Husband driving me so crazy thinking of separation

Pippa - posted on 09/16/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I have 2 boys aged 3 1/2 and 14 months. Their father has been unemployed 2 1/2 years out of the last 3 and just got fired again a month ago. I'm at my wit's end, I feel like I have 3 kids, not 2 and he's just not helping any. He does some things around the house like wash dishes and take out the trash and he mows the yard and he also gives the boys baths at night, but other than that it's just me trolling along trying to get everything done, worrying about money, etc. I feel like I don't get any support from him, when I talk to him I get my head bitten off and then today he comes home 2 hours late (while I'm bathing the boys) and when I ask him where he's been he said fishing. You know I would love to have time to myself too, but I don't get to take it. I feel like maybe he'd be happier doing what he wants to all the time and I can take care of the boys.... what I mean by this is separating, he can go live with his parents again (or friends) and I'll go on my merry way taking care of me and the boys and he can act as selfishly as he wants then. I've really had enough and am so close to just asking him to leave........any advice? My head is hurting!

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Rachel - posted on 11/13/2010

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The basics of any relationship is love. Does he still love you? Soemthing that requires a lot of thought because although he may not show it he might assume you already know. I personally believe that if he is not cheating on you, beating on you or lying to you, you should be able to make it work. You should be able to fix anything else if you both really want to. The key is to talk, not scream or get upset but to sit down and be like, seriously i am not happy about what is happening lately. I need you to keep a job, help out more around the house, and explain why. But it is give and take, you have to look from his point of view as well. If he is unwilling to even attempt to change then there is not much more to do. You deserve to be respected as a mother and wife, and him as a father and a husband. If you cannot both do that then you are not working as a family. Then as you say it might be better to have 2 kids instead of 3. Never just stick it out for the kids, Happy Mom means Happy kids. I am seperated from my oldest sons dad and we get along better now we are not together. Try to make it work, if you still want it to work. You know what you want, sit down think about it and write it down. Then talk about what you think is the most important on that list.

Lyndsay - posted on 09/28/2010

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I agree, you need some time to yourself. It's very easy to feel resentful when the men in our lives pretty much always keep their friends, take time to fish or whatever hobby, and you are home washing pee sheets and feeding babies. Remember that in order to have happy kids, you have to be a happy mom. After you've had some down time, and aren't all stressed out and upset, then think about your relationship. When you are angry is not the right time to make a major decision like that. And if hubby is going to stay at home primarily, then he needs to buck up and take care of that home. You are only one person, and can only do so much without burning out.

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PR - posted on 10/03/2012

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Hi there.....I can completely relate to you. My husband is also not working since last 2 years and though we have had the best times earlier, somehow I seem to be getting resentful now.

I also sympathize with him and feel miserable when we are not connected.....but not able to understand may be my own reaction. Its actually very difficult, when you feel that you are the only one doing everything every day and the other person though might understand to some level, but still expects the same level of commitment and dedication to the core responsibilities of a woman even in this scenario. This is what hurts the most. And in addition he even has his mother with him. So sometimes its them taking care of each other and where does that leave me, I am not sure. It really really is painful and I am not sure of a solution as well. I dont want to spoil my family life but its at what cost, theres no answer. I am trying to turn to God for help !!!!!

Savannah - posted on 12/03/2010

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I thought that us women were aware that when you decide to live with a man it is truely like taking care of another child.
I love my man dearly, he helps out so much but at the end of the day, I have to pick up after him, feed him, do his laundry, etc... That's just a man being a man!

Lyn - posted on 11/18/2010

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Oh ladies i am so with you on this!!! My husband and i just had a huge fight today about me not doing anything all day and that he has to come home to a dirty house and he feels he does it all and i do nothing. Yes he does bring home the money and he pays the bills but other than that i do everything else. I did tell him today that if he is that un happy then maybe we need to have a chat to find out what will make him happy. I clean, cook and take care of the kids. I run here there and everywhere to make sure the boys are taken care of! I do doctors appoinments, school appointments and cub scouts. When either of our 2 boys are sick or wake up during the night i'm up. He never gets up! All he does is sit on the sofa and play video games from the time he gets home til the time he goes to bed. I am supposed to be chipper and happy all the time and not cop a tude......NOT. So here's what i'm doing tonight. I'm calling our weekly family meeting a few days early. (we usually do them on sundays to let everyone know about what's going on for the week) I will discuss how i feel i am the only one pulling my weight around the house, i will make the statement that if the boys can't keep their rooms clean they will be missing a few things, and if my husband can't take his time with the kids 2x during the week then i'm going ON STRIKE!! Yes i'm going on strike!! HE will have to fend for himslef and the kids! He will have to get them up at 6:00 am and have our 7 yr old to the bus by 6:55. When ever i leave a list it never gets done and i have a horrible mess to clean up. So that's my answer STRIKE!! The last time i did it it lasted 2 days!! Maybe having a no holds barred talk with your hubs will make him see your side of things if not there's always the frying pan (jk trying to make you smile)

Stifler's - posted on 11/15/2010

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If he isn't working... you have time to take it. Tell him... I'M GOING SHOPPING... SEEYA and leave the list of things that must be done or else. That's what I do anyhow and my husband isn't unemployed.

Tana - posted on 10/22/2010

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i totally understand! my husband id the bread winner although and i a SAHM. he thinks bc he makes the money and runs a business by himself, that when he is not working he doesn't have to do anything else and that his "job" is done. he does help me somewhat, but truthfully i feel like he does as little as possible, just enough to say he helped, and that i dont have the right to complain because he does help...its frustrating that my "job" is 24/7/365 and I have to line up babysitters, ask him 2 weeks in advance if he can watch the kids only for him to the night before or day of forget or make a stink about him having to shift around his schedule to "help" me out if i want to do anything so i never do get to do anything! he thinks going to the grocery store is no big deal with 3 kids all under the age of 5, he thinks everything i do is so leisurely, it makes me soooo mad! i have thought about leaving him, but i know that these problems are fixable if he was willing to do his part! he also has hobbies that include hunting and fishing that he gets to do whenever he wants and doesn't have to worry about babysitters or if the kids and myself are okay or if i need a break...i am a christian and i dont believe in divorce unless there is abuse involved and i know that whats going on with him and i can be fixed so i am not going to leave. he's selfish, but not quite abusive. its hard and i feel your frustration. hang in there and try to do what you can to get him to be on the same page as you before you go jumping to divorce, good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 09/29/2010

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If I were you I would try to get him to go to counseling with you so that you can have a third party moderate, if he will go. You might also get him tested for adult ADD sometimes that is why some people can't hold a job for very long. Take time for yourself, like the other ladies said. Otherwise you will resent him like you are. Another thing might be to make a list of what it takes to run the house and talk to him when you are both calm. Talk to him frankly, telling him you can't do everything. Good luck!!

Julie - posted on 09/17/2010

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take time for yourself. tell him you are going out for the day tomorrow visiting friends or something and that he will have to look after the boys all day. ask him to do some housework while your out and see what happens. then if he has anything to say when you get home just remind him thats what you do everyday. as for not working you need to have a serious talk with him about why he gets fired and cant keep a job maybe he has issues of his own that you could help with but dont just let things slide cos then you will end up breaking down and that wont do your boys any good.

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