Racist In-Laws

Janise - posted on 05/19/2010 ( 40 moms have responded )

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My husband's in-laws (his mother and grandmother in particular) are racist. I'm currently pregnant with my husband's first child, this will be his mom's first grandchild. Do grandchildren make racist in-laws easier to get along with? I always here "oh things will change once they take a look at their granddaughter", but is that being realistic?

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Bridgette - posted on 11/06/2012

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I have three bi-racial children. I have found that once the baby is here nothing else matters. I do suggest being careful as to what things are said around your child though. Sometimes I have to speak up in matters that make me uncomfortable and often times create an arguement, but I refuse to not be my childrens advocate. I also won't let racist comments slide because that is definitely the same as saying it's ok in my childrens minds. Hope that makes sense. Making sure your children have safe places to go to talk about their feelings and where they are loved unconditionally is the key when it comes to loving your children,

Candace - posted on 11/04/2012

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Every family is different. My husband's grandmother raised him and she did not like the fact that he was with a black girl, which he'd been dating black females since he was 18. She and I didn't have much of a relationship because of this and when I became pregnant with our son she tried to talk me into giving him up for adoption. My husband's mother and sisters all date black men and all of his sister have biracial children. One of his aunt is married to a black man and has a biracial daughter. She would tell my husband that the family is too mixed and she's rather have a child born that's not mixed. She saw my son for the first time when he was two months old and she fell in love with him! She even accepts our relationship now and we're a lot closer. She's like my mother in law since my husband does not have a relationship with his mom. Babies don't change all situations but they can change most!

Susan - posted on 06/01/2010

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I have in laws who say they arent racist but really are. I have a 6 month old who is my fiances moms only grandchild and still they dont like me. My fiance and I have been together 5 years and still his parents insist on talking to him about me in spanish. His girlfriend before me was also hispanic (I am white) so his mom even had her and her family at my baby shower which i threw for myself and didn't even bother to ask me. So on a day about me and my family I had to keep an eye on her because she was telling him to go run arrands to her empty house with her and she has tried to get him to cheat before. I am afraid to get married cuz his mom would probably invite them again and buy her a wedding dress to come in.

Christina - posted on 05/28/2010

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My husband's mother is (was?) racist as well. She wouldn't even come into our home if I was there, but now that her first grandchild has been born, things have completely turned around. She no problems talking with me and stopping by to see the baby. I want to say that things have changed, but who knows if underneath it all she stills dislikes me. But you cant let it bother you. Just go with the flow and hopefully, they will come to their senses.

Melissa - posted on 05/23/2010

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Hello I am also having a problem with racist in-laws. My fiance's parents, my 6 mth old's grandparents are racist. I am black and he is white. They have never even laid eyes on our new son because he is bi-racial.My fiance has another son from a previous marriage and with a white woman and his parents of course love him. My fiance has cut almost his entire family out of his life because of this. We have no contact with them. I just wish they would love and accept our son like they do his other son. It's just not fair. So in my situation it is not realist because they refuse to even look at or see him at all. they won't even try and he's their own flesh and blood. Hopefully you will have better luck, but I don't think things will ever change for me or my son.

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Anastasia - posted on 04/23/2014

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Hm, sorry to hear that. My situation was similar, except it wasn't my in-laws who were disapproving - it was my own parents. I grew in a small, 100.00% white village in St. Petersburg, Russia. Myself and I suspect every other resident in the village had never seen a black person. I never saw a black person in flesh until I was 18. I saw them on TV, of course and my parents made it pretty clear that I must stay away from anyone who looked "like that" (black) because they were "sub-human". Very old-fashioned.
Anyway, my parents were more than displeased when I revealed that my boyfriend and soon to be Father of my child (I got pregnant four months in) was indeed black. They told me to go away and never come back and that I was a disappointment to our whole family name, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway when my first was born, I informed them out of respect, even though I didn't have to. They came to the hospital. They bought gifts and flowers and expressed their apology to me ans my now husband. They fell in love with my son, whom I named Igor William and are great Grandparents to both my children. I think migrating to the US opened their mind. Living in 99.9% White nation for so long is bound to brainwash you, I suppose. Anyway, I forgive them.

