People think im not the mother~ does this happen to anyone else?

Uvette - posted on 02/08/2010 ( 53 moms have responded )

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My partner is Kenyan, i am very pale and our twin 4 month old daughtes are somewhere in between. 2 of my closest friends are a similar colouring to my babies and whenever we go out together people presume that they are the mothers. I know it shouldnt bother me and maybe its still the hormones but i get really upset and aggressive.

Does anyone else have this problem and what do you do to not get upset?

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Natasha - posted on 02/25/2010

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Well i have a very dark complextion and my husbands pretty fair my youngest daughter who is 3 shes pretty lite complected and has fine curly hair people always assume im not the mom what i do about it is let them know shes mine thats all i can do i used to get upset but she calls me mommy so they should put 2 and 2 together u know. Now my oldest she'll be 8 next month i had the same problem also but now that shes older she is still light but darker than when she was small and her hair is the more kinky color so people assume shes just light skinned and dont look twice. Either way girl forget them they yo babies and nothin can change that forget them.

Terri - posted on 02/25/2010

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My daughter is now 11 years old. Her father is white, and I am black. She is very bright light skinned compared to my more caramel color. From the time she was born, no one believed she was my daughter. I remember once I had taken my mom to a Bingo game and brought the baby in with me. The women there all oohed and ahhed and then asked my mom if I was babysitting. My mom decided to have some fun with the old ladies and said "yeah, she's just the nanny." The fun changed when one of the old women said "yeah, I thought so. She is so pretty and that gorgeous skin." My mom, fuming said, "no, really, that is my grandbaby and this is my daughter. No, she is not adopted, she just had her two months ago". The sad thing is you will have to develop a very thick skin. It DOES NOT get any easier as the kids get older. You can correct the comments, ignore them, or get angry at them. Chances are, it will not change, and you will only hurt yourself, and maybe your children in the long run. Good luck my friend!

[deleted account]

The father of my 4 children is Japanese. Someone told my sister once that it was wonderful of me to "adopt" all four of them. She then explained that I gave birth to them. My children have also had surprised reactions from their friends when they first meet me. I think that as bi-racial couples become more common (and they are) that people will think twice before assuming that our children aren't biologically ours.

Lisa - posted on 02/22/2010

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Yes, I get that often. Infact one of best friends is bi-racial and she has a son by a white guy...I'm white and have a son by a black guy. My son is darker than her son is, so whenever we take the babies out together people assume she is the mother to my son and I'm the mother to her son. Or If I take him out by myself I get asked if he is adopted. I try not to let it bother me,sometimes it does.

Andrea - posted on 02/22/2010

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I have the same problem. My baby's father is white and I am black/mexican
most people don't say anything but I can sometimes tell they are wondering because how they look at me and my daughter. I use to let it upset me but not so much anymore some people are always gonna be rude so I just learned to ignore them.

Your babies are precious :)

Keeshea - posted on 02/22/2010

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Yes, people do not think that my child is mine. Nor do they believe that my husband is the father of our son. But it's all good. People are ignorant! Don't worry about it.

Josephine - posted on 02/22/2010

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this happens all the time you know they are yours so who cares what other people say after all we all know the world we are living in

Dana Kelli - posted on 02/21/2010

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All three of my boys are bi-racial, Black/Caucasian and each one of them look different, have different skin tones and different color eyes and hair.

Each time someone stupid inquires about my children, their paternity...etc. I simply smile and tell them...they have the best of both worlds without the ignorance.

When my now 19 year old son was in the 4th grade a mother going on a field trip with him asked my son, what "color" are you. My son looked at his arm and looked back at this woman and said "tan", What color are you?

Children take things so lightly...you should too.

Wendy - posted on 02/19/2010

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It happen to me my kids looks just like my husband blue eyes and white.People look back and not sure if im the mother .One time got very upset of some remarks.I was told if I was the sitter.My answer was do u want to take at look at my strecth marks.? Now it dont bother me anymore too many ignorants in the world.

