Question for Black Women on Dating Interracially. White Women feel free to answer.

Nicky - posted on 02/26/2010 ( 34 moms have responded )

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Ladies I found this online article interesting. I wondered about what women already in these relationship thought about this subject. Many times on this blog I have found extremely offensive comments about black women being ghetto, hateful or angry. These are comments attributed to reasons why Black Men date White women. I personally have found these comments offensive considering many in my circle of friends who are in interracial relationships are successful educated women of color. Most BA's and Post Graduate degrees. If I were to make an observation based on comments on this board, it appears many white women are marrying what we would pass up on a normal day. This is not say another womens trash is someone else's gold. Just that many are looking not for a rich man but for someone that add to the quality/worth of who they have worked hard to become. (THIS IS NOT ALL WHITE WOMEN BY THE WAY) I am also not saying White men are better either. Simply dating outside has become a necessity when looking to broaden your horizons on the male population. Truth be told Black Women are much more successful than Brothas in todays world. However we can debate the socio-economic and socio-political reasons another day. In any case, I am curious as to your thoughts on the following statement...

Single black women with college degrees outnumber single black men with college degrees almost 3 to 1 in major urban areas such as Washington, according to a 2008 population survey by the U.S. Census Bureau. Given those numbers, any economist would advise them to start looking elsewhere. “Black women are in market failure,” says writer Karyn Langhorne Folan. “The solution is to find a new market for your commodity. And in this case, we are the commodity and the new market is men of other races.”

Folan is the author of “Don’t Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions That Keep Black Women From Dating Out,” published this month by Karen Hunter, an imprint of Pocket Books. In encouraging black women to date and marry interracially, the book has joined a broadening debate in recent years fueled by the blogosphere, the entertainment industry and comments by prominent African Americans. By promoting interracial love for some black women, Folan explains that she is not suggesting that there aren’t any good, single black men out there, or that every educated single black woman will not find an educated black mate. She is not bashing all black men or implying that all black women are aiming for the altar. The writer, mom and Harvard-educated lawyer says that she is just offering a reasonable solution to the shortage of available black men.


Brings new meaning to Nikki Howards "I'm in love with a new management"

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Sandra - posted on 02/16/2013

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there are just as many loser white men as there are loser black men, so just find a non loser and forget about looking for a specific ethnicity

Kasha - posted on 05/02/2010

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Lucinda, sounds like you are bitter or have poor experiences with black men. I'm a believer in "if you sleep with dogs you catch fleas". I fortunately have not had that experience. I simply married a white man because I fell in love with him. If you only date men who cheat, at some point one must ask themselves, "why do I pick men poorly". Has nothing to do with race, its psychological. Get a therapist. That comment was out of place.

I'm generally not rude but that comment needed a slap.

Pamela - posted on 05/20/2010

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I'm black, from va, and i was engaged to a black man, he is the father of my first born daughter, but he couldn't stop lying about anything and he drank to much, and then i married a white,german,italian man and had daughter, we are now divorced to much damaged goods there, i'm not married to him anymore, and recently met my new husband, he's puerto rican/ asian, what a mix, and we just had a son together, i never really looked at race, ive dated spanish, asian, black, white and it was personality that drew me not color, i look for the person who can have a conversation and is intelligent, not what color they are. Black men mistreat all colors actually, so do white and spanish, color really has nothing to do with it, if the apple is bad on the inside nothing is going to change it.

Annah - posted on 04/12/2010

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I being white for some reason have always dated black men, my daughter is half white half black however my grandparents who grew up back when race was more of an issue had a lot to say regarding me dating black men and having more black friends than white. I was never raised this way so I don't understand why they think people should stick to there own race. To me it doesnt matter however sometimes i feel like by dating black men people in the black community think that they are only using me because I am a white girl.. but on the other hand sometimes i feel like that to. My best friend is also black and its different how people respond to her dating a white guy then a white girl dating a black guy. All in all there are plenty of educated black men and women, I think that people need to look past race or we will never overcome racism because it does still exist.

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Jack - posted on 01/27/2014

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If you date someone online, then you must choose the best site ever. For example, I came across this site called www dot freeinterracialdating dot info and it was unique with lot of members from across the world. The best idea is not to reveal the original names here, however on request you can be free to share. After all dating is not a sin.

