Verbal abuse could be worse than physical abuse?

Pelga - posted on 05/12/2010 ( 37 moms have responded )

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It’s amazing that there are still thousands of mums out there that get a beating from their loved one, hubby/bf, some in front of their children. Ihate violence, no form of violence should be acceptable at all but while a man will slap you across the face & leave no scar or leave a bruise that you treat and it goes away, there is a slap far deeper than that, it goes to your heart, head and body! And it is VERBAL ABUSE, am talking about what a hubby/bf says to you whether it’s a comment or abuse. It could affect you for the rest or your life directly or indirectly. Comments about a woman’s looks, sexuality, size and brains are the most damaging. Over time these kick in & you start to believe them. Next it is low self-esteem, feeling of uselessness, hopelessness, struggling to live up to what your not.
We must guard against this form of abuse too, it is way too damaging!

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Julie - posted on 07/27/2011

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Fantastic you are giving warnings about this sort of behaviour. Patrica Evan`s books are the best guide but motional and verabl abuse....You can get Patrica Evans books in a library or on Amazon second hand or new in some books shops.I have lent my copies out so can`t copy anything for you to pass on but there is also another summary I have found below which is also helpful understanding things.



Unfortunatley verbal and emotianl abuse often makes you feel you are going crazy as someone who is supposed to love you would be saying things to look after you and help you or advise you, they also wouldn`t lie, cheat, put down, damage your things etc etc...so the partners behaviour really begins to get to you.. especailly when they play the Jekall and Hyde partner...MR Wnderfula dn Mr Hell....the fact that they also deny what they have said or done ...makes it worse...and of course later you maybe be told by them you are the crazy one as they often put on a different face to others in front of you and others think they are great...by this time you are living on your nerves, walking on eggshells etc...all so confusing and it doesn`t really make sense... and it makes you tired and often your immune system witll suffer and you will get sick...livig on the edge and burst of adrenalin to gget thru...no rest up periods.....always wondering what will happen next and trying make things perfect or just get thru...if he can just be happy and pleased it will be ok..he may often balme you for how he feels etc.....no matter how kind, loving, helpful, caring, consdierate you are to him and his feelings...your absuer chooses the timing of when he willstart up his games and get angry hit a subatnce and binge or jsut be plain nasty... abuse is a one way ride...you have no come abck and you can`t argue or discuss.



So here goes with some reading:



On a day in day out basis with things like below happening 3-what ever times aday it is a nightmare....sure sometimes someone might do one of these once in a blue moon...but the constant is supposed to break you and brainwash you...it starts off slow and only a few incddents at a time and grows...



Hope this a help for those out there not sure what is happening to them or those about to go into a relationship.



Another important book in understanding verbal abuse is one that describes the phenomenon of "crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy.{2} They describe what the crazymaking experience feels like. This includes "feeling temporarily thrown off balance," "feeling lost and not knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard."

A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill." Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.

The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for what it is and to begin to take deliberate steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.



Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

Now I would like to focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3} 1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.

2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.

3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.

4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.

6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.

8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse.

Categories of Verbal Abuse

The first category of verbal abuse is withholding. A marriage requires intimacy, and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated. The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"

Countering is very destructive to a relationship because it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the verbal abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before she can finish her thought. In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.

A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.

Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.

A fifth form of verbal abuse is blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.

Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship. This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner on the defensive.

Another form of verbal abuse is judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of acceptance of her.





Other Forms of Verbal Abuse

Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused and believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her. Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.

Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse.

Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone "stupid" because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she is not as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self esteem.

Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have made which are most important to their partners.

Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate.

Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.

That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial

Danielle - posted on 03/15/2013

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Your post has really opened my eyes . I want my freedom back I had it five years ago and I miss it. He has completely isolated me from the outside world. I feel like a prisoner. When he gets home today he's going to have to decide to either go to marriage counciling and try to fix this issue or I'm leaving. The good thing is I have no children to worry about . My son is grown and the two at home are his. Foe once I need to start thinking about my happiness instead of everyone elses. Thank You

Gabriela - posted on 10/14/2012

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I was with my ex for 8yrs before I took that step. He has been verbally abusive to me for 7 of those yrs. We have two kids and one on the way. He recently started to be abusive towards the kids and thata when I drew the line. My famiky has been supportive and helped me. The one day on 8/26 when I had both my kids I left. He thought I was comingback. I made up a story so it wouldnt be a fight to leave. I am seeing a counselor and I am 100% giving all my timeto my kids. My 6yo has also been seeing a counselor. I have an order of protection against him till 4/1/13. And I will try to extendit longer at court. My kids are happier finaly and in a great enviroment. The only good things I got out of those long 8yrs are my kids. And I am alsohappier and gettn my life back on track. I do think I miss him at times but I just cant get the picture out of my head when he grabbed my daughter by her hair and sat her dwn by him cause she wasnt listening. That will aways be my tool to keep that low life out of my kids life and mine. It wasnt just verbal abuse obviously.