Lynette - posted on 02/19/2010

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My husband is hispanic and I'm caucasian. Our daughter's complexion is like that of her father's whereas our son's complexion is like mine. Once, I took my kids to my friend's son's b-day party. My friend's sister asked my friend if my daughter was adopted. I laughed when I heard this. My husband even said to me several times before about how he would take our kids with him to a store and people would look at him and then look at our kids and then look back at him. We learned to ignore the looks and the remarks.

Summer - posted on 02/18/2010

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Wow, I can't beleive people still do that this day and age. I have a seven year old and a 9 month old and no one has done that to me yet... maybe they just wondered to themselves and didn't have the nerve to ask.

Shenilla - posted on 02/18/2010

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don't get upset they are just in a small box.that happens to me a lot and you are sensitive because you are like i went through all this to get them here and i am dismissed!! i have two children..i am brown and mixed their father is pale and mixed and my kids take after their dad complexion and have my features but the first thing ppl notice is their skin..so they asked i have been asked if i was the mother on several occasions and it is frustrating..but you know who their mother is so don't let it get to ya....

Kristina - posted on 02/18/2010

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I have 7 kids all half mexican. I was asked once if I was aloud to adopt that many. Then i was asked if I was the step mom and even once a lady stood and argued with me about how many were really mine, I told her lady all of them went through this body, 20 minutes later we finally just walked away. Some people just can't seem to keep there opinion to themselves. your little girls are gorgeous.

Chelsea - posted on 02/18/2010

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My daughter is 14 and I still get the looks. It has gotten better or I might just be blocking it out. People are ignorant so why put any energy into it!? I get it from all types of people. I just laugh at it now and shrug it off. My daughter looks nothing like me so I know the wheels are turning in their heads. Oh well...I figure it's their problem, not mine.

Alexis - posted on 02/17/2010

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I had that prolbem before.I actually found it funny. My uncle girlfriend who i meet for the first time asked me (while i was holding my daughter,who is puerto rican and black with white skin) "When is her mother gona pick her up". I didnt get offended i kind laugh. But i guess i would feel different if it were a stranger.

Brandy - posted on 02/15/2010

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YES!!!!!!!!!!...I can't stand when people come up to me to ask me who's baby am I babysitting....I am hispanic and my husband is black and my 2 oldest kids have a caramel color skin and my baby is darker....sometimes i just go along with it just for the fun of it!!!!!

Charity - posted on 02/15/2010

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No one thinks my kids are mine they think Im the babysitter when were out shopping..my husband is hispanic and im white with blond hair..my kids look full mexican..I think its funny and so do the kids :) my son who is 14 brings me over to his friends at his sporting events and Introduces me to them and there eyes get really big and they alway say "Thats your mom"! you will get use to it..I just learned to laugh..I love my kids and they love me and thats all that matters :) :)

Carlen - posted on 02/15/2010

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It happens to me all the time. I'm black and my hubby's white. People often assume the kids are his and he is just a single parent, if we are out together. As far as taking it personally, don't. People are stupid and assumptions are just going to be part of being in a bi-racial family. Speak up, when someone makes that assumption and calmly tell them their your babies, if they pursue the question through absolute ignorance then you can always humble the offender by asking them why would they make such an assumption.

[deleted account]

My son will be 19 in May and up to this day, we get stares and people mostly think he is my boyfriend!!! When he was small, people used to stare at him , his dad and me. Some of them people may or may not realize how rude they are. Next time say something like, Wow, hard to believe all the beautiful things God creates, dont't you agree??? LOL!!! Enjoy your beautiful babies!!!

Shonta - posted on 02/14/2010

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i get that too, one my kids is eight years old and i still get mad. the question that gets me really pissed off is "what are they mixed with?" as if my children are some kind of food product, my reply to that is "I don't know what mixed is, there are no cakes and food product around." i'm black and my daughters are black and mexican and boy do we get looked at.