Samantha - posted on 07/29/2013

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When I was single I looked at dating as an opportunity to cast a wide net. So I dated men of/from other religions, races, cultures, countries and learned that men are pretty much the same. I found myself noticing qualities of each person I dated, doing soul searching and being honest with myself about what was important and what was trivial.

My husbands qualities, interests, personality, intelligence, education, goals, work ethic, kindness, empathy and compassion were important. His race fell under the trivial category. 20 years of marriage and three kids later I am reminded every day that I made the right choice.

Folan's book is one perspective on "out dating" as it is now called. For another perspective on dating and marriage choices for Black women I would also suggest "Is Marriage for White People?: How the African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone" by Ralph Richard Banks.

I also just finished a wonderful book on biracial couples and multiracial families "According to Our Hearts: Rhinelander v. Rhinelander and the Law of the Multiracial Family " by Angela Onwuachi-Willig. The author examines this subject through the lens of legal expertise, using surveys, and from her perspective as a member of a multiracial family.

I personally would love to see the discussion of biracial couples and multiracial families move beyond the surface discussion of "out dating" to why the taboo exists in the first place and how we make room in our culture for interracial dating, marriage and multiracial families.

Lisalopez - posted on 07/24/2013

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:-) if your mate meet your standard past what your eyes see than follow your heart cause men (period) will expand the search to anything available ....

Tyakeia - posted on 03/12/2013

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Hmm... Interested articled. I've on,y dated three black men. For some reason, I was he er really attracted to them or have the same tastes in music, clothes, etc. my husband (9 years of marriage) is white, drives a truck and fishes like there's no tomorrow. He's very much a country boy. I remember once telling my mom that I would marry a white guy. I was the "odd" one in my family. No one was surprised I married a guy white guy.

Jessica - posted on 08/16/2011

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I think we should ignore race. people are people. look and see a person, not a race.

Xylina - posted on 06/19/2010

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I am a black women and i find great truth in what lucinda says. It's more of a cultural thing or i dunno the bad black men i must of been attracted to me lol because every single one of them didn't treat me right or respected me at all. But that don't mean all but lots are that way the next neighborhood over from mine is a black neighborhood and trust me many of these black men will howl at me like i am a peice of meat but at the same time hispanics do to and whites as well. I don't look at race when i date but now i am with my love who is half white and half mexican and i don't see myself with anyone else and if i am i would never turn a man away because of his race but i would have more guards up if he is black because my past experiences

Lucinda - posted on 05/27/2010

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Kasha that's where you're wrong i've never dated a black man but i've watched how they've treated women, from friends to relatives to people i dont know well e.t.c i've got four brothers and i hang out with them and their friends so trust me i know what i'm talking about, so my dear it's not a slap, you just didnt understand the concept of my understanding of what i was talking about.

Jessica - posted on 05/23/2010

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Jennifer it is wonderful that you have been with your husband 17 years! I know you are proud! I think in this thread a big point has been missed. Is race an issue? Absolutely. We shouldn't ignore that even in this day an age, there is a lot of hurt and suffering between races. Just based on some of the responses I have read here, there is a great misrepresentation among the caucasion and african american races. I won't lie when I say it slightly bothers me when, as a white woman, I am called a man stealer for being with my Dominican husband. This happened just today in a mall while my children were with me. A black woman decided to proclaim very loudly in the food court how she was so sick and tired of whitey women stealing their men. (so apparently men of ANY color are HER men?). Either way, her ignorance was embarrassing. I just had to look at her and explain to my children, loudly, that some people didn't get the opportunity to learn about other cultures.
It is very true in this area, that mostly WOMEN, not just a color, are in school and holding down the jobs. I see more women in my office for jobs than men, so the comment about Black (sic) women being more educated than Black (sic) men holds some levity. We are all in a position that we can change this by raising OUR children in a racially neutral way.
Ignorance will always breed more ignorance, but it is up to us as a modern society to change that. I know that when my beautiful children grow up, they will have none of the stigma on race that our current society still seems to possess. How about yours?