Elizabeth - posted on 09/23/2012

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I just wanted to provide an update on my situation. It has been a year since my last post and reading it just now takes me back to the fear, the desperation, the constant anxiety. Stress can do terrible things to you---hair falling out, chest pains, panic attacks, stomach issues, I was a wreck. Things got even worse after my post and last December I finally got the courage and made the decision to seek a divorce. I would like to say the road has been easy since then, but truthfully it has not. Even after the court ordered I had sole residence in January and he was made to get out - the mental anguish did not end. A lot of it I allowed, I know this, but letting go of that mental and emotional stronghold you have been under for so long is a process.



I have had therapy, read several books and online help as well as opening up to family and friends which I never did before. The problem with these abusers is we love them. They are or once were our best friends, the father of our children, our "soul-mates." But, they are slowly killing us day by day, insult by insult. True love does not mean allowing someone to slowly destroy you. I was a strong-willed, independent, confident woman when my husband and I met. But, over the years I allowed myself to be morphed into something quite the opposite. I still held those qualities and attributes in other areas of my life, but when it came to the dynamic of our relationship I was the beaten down old faithful dog who no matter how bad the treatment I always greeted my master at the door with a smile. Believing that if I was sweet enough, did everything right and went above and beyond to make him happy, he would be kind and not have reason to lash out. But, as so many of us know too well that is a battle which cannot be won.



We are still in the process of a divorce but have a temporary custodial arrangement. Much like our marriage there are times when he is cooperative and kind, and others where he is the devil. I have grown so much as a person and am in the stage now where I can see that I actually allowed this behavior to go on and I will never make that mistake again. The freedom I feel is indescribable. I can wake up each day and not worry about having another person set the tone for my day. Not have to put on a front everywhere I go, reapplying my make-up 3 or 4 times some days from crying, or wonder what mood he is going to be in when I get home. The healing has begun and I can imagine having a relationship with a man who will love me and not abuse. I am schooling myself on what red flags to recognize for the future. Ladies, we must have our blinders off when we are getting to know someone in the beginning. We may be accused of being too picky, or jumping to conclusions about a comment or reaction from someone, but truly when you have been where we have been you cannot be too careful. We cannot repeat the mistakes of our past if for no one else for our children. They are affected. You cannot erase the past but you can make a decision about the future. Show them in action that women are not to be treated this way. It is not okay. Sometimes I don't know how the electric bill is going to get paid, but let me tell you on my most stressful day now it is nothing compared to the stress of being abused. Freedom of the mind is best gift you can give yourself. You don't even realize the impact this is having on you in every way...mentally, emotionally, spiritually and yes physically.



I could go on and on but let me leave you with one last thought...If you have not talked to anyone about what is going on - you must. This advice is coming from someone who is extremely private, and historically have taken pride in "not needing anyone to talk to." But, that is what allowed me to see how terrible things were. Once you begin to say it aloud you will realize the absurdity of his behavior. Another person's viewpoint will let you see just how wrong it is because when you are in the thick of it you justify his actions, or make them less than what they are. Confide in a close friend, loved one, counselor, someone you can trust. It is not so much about receiving advice as it is about unloading the weight of secrecy and receiving much needed love and support. It gave me the strength to get out and oddly enough removed some of the feelings of shame I was dealing with. Hang in there ladies.

Margaret - posted on 06/29/2012

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omg what a wake up call as i kept reading I throught this is me going threw this crap and have been putting up with it for over 20 years the controling the put downs the lies the cheating and the blame its all your fault comments iam finelly getting the strength i NEED to let go he has been gone for three months doesnt know what he wants me or hes pub trough flee whore what he does plays mind games crys and puts the guilts on me says hell be left with nothing tells my 16yr old hes going to do himself in she done we are nearly there we will be ok we just have to not fall for his lies or bullshit becouse nothing will change

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Kristy - posted on 08/13/2013

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my da has been dead for 14 months. as a child i witnessed him molest my older sister. myself as an adult till he got sick would what i believe to be indirect sexual abuse. he would consistantly make lude comments about other women. and towards the tv. as a 30 year old i walked in the house at 3am and he said well i geuss you got laid, how do i grieve this man?
after my sisters abuse came out, my mom allowed him back in the home w/in 10 months. i grew up wearing baggy clothes and constant critisism from mom, like if my shirt was too low he would be attracted to me. mind you he was my step-dad, however he was there for 38 of my 40 years of life. he was my only dad.
there are so many more layers to the story....