Danielle - posted on 02/14/2010

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yes. I am black , my husband is white . well my daughter is very light and with fine hair. When she was a new born she was well to say white, i was confused with being the nanny, the baby sister , heck even once the maid. i was even asked what country did we adopt Madelyn from. I was fit to be tied and so upset. started no even answering these stupid questions when asked, it will get better. just tell these people ,yes these are your children.some people just don"t know any better.

Aicha - posted on 02/14/2010

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My daughter is half Moroccan and I am Ukrainian white in color the rudes thing someone has said to us is where's her mother this was while my husband was holding my daughter , my husband replied standing right beside me then the guy was rude enough to say she doesn't look like her mother and I replied well I'm sure she is my baby I pushed her out of me and she is beautiful she looks like her father and has my toes that shut the rude coworker up. Now that my daughter is a bit older you can see both her father and mothers features in her . My husband says she looks like me if I was Moroccan and she has nice red highlights that she got from me in her very beautiful curly hair

Uvette - posted on 02/14/2010

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Isnt it horrible that in todays multicultural world we still face this kind of racism? Before i started dating my partner and father of my children i was completely oblivious to it but since having the babies its all i seem to notice. Dont get me wrong, my children will be brought up to be proud of their mixed culture but it aweful that some people think its such a negitive thing. Becasue really its not.

Amy - posted on 02/14/2010

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This happens to me and My husband ALL the time. Three years ago we were blessed to adopted a beautiful baby boy who just happens to be bi-racial. His birthmom is white and his birth father is black. He is the mosy handsome boy ever but when my husband and I are both white and so is our girls. EVERTIME we go out to eat or shop, we get some kind of look or something. It doesn't usually bother us but I just don't want it to effect him when he starts to notice.

Mishel - posted on 02/13/2010

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it sux that we live in a society where ppl are still ignorant & harsh. contrary to other posts, white women are more likely to be called a babysitter to biracial children. I have been asked often if my children are "biologically" mine. I had the PA @ the drs office ask me "what do you no about the child's mother?" I told her that I was her mother & could tell her anything she wanted to no, then politely informed her that it was very rude & presumptuous to think I was nething but. I still get quite offended by it but I have to remind myself that some ppl just don't no ne better & luckily, for the most part, my 4 yr old is so outgoing that she warms the coldest heart b4 they have a chance to say nething other than, "she is beautiful!"

Tianna - posted on 02/12/2010

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People think im the nanny of my son all the time. It used to bother me alot but I just laugh at it now.....One time someone told me " I used to be a nanny"... I replied" really, I have never been a nanny."

Jaime - posted on 02/12/2010

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I haven't come across any comments about my kids not being mine (yet), but with my newest baby who is 8 weeks old, I'll be out and about at the mall etc and I get sooooo many people commenting on him ... the most popular comment I've found is *where does he get his colour from??*. Um well duh, definitely not me! LOL

Betty - posted on 02/12/2010

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Yes.. this happens to me all the time ... it makes me mad i am black and indiana and my chlidern father is white so i get all the time aww.. they are so cute are they yours... just because my childern are on the very light skinned complaxion.. just last week i took my daughter to the ER and the nurse asked me was i her mother .. i said yea ... i but i was thinking to my self i just took someone else child to ER to wait a couples of hours i have nothing else i want but sit in a hospital with a sick child who threw-up on me HELLO this is 2010 not the 1800s

Kathy - posted on 02/12/2010

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hi, it happens to me alot with my oldest daughter she 2 years old and it still happens from birth up i just ignorge them and has anyone been told the baby dont look like it's father my youngest daughter is half black and white and she dont have a mixed skin color she look more white then him.It makes me so mad that everyone even her father dont think it he's got a million baby's that look like her to by everyone