I hope your in-laws can open their eyes and stop being so petty. That child is 25% them, regardless. All the best. :)

Brigitte - posted on 04/20/2014

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I thought the same thing until my husband's brother married a much-lighter-than-i-am. Watch their wedding and life unfold and I can tell you nothing has change. I am the mother of their first grandchild but am not as important as the mother of their -fairest- daughter in law. Just for you thin about... Hope you have a better outcome than I did.

Theresa - posted on 01/13/2014

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I have been married to the same person for 32 years. Inter-rational couple. Married their only Caucasian son. I had several run-ins with them. They express entitlement and arrougance due to I married their only son. They were polite at times, but always made me feel distant . I can count easily 15 times of arguments with the both of them. They want to be heard and understood. Just this weekend , she now being a widow at 90 , she makes a racist statement of her disapproval on her niece's husband , middle eastern .
"His mother from LYbia does not have the knowledge of OUR western world medicine. " Shes not intelligent ! I SAID WHAT ???? Pure racism. She didn't get away with it. I put her in her place, diplomatically . Kept my composure , but spelt it out to her. That I will not tolerate such remarks . . Its always been that she is entitled to behave the way she wants. Had to remind her to be careful when shes generously behaving inappropriate.

Melinda - posted on 11/05/2012

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I did told my estrange husband's Cacausian mother that I was pregnant. She did not approved us. She told her son, (my estranged-husband) that she never consider him her son. She told him that he is a nobody. It is so sad. She is not being realistic. She is plain ignorant.

Melinda - posted on 11/05/2012

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I know exactly how you feel. I come from a multi-racial family. My estranged husband is bi-racial. He has an African-American father and a Cacausian mother, neither of them don't care for my son. They treated him like he never exist. It is bad enough for his white grandmother to call him an "n" word; it is worse raising a child with Asperger-Spectrum. No it not okay, if your racist family keeps on treating you and your child like that. You child does not need to be around them, you cannot change racist grandparents. That is their lost. You and your family need to stand up to them, if they don't agree, leave them alone. You cannot change them.

OMOLARA - posted on 10/18/2012

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As a biracial woman(I do dislike this term......are we not all of one race, the HUMAN race?) I have experienced the love of my caucasian nana as one of the most unconditional loves that I have ever had.

I know that she loved me just because I was me.She was a wonderful woman full of love and gentleness.

I have also experienced your situation ,as a woman married to a caucasian man, and mother of 3 sons.

My sons vary in "hue", and the attention they receive varied due to this(the dark ones get no attention, the light ones are more accepted.Of course this was unacceptable to me, so basically all contact was cut off.

My now EX husband (surprised?) claimed that I was being too sensitive ,as his parents were from a small town and were not used to black people.

I always felt that this was ridiculous, and wanted to sheild my children from this hurtful behavior.

I am talking about my sons receiving a small insignificant gift for Christmas, while their fully white grandchidren recieved numerous gifts, AS WE ALL SHARED CHRISTMAS TOGETHER AND MY SONS WERE VISIBLY HURT AND CONFUSED, asking, "Is she my gramma too?Are you sure?'

Ipray that your experience is a wonderful one, as I have heard cases of grandparents melting when they meet their grandbabies.

As for my sons, they are 24, 22, and 21, and currently have very little contact with , in their words"the strangers"

Janise - posted on 07/10/2012

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Our family situations are very similar. I am currently pregnant with our second child, and I have two from a previous relationship. The in law situation is hard to comment on because that OS different for me. My husband's mother has never seen or held our almost two year old daughter. I think she likes to pretend that we don't exist. His maternal grandmother is the same way. The only person who has had some interaction with our child is his father, but only when the wife isn't around. I think in a sense my husband is lucky because he is an only child, and he's the only grandchild. They don't want to alienate him, so they keep their opinions of me to themselves.