Lisa - posted on 03/26/2013

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Hello Moms
All, I can say is yes I have walked in your shoes before but everyone has a different situation. I was married to a Military Soldier for 19yrs & 8 mos. I never put up with his cheating a--. Yes, in the beginning everything was good had a baby girl in "Germany" that's when I realize he had issues from his past. So, after my daughter 1 yr Birthday I wanted to come home back to conus/states too visit my family. He was kool with that just make a huge guess then he could cheat all he wanted too......Guess u would like to know why I stated, #1 he was not mean he knew if I ever caught him his freaking career would have been over......Yeah, he admitted it the first time and from that I know he was cheating his butt off. I am a very strong woman and he knew those mind games that he thought he was going too play would work on this sista I don't think so......If don't remember nothing else about my post always remember mental abuse is worse than physical a wound can all was heal but your mind will slowly become dysfunctional. If u r not right in your mind how will u be able to think and take care of u and your babies. I did leave out maaried in 1986 Dec then moved away out of the country he was everything I ask my God to give me in a man Mister on the other hand took advantage of a good woman now in 1990 pregnant with twins boy and girl. It was no mistake true gift from god now he was doing him all the way we are now back state side living in Georgia......I always say I got Georgia on my mind! By now us gone to Desert Storm I move back home with my beloved mom and gave birth to my twins when ground war broke out on a Monday night on 18th February at 11:30 p.m. I will not lie and say it was easy over those years but my point is I had sacrificed my life as well. So, if he thought I was not listening to a older lady she always stated if he don't rule u don't bcz at the end u have a pot of gold......I never understood that until we separated and I finally after 7 yrs learned the military. My live for my husband was complete gone I no longer cared if he cheated bcz I had a lit if faith and family to stand behind me. God will fix it just seek the "Almighty" and he deliver....Amen! Why did I stay bcz he no longer lived in the same household and I let that wild geese to jyst fly his wings until god was ready to cut them off. When my spouse retired and I divorce him he had to pay 1500.00 in child support until 23 yrs of age until each child graduated from college and I received 1/2 of his retirement check for the rest of my life and now I am so happily too a wonderful man going on 11 yrs. I, don't want for nothing all my children are grown and have their lives. My twin daughter gave me a gorgeous grandson:) Life is pretty good.......Bottom line for me I didn't take no mess from him "My mother made me too damn strong to fear anyone" Other, than my heavenly father up above" . Can, I get a witness....:)

Paula - posted on 10/03/2012

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Before I met my ex and very quickly became a mother, I used to be a feisty, always opinionated, very often stubborn female who would not waver from whatever her thought or feelings. I was always a woman to rely on my gut feeling about people and situations and when and if I "felt" something or someone wasn't right, I steered clear, and this served me well in life until I became a mother. Thank goodness that woman never really left me but she did fall by the wayside simply because she had a child. I was determined to have my child grow up in a two parent household even in spite of the emotional and verbal abuse that I suffered at the hands of his father, being stubborn and determined I guess. I won't get into the soap opera that became my life but I will say this, I will never ever go against my gut feeling, instinct or intuition ever again. I was taken down to nothing because of this man and thought about suicide many many times. Thankfully that feisty, opinionated, stubborn woman never ababdoned me and began to take control of her life again.



You can never be too nice to this men because they don't have the capacity to appreciate anything that you offer them, not your loyalty, not your love, not your dedication, not nothing. You won't be able to do enough for them because the problem is them, not you. You can give and give and because they will always be them, your efforts are futile. Like they say, "Where ever you go, there you are." The same is true with these men, no matter what relationship they are in, and no matter what woman they're with, there will always be a problem. How can they act the way they are acting when someone is giving them their all and their best all of the time, yet these men are never happy with anything ever.