Terri - posted on 02/12/2010

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i am white, my husband blk. my oldest daughter is white but my other three children are mixed, and all look quite different. my 14 yr old is pretty dark complected w/ almost blk eyes and dark hair w/ red and golden highlights. her hair is the the texture of mine, very soft and fine, but is very wavy/curly, falling in beautiful ringlets. she has very strong features and most people usually think she's either hispanic, brazilian, or middle eastern. my 7 yr old son is much lighter complected, his eyes are very light brown, and his hair was blonde when he was born. now his hair is darker, but still just looks like a very dark blonde or light brown w/ blonde highlights. my 10 mo old baby is also pretty light complected but has very dark eyes and hair, which is kinkier and more coarse than her siblings. i've always had people comment on how beautiful my kids are, but i've really never had anyone say anything crazy or rude about them not being mine and i'm honestly not sure how i'd respond if someone did. if someone were simply asking if they were mine or something of that nature i think i would probably be pretty understanding of that question because i'm quite aware of the differences and how confusing it might be to others. my son and the baby have some of my features, such as my mouth and eyes...but for the most part they look nothing at all like me. as long as a person is asking the question out of innocent curiosity it wouldn't offend me. now...if someone actually said "why would u want blk kids?" i would definitely be offended and have something just as rude to say!! mostly i dont pay attention to other people when i'm out, so it's very likely that i get but don't see plenty of rude or confused looks. about the only thing thats really ever been said was this past summer. we were at an outdoor function when my daughter passed out from the heat. i was on the ground w/ her head in my lap when the MP's and medics came over to help. they all started looking around saying "where's her mother?!". i was actually a little shocked because that is honestly the first time i've ever had anyone say or ask that!

Annette - posted on 02/12/2010

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Oh my good there are other people out there like me. My son is a blone with hazel green eyes and no coloring that could indicate multi-racial. His father is half native american (ho-chunk) and half white but looks native...I'm who knows alittle this little that med-light skinned black woman...when my best buddy and I would be walking in walmart people would tell her how lovely her son was and she would say you mean her son...the look along after her statement...made me want to do unthinkable things.

Jocelyn - posted on 02/12/2010

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Oh my gosh. You know people can be cruel in their ignorance. But being a new mom of multi-cutured / bi-racial children, there are just some things that you are gonna have to learn. I was horrified by some of the down right racist things people would say. I was so shocked that people say these things, that I had no clue what to say back. But I have heard it all now, and just like me, with time you will have an arsenal of come backs that will leaving the ignorant feeling just that. So my advice is to be a duck....that is, let the comments roll off your back. The answers will come with time. My personal favorite is when I am asked if my children are adopted. I always answer with "Nope, grew them myself" Simple to the point and because you answer confidently, makes people feel stupid for asking the question. As for that lady asking you why you would have Black children, I would have probably answered either "Wait a minute, they're black? OMG I didn't know, thank you for pointing that out to me" or simply "I'm sorry, did you really....just ask me that question?" You have to emphasize "really" to get the point across that what they said was racist. You will learn young Jedi!

Kristina - posted on 02/11/2010

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I get that all the time. Then they ask if they are mixed and with what. It doesn't bother me, because I know they are my children and that's all that matters. What does bother me is the dirty looks I get.

Jamilia - posted on 02/11/2010

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yes honey all the time...they say whos kid do you got? i say mine they responed no reay..im like last time i checked she was mine...lol....just laugh it off...people are just stupid..your kids are beautiful..