If you guys have had enough, lay down the law. Set limits for things that you will no longer tolerate. That's what I had to do. Having a family is hard enough, hell, marriage is hard enough without the added stress of dealing with crazy in laws. I don't worry about what his family thinks or doesn't think of me and my kids. I have a rule, you either deal with all of my children or you don't deal with any of them. If she can't treat them all like family, then she shouldn't be around any of your kids. I did the same thing, and luckily, I have awesome parents, awesome former in laws, and friends whose parents love my children, that my kids don't even notice the absence of my husband's parents.

Naomi - posted on 07/06/2012

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I am a black woman my husband is white and his family is racist but they don't care to admit it. My husband and I have 2 children together and I have two children from a previous relationship. At first things were cool before we had kids together. My husband's mom would always tell my boys she was their grandma now.. Then after our 1st child came she started telling my husband that she should not have to take my boys when she wanted to take her new grandson and my husband who is essentially a mommas boy listened to her and tried to explain to me that she had a right to feel that way, so I would let it go and not worry about it. The more I let go the more boulder she became even to the point where she told her son my kids were not his so he shouldnt have to bring them to her home or anything she felt like saying because she knew my husband would back her... It got so bad I started to feel like I had made the wrong decision to marry him, and I didnt want to be married to someone who would treat my boys that way so I moved out.. This forced my husband to reevaluate what he wanted and if he really was going to let his mom ruin his marriage. We are in the process of working through things now but only after he agreed to stand up for our family. Now that he has done that his mom is starting to pretty much do the same things she's done to me with his own sister (which is a whole other story). which is making my husband feel like we are inferior to his little sister, For now my husband states he is done dealing with his family but they always find their way back into our lives to bring drama and we have had enough.. any advise??

Janise - posted on 06/18/2010

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Well my husband has decided that he will be telling his parents about the baby next week. He decided that they can either accept us and the family that we have made, or they can never talk to him again. I'm very worried for him. His parents mean the world to him, and by next week, they may never talk to him again. I just hope it goes well.

Chantelle - posted on 06/02/2010

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my father is racist and has held his half aboriganal grandson once and hasn't seen him in four months so this isn't always true but they maybe differant i am differant from my family i was brought up in a racist household and i have fallen in love and i am going to spend the rest of my life with an aboriganal man and couldn't be any happier i don't talk to my father any more because of his racist comments about my fiancee and my son so if they are racist about you they are most likely going to be racist about your daughter especially if she has a deeper skin complecsion then what they would like i don't know why skin coulor automatically changes a person from good to bad whats going through these peoples heads i don't know but i hope that they wake up to themselves and get over it i honestly would put them in their place and put them on the spot and ask them why does your skin colour put you in a differant catuguouy then them what makes them so great put them on the spot and if that doesn't work stop having anything to do with them they need to get past your race before your baby is born put the ball in their court and take controll of the situation you and your babies are beautiful no matter your skin colour and make that clear to them

Christa - posted on 06/01/2010

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i had the same experience except it was my family that was racist. nobody in my family has even dated outside of our Mexican race, although I have only dated white guys. when my grandmother found out that I was pregnant (also unwed), she was more upset about the fact that I was going to have a "mutt baby" than I was going to be an unwed mother or I was even pregnant at all. the entire time during my pregnancy she would openly express her disapproval of me continuing with the pregnancy of a "mutt". she kept telling me that it would be better to abort it than to have a mixed child. even after my daughter was born, she kept saying how she didn't want anything to do with a mutt and it would be better to drown "it". the moment she saw her though, that was her "Annie" and she denied ever saying any of that. trust me, when they see their grandchild, they will forget about color and just be happy to be granparents. if my family accepted my choice to go outside my race, I'm sure your in-laws will accept your beautiful baby at first sight. I never believed it before, but mixed babies are the most beautiful babies ever. our oldest daughter, has dark hair, light skin and big green, stunning eyes. our youngest has dark hair, medium skin and hazel eyes. absolutely beyond gorgeous!