It became to exhausting for me and I stopped caring about him and what he thought every minute of the day, because I saw nothing was ever good enough or right enough for him so the feeling of "OH FREAKING WELL" began to consume me and I knew I had to leave. Nag, nag, nag all the time. I'm sorry but that is NOTan attractive trait for a man to have and I just wanted him to finally shut up his mouth for once, my only way to be free of his nagging was to create distance and just wanting that, helped me to walk. I want someone who appreciates me and the gifts that I give them, not nag and b*tch about them. Me and what I have to offer to someone can go somewhere else and be done with it. You don't love me, want me or like me, fine ok then but you don't get to tear me down in the process just leave and let us each find happiness somewhere else but these men don't do that, they want to keep you damn near an emotional prisoner so that they can destoy you even more. They don't like you or love you and you hear them tell you that all the time and in may different way but they won't leave and they don't want you to leave either, it is completely and totally insane and I don't do insane, not anymore anyway. Thank goodness I'm back to being me, and because I lost me for so long, I cannot begin to say how much I appreciate myself as I am. Now I'm so much more wiser and have a better understandfing of the fact that no matter how much we try, no matter how much we want it to work and no matter how much we love someone, sometimes we are in love with the wrong person and it simply will never work and I am totally ok with that. If he is not about trying to help build me up and to build us up, he won't get the chance to tear me down, that's for sure.

Trudy - posted on 09/25/2012

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I'm not sure whether this is the same, but my husband of 19 yrs with holds sex , just because he can not get his way and have sex every 2nd day.He is then like a schoolboy who is trying to punish me by keeping sex away from me. He has had so many relationships woth other woman and the pictures I have in my mind, stops me from feeling the way I should. He has on occasion hit me, so bad I had to get a op.Each time he is so sorry, but then as soon as he cant have his way again, the same story

Cheryl - posted on 09/23/2012

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wow im so glad im not the only one out there with an asshole husband, i didnt want to include this but i let him get to me so much, where i attempted suicide because of the abuse and now im so glad im getting divorced next month and my lawyer is taking his ass to the cleaners because im on disability, this is how crazy he is he got a court order for me to take a hairfollicle drug test but i always say karma is a bitch and to his surprise i passed the dam thing and now he looks like the ass in the judges eyes he even had one lawyer drop him cause how he is, so good luck ladies hope you can be strong and get the hell out now!

Julie - posted on 09/23/2012

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People need to be educated about verbal abuse and how it hurts and affects people long term and short term. ...before it happens to them...we teach about the woes of drug use in schools and the risks about unsafe sex...relationship behaviours like the abusive partner should also be taught...teach the 14 ways to put someone down....there needs to be more education about this in the schoola,and the universities with the medical and the educational institutes taking a lead and the legal world..courts also need to have their family court lawyers more aware how it works so that the victims aren`t ganged up in in the court rooms by ignorance.

Julie - posted on 09/23/2012

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Happiness is what you think and what you say and what you do are in harmony.

L:isten to your innerself.

Gianna - posted on 09/22/2012

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Absolutely! How about being told that you are too smart for your own good? Being told that all the good things about you are actually bad things. The way you walk, the way you speak, even down to the seasonings you add to your prepared meals being different than how it is done in his family. Everything that you do has to be met with some sort of remark.

Cheryl - posted on 09/20/2012

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i was in an abusive realationship. he would tell me where i could go check my phone, always accused me of cheating, if i didnt ans my phone in a timely manner he would keep calling, it got so bad i would take my phone to the restroom. he checked my milage all the time one time he followed me to the drug store. He would check my email. would not let me have friends. then it got worse i couldnt change the sheets till he got home to check them. would ask the neighbors who was here and how many what color cars. this drug me down so bad i attempted suicide 3 times cause he made a prisinor of me and that is not like me. I finally found out he was the one cheating and now im divorcing him, but that doesn change how he has changed my life i have to go to a thearapist now cause he ruined me and made me crazy and i would tell my family and they would say does he hit you, and i would say no i wish he did bruises heal hearts and minds dont.

Yolanda - posted on 09/19/2012

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I am a woman that has been married to the same man for almost thirty years. We have five children and let me tell you, not only has he been verbally abusive to me, but our children as well. I have a lot of guilt because I learned to shrug it off for the most part, but I didn't realize how badly if affected our children. Our oldest son is so angry that I can hardly stand it. He is of age now and will react in a defensive manner when he is criticized. I am heart broken because I blame myself for not seeing things their way. I could not see it from their point of view. I was so busy trying to make ends meet and take care of the family's physical needs, that I did not realize what was going on. This man would do things like make them call me at work to tell me what they had done wrong, which was hard to hear coming out of their mouths because you could hear him in the background saying, "tell her what you did, tell her". The full extent of how he was did not come out until my children were much older. I hate myself for not seeing it, I can only apologize to them for not seeing it over and over again. I ask God to forgive me for not seeing it. Right now, my children are trying to find their way into adulthood and it has been difficult because of the job situation where we live, but I try to encourage them every step of the way, and I always tell them that they are special and to go for their dreams and that I love them and support them in what they want to do. I hope that my family is on the road to healing, I do see signs that we are, however, the same obstacle is still there, my husband who does not feel the need to filter the words that come out of his mouth, but, when he does open wide and stick in his foot, he finds that his wife and children are not the ones who took things so easily as in the past and we let him know, if you open a door, someone just might walk in and you will have to deal with the consequences of your actions.

