Why do brothers fight???

Kim - posted on 06/03/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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My boys are 9 and almost 12 and they fight/argue constantly. Occassionally they get along, but for the most part it is teasing, poking, etc. I try to separate them, punish them, take stuff away - even incent them NOT to fight, and nothing seems to work. Anyone else have this problem?

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Marilyn - posted on 07/21/2012

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Yes! That's why I'm online now, frantic! The 13 year old and the 10 year old call each other every unprintable word you can think of at the top of their lungs, provoke each other every chance they get and hate each other. Sometimes there's a truce for reasons every bit as inexplicable as the fight. I just tried the "we love you both very much" message, which is true, but then I get (and only half-kidding!) "No you don't, Mommy, because if you did you would never have had him."

Arrrrgh! Help!

Lisa - posted on 08/25/2012

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i have a 6 and 4 year old. they fight and nip pick all day long. it drives me mad. but as i ust to get so angry abd made the situation worse, i now judge the sound of the argument and let them fight it out. after minutes they are back playing good. its a brother thing. it always sounds worse than what it is. also its making them tougher for life ahead.. ;0). remember they ont young for long. enjoy the bad time lol.

[deleted account]

Okay, the best way is a firm and clear discussion of who will be in their lives the rest of their lives...not friends, parents eventually die, spouses are girls, who will be there for them from now on?

Will their brother be their best buddy or worst enemy?

Who else will defend them to the death?

They need to choose NOW who their best friend will be for the rest of their life as they have been gifted with one already.

This is relationship training and you will have to do it over and over for a little while, but they will get it. boys do this better than girls do.

Get on them, stay on them and remind, remind, remind! They will be rougher on each other than girls will be, but they will be closer than girls too.

Mother of 10...6 boys and 4 girls.

[deleted account]

I think brothers fight to annoy their mothers! My boys are 7 and 10. They fight constantly! One is a whiner and other is the instigator, until the whiner gets mad enough and smacks him. I have tried to do everything that you have and nothing has worked. My new tactic is to tell them that if they are going to fight they have to leave the room. I tell them that I don't want to hear it and that I am tired of trying to fix it, so they have to go away. Usually they are kind of surprised and the fight ends. Other times they leave the room, but go play nicely. (Great time to praise them!) Once in a while, they continue and get really loud. Then I send them outside. Problem solved! I can't hear them at all so therefore they are not fighting.... Right?



The exception to this, of course is if they start hitting each other or saying really hurtful things to one another. In this case, no one gets blamed. They are immediately separated and they both get a negative consequence. Thankfully it does not get to that too often.

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Lu - posted on 02/17/2014

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Our boys are now men. They were happy as children but when 12/13 they began fighting. Today they are 38 and 39 and they fight like men. I believe it is the friends they chose as young teans. Best clamp down on who they chum with.

Michelle - posted on 03/28/2013

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My boys always fought at that age - constantly! But I learned to back off - if one got hurt I would say "you participated and lost so don't do it then" I really think they were building trust because they would fight and then go play together - today they are so close I can't trust either of them to tell on the other because they won't - they are very strongly glued together which makes me happy. I won't be here forever but they will always have each other. Let them know you love when they are getting along but leave them alone to jockey for their independence

Jeremy - posted on 08/29/2012

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Me and my brother fight argue almost everyday I'm 14 he is 15 it called brotherly love no way in hell your going stop that I don't like it but I not going to let him feel that he can control me

Nelly - posted on 07/25/2012

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I think that it's normal for siblings to fight. What I have noticed in our house is the older they get the less they fight.

Dawn - posted on 08/21/2009

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Hmmm!! I agree as well!! Something in the voice, manner, etc. (Its a male thing) I tell you with my youngest father; he often does not have to raise his voice in tone for him to know that he is serious. His father facial expressions and tone of voice lets him know; with me oh! he will try me with almost everything and anything and i will yell be as stern as possible. I sooo agree though!! The male sceneario really helps!!

Kim - posted on 08/21/2009

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The dad factor definately helps in my case too. There is a much different response rate from when I tell them to stop compared to when my husband tell them.

