The big secret....and fear of disappointing your parents.

Carolyn - posted on 01/26/2009 ( 20 moms have responded )

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When I was 19, I became pregnant with my son. My parents had already told me their feelings about interracial dating....I never was brought up not to judge people by their skin, and it wasn't until they found out my boyfriend was black that they told me "It's okay to have black friends, but not date them" (that was my father)..

Of course I did what I wanted because I had my own apartment with three friends from high school. When I found out I was pregnant, even though I was "AN ADULT (yeah right), our apartment living fell apart, and I had to move home.

I stayed away from the house as much as possible, and avoided my parents. I didn't get very large throughout the pregnancy, hid it well and called my parents from the hospital to tell them they were grandparents ( I know terrible), but I couldn't hide it anymore, obviously.

My parents showed up at the hospital with balloons and flowers, my mom was tearful, my father wouldn't look in the nursery window. It took about two months for my dad to totally fall in love with Kenny..and they were best Buds until he passed away when Kenny was 2 1/2 years.

I'm 43 now, and still have guilt towards what I did to my parents....My fear of disappointing them made me do some STUPID THINGS.

Thankfully....we are close enough that all that is in the past.

My point is ...to all the young mother's out there...if you have the chance, give your parents the chance to be disappointed in you now, because it may not be as bad as you think.

Wish I would have someone to tell me that 23 years ago, but I was scared, young and dumb.

Thanks for listening to my stupidity, hopefully it will help someone.



My plan at the time was to put Kenny up for adoption, and keep the dark secret, Thankfully my mother in law came to the hospital and insisted I move in with her, and she helped me set up my, no our, lives........THANK GOD.........Don't know what I'd ever do without him, and he's been such a joy to my life.....That would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I can still see the social worker at the hospital telling me I was making a mistake by keeping him because he'd do better with a married set of parents. Wish she could see him now, in college and flourishing. Wish she could see me now, with a career, home and all of us happy.



Keep your heads up single moms.

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Emily - posted on 02/21/2009

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I just read both of your posts, and truthfully it is mothers like both of you that give a good name to mothers, those that fight everyday to provide for your children. You demonstrate the true meaning of struggle sacrifice and love. Thank you for sharing your stories.

[deleted account]

Hey lady! I just read your story. Sounds like you went through some pretty tough times. Sad thing is, the people who really need to hear this are the parents of the young girls going through the same thing now as you did then. It's sad that parents stress the "it's ok to have black friends, but not date them" thing. My step-dad said the same, but he knew that I would do what I wanted to so he didn't make it too terribly difficult. But some of my friends had totally different stories. I felt that I was pretty lucky in that end of things. My dad had his moments where he would pitch his fit, but nothing to where I was afraid to tell him I was getting married and having a child. I was also 19 at the time and of course was an "adult" (teehee). The race shouldn't be an issue. What SHOULD be an issue is making sure to stress to our children that they REALLY need to wait until after 25 to have children and get married!! I tell my 13 year old constantly that parents should be a positive role model and she should strive to be just that. But I am definitely an example of what you should NOT do!! I'm happy to hear that things turned out the way they did for you!

Btw...her father and I divorced due to him cheating. Years later I was in a relationship that went bad. During that time I found out I was pregnant with twins. Their father tried constantly to get me to agree on an abortion. After that was too late he pushed adoption. I felt that if I couldn't take care of myself, how in the world would I take care of 2 babies? The day before a case-worker was to meet me about starting the adoption process, I realized that God would not put more on me than what I could handle. Just like you...I am so grateful for the decision I made to keep them. It makes me cringe to even think how life would have been without them.

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Carima - posted on 08/10/2009

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My life wasn't that easy as well. I was with my Nigerian bf for 4 years and when we were going through a lot of turmoil in our relationship I got pregantn. I didn't know how I was going to make it through. My parents didn't know about him since I am Muslim and he is Christian. Muslim women are not supposed to go out with Christians so I had to hide my relationship from them. When I got pregnant I had to tell my mum. My bf didn't believe me straight away and I had to go meet him at a club where we used to hang to tell him. From then we tried to see how we are going to make it. I left home when I was 6 months pregnant and went to live in an apartment. Had to make a fake letter saying that I left because I don't want to feel trapped anymore. He had traveled to Egypt to see his side of the family. One morning I got a call from him begging me to go home. It was then that I decided to send him a message and tell him the truth. Since then my father doesn't talk to me. Me and my bf got married now and we have a wonderful 3 year old daughter who is our little angel. Life is never easy but some decisions are worth taken

Paula - posted on 08/09/2009

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Reading all your stories makes me to go down old memory road. I was 18 years old when I started dating my Nigerian boyfriend who today is my husband. When I first introduced him to my family... Lets just say that it did not go as planned. I moved out and started a life with him a year later I got pregnate and had a son. The day that I had him I called up my parents to let them know but it took them 4 more months to accept the fact that I had choosen what I wanted and was not about to loose the man that I loved. Today my parents love my husband as if he was their own.