Samantha - posted on 09/15/2012

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Its not easy being strong and making the decision to leave. A year ago now (cant believe its been 12 mths) my partner dumped me over me buying a $89 mobile phone a huge argument because i didnt ask him or tell him i had gotten it even though he was with me on the day, he didnt notice. According to him i was a fat lazy selfish bitch and quite a few more choice names. We lived for about 2 months under the same roof but seperated. (He had previously dumped me in the May prior to this just before our daughters 4th birthday. I was upset about it thought it was my fault and wanted to get back together but he didnt, until his friend took him out drinking one night and he appologised said he loved me and that it would be different we were only seperated for approx. 2 - 3 weeks.) In the time bein sep. under the same roof, he kept telling me to get out. He told me it would keep getting worse till i left, I told him i wasnt leaving and having the kids on the street he told me only i had to leave not the kids. He was right, the abuse did get worse i still hadnt found a house that i could afford but it got really bad. He went right off for ages one night my son who was 14 at the time came out of his room and sat on the lounge next to me, I threatened to call the police because i was scared and he kept going so i said thats it and got up to grab the phone, he ripped the phone from the wall. He kept going so i said it again because i was so scared i forgot he had ripped it out it was enough this time for him to run up stairs and to the bedroom. I thought he had finished cause he went to bed but he came back downstairs naked and had a second go at me this time turning everything off cause i didnt pay the bills he did. I went into my sons room till i thought he was asleep then went to bed which was upstairs too cause i was sleeping in our 4yr old daughters bedroom luckily she slept through the whole thing. My son was witness to many of this type of abuse and coped alot of his own that i have only recently found out about our daughter didnt get as much but was still witness to alot but my son saw and heard most. Stuff is still going through court but on a happy note my son is a much happier boy, is now 15 is talking more has new friends new school doesnt get bullied at school or at home anymore is interested in doing outside of school activities again and talks about the future. My little girl is 5 now is a happy little girl loves school has lots of friends and isnt happy that she cant do ballet anymore because on the weekends she isnt with me she wont be taken she loves her swimming lessons. But unfortunely she is constantly questioned and told to keep secrets and is babied so i have a difficult time with her behaviour when she comes home. Over all if you want a happier life which we now have you have to make in informed decision and be prepared and have back up. I moved in with my mum and she has been a godsent. If your partner isnt getting better wont do counselling wont take any responsibility always blames you for everything then really it isnt going to improve make the decision that is best for you. I was in a nine yr relationship and it only got worse he would say it would get better it would be good for a short time then be worse again. The worse got even worse but the good never got better. His family is in denial and blame me for everything and most ppl either had blinkers on or chose to not see the truth. My family and close friends know the truth and thats all i care about and now my kids are happier my son never has to see him again but my little girl has to. I just hope with all the exposure that his behaviour towards her will not escallate when this is all finished. Only time will tell.

Zoe - posted on 09/06/2012

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Kristin,

It sadens me to read your message because that is form of abuse, it happens more than people are willing to admit (because most woman feel ashamed by it) 1 in 4 households is the average for domestic abuse (all forms) and it always starts small and gradually grows. I cannot tell you to leave this man becasue you love him and he is the father of your children. When i was in it, i didnt listen to anyone telling me to leave, so i know it would not strike home for you. My mindset was more for my child, he will be from a broken home and all the baggage that that brings for a child, i didnt want that to happen. But that fact is that children will eventually feel the effects of your unhappiness and children just want their parents to be happy. If you are thinking of getting out of the relationship then it has to be your desision, you have to stand 100% behind your choice and if and when you make the step don't ever go back because it will increase 10 fold. If you stay i would say ask him to go to couples therapy, because my guess is that he doesn't realise how much he is hurting you and if he does then is he willing to make changes to stop hurting you.



I wish you good luck and i hope you find your way out of this situation because it is not healthy. Take care and be strong x

Laura - posted on 09/06/2012

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I also know that scars can be devastating I have a few but for me words that have been said have stuck in my head and prob will b for ever. I hope all u ladies suffering have the courage to leave, it is hard I'm not saying its not but when u have left u will hopefully feel free and it'll be the best thing u have done. Good luck girlies.

