Mother of both the victim and the perp

Dana - posted on 05/01/2011 ( 1 mom has responded )

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This is by far the hardest thing I have had to endure. A few years ago my then 9 year old daughter disclosed to me that her 12 year old half brother had "touched and kissed her private parts". I was devastated. How could this have happened? My son was immediately taken away and put in a treatment center. He has been there ever since. I do not have custody of him at this time. He lives 1200 miles away (we moved last year but he had to stay). I have not seen him in almost a year. My daughter who is now 11, does not remember the incident or chooses not to remember, I am not sure. I have her in therapy and she is thriving at home and in school. She made the principal's honor roll the whole year and was awarded a trophy. She wants to be in band next year. She has friends and is smart, and beautiful, and funny, creative and talented. To look at her you wouldn't know she had ever experienced such trauma. I love both of them very much but feel like I am torn between them. The state wants to reunite my son with the family. My daughter, my other son, and my future step children need to be safe in their own home and be protected. As his mother I want him home again, he is 14 now and I have missed out on so much. Stuck in that damn hospital, I can't teach him to drive, he won't get his license. He starts high school this year, He won't get to go to a real school or possibly graduate. I don't know how it works there. All I know is I want what is best for ALL my children but no longer know what that is. My daughter says she loves her brother and says she wants him to come home one day but she tells her therapist she doesn't remember and feels like she has lost her childhood and hates going to therapy. The state says if my daughter is not ready for him to come home then he won't. Also we have to pass a home study so they can place him in a group home down here so that we can see each other and continue family therapy. I don't want any blood on my hands, if he was to hurt another child it would kill me and there are now 4 children living in this house, my other 2 and my fiance's 2. How do I do this??? Do I lose one child to protect the others???

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Pat - posted on 07/28/2011

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oh i wish i had an answer for you. first priority is protection of the victim and siblings. as much as that may hurt. i do know some states do have programs where the families do therapy together to acheive a reunited family. i dont know which states or programs that is though. my daughter was only in therapy a couple months and that was really all she needed. i know its different for all. it could be your daughter has had enough therapy. there will be a point where she will want to leave it behind and move on. mine got tired of going in and dredging it up, then start to feel ok by end of week, then have to go back in and talk about it. it is different for everyone, just something to consider. is there any remorse for the actions from your son, or is he just sorry that he has lost his freedoms and family? there is a big difference. i do hope this works out for you. i can only imagine the hurt u must be going through.

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