Malene - posted on 02/11/2010

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Hello, beautifully Brave Soldiers of this new millennium!!! :) We are officially in the Age of Aquarius, the age of all things unconventional, progressive, humanist, and altruistic. So, it's not surprising to me that we (women and men of bi-racial relationships with children whose skin colors differ from ours) are at times being burdened with the random, ignorant statements of others. I, a dark brown-skinned African-American, was thoroughly appalled years ago when I was cursed out and accused of being a sellout while I was dating my soon-to-be husband, a pink-skinned Latin-American. Seriously, is there a "color-formula" for love? The ignorance continued when I took my daughter (light-brown skinned) to her first medical appointment and was accused of being the nanny. Come on, human race! :) Is it really that hard to imagine the amazing, infinite possibilities of chromosome combinations? Really?! :) Aw, I think that we, humans, sometimes ACT so alarmed at bi-racial situations out of fear: fear of change and fear of something new that we do not understand or can not control... or fear that we are something greater than fear itself. Deep within, I believe that the Universe planned this increase in bi-racial unions as one avenue in which we may develop more love for one another; that we may allow the Love that we are to effortlessly enjoy Its reflection in all others. Love is what we are innately searching for; that deep, sustaining force that transcends gender, race, color, nationality, physical features, sexual preference, occupation, economic status, religious affiliation, political views, and intellectualism.... When my daughter was approx. nine months old, an enlightening situation happened to me. My husband, daughter, and I went to a restaurant and were seated next to a family with one child. (The family appeared to be of the same race.) Their young daughter peered over the booth and asked me, "Is that your daughter?" I replied warmly, "Yes." She then asked, "How come she doesn't have the same skin like you?" Though her mother tried to silence her, right then and there, my heart melted. The innocence of this child's genuine question completely humbled me. In an instant, I felt myself open up to whatever the Universe/Spirit wanted me to say or do. Spirit led me to initiate a gentle teaching moment. I told the girl's mother, "It's ok. Your daughter has a valid question, and she's so brave to ask." Then, I slowly explained to the girl: "I am my daughter's mother, and this is her father. I have these eyes, this nose, these lips, and this textured hair. Her dad has those eyes, that nose, ..... When two people have a baby, the most amazing part is that you never know what you are going to get! That's the biggest gift! The baby comes out exactly the way he or she is supposed to be. The baby is perfect." :) Not only was the girl smiling, but her mother was smiling as well with a seemingly deeper understanding. From that moment, it was clear to me that I am an ambassador for change, a soldier for love. We, humans, are being called upon to help heal the consciousness of this planet. We are just beginning to grasp and implement the idea of humans BEING. Battles about race, physical features, nationality, what we have or don't have, etc. are all distractions from loving. :) I am now taking the responsibility of being in a bi-racial relationship (w/ husband & child) as one opportunity to give love and understanding to those who may come at me with the ignorance and fear of their egos. And, no, I do not plan on "preaching a sermon" to everyone. I believe that one or two sentences of explanation when necessary (with a smile) will suffice. :) I am learning that love is the only cure to eradicate ignorance, fear, and misunderstanding. And, the more that I forgive and love myself, the more courageous I feel to begin to forgive and love others. HAPPY LOVING! :)

Kelly - posted on 02/11/2010

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Most of the time the only thing grown ups will say is how cute they are. For me its the kids that usually look at me, ask "are you his/mommy" and when I say yes they look at both of us confused and move on

Wendy - posted on 02/11/2010

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My son is now 14, but when he was younger, I once had someone say, "If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing with that little boy?" (He is biracial and I am white). I kind of laughed and said, "He's mine!" I'm not sure people are always trying to be rude, they are just trying to make associations...make things fit into categories. It's how we understand...by making connections.

Even now, I do the same thing. I find myself staring at others, trying to make connections, but I'm not meaning to be critical or judgmental. I look because I am in the same situation. So, maybe sometimes the people who are staring are just figuring it out. You never know what could be going on in someone else's life! :)

The important thing is that we love our children! They are ours! :)

Catrina - posted on 02/11/2010

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Uvette that's worse! I would've been speechless too if someone has said something that racist to me too. You always think you'll have something clever to say in those instances, but people are so strange and alarming you don't.

Uvette - posted on 02/10/2010

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Caprice thats horrible.. people can be so horrible. A lady asked me a few weeks ago where the mother was so when i identified myself as the mother, she looked horrified and asked 'why on earth would you want black children?' the worst part was i couldnt even speak !

Caprice - posted on 02/10/2010

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I get this reply all the time! I'm Black American (dark caramel colored), my partner is Italian American and our daughter is closer to my partner's complexion (maybe a shade darker). Every time I go somewhere with her and tell people that she's my daughter, they always ask surprised. One lady asked me if I was sure that the hospital gave me the right baby! Then this guy was so shocked that he told me I was lying and said I must have stole her and joked about the cops are probably looking for me. I didn't know whether to snap on him or laugh it off...I was truly offended. Why is it that lighter skinned or white women with biracial babies never get scrutinized as much as darker skinned women with biracial babies? So crazy LOL!