Julie - posted on 09/05/2012

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The step chn can be used as tools just as your own can be...any audience can be manipulated to make you feel sick inside...that`s what an abuser does....that things aren`t right and you know the behaviour is not right....you are right.

Kristina - posted on 09/05/2012

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I dont know if this is emotional abuse or not. My husband has called me a cunt, a whore, and other names. Sometimes I call him an Ahole. In the past I cheated on my ex had an affair which I regret, but my ex was no angel either. Anyways my husband brings it up and when he does he calls me a whore even when I cry he can still sit there and call me a whore. If I add an ex bf I havent see in years since I was in high school he says did you blow him or sleep with him? He'll tell me my boobs are saggy that no buddy would like those if I left. He makes me feel bad one night he told me I wish I didnt marry you and meet you at our place of work. When we fight he brings up the fact that he bought a house for me, got me 2 dogs, gave me 2 children he didnt want. On our wedding day he says after this my credit goes by bye. I cried during our ceremonly he laughed. He said in front of everyone your not my best friend your second best friend. He said something about being married again that brought tears to my eyes. I dont know when to leave and how as im a stay at home mom with one vehicle. What are the signs?

Zoe - posted on 09/04/2012

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Mental abuse cuts much deeper than physical abuse (yes infact the bruises fade but the scars of mental abuse are devastating) and i can speak from experience on that one having suffered both. The effects of mental abuse can follow you your whole life, it changes who you are (or at least what you think you are) and unless you have support and or help in some way it will haunt you and influence your life (keeping you in the victim role). All abuse starts with isolation, and doesn't happen over night it is something that starts small and grows gradually.

If you think you are being verbally abused, do something about it now before it progresses too far. No relationship is worth it, the relationship you have with yourself is much more important.

Laura - posted on 09/03/2012

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I was in an abusive relationship where it ended up me stabbing him in self defense, I think that bruises fade, words stick in ur head for eternity.

Vanessa - posted on 07/12/2012

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Can verbal abuse cause you to resent your husband's step-children. e.g my husband has, on at least 4 or 5 occasions cursed me in front of my kids or our kids using profanities saying stuff to put me down, called me names etc. and then on at least 4 other occasions he has done it without the kids being around. Now I have a hard time welcoming his children into our home because of the lack of respect he has shown me and my kids and my mom (who was visiting at the time one of the outbursts took place). His children have been pretty decent towards me etc for the most part but this resentment is building and I do not like it. I have never been disrespectful towards him in front of any of the children. I expect that we will have diff of opinions (he is always right by the way) but I think that if it cannot be calmly discussed that it should be done in privacy and out of ear shot of the children. I have bent over backwards to try to make this marriage work but i am at my wits end now. His idea of having a discussion is to talk for 3 hours without you interrupting and when he is done, the conversation is over. When his children come over to visit and i am not hopping up and down with joy and laughter that they are there, that too is a problem. Any advice?

Maureen - posted on 07/05/2012

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This is in reply to Jessica who is filing for divorce thurs. You are very courageous and a great mom for doing this -getting your kids out of that. Your kids will grieve their dad and therefore identify with him and copy his behavior sometimes but they have years to learn differently.
His family and friends are not going to believe anything you say because abusers are master manipulators. They make better impressions than their spouses who are naturally upset and angry about this all the time.
You will develop support systems over time-gradually trusting new people and eventually confidiing in one or two. I have gone through some of this myself(separation) .Best wishes and
God bless you.

Margaret - posted on 07/05/2012

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wow i didnt think i would get a reply i only found this site a few weeks ago and its great when ever iam felling low or need some encourgment i log on its been good my other half has never laid into me or our daughter he has raised his fist i have always stood up to him and have said if you are going to do it make it a good one becouse it will be your last one you low life weak piece of shit hes always backed down and knows i would have him locked up but its all the other crap the put downs the comments now its he wants to get back together if i let him sell the house and move 4hrs away and buy a bussiness with him but cant tell me if hes still with the whore wants our daughter to leave school and get another job by the way she loves where she is working part time and is doing really well but he doesnt care its still all about him then in the next breath says iam out he working paying for both of you women is he for real what the?i couldnt belive what was comming out of his mouth hes only paying me child support then turns around in the next breath says well if you dont want to move hell go into bussiness with the whore i told him to get himself a lawyer

Birgit - posted on 07/04/2012

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Both my son and I were both physically and verbally abused, my son wasn't even 2 and we weren't married for 2 months and he was cheating on me. I've heard everything to your ugly to fat to a worthless mother. Ive been through alot in my life and the only way I've found my way through it is by looking forward and looking at my sons life, He's my number one and i do everything for him that i possibly can just like any other mom.

