hello i am new here and need help

Rochelle - posted on 04/27/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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my name is rochelle i have 3 children shawn is 9 meryah is 5 and ethan will be 4 in june. meryah and ethans dad died in a car accident nov 2nd 2009. he had custody at the time of the accident. custody was then given to me as surviving parent law. i have been having a very hard time dealing with his death due to the fact that my children are so young and they dont understand that daddy is not coming back. i miss him so much although we havent been together for at least 3 years now but i still loved him. he was abusive at times but at other times the funniest and funnest person you could have ever met. i find myself thinking that he is going to show up at my door soon and its all gonna be a dream. and it feels like its real like as if he didnt die and then i have to mentally tell myself no he died its weird and am wondering if anyone else thinks like that still and if that ever stops. i am not sure how to deal with wat to tell my kids wen they ask about him and wen they say they wanna see their daddy. it breaks my heart to even think that he is not gonna be there for them growing up. if anyone has any advice please let me know i could really use it.

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Mary - posted on 07/13/2009

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Tell them the good things about their father. Let them know that daddy can't be here with them thst he is in heaven, but that he is watching over them. Make a picture book for them. But be certain that only good are said at this time.

As far as feeling he will show up, that will go away with time. You may feel his presence, and maybe his spirit is there. His memory will live on and one day you will be able to live with that. It all takes time, you will never forget, but it does get easier as time goes on.

I lost 2 husbands one in 75 and one in 96. I used to feel the same way, and at times still do, but each day gets better.

Tamra - posted on 06/08/2009

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I am sorry for your loss.My daughters dad died of a suicide when she was 1.I struggled for along time thinking that he was going to come back.She is now 8 and i have chosen to be honest with her We talk often about her dad and it helps her to know more about him and it is also healing for the both of us although she does not understand completely she does understand that he loved her and nothing is her fault.I know a lot of people would look down on me for telling such a young child such harsh things I did not want her to here from somebody else I wanted her to here from me.She has been so great and I don't think I made the wrong decision

Bridgette - posted on 06/01/2009

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I understand what you are going through. My husband died March 1, 08. I gave birth to our daughter 6 weeks later. Sometimes I feel like it is a dream too. Honestly I can't even say that I have dealt with his death. I just had to keep going cuz I didn't want to go in to labor. Then when she was born I had to keep going for her. I do talk about him to her. I show her pics. But I get really sad still. Who is going to take to her father daughter dances? Who will walk her down the ailse when she gets married? Who will teach her to play t-ball? He never even got to met our beautiful baby. She looks so much like him sometimes it breaks my heart. Late at night when she wakes and I rock her and sob bcuz I want her daddy with us. All I can say is you have to keep going for your kids. It does get easier. But you never forget. Keep your chin up. It will get better.

Michelle - posted on 04/29/2009

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My daughter's father died 9 years ago this July. He committed suicide. I understand how hard it is when the other children are being picked up or visited by their father. I have an older son, and when his father would come to pick him up, my daughter would stand at the door and cry. The father-daughter dance for Girl Scouts was very difficult for my daughter. My son took her and at first she wanted to leave. I had to point out that several of the men had to be these other girl's uncles and grandfathers and step-fathers. I told her that where as some fathers were choosing not to be at the dance with their daughters, her daddy couldn't be there because he is gone and would've been there if he could. I think it's important to be honest with your children in an age appropriate way about death. (I told my daughter of her father's death but not the exact manner until just last year) My father also committed suicide when I was little and I know how it feels to grow up without a father and to lose him to death. I was in a position to completely understand every emotion she is and was feeling. I can't say it's been easy, for it has been extremely difficult but we've become even closer over the years than we already were. The only thing that has been a constant worry for my daughter is that she has been afraid of me dying ever since she lost her father. We both experienced the same thing as you, thinking it was not real, that he's show up and even thinking we saw him at times. For me, reinforcement of your love and that you will NEVER leave them is key. They are scared and sad. Therapy at a family service group, or a support group can be helpful. It will get easier over time and your children are lucky that they have a loving mother in their life who is concerned about their well being. I truly understand how you are feeling and my heart goes out to you and your children.

Tainia - posted on 04/28/2009

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My 8 year daughter father died when she was 8 months old in 2001. And i didn't know what to do next. Here i am a then 21 year old with a baby and no father for her. i cried every night and day. i went to his grave everyday. i had to realize that doing that wasn't going to bring him back. so know im 29 and my daughter is 8. Now she gets angry and tells me that she wants her father...it makes me cry because i know the reason why he isn't here. i have 2 other children and their dad is very active in their lives i feel so bad for her because she wants her father to come to the school and tuck her in at night. All you can do is be there and love them. My daughter grandmother still comes and get her and they do things. I have pics of him in my house. we had a good relationship when he was alive.. he was my soulmate. Its hard but it gets better...pray and GOD will show you the way and give you the strength to be both mommy and daddy.

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