Need advise stepson (black/white) his grandmother is telling him he is white

Cindy - posted on 02/17/2009

SOMETIMES WE JUST HAVE TO LET THE KIDS WORK THINGS OUT FOR THEMSELVES. MY SON HAS ALWAYS KNOWN HE IS BI-RACIAL, BUT CHOOSES TO BE JUST HIMSELF. FOR THE MOST PART, GROWING UP, HE WAS TOTALLY ACCEPTED AS JUST BEING HIMSELF, NOT BLACK, NOT WHITE. THIS MAY BE JUST LIKE THE "SEX TALK". HE WILL ASK WHEN HE HAS QUESTIONS, AND THEN YOU WILL KNOW THE RIGHT TIME TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO HIM. JUST HAVE TO DO IT WITHOUT TRANSFERRING ANY BAD FEELINGS TOWARD "GRANDMA". SHE EVIDENTLY DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO ACCEPT THE REALITY OF HER GRANDSON'S HERITAGES.

Michelle - posted on 02/13/2009

My grandson, Diego, is a beautiful little 18 month old boy that may or may not be confused later on in life. He is Hispanic/Caucasian on his moms side and Black from his dad's side. We just love him for himself and don't care what color he is. When he was first born, he looked like a Hispanic baby and started changing colors like a cameleon at first. Oddest thing I'd ever seen. He had straight hair and was a pretty brown color later on, but was rosey red and blotchy at first. Then, when he was around 6-7 months old the top of his hair started curling more like a black childs hair. After the top got all curly, then the sides and back started to curl. I thought it was an interesting process. We have had so many compliments on what a beautiful little boy he is and what a little flirt. So far he simply loves people in general and I hope and pray that that continues. We will teach him to treat others the way he would like to be treated and to pray for the people who feel the need to condemn others due to their own shortcomings or need to try to build themselves up.

Michelle - posted on 02/13/2009

My children are Hispanic and Caucasian mix. I was always told that according to the State they live in, they go by the fathers ethinicity, BUT, according to the Federal Government, they go by the mothers ethniticity. It's no wonder why children are so confused. I had a poem published on "Racism". May I share it with you?



RACISM



Racism has many faces, colors, and ways.

Often trying to make others' thinking sway.

Why is it necessary for this hurt and pain?

What is their reasoning? What is their gain?

Don't they know God made us all beautiful and unique?

Why don't they hush and open their eyes and take a peek?

All of us are individual and special as can be.

Can't they see all the love that God has for thee?

Like that of each separate type of flower

That He has made for us to enjoy.

When will they ever understand that this is not a ploy.

For each is glorious and colorful in its own special way.

But yet, when put together with others,

Makes a beautiful bouquet.



---Michelle Munoz---



My sister-in-law used to always make comments to me about "What if my third child was darker then my first two children?" I simply told her that I didn't care if he/she was purple, pink, black, white or polka dotted. They would still be flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood and I would love them irregardless of what color they were because in Gods eyes we're all his children. Life would be truly boring if we were all the same. In life, if people don't have something to complain about or judge for whatever the reason, they just don't seem to be happy alot of times. I think alot of it is due to ignorance. I used to get harassed for being tall, gangly and then later for being fat. People are always going to try to find faults with someone else to help build them us in some twisted way.

Anita - posted on 02/13/2009

I have one biracial daughter who grew up with 3 older siblings who are not. Her father decided not to be a part of her life from the moment of conception. So, I put white on her birth certificate and raised her the same as the others. I never hid anything from her and never downplayed the fact that she is half black. There seems to be this rule that you have to be called black if your mixed but, as I told my daughter, she is as much white as she is black so it's just a matter of preference, in my opinion,and both are something to be proud of. I actually have alot of Native American in me so what is 'white' anyway and what is 'mixed' anyway? Most Americans aren't pure anything. It really bugs me. I say, if you make it a big deal it will become a big deal. Just say with joy and approval,' You are white' when she says it because he is! Then with joy and acceptance let him know he's both. My daughter is turning 11 and is confident in her heritage. Don't make it an issue or something negative, celebrate it and he will too!

Lisa - posted on 02/12/2009

You have the opposite problem that I had with my son. His father and I are divorced. His father kept telling him he was going to turn black as he got older. He told him this when he was 4 and 5 and 6. It finally stopped, but I had to try to repair the damage. He is 15 now but he still has fears about being bi-racial. Recently he wrote an English paper about dating a white girl who didn't know he was bi-racial and when she found out she called him names, but in the end they stayed together, this told me that he has real fears. I have always tried to teach him to be proud of his heritage. The fact that we have a new President who is bi-racial is helping him to feel accepted. I tried not to focus on his skin color at all, but he is very light skinned so it isn;t obvoius to anyone except mixed race people and black people who recognize his other features. I do think that the mother in law needs to be spoken to for the child's sake. It is not right to make the child ashamed of being part black. Luckily my parents are not at all like that

Cassie - posted on 02/10/2009

I have two very different mixed children. Dad is black and i am white. My son has a beautiful olive skin, dark curly hair, and green eyes, and my daughter, from the same father, is like me, she is light skinned, blond and blue eyed. i teach them both they they are both black and white. my son too when he was little would get very upset when we would tease him and tell him he was black, he would say, "no i am brown... " because that is the color he saw on his own skin. We would just explain to him he is both, black and white... eventually as he grew up, he understood. The get the both of best worlds. they are very interested in both heritages and learns about both. My daughter is the same way. She gets the looks all the time when she calls her dad, daddy because he is black and here is a little so called "white girl" calling him dad, how could that be.... well my genes just happen to be stronger this time around. I get asked all the time if she is really his... how rude... but i answer with a smile and say yes, she is really his... Their love is unconditional. I would just sit your stepson down and explain it to him and keep explaining it to him. his both.... it is not fair to say he is not, teach him to be proud to be both.... I can honestly say, he will grow and as he grows he will understand, no matter what people say to him, just as long as he knows where he came from and understands where he came from that is all that matters... After all, we are all mixed in one way or another, aren't we....... i believe so....

Catherine - posted on 02/10/2009

I gave a heavy sigh when I read your post, and I really don't have any advice, I just have empathy. My mother certainly preferred when my son's (he is now 37yrs old) hair was very short and he didn't have a tan. (Ha Ha)

When I try to see from her perspective I see: She lived in a different era, a different world than us and needed him to not stand out too much. She loved him dearly and treated us as well as she could. BUT! Every year I gave her school photos of both my children - my daughter, from a later marriage, is blonde and blue eyed. Every time we visited I would see my sister's children - both adopted and natural, and my brother's children, photos displayed, Nieces and nephews and even neighbour's children, but not my children. Once when I had enough courage I asked why she didn't display my children's photos. She replied "You don't give me any." So I opened the drawer of her bureau and handed them to her with not a word,

Actually if I was you, I would not press the issue with either the child or his relatives. Expose him to lots of people with lots of heritages, cultures and backgrounds. Make sure he sees lots of pictures of President Barak Obama! Yea! Eventually he will notice his skin is similar to some others and different from some others, not quite like mommy or daddy. Hopefully you will build a world for him where it makes no difference at all - it is what is in the heart that is important.

I remember when my son went to a friends house to play. After his mom mentioned to me that her son didn't tell her that my son had brown skin. The child said - "Oh yea, I didn't notice."

That's all I can think of for now. All the best.