Jessica - posted on 07/03/2012

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I am filing for divorce on Thursday due to physical abuse, alongside with emotional and verbal. My kids witnessed, well the twins who are 5 seen there dad attack me and one of them actually got between him and me, and told him to stop. In the midst of that he threatened to kill me if I took the kids. There is a no contact order and he goes back to court for trial on the 17th. I have no support and it seems like everyone is supporting him, even though he caused it. He even told his sister that I caused all this to our family. He talks to them like he is so sorry and that he feels bad, but then he goes on to dating websites and starts with the bad mouthing me and making me the bad person. Im so lost and confused, and my twin boys actually treat me the way there dad did, I get to relief from it.

Maureen - posted on 07/01/2012

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My situation is less severe, but can empathize with how frightening it is to live with Jeckyll and Hyde. Years ago my husband pushed me out of bed for turning him down., pushed me across the room( I did say something mean-but still)., and 4 years ago he was yelling and I was going to call the police and he bent my fingers back(gently) as a form of intimidation. He went on a planned trip and on a therapist's advice i did take out a domestic violence order. I did receive more support in doing this than I thought I would.Because I required him to ,he recieved counseling through his EAP but we lived in separate homes for 1 and 1/2 years as I didn't want him to move back. He then wanted to divorce me unless he could move back so I let him do so.

Since then there has been some verbal abuse(calling me or the daughter "bitch"), . My daughter as a mouthy pre teen was difficult but he would mock her at home frequently. Once she kicked him hard and he kicked her back. We went to family therapy; good therapist but he just went along with it and is still episodically mean. He made fun of her in front of other kids when we picked her up from the airport. "Show them how grumpy you are"

Lorin(daughter)called me Fri to come home from my errand. She had yelled at him and he was cursing and states he called her the B word(no big deal she says). "get him out of this house" she says. Then today(Sat and Sun) they get along just great and he is mildly belittleing me.

I have been debating for years whether I should get out. Divorce will be a financial loss, but more importantly an emotional one. Of course he is wonderful when he isn't acting like this-great toward me and the daughter. I feel that I have tried Everything. I have a very responsible profession in healthcare and am afraid divorce would cause me to become depressed( I have bipolar 2 disorder) affecting my functioning. My support system is not that good.

Would appreciate others' thoughts.

Celine - posted on 01/26/2012

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Tell me about it!!!! Verbal Abuse is so painful specially if the nasty things are coming out of the person you love!! This happen to me and I thought I was the problem thats how he made me feel all the time. I knew deep down he was wrong and I decided it was time to move on!!! I left him although he might think he did but it was a way for me to get rid of him ones and for all!! Now he's telling the whole world how he left because I was a Lazy person (he never gave me credit for nothing I did for him), I changed a lot, Im not who I used to be since I got pregnant(He was selfish when i was pregnant he never helped me), and that I never loved him or showed him I loved him (he expected me to do sexual things to him that I didnt like). I mean really?? this is the person I love?? I didnt feel comftorable with him anymore or happy he was always putting me down... "you dont know how to cook" " you dont know how to wash my clothes right" "you're not in my level" "youre only good at being a mom" hec atleast he gave me credit for that! but he still made me feel like i wasnt a good enough mom! I started to feel some hate and resentment towards him he was harsh with me and still when he would give me a little bit of his love I would fall for him again....

Im feeling better now that he's gone, hes no good!!!

Samantha - posted on 11/25/2011

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Coped the last abuse a couple of weeks back to the point my 14 yr old son came out into the lounge room to sit with me. He kept going and going to the point he scared me and my hands were shaking. I treated to call the police so he ripped the phone out from the wall. He kept going and going after that i had had enough and said thats it got up and went for the phone to call the police he ran up the stairs and went to bed and didnt come back down. I was so upset that i had forgotted he had ripped it from the wall and obviously he had 2. I didnt even think of my mobile. During all this fightling he had been standing naked in the loungeroom in front of me and my son our 4 yr old daughter was asleep in bed luckily. I have since found out he had filed papers with the court and gone to court without me being served papers while i was still living in the same house. I have not got all my kids things because i went back a week later with a friend and he had both his parents there he lied to the police on the phone and said i cleaned him out when i took mostly only kid stuff he has majority of the house hold items. His mother was abusing me the whole time i was there. I left without the kids stuff and now have to fight in mediation for anything. what got me was i was gone for 2 weeks and he never once called or asked about our daughter. He has only been worried about screwin me ova where property is concerned and not our little girl. Males are not worth it i have decided and i have once again put my kids first and that is my weak spot and he plays on that. But i am living with my mum for now so i dont cop any abuse i nolonger have to answer the phone to give it to my daughter and he will one day have karma knock on his door for the abuse he has dished out to me and my kids ova the yrs but i am getting stronger by the day with my families support and hope that my story like many others i have started to read will help someone else that has been in an abusive relationship like me. Each day does get a little easier and i hope my kids arent scared for life.