Jennifer - posted on 05/21/2010

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I'm an African-American woman from Louisiana, and my husband's a white farmboy (of Swedish/Irish decent) from New Mexico. We will be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary tomorrow. Before we met, I was an equal opportunity dater, it didn't matter what your skin tone was. If we clicked, we dated. When I met my hubby, I wasn't looking for love, but it just happened. My family already had some interracial couples in it, but his didn't. Lucky for us (and them), his family accepted me with open arms. It's never really been an issue. Aside from the color of our skin, we are really very similar, somewhat boring people. We have two beautiful girls, ages 10 and 8, and all of us have a lot of fun together. Having said all of that, however, there is something to be said for being with someone who shares the same ethnic background as you. There are times when I miss being with someone who would instantly understand things that my husband doesn't. But I wouldn't give up what I have with my husband for anything in the world.

Anderia - posted on 05/20/2010

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I also consider myself an educated black woman that is in a relationship with a white man. I don't feel like my boyfriend offers me anything a black man couldn't give me which only goes to say that our relationship is not strong based on the color of our skin but on what we bring to our relationship as individuals. Are we color blind? No. He recognizes that I am a black and I recognize that he is white do we make a big deal about it? No. He loves me and I love him. It's really just that simple.

Janessa - posted on 05/20/2010

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Great topic Nicky and i myself just never liked black men period. I never meet one that treat me or my mother with respect. I was adopted by a white women and a native and white men. I was never around blacks except the ones that were adopted. I am from Haiti i saw how my mom was always treated by my birth father he was never their for us or my mother. That is one of the reasons why my mom had to put us for adoption. I am just so sick of everyone making exuses for black men period. Their need to treat us black women with respect some of black women do not deserve it but majority of us black women duw deserve it and are always the one keeping the family together i am so sick and tired of black men putting us down all the time and will not stick by us when we need it or degret us in fron of other race of men. Black men always seem to say something negative about my skin color its to dark whatever at least i know am pure black because majority of haitians are not mix :). I just like the way all the white guys i dated treated me with respect and also i only have a couple black friends because every time i try being friends with blacks their always say i act white i just stop trying . That is the reason why our race will not get ahead in life. Also all the well educated black men do not want to date black girls i guess because after the 1960s their were allowed to date white girls without being killed and their went crazy. Other point i have to make how can black men treat black women like animals their are know different the the slave masters and is that how their treat their mothers that give birh to them? i have negative things to say about black men because not many are stepping up to the plate period.

Lori - posted on 05/20/2010

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I am white and have dated all kinds of men, I never thought about dating "outside" of my race I dated who I liked and fell in love with. I have been in 2 very long relationships one of 8 years to a light skinned black man, and my husband is dark skinned. I have gotten a bunch of flack form women saying your taking all our good black men, meaning the white women. I say I am not all women and you weren't around when he was single. we are all the same race the human race get over it people and learn to take care of each other as a whole.

Margaret - posted on 05/19/2010

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I come from a family of lost of inter racial dating. So to me and my family its normal. I'm white and my hubby is black. When we're out in the part of town i'm from we get looks mostly from older white couples who obviously dont approve of our relationship. When we would go shopping in the city where he lived(when we were dating) I was told alot to date my own kind. To go back to the country and to stick with white men. One of his moms friends on thanks giving was shocked that he would bring me home. She couldnt get over that he was dating a white woman. I've dated a wide variety of men and i just fell in love with him. He went to college has worked hard to provide for us. He is faithful and loving. I fell in love with his qualities and not his color. To me its not about the outside but the inside. I dont understand why some people cant see past this. And the comment that black men cheat I agree with Kasha. My man is faithful and always has been. Maybe you should raise your standards.

Janise - posted on 05/19/2010

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I am a college educated black woman working on her masters degree who is married to a white man. I've never had any bad experiences with black men. I've had relationships with men of different races, they were good relationships, but they didn't work. The one that did work just so happened to be with a white man. It's not something that I overly think about because I feel that we love who we love, regardless of who or what they are. That's something that my family has always believed, which is why when I did bring my husband home to meet them, no one batted an eyelash. Although his family (they're racist), were less then thrilled seeing as he's an only child and the only grandchild on both sides.