Dawn - posted on 08/21/2009

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I understand completely!! I have a 13 1/2 and 7/1/2 born in the same month. I sit back and watch sometimes; they have unique personalities and share the same attitude at times. Sometimes i want to scream :) Good luck!! It is just a part of the package with having boys i guess lol

Misty - posted on 08/19/2009

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I think that is just normal for brothers to fight. My husband is the youngest of three and the stories he tells are crazy. It is a wonder any of them survived but they did and they grew up to all be very close. My so is an only but when they nephews are here you would think it was WWF in the house full throttle from the time they step in the door to the time they leave. I make them take a time out from each other from time to time but their dads are doing the same thing. If it is all in good fun and no one is getting hurt and then I wouldnt just tell them to calm it down. However, if it gets bad then definately stop it. I seperate the boys when they get to that point and then the dads deal with them.

Kim - posted on 06/20/2009

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Hi Everyone: Thank you so much for all of your responses. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I really like Deangela-Deanne's response that this is relationship training. I am constantly telling them how lucky they are to have eachother - and I do think they know that...but how to get them to change the way they interact with eachother is the tough part. Or, maybe most of it IS just a boy thing. And, being that I did not grow up with boys the constant noise level and activity is ALOT different than what I am used to.



Anyway...I hope that you will all join my circle so that we can have future conversations about this and other things as well.



Have a great day!!

Tammy - posted on 06/18/2009

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hi i have two boys 9 and 2 they constantley fight i cant figure it out either i thought it got better when thy get older

[deleted account]

By the way my two oldest are my step sons and their mother never could figure out how to stop them from fighting and I tried while she fought everything I taught. They still cannot be together more than a couple of hours without fighting at 25 and 23. My boys are 16, 13, 11, and 6 and all good friends. My 13 and 11 yr old share a room and are best friends. they fight some, but in general have each other's back at all times. It is really cool to see. They hang out with their 16 yr old brother, and, though he picks at them some, he is the coolest thing and really does get involved with them and their interests.

Guys are rough, but they don't have to have knock down drag outs either.

Coline - posted on 06/15/2009

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i have three boys all 21 months apart and they fight all the time i would love some input to please

Maria - posted on 06/15/2009

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My sons used to fight a lot when they were younger. Now they're 17 & 16, respectively. It's just a natural tendency, I believe, for boys. A combination of their innate competitive nature and some sibling rivalry, I suppose. As long as it doesn't get overboard and that jealousy isn't a part of the whole equation, then it should be a healthy thing. They'll get over it! My sons did. They have their own circle of friends in school, but it's obvious to see that they're each other's best friend.

Missy - posted on 06/15/2009

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YES! my boy's are 10 and 8, and i constanly say stop fighting everything I buy them has to be the same color, shape and size, it is like having twins. I ground them, I take stuff away from them nothing helps.

Candice - posted on 06/14/2009

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hahahaha yeah i wish there was a simple answer to this one!!!!! i have 3 boys so yeah def feel your pain . mine are also best friends one minuete and can not stand each other the next!!!!!1 drives me crrraaazzzzy

Jenn - posted on 06/10/2009

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Well our boys are 16 and 12 (soon 2 be 13) and yeah I think it is just a brother thing and yeah boys have to be more rougher that girls but sometimes you just got to let them go and work it out and you just overlook them, you will know when to pull them apart..

Godd Luck..

[deleted account]

My boys go through stages. Sometimes they're best friends, sometimes they're at each other all the time. My boys fight less when my daughter's not around to antagonize them! I would have 5 boys and to 1 girl. Even though they fight, they are easier than girls. I love my daughter a lot but my 3 boys are just easier to deal with.

Julie - posted on 06/07/2009

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I have 2 younger brothers and they also fought constantly until they both went off to college. Now, they get a long great. I think it is play fighting(even though it sounds bad) and it is a male bonding thing ... is there a daddy group we could ask?

Jolean - posted on 06/03/2009

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All day long! I would love to hear more opnions on this too. My guess is the pecking order competitive dominance male thing. They must be practicing for adulthood. lol But seriously, it drives me crazy. I have 3 boys so it never ever ends. Good luck! I feel your pain. = ^)

Misty - posted on 08/19/2009

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I think that is just normal for brothers to fight. My husband is the youngest of three and the stories he tells are crazy. It is a wonder any of them survived but they did and they grew up to all be very close. My so is an only but when they nephews are here you would think it was WWF in the house full throttle from the time they step in the door to the time they leave. I make them take a time out from each other from time to time but their dads are doing the same thing. If it is all in good fun and no one is getting hurt and then I wouldnt just tell them to calm it down. However, if it gets bad then definately stop it. I seperate the boys when they get to that point and then the dads deal with them.

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