Stacey - posted on 08/08/2009

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i totallty agree theres nothing to be ashamed of and if they have a problem with it thats there problem =D x

Stacey - posted on 08/08/2009

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Hiya i have just given birth to a little girl who is mixed im only 18 and still lived with my parents untill yesterday. I didnt kow i was pregnant untill i was in labour so in some ways you have time to get your head round it. My mum didnt take it well when she found out even but she gradually got used to the idea ( not that she had a choice she was already on her way lol ) now both of my parents are smitten and it is the best thing i have ever done keeping my little girl , I have managed to cope and all the family has been great which helps alot your very lucky hope everything goes great =D and good luck in everything nice to hear a story thats similar to mine Take Care Stacey xx

Ashleigh - posted on 08/01/2009

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As a biracial person myself who is with a black guy, i can relate very well as hard as that is to believe. My real father has never been in the picture (got my mom prego in the navy). my mom married my "white" dad before i was born so i was raised in an all white family. my dad told me i was mixed in kindergarten but i never told anyone until i was 14. my dads family is tan complected so ppl just thought he was my dad although some ppl asked if i was black. i guess in a way i felt i should be ashamed. At 14 i had my first black boyfriend and thats when ppl found out about me, my family wasnt really okay with me dating black guys even though i was half black (my dad was okay with it) my grandparents on both sides were infuriated but since then ive always had black boyfriends. when i found out i was pregnant, i was so scared to tell them because of the black factor. my dads parents came to accept it and are in love with my son and my boyfriend for that matter, but my mothers father isnt. he will hardly come around and he will not even look at my son. it really hurts that he can accept me but not my son, (he denies that im black) its nice to hear that some ppl do change. but regardless, i love my sons father and my son and i stand by that. you have to live your life and just ignore the ppl who WONT change.

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2009

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Isn't it funny to think that you were afraid to "Disappoint" them.!!?? My parents were thrilled to find out I was with a man who loved me, no matter if he was black or white. The only comment my mom had was " Now you can have me a brown baby" , which I did, a girl, who was the love of my parents life! My mom passed away when my daughter was 8, and I thank God I was able to give her such joy in the last years of her life. The only disapointment my parents had was that we didn't have more kids!

Sarah - posted on 07/26/2009

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My parents never fought us girls on marrying interracially. My x-husband is Mexican and my sister's husband is Phillipino. I am now re-married to an INCREDIBLE man who is half Italian. My parents talked to us about interracial dating and the truths about it and just wanted us to be prepared for what we would get. A black pastor in Sacramento spoke very openly about the most common weaknesses in black men, while my parents spoke to us about the above average sex drive in Mexican's. ABOVE AVERAGE!!! PLEASE!!! lol ;P. My father also taught us about Europeans and my mother covered the Australians. They all knew what they were saying and were just letting us know that their will be culture shock when you marry into a different nationality. Different nationalities are raised differently. We all hold different priorities. And all have different quirks. To whome this may encourage. Don't give up on your parents just yet. We are all hold uncertainties of the unknown. And don't think that after I divorced one nationality in which the man proved above unfaithful and abusive, that my mother didn't panic when she heard my Italian mother-in-law answer the phone (she thought she was Mexican). We all shock our parents every now and then but I would have to say that when there's love involved it's kind of a shock and awe type situation. My parents were over joyed (after I left my husband) that I was having a baby. The biggest concern any of my family had were skin blemishes from being mixed. She does have 4 or 5 but none are huge.

[deleted account]

I was 21 and had just moved back home because me and my room mate had a falling out...I was home for about a month when I found out I was pregnant...I was so scared...my daughters father wanted me to get an abortion but I couldn't...I was 5 weeks and 2 days when I had my first ultrasound and didn;t tell my parents for about a month...and when I did I made my sister. My dad cried and hugged me and told me it's not supposed to happen like this but he would help me, my mom would talk to me an dmy grandmother asked me how it happened...It took my mom about a week to talk to me and now I still live at home and they love every day they get to see their grand daughter...

Amanda - posted on 07/22/2009

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Wow the things we go though just to be with the man we love.My dad was a racest ( I think he still is ) and angery when he found out I was dating a black man. He kicked me out of the house, but I was still allowed to come vist my little brother. After a few times coming to see my brothers my dad seen how happy I was and said you know I have never seen you this happy. I said thats right, because this man I love makes me happy. So my dad wonted to meet him. They met and my dad was ok with it. Then Kelvin ( my husband ) asked my dad to allow us to get married ( I was 19 he just wanted to do it right ) my dad wanted to speak to me before he said yes, because someone in our family said I was with Kelvin only to spite him. Anit family awsome lol. Any way we got married and all was good till I found out I was pregant with my first son. Well all the suden my dad was against me having a mixed child. When my son was born he would not hold him or anything. I told my dad you have to love my son and my husband to love me, because they are me. It drives me crazy when white girls have parents that dont except there black husbands and will take there kids there house and there husbands are not allowed. Ugg that is nuts. If you do that then you are showing your child that there is something wrong with who they are.

