used to getting her hair brushed, the easier it'll be.

Amanda - posted on 04/28/2009

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I'm sure somewhere down the line someone is going to be ignorant and make a nasty comment but I would ignore it and move on. If this never happens to you then you are blessed. Hope your birth goes well and show some pictures when she comes. I have 3 bi racial children and one that is not.

Maria - posted on 04/26/2009

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Congratulations on your baby! By now you probably have experienced first-hand that your biggest worry right now is taking care of your baby and your hubby. What others think or say afterwards become trivial and irrelevant.

Sarah - posted on 04/13/2009

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Don't get annoyed when people think you're the nanny. Maybe that sounds rude, but it comes with the territory, I guess. My daughter is Thai and white and because I have red hair and blue eyes I could not possibly be her mom. She's older now, and it's funny to me, but when she was younger people saw this Asian baby and didn't think she could possibly be mine. It bothered me more then than it does now.



I think that people with biracial kids are expected wo "deal" with biculturalism in the home rather than talking about it. I'm a white chick with a non white kid. It's worth talking about.

Kim - posted on 04/12/2009

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I would just say you may get alot of stares and comments, but don't worry about what other people do or say. Just focus on your family. As long as your family is happy and healthy that is all that matters.

Kim - posted on 04/12/2009

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I would just say you may get alot of stares and comments, but don't worry about what other people do or say. Just focus on your family. As long as your family is happy and healthy that is all that matters.

Lisa - posted on 04/12/2009

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All that I can say is that I'm raising my daughter to be proud of who she is and what she looks like. She loves her wild curls and her beautiful coffee-colored skin, and gets happier in the summer when her skin gets darker. I once was teasing her when she showed me a boo-boo that the scab had fallen off and the skin underneath was white.  She was about 3, and she asked me why the spot was white. I said"I don't know, maybe you're turning white" and she got mad and me and started crying! She loves that brown skin!



 



The other thing I want to say is that no matter what, when your daughter walks into a room, people will see a black women. So raise her to be a proud black women.  So many people have said to me " ..but she's white AND black" but the fact remains that she looks black.  I feel I have to raise her to know that there are racist people in this world, and teach her to protect her self from them. We live in a very diverse city where bi-racial people are the norm,, and have had very few problems with rascism. Hopefully in my lifetime I will see the day that skin color isn't even an issue, and until then, I'm making sure she is proud of who she is!



And, of course, bi-racial kids are THE MOST BEAUTIFUL!!!!



Good luck with your family!

Regina - posted on 03/30/2009

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I wish some one would have said pick your battles. You cant fight everyone. As long as your child is loved, they will be ok. Answer all questions with honesty when your baby asks. My chidren are Black and Domincan, within that mix is on my side black, native american and scotch irish. My husband at last exploration is Domincan, cuban, french , spanish and Egyptian. My eldest has learned to respond to the question are you black or white or what. She will normally smile and say or what...LOL. Love it...life is too short

Jennifer - posted on 02/18/2009

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Hello and CONGRATULATIONS!!!



I haven't really read through all the response in detail so if I'm repeating anything I apologize. I assume since you're asking this question here in this group that you're really kind of asking about advice about race/racial identity, etc. Maybe I can offer some advice as I myself am mixed. My Mom is white and father is black. I was raised in a predominantly black neighborhood all growing up and (other than with family) wasn't even regularly around white people until I got to high school. My personal thoughts about race have morphed and changed many many MANY times throughout the years and I think I'm finally at a place where I understand what it means to me clearly enough to be able to communicate it to other people. All if this is, I believe, because I didn't have a Mom who raised me 'black' or raised me 'white'. She just raised my sister and me to be proud upstanding women. She was there if and when we needed to talk about things or issues came up but race wasn't something we focused on terribly in our house. Now, I'm not at all saying we should pretend it doesn't matter because that would be silly. Our different races make us beautiful and interesting. Our combinations are what help us be uniquely us. The ethnicities that make up our races are vastly more interesting than purely what may or may not be on the surface because there is where our true flavors live.



Don't feel pressured to define your daughter. People have their opinions for their own reasons. When they try to force them upon you, it can be a stress that makes you question every choice you make and you just don't need that extra, ridiculous stress. When she's grown, she's going to define herself however she choses anyway. And, ultimately, it is her choice to make. It's how she will feel about herself, how she will identify. Hopefully, by the time she's even asking any questions we really will be in the place we appear to be headed now - that it will be such a non-issue that there won't be any extra need for anyone to fret about it just like there isn't when a white person who is Irish, Italian, and Polish identifies more one way or as all three equally.