Lucinda - posted on 04/12/2010

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Black men cheat! they find it soooo hard to be faithful, they actually think it's their right to cheat ....urghh!!! and before anyone says it doesnt depend on the race go and do a proper research and you'd find the majority of cheaters are black men.

Tuenesha - posted on 03/29/2010

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I am a black woman and I am engaged to a white man. Actually I've never made love to a black man before. I know that's crazy but true. I live in Texas and all the black boys in school went after white or latino girls but never black girls. So one night my friend introduced me to a white guy who was really into me. I lost my virginity to him and every since then, I tend to date white men exsclusively. It's a personal choice I guess, and yes I do have a B.S. in Social Work, so that's an interesting theory you have. I became disillusioned with black men, by the snide remarks black women would receive, the looks of complete uninterest or just ignoring you all together when they approached you and a caucasian friend you were with. And to tell you the truth I get the most inquisitive looks from other black women!! As if they can't understand how I could be with any man othe than black men. I just look at them, and let them wonder, and imagine what my life is like. Because I have many choices and if they want to limit themselves, hey there's more for me! But black men, do get upset as well. Like they can't believe Im not fawning and being bitter because they don't want me. But I give them a look like, umm I don't want you either so you're safe, and they get an attitude like I think I'm too good. Now this isn't all black men, many love black men and only date within their ethnicity but that's changing all the time. Oh well I hope maybe in a thousand years we'll all be the same color and we can put it behind us....

Mauri - posted on 03/29/2010

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I went to a private school in NYC and ended up being the only "black" girl in my grade from seventh grade til graduation. I tried to date the boys in my school but was rejected 99% of the time (not sure if it was my weirdness or race). The white boys didn't return my affections, and mos of the few black boys in my school teased me pretty bad while dating the hispanic and white girls in my school. I did date a puerto rican who was in my grade, and a black guy two grades below me. Neither lasted more than a few weeks. The other boyfriends I had were neighborhood boys, mostly hispanic and black (I lived pretty far from my school). My first love was a black guy who went into the Army soon after we met. He treated me really nice, but the long distance relationship was impossible... Don't get me started on what the Army does to relationships...

Once in college, I found the same rejection from black guys. So I dated a mexican for two years. HIs family was welcoming, but I would overhear them talking about when this "negrita phase" would be over in Spanish (which they didn't know I had come to understand). I guess they had a heart attack when the girl he left me for (his best friend) was a black girl darker than me. When I broke up with him, I dated one black man who had serious mother issues. We dated for two years but broke up when I chose my current profession.

Then I met my wonderful boyfriend, who is Filipino. He is the first Asian guy I've dated and also the first one I feel fully accepted and adored by. With most Black guys I was put down either because I wasn't "black enough" due to being multicultural and going to private school or "too high maintenance" because I wouldn't deal with cheating. I'm not downing all brothas, but the ones I dealt with always seemed to try to tear me down to build up their self-esteem in one way or another.

Xandria - posted on 03/20/2010

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My family wasn't surprised when I married my husband. I had only ever been in two serious relationships both with white men and the second was my husband. It doesn't matter what color they are, my ex was a lying-cheating-no-good-s.o.b and he was white, men are men white or black, some are good, some are bad. I think I ended up with a my husband because I am from a south Georgia college town and here there are really only two places to meet black men and it's either in the church or in the club. I am not Christian and I don't go out to clubs either so that did limit my social interaction. I met my husband through friends and I have been happy ever since. We have a lot of the same interest, beliefs, and similiar childhoods and that to me is more important than sharing the same skin color. If I had found a black man who shared those qualities then I would have married him but i don't see the point of holding out for some possiblity of a man who may or may not come along when I had someon I loved and who loved me right there right then.

Tensa - posted on 03/19/2010

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I think that a lot of the things that the women here have said are all true on some level or another.. I consider myself an educated younger black woman who dated men of all races before I was married.I didn't put much thought into the race of the person. If I liked them, I got to know them better, no matter their color. My parents, like a couple of the other women, never said to me that dating out of my race was prohibited and actually knew that I did. The funny thing is when I brought my husband home to meet them, I think that they were still a little surprised. But, they excepted him and although our families are completely different both have been very supportive of us.