Siobhan - posted on 06/01/2010

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I have the same problem with my Mother- in law she has never liked me due to my race. we have a 16month old son and one on the way but she still wont give me a chance to show her that I'm a good person. she wants to see my son and husband as long as I'm not there and my son is okay cuz he looks white. so it didn't change for me but I hope it works out for you

Brianne - posted on 05/31/2010

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My family was against my relationship with my fiance. They refused to talk to me, see me, anything when I told them I was dating a black man. We battled for 2 years about it. When I told them I was pregnant they told me they wanted nothing to do with me, my fiance, or baby. I went through the first 6 months of pregnancy speaking to only 1 of my sisters on a regular basis. Around 7 months my father invited me to his house and on that day my mother then told me she wanted to be there with me when the baby was born! They have been there for me every day since then. The love my son more than anything. He is not treated any different than the other grandchildren. My parents love him to pieces. They have grown to accept and love my fiance as well! He fits in perfectly with our family! I wish you the best of luck!

If things do not change ... just remember that your baby is loved by you and your husband. And your in-laws are missing out on one of the best things they could have in their lives!

Janise - posted on 05/31/2010

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Thank you all for all of the kind words and the advice. I'm from New York, and living in Texas now, this type of situation is new to me. I have stopped worrying about will or won't happen when it comes to my in-laws. The most important this is that I'm having a baby, and my husband, my kids, and my family are all excited. My husband does not want his family to be a part of our daughter's life, as well as my children, who he considers his own. He's said that when they turn 18, if they want to seek his family out, they can. And I have decided to support him in this, I will also support him if he has a change of heart and wants to let them in our lives as well.

Melanie - posted on 05/31/2010

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I'm not with my daughter's father, but when I told my parents I was pregnant, the first question they asked was "Is it Black?" They say they aren't racist, but seem to have a problem with any Black man I try to talk to. Needless to say, I was worried how they would handle it since I knew how they truly felt about interracial dating, but once the news wore in they became warmer and when I gave birth to my daughter it was love at first sight for everyone. Your child is part of their blood and regardless of how the child will appear there will be an acceptance that can't be denied because that is their blood. It's fair to say my parents are practically obsessed with my daughter and little do your mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law know, they will fall more in love with your child than they would even expect! Good luck with everything and I can say that it is realistic to believe that things can and will change! If they do not change then you will know what to do and what is best for your baby!

Tara - posted on 05/28/2010

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Every person is different. In my situation, it is my family that is racist. I feel in love and am so happy, we decided to start a family. By this time my family had stopped talking to me but I didn't really let it bother me. So we went ahead and started our family. I was so excited, I always sent my family a message after every doctor appointment to let them know the baby was doing well. I never received a message back, but I continued to keep them updated. Everyone always told me that after I had my son that they would change and everything would be ok, but that wasn't the case. I now have 2 children, 2 and 1, and it's been 3 years since my family has talked to me, they've never met my children, they've never spoke to my children on the phone, I never got so much as a congrats. My family has never met my husband either. I've always been the odd ball I guess in my family, because I was always the one that wasn't racist. I see everyone as the same. I've finally said my good byes to them after I made a 8 hour trip to see them and let them meet my family for the first time and they wouldn't even answer the phone! So we left the next day and I told them good bye forever. It hurt at first, but I've accepted that my family and I are better off without them in our lives. We don't need the negativity or stress. They are family and nothing can change that, but they will be the ones who end up regretting that they've "disowned" us from their family and lives. I've got my family and happiness, I'm not the one missing out. So don't let it bother you too much. If they can't accept the fact that you 2 are in love and are starting a family, then you don't need them! Racism makes no sense. So just live life and be happy! Never let anyone bring you down!

Amber - posted on 05/26/2010

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My mom-in-law isn't racist but strongly dislikes me. Once I had my daughter she realized that she had to be nice if she wanted to see her grand baby. I know she talks about me, but she is at least decent to my face and based on past experiences, I will take it. Just take small steps and let them respond how they want to.

Caroline - posted on 05/26/2010

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Thank you for your kind wishes. I think your husband's and your attitudes are the best. The most important thing is the kids. I have told our other son who is 13 since he was little that if he wants to look them up when he is old enough to handle it that is fine but we think it is best not to see them until then.