Beth - posted on 02/10/2010

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It happens a lot here too... I adopted both of my daughters and will often get looked over if someone is looking for a parent for one of them. The other day at the mall, my daughters were playing a game and pretending they couldn't find me. (I was right behind them) . They were yelling "moooooomy, mooooommy, where are you?!?" Someone came up to them and asked them if they were lost (while looking around for a mom and looking straight through me). I just grinned at her and said "here I am!" and after a confused look from the stranger, we moved on... On one hand I'm glad she stopped them and asked them if they needed help. Yes, the game being played probably wasn't the best one in a mall... but the total "stare through you because you don't look like them, therefore they can't be yours" gets me sometimes...

Stephanie - posted on 02/10/2010

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I have that problem. im black and my husdand is latino. my 4 year old is very pale with green eyes and straight hair. people stop me and ask me where did i adopt him from. i just smile and say i had to push really hard for the green eyes. they get confused but it is fun to see the look on their face.

Pat - posted on 02/10/2010

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Complete strangers usually comment on how beautiful she is and have asked me "where did you get her" and I usually respond - straight out of my belly, she is all me and her father. They usually look confused but I tend to end the conversation there.

Nadia - posted on 02/10/2010

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This happens to me all the time! I'm Black and my 4yr old son Myles has blue eyes, blonde hair and has slightly darker skin than my Husband Matt who is White. I get asked if I'm baby sitting all the time... or people eyes bug out their head when they hear him call me mom in public. It use to bug me when he was a baby a lot that everyone thought he wasn't mine, but I got over it. When people ask me stupid questions, I come back with a answer that makes them feel stupid for asking that question in the first place. My son doesn't have to have same skin color, eyes, or hair like mine to know I'm his mom and that I love him... I love that he looks like a little version of the man I love. Don't let people get to you, you know your their mother and that was matters. I notice you start to get tough skin when you are in a biracial relationship or have biracial children... the love you have for your partner and children make you stronger and help the ignorant comments, stares, and questions role off your back!

Allison - posted on 02/10/2010

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yes this often happens to me too. . . i just play along and say i'm the babysitter. . . people are ignorant, and this way its easier than starting the 'whole discussion'

i used to have more difficulty convincing poeple my sons were boys. . . what a pretty girl people would say, no, it's a boy i would say. . . NO IT"S NOT they would say. . . this would piss me off to no end. . . like i'm the momma i would know. So I just said you wanna change the next pamper? it's not worth entering these petty conversations with people. Most are ignorant anyway and won't even listen to you.

Mariah - posted on 02/10/2010

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People assume that my 15 year old biracial sister is the mother of my biracial children, over their real caucasian mother. It used to bother me. Now she and I joke about it, sometimes loudly, so people will realize how ignorant they are.

Catrina - posted on 02/09/2010

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I would probably be upset if someone did this to me. I was afraid this would happen to me. So far it hasn't. My background is very diverse and my son's father is half black and half german, so my son is fair. He has gotten more color since he was born, but I'm waiting for someone to ask who's child he is. I've already gotten comments about how fair he is.

Nathalie - posted on 02/09/2010

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Well i got the same problem as you, I am from Seychelles and my partner is Italian. I'm mixed well not white not black in the middle . My son has green eyes, colored cheeks, brown hair reedish blond. When i step out with friends that have pale skin, that are white. People suggest that it's their kid. It use to botter me alot cuz alot of people are ignorant they never have the brain to think that a colored person could have a white child or that a white person could have a black child.... Don't worry and take it easy, your children knows who there mother is and who takes care of them. You should tell those people to go to hell and thing a before they presume.

Brandi - posted on 02/08/2010

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Yes!!! My girls friends are shocked when they find out I'm the mommy. I work at the school w/ my 2 lil ones and to see just the kids reactions. W/ my oldest the adults reply would always be "the daddy must be dark". I have learned to laugh at stupidity. Yea I wanted to fight in my 20s but I grew up.

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