Stephanie - posted on 03/18/2010

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I guess I'd never really thought about this before. I'm white and live in Iowa which seems to be about 99% white people. I never thought that I'd find myself in a relationship with a black man. We met in college so he is actually an educated guy. He has a nice job, goals for himself, supportive of me, graduating in May and is a great father. I couldn't imagine a better man. There ARE good educated black men out there. Looking at my college classes though I have definitely seen more black women than I have black men so I can see the truth to this.

Nicole - posted on 03/18/2010

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I agree with Kim. As long as a person is being supplied with love and can be their true self with whoever they love then race should not be an issue. At then end of the day all that matters is that the person you choose to love is there for you and supports you.

Kim - posted on 03/17/2010

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Love is truly blind when it is truly love........
I think that in these times women of all colors deserve to be respected and loved for who they are and what they have acheived. I think Black women should seek true love without the pressures of feeling they need or must stay with a black man..other than truly wanting too. Black men are men at the end of the day and they will sleep with, havve children with and marry who they choose....men of all races are open to this idea so I think its a powerful testimony that Black women no longer feel slighted that they marry/date outside of their race. If they can obtain respect, love and maintain their true self with a man of any color, I think that in itself shows true strength.

Nicky - posted on 03/03/2010

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Shaquita, don't hold back the honesty. Not all are at a regressive state of mind. However, my experiences have shown similar findings. There is a total breakdown of respect and appreciation between black men and women these days. I could take this somewhere but I will leave our dirty laundry outside for now.

Shaquita - posted on 03/03/2010

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Well i was in several relationships with black men and they never progressed. I always felt like I wasnt enough for them. I AM CURRENTLY MARRIED TO A WHITE MAN AND I LOVE HIM..... he gave me what i needed and i supplied him with the same.....LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY

Kasha - posted on 03/01/2010

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Totally agree there Keeshea. I am total EOP. Before Pep dated Asian, I was all over it. lol. People should just date what appeals to their senses.

Trevisha - posted on 02/28/2010

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I grew up in a black neighborhood, but went to predominitly white schools. So I had tons of friends who were black and white. For some reason when my family met my husband they were not surprised that he was white although it was my first time dating outside of my race. And since he hasn't dated a white girl since high school, his family was not shocked that I was black. I think both families was justhappy that we were both finally settling down and giving them a grandbaby. I didn't go out looking to date a white man, he was introduced through a mutal friend, and we just kind of stuck to each other. We have not had any problems, that I know of, because of our differences in race. Being that he is in the navy, and we mostly travel in military communities, I think has probably made it a little easier, since the military is such a melting pot of races. I think women in general need to come up off this race stuff and get the best you can that is going to love you for life, I know I did.

ADRIENNE - posted on 02/27/2010

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My husband is white and I'm black. We have a seven year old daughter. Before my husband and I separated I used feel like my husband was embrassed of me because I was black. I consider myself an educated Black Woman too but even with my education, previous service in the Army it wasn't enough for my husband to be completely comfortable introducing me to people or taking me company functions.

Alesha - posted on 02/26/2010

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I consider myself an educated Black woman. My fiance, who is Puerto Rican, was my first interracial relationship. I did feel the stigma of the black community in which I was apart of to not bring home a white man. I never had any issues with race, there were white men that I was attracted and hooked up with on occasion, however I did feel as if my family would be somewhat disappointed if I were to marry a white man. Its actually funny now that I think of it because I was never directly told that it was wrong or that I couldn't date a white man, and considering how nonjudgmental my parents are I don't think they would have been disappointed at all, however it was almost like an unspoken rule that I felt plagued our black community. I felt as if a black women were a fantasy for many white men but I didn't think many of them would marry black woman so I stayed away from most white man because I didn't want to be used and thrown away like many black woman told me i would be. Now interracial relationships are so common and its such a beautiful thing. True love knows no color and has no boundaries. Everyone, not just black woman need to stop thinking about race and just fall in love, its such a good feeling to let go and no longer even see the one you love in a form of race, just your life partner. Im so happy I opened my options and found the love of my life, even if he was lighter than I expected HeHeHe.

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