Janise - posted on 05/26/2010

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I'm really sorry for your loss Caroline. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I do thank you all for the advice though. It has been greatly appreciated. I had a long talk with my husband about the issue on Monday, and his opinion is that we keep our daughter and any other children we choose to have away from his family. He thinks that while they may not directly set out to be hurtful to her, they would be. Also his mother will never act civil towards me, and he doesn't want our children to watch their grandmother be disrespectful towards their mother. So we have both agreed that keeping our distance from them is in their best interest. Our priority is to protect our kids, and being around his family kid potentially be hurtful.

Cheryl - posted on 05/26/2010

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I find it varies from person to person. It would be unfortunate for them if they don't change their thinking. They will miss out on so much joy a child can bring. My mom was worried about how she would feel before my first was born. She never considered herself to be racist, but when I married a black man it was hard for her at first. She learned to accept people for who they are not their skin color. She loves both of my children (who are both grown adults) now. If parents love their children, they will learn to accept the choices that they make in life.

I always think of it this way "You can pick your friends not your family"

If you and your husband are happy don't let narrow minded people ruin what you have.
I wish you all the best. Good luck with your baby.

Caroline - posted on 05/26/2010

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That is not realistic. My husband's parents are racist and when our youngest son contracted leukemia they acted like they didn't care so my husband has not spoken to them since. They have no idea that our child passed away and I don't think they would care if they did. Some things just don't change.

Lauren - posted on 05/25/2010

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I have an in-law that is racist. My Father in law loves his grandson to death but you can still see a little bit of hesitation in him. I personally do not talk to him just because we have a lot of disagreements. He has always mentioned my race to my husband but never to my face ( I am a child from a interracial couple who also experienced from the grandchild point of view the racism). What I have learned is yes it can make things easier but I know for me I have never looked at it in a positive way. Things do change though because most people can look past color. I look at it this way...The 2 most important people in that child's life are you and your husband. Everyone else can choose to be a part of it or not. If they do...Then that is wonderful and maybe they can learn to accept the WHOLE family. I hope this is what happens for you!

Manige - posted on 05/24/2010

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I don't know if it will or will not make things easier, but if it doesn't it's your job to protect your baby from these people, not keep trying to make them change their mind.

Marla - posted on 05/24/2010

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Well maybe it's a good thing that they don't know that you are pregnant because you don't need the stress and the headache. You want to be able to enjoy your pregnancy and concentrate on making sure you and your baby are healthy. When you baby is born send them an announcement with a photo of your family and the baby, and then leave it up to them to make a move. If their move is to call and they want to see the baby. Fine but if they disrespect while in your home you politely ask them to leave and cut all tides and that will be that. Then if they don't call or try to see the baby you have your answer. No matter what, it's their problem and their lost. Try to forget about it and live life and be happy because life is too damn short to waste it on people who don't want to change.

Janise - posted on 05/23/2010

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He hates their attitude towards me, but he can't change the way they feel, he's been trying for four years now. He doesn't think that our baby will change anything, and he thinks that his mother and grandmother will act inappropriately towards our daughter. So as of now his family does not know that I am pregnant. He doesn't want them to have anything to do with her. Which I understand how he feels, but I do feel a little bad since this would be his mom's first grandchild.

Marla - posted on 05/23/2010

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I hope things change for you but there is no guarantee that they will. They could accept the baby and still dislike you. You have to wait and see. What does your husband think of his mother's and grandmother's attitude and perception of you??

Keshia - posted on 05/22/2010

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Wow, that's a tough question. It can go both ways. I am sure they will adore the child. They may make the effort with you, since you are the child mother and could restrict their visiting if you really want to. My child if half black and half Mexican. HIs parent really don't talk to me. He dad make a little more efforts, but his mom not so much. My daughter will be 3 months. my husband is deployed and I have only talked to them once or twice since she has ben born. They usually as my sister in law how the baby is or if they want pictures they go through her and then she calls or texts me. For some reason they are backing out of their visit in June, so who knows when they will see her. I hope you will have a better relationship with them. Good luck