Heather - posted on 07/20/2009

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I have never been worried about disappointing my parents. I was 21 when my father found out I was dating a black man. I called to speak to my mother instead i got...DONT YOU EVER CALL MY HOUSE YOU ____ LOVIN WHORE! Well needless to say we did not speak for 2.5 yrs. So during those two years I would take my son (who is white) to my mothers job so she could see him while she on lunch. She would tell him we came to see her. He'd give her attitude but eventually he came around. He called one christmas morning and asked my husband at the time and me if we would come to Chrstmas dinner. We went and all was fine... Then 4 years later i found out i was pregnant with my daughter who is half white and half black. While i was pregnant he said that he didnt want anything to do with her, He did not come to the hospital when she was born and didnt see her til she was a week old. When he finally came to see her, she had him wrapped around her finger from the first time he laid eyes on her. Now out of 6 grandkids she is the only girl and the apple of their eye.

Katy - posted on 07/20/2009

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Oh I forgot, when I first married my husband, I was told by my sister (who was dating a skinhead, go figure) that I was a race traitor @@ and then when I got pregnant 3 months later, I was told my child would be an abomination.... She stopped dating the guy and started thinking for herself, and was in the operating room with me when I had my emergency c-section... she called everyone she knew and told them about her beautiful little niece, including for some reason the skinhead. The day my baby girl was born he called her the N word.... if I ever saw him again, I don't know if I could stop myself from saying anything to him. It makes me sick to think someone could be so hateful towards an innocent beautiful baby.

Erin - posted on 07/20/2009

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It is stories like this that make other women out there stonger. I waited unitl I was 4 months pregnant to tell my parents in a letter. I have always dated black men, but when I first started dating at 14 my mother told me she would make my life a living hell if I continued to talk to the black boys. Of course I didn't listen and eventually she got over it, but every guy I date she always asks is he white or black. I guess it didnt help that my baby's father proved her right, but thats one man....maybe one day she'll just let me be me.

Katy - posted on 06/30/2009

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My parents weren't happy about me dating my husband, because apparently they thought any black man was ghetto. I didn't care what my parents thought or said, they've gotten past their issues once they realized my husband was a good guy. I've been disowned by my uncle, but I love my husband, I never care what color his skin is. I don't see him as a black man, or bi-racial man, he's just the man I love.

Yasmeen - posted on 06/19/2009

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My daughter is half arab, half white and I went through the same things with my family with all the name calling. It boils my blood to think that we cant get past skin color even with having all of the technologies and civilization advancements available to us today. When are we going to realize that we are all human and when we bleed, yes we have different blood type, but all the types are red in color.

Jovana - posted on 06/19/2009

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hi, i just recently fouund out that my 15 year old daughter that lives with me & her dad is pregnant for a black boy. at first, we were inraged! we didnt even know she was in this relationship and had never met him before. after the shock of becoming a grandmother at 30 years old and her being pregnant, we accepted it. she is due in december and we are happy and have a very close relationship with her and the guy seems to be a great guy. he just graduated from high school. we know they both have a lot of growing up and responsibabilities to take on but all we can do is be there for them! it is never good to hide something from the people you love. im glad you have overcome you struggles.

Alicia - posted on 02/28/2009

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I was 20 when I found out I was pregnant and telling my parents was one of the scariest things about it. They believe strongly in marriage before kids and having an established career (which is a good route to go but by far not the only one) my dad took it relatively well tho went on (and still goes on) about how disappointed in me he was/is and how I'm acting like I wasn't raised properly (even tho I continued school thru my pregnancy and went back via distance ed when my daughter turned 6 months and am doing very well). My mom wouldn't look at me never mind speak to me. that lasted about 2 months tops until the fact that she was gonna have a grandbaby sunk in and she got excited lol. It was hard and I'm still dealing with my dad's negativity on occasion but they both adore their granddaughter and shes all they talk about. Ive never seen two grown adults fuss and make fools of themselves like they do over my daughter. I'm glad I decided to suck it up and tell them as soon as I was positive I was pregnant and that I was keeping her.

[deleted account]

Quoting Emily:

I just read both of your posts, and truthfully it is mothers like both of you that give a good name to mothers, those that fight everyday to provide for your children. You demonstrate the true meaning of struggle sacrifice and love. Thank you for sharing your stories.



Thanks, Emily!  Hope this is helpful to some.  Take care!

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