Struggling...

Michelle - posted on 07/04/2012

Reading over our conversation has enticed me to write to you, ask how things are going? What happened? I hope things have gotten better for you and your children. I understand that sometimes, people just need to vent, seek questions, and find assistance in their desperate need for help. I hope you found some help for your situation. You know your limiations, I do not. We can only compare situations we have been in to help others. When I said do not give up, I was not implying that you were giving up. Please update me on your situation. I hope things have become more managable for you and your children.

I understand about not having the necessary agencies and money to assist in your quest. Many times society blames the parents but it is not the parents' fault when something in the child's brain is out of balance. Have medications been an option? Have you recieved the help you were searching for? What I meant by saying Do not give up was do not give up on yourself or your child. Placing a child in foster care or giving that child up for adoption is not necessarily giving up. Seeking help is not giving up. Seeking help for a better a life for you and your children is not giving up. I hope and pray that you found the help you and your children need and deserve. Please let me know how things have transpired and if you need any assistance. If you are still looking for resources, please let me know which state you live in and I can do some searching for you.

Mikki - posted on 04/30/2010

Now, then, you know. I can't totally apologize for my backlash. This is literally my worst fear short of losing a child to death... I've had two miscarriages... and even they, to me, would not be as bad as losing one of my two children to death. This is the only other thing that I've faced that is as painful to me. I have one person right now who has some power at her fingertips and who, thank God, is listening to me. Other than that, I am back at square one. You made your point several times over. I made mine. Now you know. But even then, you don't know all of it... no one who hasn't lived in this can know. The only ones who do are those who have... and that's it. My options are grim... but there is hope if I offer her a better life... even then, the options for me personally are grim, though my daughter and son will have options for normalcy and happiness. Honestly, I'd prefer their happiness over my own at this point. But... yeah.. now, you know.

Michelle - posted on 04/29/2010

I have in no way put you down or insinuated anything. I am the creator of this group. I am the one who created this group to HELP people, NOT put them down or judge them. NOT ONCE did I judge you, condem you, or insinuate you were anything less than a loving mother.
I understand you are angry with the entire situation but do not take your anger out on those who are trying to help you. Do NOT think for a moment that you can lash out at people who are trying to help you. That will get you no where. I do not understand your situation completely, not will I ever. You didn't describe what was going on in detail the first time you asked for help. You joined this group to get feedback from others. If you do not like what is said, you can disagree, and state your opinion; that is your right. However, you do not have the right to lash out at people who are trying to help you work through your situation. No one can know and understand your situation completely without being there in your shoes. Only you know what you can and cannot handle. All I was offering to you was to not give up. That statement can look different to many people, so take a step back. Breathe, and re-evalutate why you are here seeking advice.
If you cannot handle the advice given to you, maybe you should not say anything at all. I DO NOT and WILL NOT tollerate negative undertones, lashing outs to others, or judgemental people being mean. This is not why I created this group.
So if you would like to stay involved in this group, I welcome you, however, please take the time to think about how you come across towards other people BEFORE you hit the submit button.

Mikki - posted on 04/26/2010

I'm... not... giving... up. I KNOW my limitations... I know how much I am capable of... and I know how much she is capable of. I've had my son's flesh fall off in my hands.. in chunks. I've watched him scream in agony as she had put mentholated arthritic rub in his eyes... it took her 10 seconds to sneak behind my back and do it.... it took me forever to get him in the tub and to hold him under the faucet.... I had to hold him there to rinse his eyes out.... listen to him scream like that again.... I CAN NOT WAKE UP TO A DEAD CHILD. Don't tell me that I'm giving up when I don't have the necessary help, the necessary money, the necessary agencies and other things available to me. I was screaming for help, through a proverbial megaphone, alone... for FIVE... YEARS... no one heard... no one listened... by the time someone did listen, she'd attempted to kill her brother, three years younger than her, two times... she'd burned him with incense.... she'd tried to blind him... she'd threatened him with anything sharp... she'd chased him around the house with a pen, stabbing him and leaving three puncture wounds on his back.... she'd woken up at two in the morning, gotten him out of bed and was beating him senseless for no reason.... NO.. reason.

DO. NOT. TELL. ME. THAT I AM GIVING UP. DO NOT. I am not giving up. I am offering my child a chance at a life with someone who can help her more than I can... who can offer her better treatment... and a better reality than I can. As well, I am offering my son the chance to live longer... to stop wondering why his sister is trying to kill him... why she's beating him all the time. I'm not giving up... I'm doing what a mother should. And don't you think for a second that it isn't killing me. It's murdering me. I know this pain too well... and this is permanent. I need prayers, not put downs and insinuations that I'm "giving up". I'm not giving up.

Michelle - posted on 04/26/2010

I have never considered that. My daughter is 15 and we are just now receiving the help we so desperately needed. She is in temporary foster care until she can learn and we can learn how to better manage the episodes and rages. I am currently taking psychology courses online so I can better understand her and mental illness and hopefully help others.

I have come to terms that maybe she won't ever come home, she will age out at 18. But this is all dependent on the progress made from both her and us. Yes, we too have to make changes as parents to learn how to cope with and parent these special willfull children.

I understand how overwhelming and emotional it all is. I have been dealing with this since she was 7 without much asssitance. Now that we have guidance and assistance, it makes all more worth the pain, heartache and tremendous emotional damage both the parents and children go through.

Never give up. Never give up. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Do what you have to do to learn how to properly parent your daughter effectively. These children need more love and understanding and patience then most other "normal" children do. Never give up. It will be all worth it in the end. When she can come home to your arms and you two can learn how to communicate and live together happily.

We are well on our way, it is possible. We see our daughter every weekend, or every other weekend. The key: Work with the mom that is taking care of your daughter. talk to her on a daily basis, or weekly basis. Get to know hwo to parent her. It makes you more of a parent than not trying and just giving up.

You can do this, only after you learn how to take care of yourself.