Your personal, family traditions, beliefs, goals are all going to matter to her much much more than why everyone is a different color. Teach her her heritage and her cultures through those things, and not by whatever society will feel like telling her she is on a given day. B/W mixed are as varied as any other race - some look like Halle Berry and Victoria Rowell, some look like Jennifer Beals and Rashida Jones - and that's why we're all so beautiful ;>



Seriously though, just remember she's so much more than the parts which make her. The world is going to see her however it sees her. All that matters is how SHE sees herself.



Hope that helps =^) Congratulations again!!!

[deleted account]

I guess by now you've had your little girl. Hope all went well! Congratulations to both you & the daddy! I have 3 daughters, all white/African-American. My youngest are twins. While I was pregnant my best friend & I used to joke around saying that it would be funny if 1 came out white and the other black (honestly didn't matter). I think we called it! It's not too distinct, but enough. Jada has the lighter complexion. She favors more after myself. Her hair is longer and I don't put lotion in it. Jordan is a shade or two darker. Her hair is very curly and if I don't put lotion in it she has a 'fro!! They are my girls and wouldn't trade any of them for the world! Their mix just adds to the history that they will be able to discover about their family!

One thing I do suggest...talk to them. When they get old enough to carry on a conversation, talk to them. My parents didn't. I didn't have a horrible life, but would have probably thought twice (or more) about some of my decisions. When your child starts going to school, simply start out by seeing if they know anything about certain subjects. You know...the major ones. Sex, drugs, alcohol. Not heavy conversations at first, but correct them the best you can without giving TOO much info. And let them know that you are there for them regardless...with an open and understanding mind. OMG...I can't stress the communication issue enough. My oldest is 13. I talk to her ALL the time. I don't over-do it, but I get my point across and then pray that she uses the information wisely.

Again...Congratulations! I pray that you & your family will be blessed!

Tara - posted on 02/06/2009

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My daughter is 4 months old now and I was so shocked when she was born that she really did look like both me (Caucasian) and my husband (Indian).  Your daughter will look like you both and while there will always be rude people who say dumb stuff it wont matter because she will be the light of your life!

Amy - posted on 01/17/2009

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The biggest thing I wish I had known was that African American babies and bi-racial babies don't always come out dark. I am white and my husband is black, I expected our son to be fairly dark when he was born, he wasn't, he was very light and had straight hair. I must have looked really surprised b/c the nurse said, "don't worry he'll darken up!" LOL! Now at 16 months he is a beautiful coffee w/cream color and has gorgeous curls, but it really took me by surprise that he was born so light.

Lauren - posted on 01/14/2009

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I agree about talking about the cultural differences.  My husband is Nigerian and I am American and we have a lot of differences of opinion when it comes to raising our 17 month old daughter.  It's good to be on the same page about feeding, discipline, and expectations so when you want to do it your way and he wants to do it his then you both have the same way!  The hair can be a challenge too.  I am white and some black women friends I have made fun of me a lot in trying to figure out how to do her hair.  We are still learning!  Congrats on your daughter! 

Erin - posted on 01/14/2009

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I guess this isn't something that I wish someone had told me but rather just something to recognize... The moment your child is born you instantly understand motherhood! Instincts you never knew existed will kick in (and listen to them, especially when you have strong feelings about something). You will also be filled with a love you've never felt before, it truly is amazing!
Enjoy every moment (even when you think you might lose your mind) and don't make time go by too fast by wishing for them to hurry up and get to their milestones. Time flies on its own!
Best Wishes to you and your new family!

Kristina - posted on 01/12/2009

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I LOVE the diversity that biracial children have. I love confusing people. Some people ask me if they have the same dad and I ask "why does that matter??" My mother used to say how "good" it was that my older daughter was so fair when she was younger. I was astounded....why I asked....because life will be easier for her. Wow....that shocked me! Actually, my older daughter calls my current partner her dad. He has been there for her for 3 years and her bio dad never sees her...hasn't bothered in over 2 years.

Susan - posted on 01/12/2009

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As one relpy stated, be prepared for the little one not looking exactly how you think they will. I'm caucasian and my husband is Asian (Filipino). Our first born looks like a perfect mix. Next came our twins, boy and girl. Our son has sandy blond hair and hazel green eyes like my Dad (could be his clone) and our daughter looks so Asian that it's hard to imagine they're actually twins. When I walk around with the twins I often wonder if folks think I adopted my daughter and then got pregnant with "my own". The funny thing is, the one that looks the least like me is the one that has more of my personality! God definitely works in mysterious ways!