BB - posted on 05/22/2010

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Sometimes a child can make racist in-laws easier to get along with but sometimes no.My husbands family respects and loves our family with the exception of his mother.Way before we had kids or were married....she used to talk to me on the phone and we got along great.Until he brought me to visit her in person.....and what race I am was never brought up on the phone.As soon as I got out of the car her jaw dropped, I went to hug her because we've been talking on the phone for quite along time. She wouldn't hug me, or talk to me or even let me stay in her house.She doesn't let white people in her house....EVER!Turns out, she thinks race mixing is disgusting and evil. Our daughter is 2 her grandma refuses to hold her,to call her even for holidays and her birthday....not even a card.We're expecting another daughter in july, she hasn't acknowledged this baby either....she flat out refuses to see them.My husband doesnt speak to her anymore.....it's sad but thats the way it is sometimes.My family loves and spoils them so at least she still has people who love her, plus the rest of his family doesn't care, they call and we bring our kids for visits to see them, but some people will be okay with mixed families some just can't deal with it...Oh well their loss.

Tyneisha - posted on 05/21/2010

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It really depends on whether they are racist or prejudice. If they are racist, then just stay away from them. U don't owe them anything. I know that's ur hubby's family, but you have to keep your child's best interests first. If they are prejudice, just be patience, how you conduct yourself and their love for their grandchild will eradicate those views and color won't even be an issue

Jennifer - posted on 05/20/2010

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Children do change things A LOT. The relationship between you and his mother and grandmother may or may not get that much better. I mean you 3 may not be shopping buddies after you have the baby or anything. LOL But they will prob treat that baby girl like gold! Plus the joys of child breaks the tension up in any room. :) My husband's aunts do not like me because I am white (my hubby is black). But they do respect me and love my boys! Congrats on the pregnancy!

Juliana - posted on 05/20/2010

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Things usually change once your little one is born. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my dad told me that he couldnt believe that I was doing that to his family. He doesnt believe in interracial relationships. But the moment he met her, she had him wrapped around her little finger. It was amazing. I still believe that he is racist but not against her. But now he just doesnt say anything.

Jayne - posted on 05/19/2010

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my dad is racist. not in an aggressive way but he used to make jokes about my ex all the time (oh its dark, didnt see you...etc)
now he's making jokes about sending my daughter to the cotton farms...
but when he sees he's upsetting me he always apologises and says just joking

anyways but he really does adore her, he talks to her ALL the time and even picks her up for cuddles if she's upset and im busy (showering etc) (this is a man who didn't pick up his other (white) granddaughter until she was about 6mo old, and even then was a bit awkward about it)

just ignore them, im pretty sure they will come around when your bub is born. if not then it's their loss.
your baby doesnt need anyone in their life who doesnt love them wholeheartedly

Kim - posted on 05/19/2010

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I don't like to call my parents racist, but they are definitely against interracial marriage. My dad actually said that when we announced our engagement. (I am white, my husband is Hispanic.) They are totally accepting and loving towards my son, though. Now it's more about cultural issues, like teaching him Spanish and English at the same time. Probably every family will react differently. I hope that everything works out well for you and your baby!

Amber - posted on 05/19/2010

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Hi Janise, I had that same problem with my dad. He didn't like that fact that i dated men that were not white. We use to fight all the time! Well when i found out i was pregnant with my daughter i was scared to tell him bcuz i was not only 18 but i was also pregnant by my boyfriend at the time who was black. Anyway he found out was really upset at me mostly for getting pregnant that young but after a couple of months he warmed up to it and now my daughter is going on a year old and she adores her "pap" and he adores her! He still isn't 100% ok with it but he has come around and is looking at things different cuz he knows his granddaughter is mixed and there is no way he would ever want to disrespect her cuz of her color!

Anyway i'm sure once the baby comes along they will most likely take to the baby and love it regardless of what color he/she is. The way they feel about your marriage to their son may or may not change but people tend to open up their eyes more when the situation is different! I hope i helped or atleast made you feel better. Goodluck and congratulations on the baby!!

Alesha - posted on 05/19/2010

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will it make it easier to get along with them im not sure, but i know many people and also myself where there was racism involved and once the baby came color wasnt an issue and their views changed as well...in the end i think everything will be fine, good luck to you and your family.

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