Samantha - posted on 09/26/2011

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reading alot of posts tonight especially elizabeths has hit home i cant believe so many men think they have a right to do what they do to there partners and then blame us for it. My partner used to be so nice do anything for you but now god that only applies to when his mates want something other wise i get told i do nothing he does everything i say yeah the house fairies just come in and do everything. Mental abuse i think is the worst cause there is no ending to it we always walk on egg shells when we hear the car pull up what mood will he be in today did we get all the jobs done quick turn the game off i tell my 14 yr old son. He now tells me no so what if he goes off, he is sooo used to it now. Our 4 yr old girl is so used to it she dont cry any more she just watches the tv like nothing is happening. I cant believe i have put up with it for yrs and made excuses for him. Not anymore we will be talking 2 morro (hopefully cause i havent really talked to him for a week cause of the last fight told me in front of the kids he was gonna go out and get himself a dirty slut, that peaved me off then on his way to bed told me he was gonna sell the house) I have been sleepin on the lounge since last friday night so ova a week now and tellin my daughter its cause daddy snores so loud. I have finally woken up and smelled the coffee as ppl say and am going to seperate if he cant control his temper and treat us with respect. We have been together 9 yrs dont want to throw it away but will for the kids if i have 2.

SARAH - posted on 09/26/2011

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Wounds from physical abuse can leave bruises, broken bones. ead to death in some cases. Some wounds heal. Some lead to death in some cases. The same is true for verbal abuse. Nothing is ever forgotten, in eiter circumstance. They are both equally as hazardous. Both cause emotional scarring. Wounds can heal. Wounds can cause death. Be it emotional or physical, time is of essence.

Elizabeth - posted on 09/21/2011

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Wow, just reading that post with the information and recognizing at least 90% of it in my spouse. Things are getting worse and more intense in regards to his outbursts and behavior. A couple of days ago he left with my daughter calling me about 5 mins after he left saying he was not coming back and he was going to keep me from seeing my daughter. He was actually only gone for 3 1/2 hours, but for most of that time he had me on the phone doing a lot of the above such as saying I was a horrible person, he despised me, everything was my fault, I would end up like my mom and sister divorced and alone, etc. He finds the most hurtful things he can say and then when I started to cry he said - can you please grow up and have an adult conversation without crying. I am at my wit's end, he has threatened to lie to the courts saying I am an unfit mother and will gain full custody if I leave or we begin a divorce. I really have no place to go and don't feel I should leave, but he has refused to leave and said I am welcome to go anytime. but, I would never leave without my daughter. He knows that is the one thing that would tear me completly apart so he uses it. After that episode he later said I only act like this because I don't want to be alone...What? Doesn't he see the way he is treating me is going to ultimately cause him to be alone? I am in the process of trying to save every penny I can without him knowing about it and documenting everything that happens from here on out. threatening to keep my baby from me is the final straw, I may not get out right now, but I am taking steps in that direction. I refuse to live this way even if I lose everything (with the exception of my child). It is not worth being miserable the rest of my life that's for sure. The wierd thing is that he can be the most kind person sometimes, but that person seems to be appearing a lot less lately. I'm not sure if this is more a mental health issue such as bipolar disorder because his behaviors have changed in a lot of areas and with a lot of different relationships in his life.
Thanks for sharing it really helped me.

Kerry - posted on 07/29/2011

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i have been thougth both physical and verbal abuse and i have came out the other side a better person but i have had a lot of support from friend and social worker. i did have my family around me 2 ask for help.

Elina - posted on 05/18/2010

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before i met my baby daddy i was in a relationship with 'The Angry Man' and it's really surprising how many of my friends have had similar encounters with similar men.
you know, it gets bad, awful things get said/done, you think about leaving but you don't because "it's not like he beats me or anything," right? i think that's the part that makes emotional abuse so insidious. women and young girls need a stronger message that they deserve better than just not being physically assaulted.
in retrospect, SIX YEARS LATER and i'm still having to tell myself i deserve every happiness i have now, from my beautiful well-loved son to his incredibly well-adjusted father (who doesn't freak out when he knows i'm being defensive and reactionary).
good on you for spreading the word!

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