Kellie - posted on 01/12/2009

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i have 4 bi racial kids. i am white and their dad is black. they are all different. my oldest daughter had very little hair until she was over one. she is now 14, dark completion and wavy not curly hair. her friends are always asking her if she is adopted. my 13 yr old girl is lighter complected but kinky hair. my 10 year old girl is brown and kinky hair, my 7 yr old son is lighter complected but straight hair(unless i let it grow then it is wavy) they are all different. but people still think that I adopted them. I just explain that they are my biological kids. love her for who she is. Have fun with the hair. Kellie

[deleted account]

Thank you EVERYONE for all your advise! Its making things alot easier for me for sure! you have answered alot of questions that I definately had... Keep the advise coming as I'm sure there are other soon to be moms that have read this or will read this. plus I'm sure there is soooo much more i can learn. ;D Thanks again!

Kristina - posted on 01/11/2009

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Oh, and don't worry about her color. The beauty of all mixed race children is they are born with both mommy and daddy in them so their color can run the spectrum. My daughters have 2 different dads. My big girl is kind of light and her hair is kind of blonde in the summer. My baby is darker already then her sister and I know she will get darker and she gets older. That has been my experience....their complexion along with t heir hair texture changes throughout their life. I have a friend, her husband is about as dark as my partner (fairly dark complected) and her son has blond curly hair and blue eyes. But he looks JUST like his daddy! Wow....I could tell you soooo much! :o)

Kristina - posted on 01/11/2009

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CONGRATULATIONS!!! It is just such a joy to be a mom. You will love it. I have 2 daughters, ages 2 and 9, (I know, huge age difference!!). My advice....don't stress it. Everyone is going to have opinions and "helpful" suggestions. You are going to know what is right, what feels right. Dont' stress yourself out. If you have a question....call a doctor or a friend or get yourself on this blog. You will be great, don't doubt that. Don't stress the bi-racial thing. Embrace it. Your child will be blessed. Know that you will be able to help your daughter be a great woman. She has her daddy to teach her about her black culture and you about her white. Start your own family traditions and don't get all caught up in what your or his mom has to say. Remeber they come from a different generation. Those can be great, but they aren't the gospel!

Amanda - posted on 01/11/2009

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My husband is Nigerian and I am white British. Our son was born in 2007 and when my dad saw him he said " Oh my goodness, I expected him to be more black!" To be honest, so did I. I haven't had many friends with mixed race babies before and I was always lead to believe that the black gene was stronger than the white so I expected a more black baby. However, my son was almost as white as I am and he had very dark brown straight hair. He was sooo cute and actually the spitting image of his daddy.



He was born with a mark over his back and bottom which they call a Mongolian Blue Spot here. Its like a huge bruise across his back and bottom. I wasn't too shocked as my midwife had told me about this but my mum was horrified. It looked like someone had beaten him. He still has it now at 14 months but its slowly getting smaller.



His hair didn't go curly till about four months. Now he is a bit older and I have cut it a few times its a lot coarser but not really afro like his dad. Other than those little bits of info all I can say is, labour is hell on earth. Elijah was 2 weeks late and I had to be induced. I was in labour 24 hours then had to have an emergency c section. It was an experience to say the least but it hasn't put me off wanting more. Its a pain we have to go thru to create a miracle. God bless you and all the best for you and baby. enjoy!

Carolyn - posted on 01/11/2009

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When my oldest son was born I was shocked at just how straight his hair was and how fair his complexion was. His dad was disappointed at first because his hair was straight ( he didn't know S*** either), any way he's 23 now, and his curls are so tight, and his complexion is much darker. Through the years, many births, nieces, nephews and friends, all the children I know have been born like that...wheather their all black or bi-racial, the children are always born lighter and it takes awhile for the pigment in their skin to get darker. My mother-in-law told me to look at their fingers right below their nail beds, the skin is darker there , and that's the color they will grow into. It may be a wives tale...don't know...but I believe it.

Debbie - posted on 01/10/2009

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Regarding labor, this is the best advice a friend gave me. When you have to push, push as if you are doing number 2. It worked for me and other friends that I've passed that advice on to.



The thing I wish I could have gotten advice on (and I'm still looking) is what to do with the hair. I'm black and my husband is white. My daughter's hair has my husband's texture and can be either curly (when wet) or straight. It gets frizzy easily and looks dry if I don't get it wet before combing. I use lots of leave in conditioner but I can't figure out if I should put hair oil in or not. 



As far as race or ethnicity, we take them to the countries of their heritage, immerse them in the languages, customs and music. We can't help the stupid things some people say or do but we expose them to as many different cultures as we can and surround them with people who are accepting of them. We teach them to be curious and accepting of others as well. We picked their schools based on this, the neighborhood we live in and even choose our friends and our jobs based on this. We are trying to raise confident children who have no doubts about their identity.

Gabrielle - posted on 12/31/2008

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I'm half-Mexican, half-white, and my husband is white. When my daughter was born I was so pleased to see she had black hair like mine, but her skin was much paler than I expected. Now at 2.5, her skin is clearly darker than my hubby's, but not as dark as mine, and her hair has lightened to look much more like his (brown with auburn highlights). I sometimes wish she looked more like me, but she's beautiful. We're raising her to be exposed to my Mexican and Jewish heritage as well my hubby's family roots. We talked about it before we had kids, that there were certain things that were important to us, so we could agree on what we did. My husband is so proud that my daughter can count to 10 in Spanish. There will always be ignorant people who will comment on your choice of a mate, your daughter's appearance, etc, but don't let them get to you. Your child is a true child of the world - all mixed up and happy.

Colette - posted on 12/31/2008

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My firstborn son looks white just like his daddy with brown hair and light eyes. Our second born daughter looks just like me with darker brown hair, dark brown eyes and darker skin then our first... Someone asked me the other day if my firstborn was MY son. Another women asked me if they had the same daddy. It makes me wonder how many other people out there wonder if I am my firstborn's mom because we don't look like the same race and vice versa for my husband and our daughter. Just be ready for anything. Some people will just say or ask whatever... How you react to it will someday be how your children react to how people treat them. They should be proud of their background like everyone should.

Angela - posted on 12/31/2008

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I guess it's just important to understand that you won't always understand what your daughter is going through.

Leila - posted on 12/31/2008

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I have two biracial daughters. My hubbie is white (blond hair, blue eyes) and I am brown (black hair, brown eyes). Our daughters are white looking (one has brown hair and eyes, the other has blondish/brownish hair and brown eyes). People on the street ask if they are adopted, if I am the nanny. One person who saw kid pics on my work desk thought that they were foster children. Argh! People are SO rude.

Paulena - posted on 12/30/2008

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Even if your baby is mixed you can have a "throw back" I am Hispanic, my husband is white. When my son "popped" out I yelled "OH MY! MY BABY IS WHITE!!!!!!!!" The whole room busted out in laughter. Needless to say, I was rather embarrassed. The only advise I can think of is Your baby may not look like how you thought she (he in my case) should. My son has blond hair blue eyes and has the complexion of Casper the friendly ghost. But! He acts just like me.

Terri - posted on 12/30/2008

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Congratulations, Kristi! I wish that someone had told me that real labor pains feel like when you are getting a really, really bad menstrual cramp. I think that I would have been better prepared if I had known that.

Tara - posted on 12/28/2008

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Congrats on your baby girl. I just have a little story that I will never ever forget. Its very minor though. I'm white & my 19month old daughter's father is black. At the hospital my mother who has blonde hair & green eyes went to the nursery to go get her grand daughter-they didnt check her bracelet & they brought her out a white baby with little blonde fuzz...my mother was offended & it hurt my feelings.

Erica - posted on 12/26/2008

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I agree with Noriko that you have to talk about the different cultural aspects (but that's true for a lot non-mixed households, too). For my daughter, she's going to be raised Christian like me, but my husband still wants her to go to Chinese school (even though he hated it!). You have to figure out what's most important from each of you to figure out how to raise the child.

Carolyn - posted on 12/24/2008

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This doesn't have anything to do with black/white...but my mother in law told me to put rice cereal in the formula, and it would help them sleep better at night. That was true, however, it wasn't until I was nursing school that I found out why the doctors tell you not to start cereal until ??? Infants don't have enzymes to digest the cereal and as a result you get really chunky healthy looking cute babies. Mine were all chunky and healthy looking, but my instructor told me it was because they lacked those enzymes. Anyway, my babies are 23,21 and 17 now and it hasn't had any effect on their growing up. Just thought it was interesting.

Noriko - posted on 12/24/2008

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Congrats on your baby! My son is half Japanese and half Mexican/Argentinian mix. He's a BIG boy (takes after his dad) so I get a lot of comments about how big he is and how he'll outgrow me by the time he's 2. :) But I enjoy all of that! Regardless of what anyone says, you love your daughter (you're having a girl, right?), so as long as you stay strong in your values, nobody else will have anything to say. I think that it is important to make sure you've talked it over with the father the underlining values and any cultural differences. My husband is totally supportive of the fact that I intend to talk Japanese to my son, and introduce Japanese traditions as he grows up. BTW, I think mixed kids are the cutest!

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